Since last fall, I've gotten to know a fellow graduate student at my institution with whom there seems to be a mutual attraction and good chemistry. Almost very time I'd talk to her she'd bitch about her marital troubles and ask me whether she should leave her marriage, to which I always responded that I didn't know enough about the situation and therefore couldn't give her advice. She sometimes inserts sexual innuendos into our conversations and once, after she decided to split with her husband, even asked me jokingly when she could move in with me when she saw the leftovers of a home-cooked meal I was having for lunch. So now she's been officially divorced for two weeks, and I just took my lunch break with her, we had a great time, and she told me she wanted to hang out with me more, which I'm happy to do. Of course I want and am planning to escalate, but I'm not quite sure whether she's really over the failure of her marriage. The decision to divorce her husband was made at least two months ago, and they will be fully separated in all their affairs in August. I've never gone after a divorced woman before, though a little over a month ago I was rejected by another woman who had dumped her boyfriend of 4 years 4 months earlier and was clearly not over him when she realized that I was interested (after I took her out to dinner once, she agreed to do it again, but then rejected me when I referred to it as a date). So I'm a little wary of coming on too strong. Anybody have any advice on how I should proceed?
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How slow should I take it with a newly divorced woman?
- Thread starter 5-HT2
- Start date
Maya
Bluelight Crew
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- Feb 17, 2013
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- 7,310
There's nothing wrong with asking her out IMO. Just because the other one failed doesn't mean that this will have the same fate. Have a feel of it more I'd say give it a month or so have a feel of how much she likes you and go from there. You don't want to be rebound guy so make sure that when you do ask her out as well you communicate with her and you are quite certain that she is over with her ex husband.
nooneanymore
Bluelighter
you're both in grad school. so stop. you both don't even have careers. finish school then find someone who's been single for a while.
you've been warned. now no one should feel sorry for you if you walk into this drama and the train wrecks.
you've been warned. now no one should feel sorry for you if you walk into this drama and the train wrecks.
Pretty_Diamonds
Bluelight Crew
Definitely wait at least till Aug. Lunch breaks are good, then in Aug. you can ask her to hang out after class/school? Or before if the class is later in the day. THEN, you can ask her if she wanted to study somewhere... then maybe a movie ... then you can graduate to a dinner DATE.
llama112
Bluelight Crew
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- Nov 26, 2010
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- 4,468
Definitely move slower than usual due to the fact that she's recently divorced. But keep hanging out for sure!!
How long was she with her husband?
I also see nothing wrong with starting a relationship while in school. Many people do. In fact, I think it's a great time to start a relationship if things are right!
How long was she with her husband?
I also see nothing wrong with starting a relationship while in school. Many people do. In fact, I think it's a great time to start a relationship if things are right!
I think she married at 23 and is now 29.
95Land
Ex-Bluelighter
^If you're confident in yourself and don't need a lot of reassurance that you're #1 in her mind then maybe go for a more extensive relationship.
I say this because I am dating a woman who was married for 7 years. Just because she's over her ex as far as the paperwork goes doesn't mean she's near over her ex as far as a constant topic of conversation.
I know you mentioned she already vents about him. If you guys truly get together, expect it to get worse.
My girl, I went to high school with, I know she loved and still loves me, she's good to me, etc.
But..... Hearing for the 10,000th time that her ex did this that time and he's such a prick and can you believe someone would act like that and blah, blah. It gets old.
If someone's with someone for that long there's all sorts of residual issues hanging about that need to be worked through.
I'm not dumb enough to think that every situation and/or divorcee's the same. But things seem to follow a similar pattern when they're on the rebound.
Just be prepared. You'll get very sick of his name.
I say this because I am dating a woman who was married for 7 years. Just because she's over her ex as far as the paperwork goes doesn't mean she's near over her ex as far as a constant topic of conversation.
I know you mentioned she already vents about him. If you guys truly get together, expect it to get worse.
My girl, I went to high school with, I know she loved and still loves me, she's good to me, etc.
But..... Hearing for the 10,000th time that her ex did this that time and he's such a prick and can you believe someone would act like that and blah, blah. It gets old.
If someone's with someone for that long there's all sorts of residual issues hanging about that need to be worked through.
I'm not dumb enough to think that every situation and/or divorcee's the same. But things seem to follow a similar pattern when they're on the rebound.
Just be prepared. You'll get very sick of his name.
Fire at aggressively at will.. there is a reason they are already divorced. but if they are still bitching about their husbands they are still in love.. when they stop bitching they aren't
95Land
Ex-Bluelighter
I dunno about in love still. A degree of fixation, yeah, maybe. I don't know.
My original point is you have to have weather it in the early parts and it gets better. You just gotta be prepared to weather the bitching. Male or female.
Early on, if I told my woman I thought she was still in love with HIM? I think she would have snipped my nuts while I slept. But maybe that's cause she still secretly was. Or is. I don't know. This isn't about me. I don't think.
My original point is you have to have weather it in the early parts and it gets better. You just gotta be prepared to weather the bitching. Male or female.
Early on, if I told my woman I thought she was still in love with HIM? I think she would have snipped my nuts while I slept. But maybe that's cause she still secretly was. Or is. I don't know. This isn't about me. I don't think.
So I've gotten a variety of advice on this. Some say to escalate physically as fast as possible, while others advise to feel it out before physical escalation. What's clear is that I should keep myself emotionally protected and not get too committed. I'm not sure that I'm #1 in her mind so maybe I should feel it out, be a little more aggressive with the flirting so I can get a better idea of how much she's into me…
you know her best, see what feels right for the situation. how do you want the situation to escalate?
does it really matter if you are number #1 in her mind right off that bat? that seems like you are already rather emotionally invested if that is the case.
does it really matter if you are number #1 in her mind right off that bat? that seems like you are already rather emotionally invested if that is the case.
95Land
Ex-Bluelighter
I think he's saying that he needs to feel things out slowly and figure if he's first or second to her ex before he gets too emotionally invested. As a means of protecting himself. Then once he's gauged things he can decide whether it's worth it or not to ingratiate himself to the point where he's priority number 1 in her mind.
exactly
dont think theres anything wrong with just taking it slow. keep your ultimate goal(s) for your relationship with her on the horizon, but be comfortable with that horizon being very very far off. give her space to just spontaneously do whatever she wants, be there to be whatever it is she needs you to be at that moment (listener? lovemaker? house party guest? platonic friend?), and always remain honest with how you feel about her and the situation. as long as you dont make a concerted effort to drive anything in a particular direction, and you both remain totally honest about what you want and need in the short and long term, its likely to float right along into a very nice direction for both of you, eventually.