TDS How Ritalin killed my childhood

[Phantasus]

Hello,
I'd like to share my experience with Ritalin that I take every morning, I am not fluent so don't mind at my English thanks.

When I was 11 I was really happy having alot of friends, social life, hanging out... Then I get into middle school (Coll?ge in french) I was hyperactive and I started getting in trouble with my teachers.
I almost got kicked from the school but my parents went with me to a doctor or Something like this I don't rememeber, the "doctor" said that I have ADHD so I have to take Ritalin.
First year was okay had some headpain.
One year with Ritalin was tough but my grades were increasing but ritalin dose was not enough so I took 30mg which lead me to suicidial though but I never spoke about it, I had more head pain and chest too but I had to continue my future was more important.
At 13 I could bear it but I was abit unsociable

At 15 I was accepted in one of the best school in Paris, I started taking 40mg and everything was worse tachycardia, headhache, chest pain, depression, anxiety, eyes pain...
But I had to continue, I lose all my "friends" when I get in High School I was always alone, not rejected I just can't handle a simple discussion I was to nervous and anxious.
To calm my anxiety I started taking weed but it wasn't enough so I take alprazolam, my plug told me to also buy a fentanyl test kit.
I have to take Ritalin everyday, when I exit from school I have to rush home, I have a personal teacher who comes everyday except weekends my life is just wake up, pills, work , work , sleep.
The Weekend I also take 40mg because I go in math class (even sunday).
I didn't hang out with friends since 2014 I don't have anyfriends with who I can play, hang out, or share things. Most of my "friends" says that I change and some says that I'm bipolar.

When I'm rarely off Ritalin this is harder I feel irritate so I smoke or take benzos. I understood that Ritalin doesn't affect you when you take it, it also work when you're off, Ritalin makes you.
I have the same effect as if i were on.
Nowadays I have to wear a holter due to tachycardia which become more and more poweful I can't explain.
My ADHD is now ADD because I am now the quitest guy in the class, and the most boring one.
Ritalin took my happiness and my friends I TRIED to be sociable and be cool with it but I just can't every night I hope I'll not wake up Ritalin took my personality and who I am,
I wish I could be normal.
I feel like something is missing in my life and this thing is me, I can't recognize myself...
I always take 40mg and if I don't have those I can still take 30+10...
I just wanted to tell my personal story and what I keep taking every morning.

 

[herbavore]

I am so sad and so sorry to hear this story that I saw repeated so often in my teaching career. I will always maintain that it is criminal to put developing brains on the so-called ADD/ADHD drugs.

But here is something hopeful: you can recover from this. Living with ADD (not ADHD) is something I am familiar with. It has its challenges. But they are just that: challenges. Every human brain has them, just not the same ones. Do not measure your life, especially your own worth, by superficial bars of success. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. Our task in this life is simple: be at peace with who we are and do good for the world around us. When you have been taught that your own brain is defective and needs medicating, when that very "medication" makes you suicidal and undermines your health at every level you do have a long road ahead to undo some of the damage. But do not get discouraged! You would be surprised to know the number of people that feel as isolated and divided from themselves as you do. It is so sad to me that we suffer right next to each other and misperceive this suffering as abnormal when in fact it has become the norm.

Titrating off the Ritalin will be difficult and I think the best way to go about it would be to work with a doctor that you trust. It sounds like perhaps your parents are getting very bad information on how to help you. What you need is to lower the pressure! No young person should be made to feel that they are no more than a sum of their accomplishments (or conversely their failures). You have incredible wisdom inside you because you wrote, " I feel like something is missing in my life and that thing is me". That is a very astute observation. You have your whole life to discover and define and redefine who you are. Do not let anyone crush you before you have even started! Do you think that if you tried to talk to your parents about your state of mind they would listen?

 

[Joey]

I'd print off what you wrote to us and hand it over to your doctor in private. That's all you'll need to start the conversation. I'd leave your parents out of it honestly, UNLESS you feel are going to be receptive. This is a medical issue and YOU need to come first in YOUR care. You're obviously old and mature enough to have weight in this conversation about your medications and health, even if you're still technically a minor.

If some things need to be let go slightly academically, or even entirely for an interim period while you sort your life out, so be it. NOTHING is more important then your own health! Even mental health! Don't feel pressured by the stigma! Don't feel pressured by your parents or teachers or peers! You know best! You and your doctor. If your doctor refuses to work with you, push for referrals, second opinions, a whole NEW doctor, anything!

I know, easier said than done. Just put that end goal in mind, keep it in sight and you'll find your way. Believe me you will. The way you wrote this out. I have so much faith in you.

Other then that, Herbavore said all the main things I could ever imagine to say, (and then some) covered. You've got a very good sense of yourself and what's going on in your life. All the best.

 

[Mafioso]

Hey OP, sorry to hear about your struggles. It's an unfortunate struggle that our generation must face, and something we have just began to see the consequences of.. know that you are not alone in your struggle. It doesn't need to be some dark ugly secret covered in shame and guilt. I'd try to be as open as you can with others about it, particularly your doctor and parents. I would hope that reading about what you are experiencing would be something to take note of.. if your concerns are being ignored then it might be time to take action into your own hands. Ultimately it is your life, your future, your happiness and your well being that is at stake here, so even if those close to you disagree... you need to do what is right for you.

How old are you? If you are 18, I'd suggest stopping the pills. Tapering, or slowly stepping down the doses to avoid going cold turkey, can be a smooth way to transition off. If you are not 18, well you have some adult decisions to make and I hope you do what is right for you. I'm not going to tell you to stop, but I am going to say that just because they see you put a pill in your mouth doesn't mean you have to ingest it....again, my friend, you need to do what is right for you.

It's likely that your parents and doctor believe that they have your best interest in mind, but when we look at the fact of the matter- you are taking a stimulant medication in attempts to correct your behavior.

It sounds insane, and that's because it is. Anytime a normal person thinks like this it is considered substance abuse. There is no way a doctorate makes these facts any less true. Even if the doctor was to believe that the medication was working(having the intended effects), he/she would be a liar to say that there were no side effects(or unintended effects).


I would really encourage you to reach out to someone who is going to be understanding and who can offer real world support. An aunt, uncle, responsible older family member if your parents refuse to listen. Someone who might be able to talk some sense into them, and even if they dont more importantly someone who can help support you and get through this troubled time you are going through. You really don't want to go down this path of self-medicating and taking drugs to try and change or fix your emotions. it's a long painful road to nowhere. Prescription or not, seems like you already understand pretty well how a substance can change your life already.

Your parents don't have to be a part of your recovery/healing process if they don't want to be. If they ignore your concerns and keep doing what they believe is right despite, well, looking out for yourself is not wrong even if they may view it as disobedience. I'm not saying to be defiant about everything... but don't let anyone force feed you drugs you know aren't good for you...

PM if you need to talk, I check these forums usually every night if I have time. I'm here to try and help people like you.. people who are facing similar struggles that I have faced and still face. It's unfortunate but substance use, abuse and disorders are not understood by many but people seem to feel free to cast their judgement.

There is reason to be hopeful. Things can change for the better and that spark that has seem to disappeared can and will come back if you take action. You are so young still and your brain still has a lot of growing and developing to do, you can heal and grow.

 

[Joey]

Hey OP, sorry to hear about your struggles. It's an unfortunate struggle that our generation must face, and something we have just began to see the consequences of.. know that you are not alone in your struggle. It doesn't need to be some dark ugly secret covered in shame and guilt. I'd try to be as open as you can with others about it, particularly your doctor and parents. I would hope that reading about what you are experiencing would be something to take note of.. if your concerns are being ignored then it might be time to take action into your own hands. Ultimately it is your life, your future, your happiness and your well being that is at stake here, so even if those close to you disagree... you need to do what is right for you.

How old are you? If you are 18, I'd suggest stopping the pills. Tapering, or slowly stepping down the doses to avoid going cold turkey, can be a smooth way to transition off. If you are not 18, well you have some adult decisions to make and I hope you do what is right for you. I'm not going to tell you to stop, but I am going to say that just because they see you put a pill in your mouth doesn't mean you have to ingest it....again, my friend, you need to do what is right for you.

It's likely that your parents and doctor believe that they have your best interest in mind, but when we look at the fact of the matter- you are taking a stimulant medication in attempts to correct your behavior.

It sounds insane, and that's because it is. Anytime a normal person thinks like this it is considered substance abuse. There is no way a doctorate makes these facts any less true. Even if the doctor was to believe that the medication was working(having the intended effects), he/she would be a liar to say that there were no side effects(or unintended effects).


I would really encourage you to reach out to someone who is going to be understanding and who can offer real world support. An aunt, uncle, responsible older family member if your parents refuse to listen. Someone who might be able to talk some sense into them, and even if they dont more importantly someone who can help support you and get through this troubled time you are going through. You really don't want to go down this path of self-medicating and taking drugs to try and change or fix your emotions. it's a long painful road to nowhere. Prescription or not, seems like you already understand pretty well how a substance can change your life already.

Your parents don't have to be a part of your recovery/healing process if they don't want to be. If they ignore your concerns and keep doing what they believe is right despite, well, looking out for yourself is not wrong even if they may view it as disobedience. I'm not saying to be defiant about everything... but don't let anyone force feed you drugs you know aren't good for you...

PM if you need to talk, I check these forums usually every night if I have time. I'm here to try and help people like you.. people who are facing similar struggles that I have faced and still face. It's unfortunate but substance use, abuse and disorders are not understood by many but people seem to feel free to cast their judgement.

There is reason to be hopeful. Things can change for the better and that spark that has seem to disappeared can and will come back if you take action. You are so young still and your brain still has a lot of growing and developing to do, you can heal and grow.

This man is in these Dark Side forums all the time, PM him he's really here to help.