• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

How old were you when you understood your place in the world?

JessFR

JessFR

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 22, 2012
Messages
14,713
Location
somewhere else
I'm 24 and I still don't know who I am. And my life has been so fucked up I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel at this age. Am I supposed to feel this lost? Is that normal?

I don't know what it is about me but screwed up things just seem to be attracted to my life. I keep wondering to myself what I might have been like if my upbringing had been different. If I hadn't gone down a path of drugs and disregard for normal values and authority. I know it's kinda pointless to think about these things. Things went the way they went and that's the way it is. It's not like there isn't any interesting insight to seeing the world and society in ways people with more conventional lives will never know. At the same time I will never know what it's like to be one of them either.

I hope this isn't coming across arrogant or confusing, I just have trouble accepting who I am. If most ordinary people, and I know a lot of people will say there are no ordinary people but if nothing else there's definitely more ordinary than I am, if most ordinary people knew the things I've done, the drugs, the twisted set of morals I have, how I've abused my body, weird shit I've been into. They'd never want anything to do with me. And I find myself thinking about why I did those things to begin with, I keep coming back to the philosophy that.... you only live once right? And I don't think I'll live as long as most, on drugs or sober. And seeing as even when I try to live my life according to the way society says we're supposed to live, I still stand out, still feel rejected, it is so seductive to give in. To throw all caution to the wind and do whatever feels right for yourself. It's selfish, but I try not to hurt anyone who has never done anything to hurt me. And sometimes I feel like I have a right to be a bit selfish. Our whole lives are driven by the promise that if we're good people, work hard, have families, eventually it'll pay off when we have a loving family and our retirement.

But that's all crap, there's no certainty at all that that's how it will go when life's as fragile as it is. Why am I alive when I shouldn't be? Why do so many people so much more worthy and who had so much more to offer than me die in such senseless ways but I behave recklessly, impulsively, and yet am still here. I get the second chance that they should have had. How can I pretend the world is just when I know it's not. That the system works, that the propaganda's true, when I know it doesn't and isn't.

I'm trying to understand why I'm here, what I want to do in life. If anything. I'm not suicidal, I haven't been suicidal since shortly after I was hospitalized for my suicide attempt. I don't seek out death anymore, I just still don't fear it either. Indifference I suppose.

I can't take away the experiences that made me who I am. Whatever combination of whatever variables that make me prone to addiction. And I can't take away the knowledge of what drugs are capable of, can never return to the nativity of believing objective reality and subjective reality are the same, or the nativity that the world is a safe place and that your life can't be utterly destroyed in an instant, randomly, and for no real reason.

Believing in the things I do, that those like me do, how can you hope to one day have a normal life and be happy with it?
 
I think it's important to remember that you don't have to conform to this 'normal', traditional life to be happy - at all. Your life is what you make of it and you deserve to make of it what you wish in order to be happy (so long as you don't hurt anyone else in the process, of course).
I've sort of been in the same state of mind as you recently. I've had this dream for years of becoming an author and of making a living out of that, of basing my life around what I love to do most. And then recently, what with getting to university and seeing so many people with similar dreams, I started telling myself it was impossible and I'd just end up stuck in a boring 9-5 job I hated like everyone else. But it doesn't have to be that way - if I want to be an author no one but myself is stopping me from doing that. Seriously, it sounds horribly cliché, but follow yourr dreams. As you said, you only have only life to do it.

Drugs change things and they change your outlook on life and make so many things seem bleak in comparison, but that's not irreversible. You just have to work on it :)
 
I still do not know and I am a few years older then you. I am slowly figuring it out. I will say that when I was using, especially heavily, I had all these fantasies of what I was "supposed" to be. It wasn't until I aged and slowed down that I could even tackle this question. I still struggle with being kind to myself and suffer stress because I am "not where I want to be" in life.
 
I'm 22 and I'm also lost, well lost is an understatement, I'm beyond lost and I have always been since I was born I guess. I cant remember 'normalcy' or 'ordinariness' in any part of my life. I grew up in a family that psychiatrists would call 'dysfunctional', but to me they're plain crazy. When I was 7 years old I was already feeling depressed, having anxiety attacks, throwing temper tantruns, performing OCD rituals. I'm alone almost all the time because it's hard for me to find people that I can relate to, people that I can hold a conversation with without them thinking I'm a retard. Up to now it has never gotten significantly better. So I guess we're on the same boat.
 
Pagey said:
I think it's important to remember that you don't have to conform to this 'normal', traditional life to be happy - at all. Your life is what you make of it and you deserve to make of it what you wish in order to be happy (so long as you don't hurt anyone else in the process, of course).
Click to expand...

This is always a belief I had, and I was always open and forward in sharing it. However, from observing people my whole life I think it is very normal to not know what your place is in this world or ours. What's important is that your attempting to have new life experiences and trying to be as happy in the moment as possible. With time you will find a 'groove' that works for you.

This generation we are living in (I'm 23 myself) is very different than the previous. It is completely normal for someone to not settle down until they are 30 or so. Lots of our parents didn't go to school and just got married and settled down. Look at your freedom as a blessing, we have more time to find what we love in life.
 
Umm, for me it wasn't until this past year, age 36. Before now, I was successful and settled but not until this past year did I really feel 100% comfortable with my own skin, the choices I have made and will make, etc....
 
i'm a junkie who only empathizes with people when it will benefit me and i'm pretty happy with my life and am most certainly comfortable with who i am but there is a i think always be more that i want in life and i'm 23
 
I think ironically, that most of us are born knowing our place in the world and then bit by bit we lose that knowledge either by having it stolen from us by abusive situations or restrictive cultures, by trauma or just daily grind of trying to fit some perceived mold or just by giving it away because it becomes easier. Think back, waaaaayyy back to when you were so small and the world was one big surprise. You didn't ever think about what the world thought of you. You were too busy learning, observing, drawing conclusions. YOU were the judge of the world and not the other way around. The phrase "inner child" has been made so trivial and trite that it is difficult to even string those two words together and yet there definitely is in each one of us, that same selfless observer that connects with all he or she sees with the passion of an artist or a scientist. Paradoxically, thinking too much about yourself leads to having to "live up" to things, having to present proofs to yourself and others that you have worth. This is so backwards.

Your last question intrigues me. I think what you were asking is how to live outside the norm and still find happiness. My answer to that, and I draw it from many years of life-experience, is that it is harder to be happy living the norm than living outside of it by choice. Feeling lost is probably one of the most important things you can do. It means you are asking questions that don't have easy simple answers. You are willing to entertain uncertainty, that you are exploring. Those are all positive things!
 
Hmmm, still counting....


sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t..

Baz Luhrmann
 
herbavore said:
I think ironically, that most of us are born knowing our place in the world and then bit by bit we lose that knowledge either by having it stolen from us by abusive situations or restrictive cultures, by trauma or just daily grind of trying to fit some perceived mold or just by giving it away because it becomes easier. Think back, waaaaayyy back to when you were so small and the world was one big surprise. You didn't ever think about what the world thought of you. You were too busy learning, observing, drawing conclusions. YOU were the judge of the world and not the other way around. The phrase "inner child" has been made so trivial and trite that it is difficult to even string those two words together and yet there definitely is in each one of us, that same selfless observer that connects with all he or she sees with the passion of an artist or a scientist. Paradoxically, thinking too much about yourself leads to having to "live up" to things, having to present proofs to yourself and others that you have worth. This is so backwards.
Click to expand...

couldn't agree more.. identify what you value, maybe have always valued, before you started to value what parents, society, or other people told you are the correct things to value.. you didn't have change as you were rite all along.
 
I'm 27 and basically most of my insights came last year/two years. And they're still coming.

It's just what YOU make of it.
 
I'm 42yr old and most of the time I don't understand why things happen the way it does, but some days its clear as a bell. I try to concentrate on all the positives in my live and ban all negatives.
 
I'm 18 and I have no idea what I live for. I don't ever want to have kids or get married simply because I dislike everyone around me including myself and the idea of having a family to care for is repulsive. I've fucked up in school and now I'm fucking up in college and it doesn't even bother me.
Every other morning I get there late and tired as shit, halfway through the day I get a can of beer or two, and leave with my headphones on, listening to music because I dont want to face reality or do anything. For the last 7 or so years since high school I've spent every weekday tired and always been the most quiet one. I dislike socialising and communicating with people and I feel like a fucking junkie because I am tired all the time and I literally feel stoned permanently to the point where I'll go to the kitchen and start smiling to myself for no reason at all and not be able to stop.

And I don't know why I post shit like this anywhere because nobody gives a fuck and its not even on topic. Just never talked to anyone about anything personal ever in my 18 shit years of life, face to face at least.
i dont know what the fuck is going on anymore tbh

fuck me
 
I've thought about this and I know what it's like to feel lost. I feel a bit less like that in my late 20s than in my early 20s- I'm not sure why. Maybe you get used to it.
 
Last edited:
plmar said:
I'm 18 and I have no idea what I live for. I don't ever want to have kids or get married simply because I dislike everyone around me including myself and the idea of having a family to care for is repulsive. I've fucked up in school and now I'm fucking up in college and it doesn't even bother me.
Every other morning I get there late and tired as shit, halfway through the day I get a can of beer or two, and leave with my headphones on, listening to music because I dont want to face reality or do anything. For the last 7 or so years since high school I've spent every weekday tired and always been the most quiet one. I dislike socialising and communicating with people and I feel like a fucking junkie because I am tired all the time and I literally feel stoned permanently to the point where I'll go to the kitchen and start smiling to myself for no reason at all and not be able to stop.

And I don't know why I post shit like this anywhere because nobody gives a fuck and its not even on topic. Just never talked to anyone about anything personal ever in my 18 shit years of life, face to face at least.
i dont know what the fuck is going on anymore tbh

fuck me
Click to expand...

Hey plmar.. Relax, NO ONE EVER HAS A CLUE what they want or are all about at eighteen... If they thought they did they where damn surprised when what they wanted changed, Life is a journey, not a destination., relax and listen to yourself, what you feel is important, not what society, your teachers, your parents say is important and slowly work your way towards those things. Its easy to dislike yourself in the beginning, first find out who you are and then learn to love and accept yourself. Your views, opinions, and goals will change dramatically through out your life. Life is short but its long enough for many lives, in the begging you may forget that happiness is enjoying the journey and feel that you will reach it buy getting to a specific goal.. don't get discouraged, just pick another goal and learn to enjoy the struggle.. Even though your views, opinions, and goals will change you will find that some things remain inherent.. YOUR individual values and morals, or the things YOU find IMPORTANT, morals are a set of standards you set for yourself that will not change as your life does, a common one is that I will not murder, ect., Values are things that are important to YOU and these don't change with your life, such as if you value knowledge, values help shape your life, give you confidence, and importantly allow you to look at the views and opinions of others as the points of view and suggestions they are. Develop your values and morals and follow them. Relax, pay attention to what you learn along the way and listen to the little voice inside you that will whisper witch way to go, its not always very loud but its always rite!
 
^^ Thanks. The promise of mindfulness is about the only thing keeping me going at the moment.
 
Feeling lost seems to be the general theme of my life.

Its frustrating beyond all hell, what i wouldn't give just for some sense of foundation. It's a defeating notion and i sympathize with the feeling of wanting to throw all caution into the wind.. I'm 23 and each year that pass's i think i become more lost or maybe just more aware of the uncertainty of life. I've become distant with friends after moving on from drugs and noticing that they were perhaps more-so friends out of convenience but beyond that we had nothing in common, which is understandable.. friendships develop out of the fulfillment of a mutual benefit between people, as do relationships. I just feel as though i'm done with that chapter of life.

But the more i let go of the past the more i find myself somewhere in-between what was and what has yet to happen; creating an incredible feeling of disorientation in the world.

Travel is all i hold onto now, it's the only thing that makes sense to me; if im going to be lost i may as-well be lost in some part of the world..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top