probably relapsed about 15 times.
probably should've died about 15 times too.
i was doing about 1.2 grams of oxy a day about two weeks ago, ran through 100 tabs of 80's in the space of 5-6 days... shit it was more than 1.2 grams a day then..... my last night when i still had some oxy i essentially had died, i took about 15-16 of the tabs throughout the day because i was just feeling so down, luckily i had a sitter to wake me the fuck up. thats my 7th overdose if i'm counting too.
since then i've been chugging bottles of codeine cough syrup likes theres no tomorrow, topped with some kratom that i somehow acquired (i can't actually remember buying it, but i just had it lying around), and snorting like 1.2mg of subutex at a time, it's holding me ok, but it's being topped off with like 2 grams of gabapentin, some benzos here and there, fuck my life is such a mess. when you write it out and see what the fuck you're doing you just think, "wow- look what the fuck i've become".
i remember when i first took opiates, it was 25.6mg of the stuff, i was as high as a fucking kite. i've been searching for that buzz ever since. when i first took oxy too - the rush was just.... i can't begin to describe how i felt, it was so intense, so powerful, so joyful. the world had colour - but it was blooming, the world was finally looking good to me. i kinda blacked out, coming in and out of consciousness - but in an amazing way, not like alcohol. i've always been a really aggressive drunk, and its the reason i turned to drugs too - easier to conceal your highness, and I'm always peaceful. i've noted that i for some reason develop really intense and rapid tolerances to drugs, for instance alcohol - i can drink about 10 pints and feel OK, i won't be blacked out, but ill know i'm drunk. my tolerance to opiates shot up like there was no tomorrow either, going from recently 80mg of oxy, to 1.5 grams in the space of two months.
this is by no means bragging either, i'm ashamed of myself. and to be honest if anyone read this as if i was bragging about my addiction, well... cool.
i'm getting some more tomorrow. i don't know why, i just feel there is no life without opiates for me. since my childhood i never enjoyed anything, then when codeine came into my life at the ripe age of 15 - suddenly the world became a brighter place to live in. i genuinely think that there is a condition to do with opiates, they produce something (and i don't believe the whole endorphin bullshit either) that some can't. i can't enjoy anything whatsoever when i'm clean, i've been clean before when i was around 16 for 6-7 months simply because i was forced to go without opiates and it was just a total misery. i was also (semi) clean for about 6 months when i met my ex girlfriend, but you know there was still just that something missing.... i was madly in love with her, i still am, my drug use pretty much destroyed our relationship tbh, but fuck the opiates are so much better in the end of the day. i'd rather spend $1000 on some oxy than a fucking ring or bracelet or some shit like that for a girl.
i always relapsed on hard opiates whenever something bad happened in my life, id use heavily when things were going OK too - but nowhere near as hard, during my exams last year (for college) i was so stacked up on drugs i can hardly remember sitting them. i still managed to get some good grades though and into university - but fuck, my university was such a mistake to go to. everyone there is older than me (granted i wanted that, i'm so fucking tired and sick of kids my age, hah i'm one to speak aren't i?) but i thought there would at least be a couple of people around my age that were decent. nope.
i listen to nirvana, massive attack, all that depressing music and stuff and just think i'm a god when i float off. see i don't have many friends either - nobody wants to hang around with me because i'm such a risk its a joke, i'll probably drop dead someday, and nobody wants to fucking deal with that. i have two friends in my life - and i'm 21 years old. its fucked up. i don't know if opiates ruined my life or are just preventing the inevitability of my death. i never had any real friends throughout my time at school, i was a "rebel", people didn't want to come near me because they knew they'd get caught doing some shit with me, and get in trouble. i was at boarding school you see, i couldn't stand it, and then my father died when i was 15. you know the happiest memories i have are with my father, all the times i was smiling, enjoying myself, it was with him. i've been searching for a replacement ever since. and i've found it with opiates.
i've blown through about $500,000 if not more on this shit. thats in the space of 6 years.
if i had a gun it would have been pressed against the side of my head and taken it clean off a while ago. un/fortunately they are impossible to acquire. i wonder if my drug abuse is suicidal - my therapist says that its the case considering the dosages and the states that i get into, i was thinking well i'm going to die if i take these tabs, but i countered it with "well i'll be high as fuck, its worth the gamble". i'm rolling the dice every time i put some oxy down me, i'm not just playing with fire, i'm engulfing myself in it. i can write this all down and see what i'm doing yet mentally this will never stick, and i think that in some senses thats one of the worst parts of being an addict - your fucking stubbornness to use drugs. you just can't resist the temptation, and boy the temptation is all around me. i'm a walking, talking miracle in some sense.
i always think about my mother, how i should look after her, when in reality its her cradling me in her arms instead. i think of what a disappointment i am, what a failure and false hope that something good would come out of me- everyone had such high expectations for me and now look at me. i'm sitting at home all the time, fucked out of my head, with the memory of a goldfish. i can't remember past about 3 days now, i have little glimmers, but if you asked what i was doing at say 1pm last monday i couldn't tell you, simply because i can't remember.
since i broke up with my ex girlfriend who i thought was the love of my life and i would marry and live happily ever fucking after with, my drug use has gone through the roof. it's never been this bad. the past two months are just a huge blur - when she was moving her stuff out of my house i remember i was just sitting on my sofa, silent, i couldn't physically move because the emotional pain was so fucking hard. i crawl into my bed at nights nowadays, and turn over to try and hug her, she isn't there. i have to sleep with a fucking teddy bear otherwise i'll just lay awake thinking about her, unless i'm ridiculously doped, then i'll just pass out- my favourite, and my method for sleep for the past 6 years. i've had insomnia since i was a little kid - my mum always complained about it, and still does. you know i went for 4 days without sleep when i was 15 because i just couldn't-and id even tried to dose myself with stuff for the first two nights, but i just gave up after that, i realised shit i'm not going to sleep. i didn't even have a hefty drug habit then - but my mind just wouldn't shut the fuck up.
i've also realised that when i start going to the gym properly i get addicted to it hardcore. i'm a pretty big guy, but my muscles are wasting away now. i've not been in three months, and I'm just scared to go back because i think i won't be able to do anything, and that i'll have to leave after 10 minutes of being in there rather than the 5 hour sessions i used to push out myself everyday, obviously not 5 hours intensively training, but i'd do circuits, weights and i was heading to be a professional boxer. i have a 14-0-0 record in amateurs, i KO'ed a guy in 11 seconds- tyson did it in 9, the bastard, i couldve had the record. since opiates reduce testosterone so much i also wonder how much bigger/faster/stronger i would've been if i didn't use. but thats all the things i shouldn't be saying - could've, would've, should've, didn't. instead i should be thinking towards a better future. but it seems impossible.
sorry for the long post/ranting, too busy server.
