Juniper Bruhmomentius
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Social How many of you have a passive death wish? Or am I alone?
- Thread starter pernikar
- Start date
I would actually say I have a passive LIFE wish, meaning that I want to actually enjoy my life and challenge myself and go out and have all kinds of experiences, but I rarely find I have the will power or initiative to make any real change in my life.
I certainly don't want to die, but I do at my very most depressed imagine what it would be like to just suddenly get hit by a car if it was over quickly, or sometimes imagine how easy carbon monoxide poisoning would be, but then I snap out of it and realize I don't want that.
Problem is, how the fuck do I improve my life to the point where I actually feel I'm LIVING rather than just EXISTING?
I certainly don't want to die, but I do at my very most depressed imagine what it would be like to just suddenly get hit by a car if it was over quickly, or sometimes imagine how easy carbon monoxide poisoning would be, but then I snap out of it and realize I don't want that.
Problem is, how the fuck do I improve my life to the point where I actually feel I'm LIVING rather than just EXISTING?
entheologian
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2011
- Messages
- 125
When I was 12 the police came to my school and told me if it take solvents or mdma I might die, well that was bullshit and god knows I've tried
Nas47
Road-Weary Traveler
Have a patience.The life itself will teach u&show u how u can feel real livin',but no just existing
Jerry Atrick
Bluelight Crew
I say this all the time in different contexts but I found having serious hobbies that involve creativity and making a legacy can be very therapeutic, fulfilling, and really break the monotony of just work and sleep. For me it started out as painting acrylic on canvas with the goal of decorating my apartment with only original art and no posters then evolved into playing instruments and writing songs. It gave me something to live for that was on my terms rather than on some boss at work breathing down my neck. Hell, even sports, martial arts, and/or travel can help break up a rut as well. Anything really that involves effort and takes up time.
I don't watch TV except during football season and I truly limit my TV intake to just a few hours/games per week until the Spring, then no TV at all. IMHO, and some folks may strongly disagree, but sitting in front of a screen whether it is TV or video games is really just a waste of time. I mean literally, we can easily spend all waking hours a day when not working in front of a TV screen and what do we have to show for it? Diddly squat, that's what. At least I like doing things that improve my life or others instead of just passing the time for the sake of passing time. YMMV
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Yes. But.. It is more like i don't fear death. At all. If it happens, it happens and that's it.
It varies for me. I would never hurt anyone, but I do have passive feelings about it on occasion.
Flynnal
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 14, 2012
- Messages
- 849
Anyway, after many years of struggling, I feel as though it is getting close to my time. Obviously, I don't want to, but my health has deteriorated, especially mentally, and I cannot see much of a way out of this. My hearing started to distort this year. All high frequencies above say 5kHz start to sound like crickets, tiny bells, or broken glass - distortion is always there it's only the sound that varies, first on my left, and now on my right. I believe it is permanent since the left ear has been having trouble since March or February if I can remember that far back. My memory is also going to shit too. Only 43. How is that even possible? If I were 63, yeah, OK, but 43? Errrrrrr, no.
They say life isn't fair. Well, people die from cancer before they get to 23, and kids die from it all the time. The world can be a cruel, sad place. It is what it is. C'est la vie.
They say life isn't fair. Well, people die from cancer before they get to 23, and kids die from it all the time. The world can be a cruel, sad place. It is what it is. C'est la vie.
sohrah
Greenlighter
Lol I woke up this morning thinking like just let me die in my sleep already I don't have the balls to launch myself off the bridge still having my parents isn't spurring me towards terminating this organism (God knows where my soul would go like I know what that is) I don't want to die (it's inevitable they also say life is fleeting what's the rush? but feeling this way is a symptom of my living choices which create more & more fear and withering of my consciousness) I just want a different life but that's not an option is it I'm done I obviously am not the captain of my own ship just need to keep enduring this sick game of life the way I started using cannabis recently being a savage addict is making it harder finally starting to stop being fun when it really is obvious it stops me from developing myself
Nas47
Road-Weary Traveler
If u got problems only with canabis be glad.U can overrun this...don't even doubt.Don't loose hope man.u can do it.wish u strenght!
That's the trade with cannabis. It takes the energy you could use to figure out how to solve your issues/situation and returns a temporary high. It's why I stopped using it years ago. The problem is whilst you're using it you can't see (think) how you could possibly think of thinking of solutions to your issues.. it creates this circular logic in your mind, which it uses as justification for continuing use ("why bother stopping, I wouldn't be able to solve my problems anyway"). It's seductive. Great if you have no issues and want to vegetate, but if you want move forward it is parasitic.
It's only after you stop and look back that you realize that circular logic. It was deceiving you and convinced you out of your own potential. Perhaps it's the same for all drug addictions, I can only speak from my own experience with cannabis.
Just do it. Being clear headed makes life so much easier to tackle.
24HourPangolin
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 30, 2022
- Messages
- 7
Since way before I started using drugs (and that was ~30 years ago), probably since I was old enough to understand what death meant.
I never wanted to die but just didn't really care for my "own" sake, but there was always somebody (parent, partner, etc) whom I didn't want to be upset by my death. I still feel the same now.
I wouldn't say that drugs swung it much either way, except when I was using them in a social way (e.g. "E's" at rave's and the days after) I wanted to live more than when I wasn't in that situation, and I don't just mean the "high" phase of the drugs but the whole "being part of this thing", including sharing the comedowns"
TL/DR - I answered "Yes" but although I have been in the "many drug addicts/users" catagory my answer would have been the same if I hadn't.
In fact, I suspect it is one of the reasons I liked drugs so much.
I never wanted to die but just didn't really care for my "own" sake, but there was always somebody (parent, partner, etc) whom I didn't want to be upset by my death. I still feel the same now.
I wouldn't say that drugs swung it much either way, except when I was using them in a social way (e.g. "E's" at rave's and the days after) I wanted to live more than when I wasn't in that situation, and I don't just mean the "high" phase of the drugs but the whole "being part of this thing", including sharing the comedowns"
TL/DR - I answered "Yes" but although I have been in the "many drug addicts/users" catagory my answer would have been the same if I hadn't.
In fact, I suspect it is one of the reasons I liked drugs so much.
skipjames
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2022
- Messages
- 1,041
Not a big fan of Nietzsche but I agree with him on this point " “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.” (in my case dark nights are usually opiate w-d and-or coke comedowns ). But then when I fuck up for real (binging coke as if there was no tomorrow, mixing things you are not supposed to mix, etc) that is when death is not a thought but a real possibility I realize that my death will affect lots of people I love, that death sucks and I might be a weak idiot but I don t deserve the death penalty. Hence here I am. Just my two cent(avos )
That quote made me think of another (by Frank Sinatra): “Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels.”
The latter quote feels especially relevant for this site. People are often criticized, scorned, or treated with contempt because of the the particular "drug" they choose to cope with and better their life. And those people are also attacked for simply using a drug or drugs to help them get through difficult times, period. To me it both exudes empathy for the suffering of others, is inclusive of many coping methods, and gives the middle finger to any intolerance based on the sufferer's coping method. I like even more that it includes prayer. I'm not a particularly religious person, but hearing people being mocked for the simple act of praying pisses me off just as much.
“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”
If people had a little more compassion for each other instead of trying to battle in a morality dick waving contest, then we might actually lift ourselves up a bit. Probably wouldn't need drugs, TV, religion, consumerism, sugary food, if we actually looked out for each other. I forget where I heard it or the details, but there was a story about a tribe or community where basically when someone was suffering from death in the family or some other struggle then the group would gather together and basically lift that persons spirits up with hugs, dialogue, and what have you. The great thing about it of course, is no middleman is required, it's free, and it probably works a hell of a lot better than any of our substitute coping mechanisms.
Would a passive death wish still be prevalent if we had a community that looked out for one and other?
Dreamflyer
Bluelighter
I've never been truly suicidal, but there were times as a kid where I got bullied all day and then came home to my psychotic father all night. Back then, the thought crossed my mind that it would be okay if I fell asleep and didn't wake up. I never would have had the nerve to do it intentionally though.
Everyone always told me that things would get better when I got older, and they were right. I've lived, loved, traveled, met many great friends and done things that I never could have imagined when I was 14.
Even in my 50's I have my share of rough days, but I know that I can get through them.
Peace, Love & Faith,
Dreamflyer
Everyone always told me that things would get better when I got older, and they were right. I've lived, loved, traveled, met many great friends and done things that I never could have imagined when I was 14.
Even in my 50's I have my share of rough days, but I know that I can get through them.
Peace, Love & Faith,
Dreamflyer
jasperkent
Bluelighter
It varies in severity, but I've had passive death wishes (and sometimes active) since long before I started using drugs. I can remember learning about suicide when I was about 5yrs old and thinking Wow, you can do that? Cool.
I try to fill my day with small challenges so that I can feel like I'm making headway on my issues, and not ruminating too much. Took me a while to understand that, like years.