frostyangel
Bluelighter
How long...
does it take to become numb?
Because, yesterday I thought I woke up
feeling so numb to the existance of this damn
life I carry around everyday, I can not go
back. I can not change it anymore, because I
have lost myself so long ago that I do not
even know who I am. I do not even know what I
am changing into anymore.
today I am even more empty..
I am so done hidding every fucking emotion
that I did not want anyone else to see. The
strong side of me will never be as strong as
I betray it to be.
I want to run so far away and be alone
because that is what i believe in. Thinking
it is what everyone else wanted me to do, but
how long could I really be alone before I
crack.
I want to run away from everything.
Everything I ever knew.
Anyone who ever hurt me.
Anything that makes me feel less of a person
then I already do.
I will try not to look back even if it is
wrong. Even if it will not fix anything.
I will try not think about it. I will not
care about it. I will not cry about it. I
could probably stare into the sky for hours
without blinking. wondering where I went
wrong. So wrong that I hurt everyday. That I
am so empty in every way.
I feel like I let you go and I do not even
have a valid reason anymore.
I lost you because I am fucked up.
I pushed you so far away that I do not even
want back the only thing that I believe would
ever be right in my life. You were what I
needed someone to be. But I couldn't get over
the emotions of hatred and denial of
everything that I ever wanted and could not
ever get away from. All I ever wanted was for
you to see all that was broken and I could
not let you in far enough to realize that you
already had the power to fix my broken wings
that held me back from every dream that was
possible to me. I could not fix myself and
that is the only way it will ever be any
better. The only way that I can let you back
into this skipping record.
I can not think of you, because I will cry.
I can not see you, because I will cry.
Just to know for all of my insanity, I broke
your heart and it didn't even help mine.
The sad thing is I believed you were all I
had. You were the only one who could save me.
You were the only one would stand by my side
as I would be kicking you in the face.
I choose to walk away from those pretty blue
eyes. I feel as if my life is nothing but
lies. Lies to myself that I don't even choose
to tell.
I am done with trying to hard. I am done with
going out of my way to make others happy,
Especially when I feel that they would not do
it in return. I know that you could make me
happy. You did everything and I'm sorry that
I made you feel like you didn't do a good
enough job.
You held my heart until I decided to take it
away. You never deserved me. I just made your
life not make sense.
Now each day, I've been down to my last
breath. On my knees bleeding all of the blood
out of my veins. Holding on to the last smile
I will ever care to keep on my lips.
I have a desperate cry for help that I do not
even care if anyone hears.
does it take to become numb?
Because, yesterday I thought I woke up
feeling so numb to the existance of this damn
life I carry around everyday, I can not go
back. I can not change it anymore, because I
have lost myself so long ago that I do not
even know who I am. I do not even know what I
am changing into anymore.
today I am even more empty..
I am so done hidding every fucking emotion
that I did not want anyone else to see. The
strong side of me will never be as strong as
I betray it to be.
I want to run so far away and be alone
because that is what i believe in. Thinking
it is what everyone else wanted me to do, but
how long could I really be alone before I
crack.
I want to run away from everything.
Everything I ever knew.
Anyone who ever hurt me.
Anything that makes me feel less of a person
then I already do.
I will try not to look back even if it is
wrong. Even if it will not fix anything.
I will try not think about it. I will not
care about it. I will not cry about it. I
could probably stare into the sky for hours
without blinking. wondering where I went
wrong. So wrong that I hurt everyday. That I
am so empty in every way.
I feel like I let you go and I do not even
have a valid reason anymore.
I lost you because I am fucked up.
I pushed you so far away that I do not even
want back the only thing that I believe would
ever be right in my life. You were what I
needed someone to be. But I couldn't get over
the emotions of hatred and denial of
everything that I ever wanted and could not
ever get away from. All I ever wanted was for
you to see all that was broken and I could
not let you in far enough to realize that you
already had the power to fix my broken wings
that held me back from every dream that was
possible to me. I could not fix myself and
that is the only way it will ever be any
better. The only way that I can let you back
into this skipping record.
I can not think of you, because I will cry.
I can not see you, because I will cry.
Just to know for all of my insanity, I broke
your heart and it didn't even help mine.
The sad thing is I believed you were all I
had. You were the only one who could save me.
You were the only one would stand by my side
as I would be kicking you in the face.
I choose to walk away from those pretty blue
eyes. I feel as if my life is nothing but
lies. Lies to myself that I don't even choose
to tell.
I am done with trying to hard. I am done with
going out of my way to make others happy,
Especially when I feel that they would not do
it in return. I know that you could make me
happy. You did everything and I'm sorry that
I made you feel like you didn't do a good
enough job.
You held my heart until I decided to take it
away. You never deserved me. I just made your
life not make sense.
Now each day, I've been down to my last
breath. On my knees bleeding all of the blood
out of my veins. Holding on to the last smile
I will ever care to keep on my lips.
I have a desperate cry for help that I do not
even care if anyone hears.
