Hi, I know this thread is kinda old.. but anyway!
I'm a 17yo old boy, and about a year and a half ago (maybe more) I was at a friends house and I smoked a joint of cannabis...My last. I had a bad trip!!! For the context: I was pretty tired (partys the nights before, so smoking, etc), and that one joint suddenly destroyed me. I fell unconscious for a couple of minutes w/o noticing it because I can only remember lighting the joint, then waking up on the floor, with cold sweat. I remember looking at my friends talking, while my heart was racing, and i was grabbing onto the nearest table cuz i felt like i was leaving my body, leaving reality. My mind was like confused of its own existance and fonction. I really felt like I was going to die, or at least leave my body, and live in a 3rd person like way, or something like that. I dont know i was scared and high. mybe a bit too "high"..
Anyway, i went back home and went to bed (alone in house, paranoid, and had a lot of trouble falling asleep). The next morning i woke up, and actually didn't "feel awake". It was th first time i felt that. And ever since, I've never felt a "real" waking up, as i felt before. Probably just paranoia or something, i dont know.
For about a month or two after that night, I was in a bad state. No concentration, no appetite, paranoia, anxiety, blurry and distorted vision of the world around me, i felt like there was a glass wall in front of me too, like my life was a film that i was watching on a screen, like i could see the same things as everyone else, i lived the same things, etc, but it just didnt feel 100% real. LIKE I'M IN A DREAM..
Those feelings are still there, but much less. I can cope with them basically. At the start i just felt i was going to die, or that i was really high and thought i would never ever come down.
I still feel like i'm still a bit up there, that my brain is missing a thing that made me live life and think sincerely "Yes! This is reality!". I still feel like my mind has got cotton wool in it, preventing the full fonction of my senses and having a clear mind, a free mind, not gasping for air in a pool of negative/paranoia-like/reality doubting thoughts and feelings. In other words, I've always kept in me, somewhere, a kinda doubt of my life, of reality, of my existance, and I constantly (often, not on purpose) check if i'm not in a dream.. I wish, i wish hard, that one morning I'll "wake up", I'll feel the difference, and I'll say to myself "Finally.. !"
My life is an everyday struggle in my subconscious negative thoughts. But like i said, i do feel better than a year ago! Well, i don't know if the derealization has gradually left, or if I've just gotten used to it..
Anyway, it's a long story, a very long struggle (I'm not wining, believe me), and a part from that my life hasn't fallen to pieces (socially). I do wish i could go back in time and not smoke that one joint, but then maybe it was going to happen one day or the other. And maybe it has opened me up to myself and made me think more (existanciel thoughts, etc).. Maybe a bit to much sometimes (sometimes ive gotten anxiety waves, and an even stronger "lost in the clouds" feeling..).
ANYWAY! I came here mainly to ask a
question... I havent touched cannabis ever since the incident. I'm scared that if i smoke again i'll have another bad trip and be thrown back in the derealisation (as like at the begginning!), but I still am tempted. More and more. I also feel more and more confident and in control of myself. My friends all smoke, and so : I was wondering what you all think about smoking again? Of course, not regularly like before. just everynow and then (like at a party or so). Do you think it's harmfull in my case? Do you think it'll just be fine (if i dont panic) and might even help my case? (I read once that a schizophrenia developing boy, smoked some after bad experience and it actually helped). I was thinking maybe the "coming down" from being high, would help me see the contrast between "being in the clouds" and reality for real (as i consider myself already kinda in the clouds); is that possible?
Basically, is it wise, not wise or "neutral" for me to try smoking weed again ? Just a bit, slowly, with the right people... (Some blueberry. Not too cerebral, more physical high/stone).
That's it. I really hope someone can help. Really.
Thank you for whoever managed to read my post, and sorry for the bad writing.
Peace, and good vibes to all those suffering from derealization!
If you want to contact me via email, here:
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