How is the Relationship with your family after all your fuck ups?

I'd become more open tonight then I been in a decade it's kinda wacky. But I have a lot of built up emotional things going on. And I probably won't be alive much longer so fuck it why holdback. I love you Mr. Jack Jones and remember coming on the NMI crew back in the day like 09-10 you are really good people and me and Laikia always loved you..
 
I love you too, man.

But I was a Trip Reports and Words mod. Was I on NMI at one point too?

Yeah, I had thought where you went for some time. Great to see you back.
 
I'm mostly just PD fam but Itry and hold it together on my better days. I just througly enjoy watching this whole thing playout. And yes you were TR and Words mod but your first position was in NMI because I remember back in the day talking about you in my living room with Laika.
 
Sadly he passed on a few years ago.

Was going in for surgery and didn't wake up again after they put him under. It was completely fucked, dude was the best friend I ever had in this tripped out world. But he was modding for alot of the years while I was in prison and I'm close with his loved ones. Then I got a little older and manage to keep my shit together better these days. But that don't mean the best of us ain't moved on :)
 
Jesus Christ. I did not see a Shrine thread about him.

Not a bad way to go out though, if I may be so insensitive.

We are two of the survivors. There are so many of us from the BL of a decade or so ago that are gone. We live rough lives. I had two overdoses in a week a couple months ago. I went to detox, again, and got on Suboxone. I never thought I would live this long.
 
Me either brother I'm copping another 10 bundles in the morning and if I can find a fresh spike it will make my day. I'm ready to die at this point I'm getting old and I'm having alot of issues due to malnutrition sincey wife be left. I go no in these be periods that lose feeling in my hands and the sensation of touch for days or weeks. Makes me think I gotta find something else because I am dying.when she cooked meals for me everyday and I got my veggies it was different. Now I just swirl up how many bags I can in a shot, I haven't smiled in year's. Im living for a bodega and I'd never believed in this shit. But I don't want help, cuz I'll take what I need.
 
Yeah, my wife left too. Took the kids. Smart girl she is. She tried though.

I do not know what to do now. Suicide probably.
 
Seems like a pussy way out and my best woman wasn't the mother of my kids which was an eye opener. But she has her own issues with food addiction and my torrentially opiated mess can't help... but I had like 16-17 drinks since my last rest and I'm ready for actions. Gotta shower my sweaty corpse but once I'm back out I'll smell like Dove. How old are you Mr.Jones 30-35 i bet you could fit in my scene. I could teach you how to be a new breed of city trash, it's a pretty hilarious lifestyle.
 
Ha ha, Charlie. Sounds like fun. I actually did the street thing last year as I casually roamed the east coast from Florida to New York. It was fun... sometimes.

I am 37.
 
Over the last couple of years I've managed to destroy the relationships I had with the people who I love and care for more than anything in the world. My adult step daughter no longer wants any contact with me and my divorce is due to be finalised sometime in the next few weeks. At some point in th near future I'm going to have to write a difficult letter to my auntie, one of my few remaining relatives as both my parents have passed away, explaining that my wife is divorcing me because of my substance dependency and I'm entering residential rehab next week.

I know how lucky I am that my sister and her family still love and care for me unconditionally despite my fuckups and are there for me if and when I need support.
 
You are not alone, Catflap.

I feel like I am on life support. Everything is gone and all that is left are memories and regret.
 
It's complicated.

Yes, I've lead a very chaotic life and that has affected those around me a lot and I feel really bad about the way in which I've affected certain people, but...........ultimately my parents 'need to answer', for why as an 11 year old I was drinking, smoking, smoking weed, doing poppers, sniffing glue and carving 'my name is dead' in to my arm.

It's only through therapy that I've really realised just how 'not normal' it is for a child of that age to be doing that, like really not the behaviour an 11 year old child normally displays. Essentially I can see the evidence shows that children basically don't do that unless they've been abused. Whatever was going on in my head it wasn't really my fault and the people around me had the responsibility to ensure that as a child I had an environment that wouldn't end up making be behave like that. I used to think that I was some sort of fraud and dismiss things by saying I thought it was cool and that's why I was doing it. Taking a step back and looking on things as an adult I realise that even if that IS what was going on then what the fuck happened that made me need to reach for that as an identity?

It's difficult because I have a shit memory and I don't remember a lot of my childhood, especially before the age of about 10ish. Certainly there were some clearly identifiable issues in the way I was raised that I can say have affected my psyche negatively, but by the same token I don't think I was ever seriously physically abused or sexually abused. If I have been then it is fully repressed and I don't remember it whatsoever at the moment.

I'm in communication with both parents and the relationships are superficially 'OK' in some ways but all the time there's this undercurrent of me trying to workout wtf happened to make me be in that relatively extreme place at such a young age. It's an odd one tbh, but I'm just 'keeping my options open' as it were and trying to take it slowly to work out how to unfuck this mess as far as is possible. Like I said I do feel bad about the way I've affected certain people, namely my brother, but it's worth noting that whilst we have an open and caring (but a little distant) relationship with each other he hasn't spoken to the person I would suggest is responsible for quite a lot of damage (my father) for seven or eight years.

So yeah, it's complicated.......:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
 
It's complicated.

Yes, I've lead a very chaotic life and that has affected those around me a lot and I feel really bad about the way in which I've affected certain people, but...........ultimately my parents 'need to answer', for why as an 11 year old I was drinking, smoking, smoking weed, doing poppers, sniffing glue and carving 'my name is dead' in to my arm.

It's only through therapy that I've really realised just how 'not normal' it is for a child of that age to be doing that, like really not the behaviour an 11 year old child normally displays. Essentially I can see the evidence shows that children basically don't do that unless they've been abused. Whatever was going on in my head it wasn't really my fault and the people around me had the responsibility to ensure that as a child I had an environment that wouldn't end up making be behave like that. I used to think that I was some sort of fraud and dismiss things by saying I thought it was cool and that's why I was doing it. Taking a step back and looking on things as an adult I realise that even if that IS what was going on then what the fuck happened that made me need to reach for that as an identity?

It's difficult because I have a shit memory and I don't remember a lot of my childhood, especially before the age of about 10ish. Certainly there were some clearly identifiable issues in the way I was raised that I can say have affected my psyche negatively, but by the same token I don't think I was ever seriously physically abused or sexually abused. If I have been then it is fully repressed and I don't remember it whatsoever at the moment.

I'm in communication with both parents and the relationships are superficially 'OK' in some ways but all the time there's this undercurrent of me trying to workout wtf happened to make me be in that relatively extreme place at such a young age. It's an odd one tbh, but I'm just 'keeping my options open' as it were and trying to take it slowly to work out how to unfuck this mess as far as is possible. Like I said I do feel bad about the way I've affected certain people, namely my brother, but it's worth noting that whilst we have an open and caring (but a little distant) relationship with each other he hasn't spoken to the person I would suggest is responsible for quite a lot of damage (my father) for seven or eight years.

So yeah, it's complicated.......:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
It's always good to read Ur posts Man, you're a very experienced person in this dark world. I always learn something from what u write, cheers Man.
 
My parent didnt see me the same, I wasnt the same. I had stolen from them a bit but moreso all I did and looked foreward to was drugs, I wasnt an enjoyable person to be around, unless you wanted to do drugs. Mainly the trust being lost was the real damage I think, I told a ton of lies, a lot of which were probably pretty obvious. It did change though, I would say I noticed a difference after about 6 months of not buying drugs from the street, staying on my script and not having to lie. It does take time and its hard when you arent trusted yet are trying hard to do right. But when people see that you've changed, which depending on what you did could take a while, and start trusting you itll feel great. I think everyone would rather be forgiving but its hard when you have been screwed over and arent sure if its gonna happen again, until that trust is rebuilt.
 
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