fuck it. that's right, FUCK IT.
Now don't get me wrong, there are some drugs that I just cannot do anymore. That is, if I want to maintain any form of responsible and normal lifestyle.
The following is a list of drugs that will take me down HARD:
Heroin
Methamphetamine
That concludes the list.
Honestly, outside of those two drugs, I think I'm just gonna continue to get high. I mean, really, what is the big deal? I try to wrap my brain around that question every fucking day.
What is the big problem if I occasionally use recreational drugs?
And I guess maybe Im just frustrated that not everyone looks at it that way. They immediately conjure up the worst case scenario in their minds and assume that is what definitely will happen.
As if I'm just gonna take a bunch of sleeping pills and ibuprofen on my way to an overdose, HERP DERP saw it on Erowid HUHHHHHHHH
get the fuck out of here. I feel like a douche for saying this but honestly, I'm pretty fucking good at taking drugs. To the point where I wish the people who were worried fully understood like just how much I research this shit and thought I put into it.
It's not like I'm at a party and just going "yeah, let me do that"
no, I plan this shit out. At first, I was just trying drugs to see what I liked, and what I didnt like
Some stuff I didnt care for, some stuff completely became my life.
But the point is, I had to try them to figure all of this out. I'd rather be at this point knowing what I know now instead of not knowing anything about drugs, if that makes any sense.
It's not so much that I can't stop using drugs, I just struggle to find reasons to do so. I don't want to be a role model or do the whole white picket fence with two kids shit. I just want to go through life having a few laughs and just straight chillin. How is that harmful to anyone? It's not even harmful to me!
"blah bleh blkah YOU don't even have any goals or ambition, such a waste of potential!"
ok guy, here's a goal for you: Let me figure out a way to not have to listen to people tell me about goals and potential.
Seriously, that's it. That is my major goal in life: Have everyone leave me the fuck alone.
Boom, now that that is out of the way, let's look at how to go about this.
Option 1: Be a heroin junkie
Well this option certainly does the job pretty well. Being left alone that is, heroin is really good at that. It takes you to a magical place where all your problems float away and nothing bothers you. Unfortunately, you generally wind up enjoying this feeling underneath a bridge somewhere and the other 90% of your life is absolutely horrible. And, I already tried this route. Not sustainable
Option 2: Kill myself
A bit more extreme measures here, and this is definitely an option that would always be a backup plan to option 1, and they kind of intertwine a bit. Not really much to gain here, and depending on which book from the previous millennium you subscribe to, could actually lead me straight to hell. I have no desire to kill myself, and can't really see it ever becoming an actual concern at this point, but it is always an option. Not trying to be morose here, just covering all the bases.
Option 3: Become a lifelong criminal
Now we're getting somewhere, I could just be a criminal for the rest of my life! I have this weird relationship with stealing things, it's like I know I can do it but I am reluctant to because I have always been trying to not rack up criminal charges. But if I just say fuck it and don't worry about my record, yeah I could definitely just rob houses / businesses for a living. Total scumbag move, but again, its an option. Go to jail, get out, steal, get high, back to jail. They still gotta feed you 3 times a day you know.
Option 4: work full time at a job I hate for the rest of my life and use drugs as a way to escape my shitty reality
seems to always be the fall back plan. Could be worse I guess
Option 5: Go back to college, get a good job, work super hard, put money away for retirement, have kids, settle down
That's what they're expecting me to do...
Nah but seriously, I just don't want to do that. And that's really the crux of this whole post.
That is what I should do with my life. I don't want to do that.
So where does that leave us?
I guess some would say that I need to "grow up", but I don't really think I'm immature or anything, and I definitely try to be a good person towards other people. I just don't want to do anything more in life than I have to.
And when did that become such a travesty? I feel like society has shifted towards this like belief that you should strive to live your life like the fucking Dos Equis guy from the commercials, The Most Interesting Man in the World.
Yeah, that guy probably never got off work, went home, smoked weed, watched a Sixers loss, and went to bed. I'm sure that is definitely NOT going to be in any Dos Equis commercials any time soon. But you know something, you don't have any idea what goes on in my head 24/7.
I've tried to avoid having to admit this to myself, but I'm fucking weird man. In a lot of different ways. Drugs just help me forget about this. I might not be the most interesting man in the world, but I like to think that I am capable of providing very unique and accurate insight towards things that I come across in my life. And, sometimes, I feel like that is something that might be more valuable than being the coolest guy on Instagram or w/e. I like to talk to myself because I'm usually saying something worth hearing. But it's really just me hearing it, but when I say it out loud I feel like I'm saying it to someone? Im still not sure why I do that, again, weird shit.
And the worst part is, you would never even know it. I'm such a pleasant person on the outside. Get along with everyone, say please and thank you, hold the door for an old lady type of shit.
But I'm fucking weird. On the inside. And I know it. Usually it takes people a little bit before they realize it and subsequently my friendships don't usually last very long. Relationships are twice as worse. I don't have friends, I just have people that I do drugs with sometimes.
Idk man, I know a lot of shit about a lot of shit, but I still can't figure out why I don't live a normal existence. And I can't decide whether it is better to be different, or if it would be a lot more simpler to just be like everyone else.
I don't know what im trying to say anymore. I talk to myself a lot, but it's more just a way of vocalizing my thoughts to hear them out loud to sort of form this like quasi-relationship with this person who doesnt exist but totally gets me and doesnt think im weird or anything
My god, it's like I love myself and hate myself at the same time. I love my brain, and my thoughts, and my ability to learn things at a fast pace.
But I hate my actual self, my actual life, my actual place in the world. And I don't even have much to bitch about. Sure, itd be nice to be a bit taller. It'd be nice to have a perfect smile. It'd be nice to have a full head of hair. But all things considered, I should be a lot more happy with myself than I am.
But it's nothing physical that is making me like this. No, this is something that is coming from inside.
I'm miserable with drugs
I'm miserable without drugs
And I can't fucking take it anymore
Now don't get me wrong, there are some drugs that I just cannot do anymore. That is, if I want to maintain any form of responsible and normal lifestyle.
The following is a list of drugs that will take me down HARD:
Heroin
Methamphetamine
That concludes the list.
Honestly, outside of those two drugs, I think I'm just gonna continue to get high. I mean, really, what is the big deal? I try to wrap my brain around that question every fucking day.
What is the big problem if I occasionally use recreational drugs?
And I guess maybe Im just frustrated that not everyone looks at it that way. They immediately conjure up the worst case scenario in their minds and assume that is what definitely will happen.
As if I'm just gonna take a bunch of sleeping pills and ibuprofen on my way to an overdose, HERP DERP saw it on Erowid HUHHHHHHHH
get the fuck out of here. I feel like a douche for saying this but honestly, I'm pretty fucking good at taking drugs. To the point where I wish the people who were worried fully understood like just how much I research this shit and thought I put into it.
It's not like I'm at a party and just going "yeah, let me do that"
no, I plan this shit out. At first, I was just trying drugs to see what I liked, and what I didnt like
Some stuff I didnt care for, some stuff completely became my life.
But the point is, I had to try them to figure all of this out. I'd rather be at this point knowing what I know now instead of not knowing anything about drugs, if that makes any sense.
It's not so much that I can't stop using drugs, I just struggle to find reasons to do so. I don't want to be a role model or do the whole white picket fence with two kids shit. I just want to go through life having a few laughs and just straight chillin. How is that harmful to anyone? It's not even harmful to me!
"blah bleh blkah YOU don't even have any goals or ambition, such a waste of potential!"
ok guy, here's a goal for you: Let me figure out a way to not have to listen to people tell me about goals and potential.
Seriously, that's it. That is my major goal in life: Have everyone leave me the fuck alone.
Boom, now that that is out of the way, let's look at how to go about this.
Option 1: Be a heroin junkie
Well this option certainly does the job pretty well. Being left alone that is, heroin is really good at that. It takes you to a magical place where all your problems float away and nothing bothers you. Unfortunately, you generally wind up enjoying this feeling underneath a bridge somewhere and the other 90% of your life is absolutely horrible. And, I already tried this route. Not sustainable
Option 2: Kill myself
A bit more extreme measures here, and this is definitely an option that would always be a backup plan to option 1, and they kind of intertwine a bit. Not really much to gain here, and depending on which book from the previous millennium you subscribe to, could actually lead me straight to hell. I have no desire to kill myself, and can't really see it ever becoming an actual concern at this point, but it is always an option. Not trying to be morose here, just covering all the bases.
Option 3: Become a lifelong criminal
Now we're getting somewhere, I could just be a criminal for the rest of my life! I have this weird relationship with stealing things, it's like I know I can do it but I am reluctant to because I have always been trying to not rack up criminal charges. But if I just say fuck it and don't worry about my record, yeah I could definitely just rob houses / businesses for a living. Total scumbag move, but again, its an option. Go to jail, get out, steal, get high, back to jail. They still gotta feed you 3 times a day you know.
Option 4: work full time at a job I hate for the rest of my life and use drugs as a way to escape my shitty reality
seems to always be the fall back plan. Could be worse I guess
Option 5: Go back to college, get a good job, work super hard, put money away for retirement, have kids, settle down
That's what they're expecting me to do...
Nah but seriously, I just don't want to do that. And that's really the crux of this whole post.
That is what I should do with my life. I don't want to do that.
So where does that leave us?
I guess some would say that I need to "grow up", but I don't really think I'm immature or anything, and I definitely try to be a good person towards other people. I just don't want to do anything more in life than I have to.
And when did that become such a travesty? I feel like society has shifted towards this like belief that you should strive to live your life like the fucking Dos Equis guy from the commercials, The Most Interesting Man in the World.
Yeah, that guy probably never got off work, went home, smoked weed, watched a Sixers loss, and went to bed. I'm sure that is definitely NOT going to be in any Dos Equis commercials any time soon. But you know something, you don't have any idea what goes on in my head 24/7.
I've tried to avoid having to admit this to myself, but I'm fucking weird man. In a lot of different ways. Drugs just help me forget about this. I might not be the most interesting man in the world, but I like to think that I am capable of providing very unique and accurate insight towards things that I come across in my life. And, sometimes, I feel like that is something that might be more valuable than being the coolest guy on Instagram or w/e. I like to talk to myself because I'm usually saying something worth hearing. But it's really just me hearing it, but when I say it out loud I feel like I'm saying it to someone? Im still not sure why I do that, again, weird shit.
And the worst part is, you would never even know it. I'm such a pleasant person on the outside. Get along with everyone, say please and thank you, hold the door for an old lady type of shit.
But I'm fucking weird. On the inside. And I know it. Usually it takes people a little bit before they realize it and subsequently my friendships don't usually last very long. Relationships are twice as worse. I don't have friends, I just have people that I do drugs with sometimes.
Idk man, I know a lot of shit about a lot of shit, but I still can't figure out why I don't live a normal existence. And I can't decide whether it is better to be different, or if it would be a lot more simpler to just be like everyone else.
I don't know what im trying to say anymore. I talk to myself a lot, but it's more just a way of vocalizing my thoughts to hear them out loud to sort of form this like quasi-relationship with this person who doesnt exist but totally gets me and doesnt think im weird or anything
My god, it's like I love myself and hate myself at the same time. I love my brain, and my thoughts, and my ability to learn things at a fast pace.
But I hate my actual self, my actual life, my actual place in the world. And I don't even have much to bitch about. Sure, itd be nice to be a bit taller. It'd be nice to have a perfect smile. It'd be nice to have a full head of hair. But all things considered, I should be a lot more happy with myself than I am.
But it's nothing physical that is making me like this. No, this is something that is coming from inside.
I'm miserable with drugs
I'm miserable without drugs
And I can't fucking take it anymore
