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How I feel about my kitty death

HighVoltage

HighVoltage

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 27, 2012
Messages
27
Location
France
Hi,

Since I sign in Bluelight I haven't post a lot. I mainly read without participating.
When I join your community I hadn't tried LSD and MDMA yet.
Now LSD is my favorite drug. Not the easiest to find but I find psychedelics much more appealing to me than any stimulant / opiace / opioid / disso / whatever.


Back to my story.

J., my kitty was born the 27th of January, he came in my life the 2nd of April and came out of it the 8 June.
I live in a flat, at a very high floor.
I always was careful with my windows, not leave them open when I leave or when I'm not able to supervise J.

Saturday evening, I was with two close friends of mine. It was one hot day and without really realizing it, my friends and I felt asleep, not closing the window.

Sunday morning
6am
1 of my 2 friends leave my flat.

8am
I wake up, realize that my friend have left but I don't worry, my cat is not in the bed, maybe he sleep in the bathroom. In fact he was already dead.

10am30
After sleeping for two hours I wake up. Get out the bed, decide to feed the cat. But he won't come.
I start to panick. I think I knew he was dead at this moment but I couldn't accept it.
I search in my flat everywhere, I call him. I wake up my last friend. I scream.

I look out of the window.

A little grey thing lie some 80m lower.

I can't accept it.

I search a last time for him. Then go back to the window.
Not only can I still see my dead kitty but a dog and two persons are here too. The dog look at J. from some distance. Then he understands. And turn his back with disgust.

I call my girlfriend.

11am
She is in the train, plan to be at my flat at 12.

...

I will skip all that happened since this moment. Maybe I'll complete later.

I want to share my feelings.
Last night my girlfriend came to take back some of her stuff. We had sort of break up just before.
It was a crazy night. She decided so stay, we talk a lot. I was very honest the all night.
But I did some things I'm not proud of.

I frightened my girlfriend.
I hurted her (I won't tell you how, just it's not serious stuff but it's still a behavior which disgust me) and I am truly shameful about it.
I'm not myself anymore.
I see his death as a RESET.
Before his death is like million years ago and before I had him is a billion year ago.

I have not a care in the world (or close, my girlfriend is one of the only thing that will keep me from doing extreme stuff, but as I know how she truly love me I know I could still do horrible things and being forgiven...).
I feel free as I never felt like.
I feel strong (even if I break down often).
I feel sad.
Hurt.
Damaged.
Fearless.
I have no limits anymore.
I feel dangerous.
I feel unstable.
I can't barely eat, sleep is hard to find.

We decide to make a pause for the best of us with my girlfriend. But we're still in love and together. Just I won't see her if I feel like I could have the same behavior as yesterday.
 
I am really sorry to hear about your cat. It sounds like you need to get some help for your emotions and your actions. If you feel out of control and are actually hurting people, it's time to reach out to get help. LSD is a powerful drug and it can be used for good changes but it can also be abused. Clearing your mind from all drugs will help you sleep, help you regain control of yourself and will allow you to see if you have other things going on mentally that are not drug related at all.
 
I've lost many pets over the years and it never gets easier because our fur babies are part of the family. Whether you were high, coming down, in shock, grieving or whatever don't use this as a reason to abuse your girlfriend. It's probably best that you take some time apart so you can sort out your emotions.
 
Thanks for your replies.

I think I need help. I saw my psychologist monday and I'll see her tomorrow. Then I'll quit I don't want to spent my money that way.
I decided at the end of my crazy night to see the doctor for pills : stillnox, and something else strong but not a long term medication : I won't let it happen, I control my addictions (quit smoking cigs more than one year ago, never been addicted to any drug except cannabis daily but can quit it it's the most manageable of all drug I tried).
I'll see him tomorrow I think.

At 4pm I'll sign for the sale of my grandfather's flat. I'm bankrupt now but my sister and I will split 50/50 this flat and I'll be bankable again.
I didn't spend the first part of this heritage wisely. Proof is my sister still got money and not me.

I'm at the edge of ruining my year too since I have examination period next week. My internship for 1 July just got canceled.

And for the best of us I'm still with my gf but won't see her till I'm sure I won't scare her again.
 
About my drug use :

Day 1 (Sunday)
Smoke a countless amount of joints since my kitty death, no one did any effect on me. Till 4 am where I decided not to smoke anymore for the day/night.
Eat junk food bought by my gf. Drink many espresso, no sugar.

Day 2
Again many joints. Psychologist. Joints, friends, 1 macdo. many espressos.

Day 3
Many joints, many espressos. no food except one salmon slice (?) I'm french, dunno all your vocabulary ah ah. And 3 special K.

Day 4
Joints, espressos, junk food.

Today
2 joints, one still in my hand as I'm writing. 2 espressos. Going to the shower to get prepared. Then take train, go see parents first time since the accident (that I feel guilty 100%) and sign the sale. Without my sister, she made a procuration.

Best regards, hope to read you all quickly.

PS : drugs available at my home

- Weed
- LSD
- Tramadol
- Codeine
- 6apb

I don't feel the need to take any of them except weed as I don't want to run away from reality and responsibilities.
Since I have not a care in the world actually and feel invincible it could only make things worse.
 
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Love the pictures. <3

What are your goals in life? Just curious. It sounds like you might be asking that question yourself.
 
Listen, please. I've experienced it twice, losing a cat in very traumatic ways, too.

The only think that helps is getting a new cat. You don't want it, you want your old cat, and you never want to go through that again.

But what happened for me was that not long after I'd lost my second cat, the landlord of the house I was renting had an old mother who had to go to the home for the elderly, so there was no one to take care of her young cat. So he asked me.

And first I said, very sombrily, that, no, I had already lost two cats and it was enough, I didn't want to go through that again.

And he just said something like, a down-to earth farmer, "That's how things can go on this Earth". And I agreed to try looking after him for a few days - deal done.

Completely sold. He was just irresistable, the most beautiful affectionate cat in the world, and the best cat I've ever had. Everyone who sees him comments on how special he is. He's given me so much joy and completely removed the pain of losing my other cats.

I've had him the longest and I wouldn't choose any other cat if I had the choice. Best decision I've made.

There are so many wonderful cats out there who can give so much and offer so much comfort.

I suggest you start looking as soon as possible, no matter how you feel against it, because when you have that little kitten (or in my case grown cat) in your home it will give you so much joy and immediately start to heal that wound.

Cats do this very effectively. It's not like losing a child. They are pretty much the same and in a way you can connect with all cats through one cat - they soon fill the void after the one you lost. Of course they all have different personalities, but choose one you fall in love with, and connect with. Not just any random cat.

And just think about all the cats who need caring homes - you'll be doing a great act of mercy too.
 
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My goals :

- move, buy first flat
- get driver license, buy bmw
- get a new cat (siamese or oriental probably)
- find a new internship (I need to do 4, 5 or 6 months of internship for my first semester next year)
- first tattoo, second tattoo

I just bought an iPad for my Dad. And I'm looking to buy a present for some of my close friends, my gf, my family.
 
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