45mg hydrocodone, 5mg alprazolam, 2mg clonazepam, 75mg promethazine
Just snorted a very small amount of meth. First time I tried it and it is kicking in. Feels good, maybe I'll IV some later. Not sure about that as I have only IV'd drugs a few times and they were psychedelics (DPT is awesome that way but wears off too fast) and I can't find veins and neither can nurses. May see what smoking in my glass pipe does.
Damn, Feeling it better already. Think I need about that much more. Not looking to get too high on it right now. It sure doesn't take much to do good shit. I felt depressed as hell this morning and wrote a message on YouTube on a song about how I wish I would have died the first time I tried to end it but if I could do a little of this every day, I'd never feel depressed.
Meth is good.
Update: 2h 50min later
Shot up some meth 10 minutes or so ago. Could not find a vein in my arm which was no surprise, so I used the one on the top of my hand. God damn, it feels great!'
Meth is a really nice substance, and it looks like mine is good quality because it looks like salt with some larger crystals, pure white and the big pieces are translucent.
I have no idea how my brother found my vein in my arm so easy and fast when he got me to let him inject some 3-meo-pcp into my vein. I did not want to do it because I had a rule that I would not inject anything but a few particular psychedelics and pure opiates (if I ever got any) into veins, and I'd never share needles. It was my needle and syringe but he dosed himself first. I ended up getting a mixture of the drug and his blood. He promised he had no diseases but he apparently is a frequent IV user, may share needles, and has sex with as many women as possible and he once said he did not like condoms. Maybe I need to get a disease screening. I have felt tired all the time for quite some time.
Not now though, because I have methamphetamine. It was on the list of things I'd never try but I got the chance to get some during this period of extremely low energy and I have been so depressed that I had my suicide plan and date set out so there is no reason to care if it harms me. I intentionally harm myself anyway. One of the things was a really fucked up and disgusting way to try to induce septicemia so I could refuse to go to the hospital until it had progressed to a very severe state and my chance of survival would be below 20% but it didn't make me sick or even seem to cause a local infection. I'll use my sister's shotgun if I decide to die if I can find the ammo.
I would have to find a way to get Lucky (my raccoon) to someone else in a state where they are legal as pets. In my Hell hole, you can only have them if you are a fur farm that makes their mercifully short life hellish or those assholes that release animals from cages into an enclosure so psychopathic freaks can kill something that can't get away. But mine would probably be killed or taken away to live in a cage away from those who care about him, even though he is probably happy (I thought he was depressed because he stopped playing rough with me very much, mostly laying on or beside me and rubbing my face/opening my mouth with his hands but he acts the same as usual to everyone else. Sometimes I wish I had not got him. Worrying about what will happen to him when I end this useless life makes it harder to put it to a final end. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as he used to or maybe I have a disease that he can smell and he knows I am going to die soon or is afraid it is contagious.
My mom got me a dog and I wish she hadn't. If I am going to blow my head off, I do not need another pet to worry about and find a home for, and when I was trying to find someone to give my macaw to, I did not have the strength to call the person who I thought would be a great choice. I need someone else to do this for me but my mom doesn't want to do these things for me and I can't tell anyone about Lucky so I don't know how to get out of this without Lucky possibly being killed.
I feel good now because of drugs but the feelings will go away and my useless depressive thoughts will control me again. It will never end until I am dead. My mom would be better off if I was dead once her sadness passed because I am now just a functionless, worthless parasite who sucks up resources and money from her like a leech gorging itself on blood. I managed to make enough money to pay her rent and buy some drugs on eBay when I was really high and kept that going until I got tired and quit listing things but now I am really low on hydrocodone and getting low on alprazolam. At least I have a box of clonazepam and a bottle of Lyrica. I'm getting weed soon and I'm also going to get either 60 or 80mg of liquid morphine for oral use, about as thick as my e-cig fluid, which is why I think I am going to smoke it as I think that increases bio-availability from 20-25% to over 90%.
I don't know why the fuck I typed all that useless bullshit that is completely irrelevant and not interesting or important - sorry for wasting your time. Now I am going to smoke some meth then the next time I think I will snort. I may try an IM injection instead of snorting it. Most of the shit I typed is worthless and should not be here but I spent so much time typing it that I can't delete it now.
It feels better IV'd than snorted but I don't intend to IV it again. Now I will smoke, typing stopped.
