High on poppies and a long list of potentiators and weak synergizing drugs, 250mg Primidone(converts mostly to phenobarbital), 200mg quitiapine/seroquel, and the prescribed 200mg/night trazadone is kicking in.
Very relaxed, laid back, and mellow. So very peaceful
For some reason I like seroquel and risperidone even though they are antipsychotics. They help my depression a lot. I was kept on risperidone while in the mental hospital for depression then they took me off of it when I left. Now I have ordered a bunch of it and use it when needed, not every day because of the risk of tardive dyskinesia. It improves my depressive symptoms in 15-30 minutes after taking it. I use seroquel instead if I want something sedating and with a stronger anti-anxiety effect or it is evening, Sometimes I use it just for its recreational effects.
They also took me off my mood stabilizer and my mood swings, mostly anger and uncontrollable crying, either one lasting sometimes half the day. Sometimes I became suicidal during these mood swings. Once I went to the cellar with 20 or so primidone pills and a bottle of vodka mixed with juice and downed them all. I made myself vomit 10-15 minutes or so later and repeated it several times after drinking water. I soon went to sleep and stayed asleep from mid morning that day until mid evening the next day. Rarely(maybe 3-6 times per year) I get to feeling so good and extremely energized that I start acting like a fool running and jumping around and carrying on about how good everything is, almost like a short manic episode, usually little sleep and it gets frustrating because I don't have enough to release the energy. These last usually 1-3 days, so they are brief and rare. I decided to put myself on Lamotrigine as a mood stabilizer and am in the process of working my dosage up as it needs to be done gradually. I chose this one because it does not have the risk of liver damage and unlike other mood stabilizers, it also has an antidepressant effect.
I would just go with what the doctors say, but it was them screwing with my meds that landed me in that hellish mental institution. And they didn't give me the right diagnosis. They said it was a substance induced mood disorder and personality disorder NOS(not otherwise specified). I damn well don't know how they can conclude that it was drug induced just because I happen to use drugs, I told the doctor that I started feeling depressed when I was 11 years old and that it stayed severe with multiple suicide attempts and well thought out plans, all before I ever used any drugs With that knowledge, the doctors should have diagnosed me with major depression since it started 9 years before I ever used drugs.
I've read a lot about depression and other mental illnesses And I can learn what works best for me. The doctors sure don't seem to know.