KurtAurelius
Bluelighter
I’ve been back and forth with many methods to understand the human experience.
Nihilism and drug abuse, then pseudo red-pill by pushing myself to my limits and trying to live “perfectly” and striving for only “growth” and gain to satisfy my insistent questions.
Now on meds, living a chill life, doing some things “good”, some things “bad” and being overall lax, chasing my creative projects to a degree, but not allowing them to totally consume me as before it meant myself and the world are totally inadequate.
My philosophic musings at late have been that the current divide you can perceive- the norm of crappy job, tech, and coasting versus Hustle Culture, and 24/7 self improvement, “reject modernity pill”
I wasn’t happy at either extreme, and I loathe “balance” but really now there is a semblance of it.
I do think it’s appropriate though on a daily basis to take personal inventory..
Am I doing as much as I can? For myself, then those around me?
Am I living to my potential?
The change now has been the peace.
I’ve afforded, that yes morality is important but by hustling 24/7 and cutting myself of completely socially to just gain seems like its own slavery and mirage, the kind I perceive some of these “influencers” to project as the only way.
Never to share a meal with friends/ loved ones because I don’t know what ingredients are in and if I get a perfect macro/micro ratio, never play a video game or watch a film because it’s not real, to never travel because it’s a silly escape blah blah blah..
The bottom message still stands of what I learnt from my extreme attempt at ascetic recluse.
We should not just fall into into every emotional whim and never push oneself ,never question nor try to do more.. but there comes a point I kept asking
Who is it for truly? Me or a agenda?
What is it for?
What is there to prove?
Beyond the very obvious and (IMO) easy modalities of morality- fulfil your basic needs (not just superficial wants) and give back what you can to the community.
I’m not special for coming to the conclusion I don’t want much, and I have a very good life now, and even so I’m afforded still much luxury then I need.
And I don’t get suffocated by the perception of seeming like a failure because I don’t..
1. Try do every little thing perfectly.
2. Make it my personal issue to “fix” the world.
I could eat “perfectly” again, never use technology, never use any substances, and only spend every second “pushing” but I largely just don’t see why anymore.
Not in a nihilistic way, but just because it seems like another mirage.
It’s easy to analyse into paralysis.
I do muse I can’t do just this one job I forever, a stagnant role plus the questions of applying myself fully.
but again, I work with people same or anew, on a different day, and it provides all I need and opportunities are always when inevitably life changes.
Maybe I should get better education, try to be involved in greater change etc..
Could be too lax by not working myself up on dwelling it, and years can go by, but I’ve worked myself up many times to then panic and decide it’s worthless if I can’t do it.
I don’t understand nothing, but I feel into peace, be objective to see what I need, and silly as it sounds only worry about trying my best.
It’s all I come back to rather than continuing to twirl on questions without an answer, one a brain can end up deciding there’s to many choices or that there is to much uncertainty.
Nihilism and drug abuse, then pseudo red-pill by pushing myself to my limits and trying to live “perfectly” and striving for only “growth” and gain to satisfy my insistent questions.
Now on meds, living a chill life, doing some things “good”, some things “bad” and being overall lax, chasing my creative projects to a degree, but not allowing them to totally consume me as before it meant myself and the world are totally inadequate.
My philosophic musings at late have been that the current divide you can perceive- the norm of crappy job, tech, and coasting versus Hustle Culture, and 24/7 self improvement, “reject modernity pill”
I wasn’t happy at either extreme, and I loathe “balance” but really now there is a semblance of it.
I do think it’s appropriate though on a daily basis to take personal inventory..
Am I doing as much as I can? For myself, then those around me?
Am I living to my potential?
The change now has been the peace.
I’ve afforded, that yes morality is important but by hustling 24/7 and cutting myself of completely socially to just gain seems like its own slavery and mirage, the kind I perceive some of these “influencers” to project as the only way.
Never to share a meal with friends/ loved ones because I don’t know what ingredients are in and if I get a perfect macro/micro ratio, never play a video game or watch a film because it’s not real, to never travel because it’s a silly escape blah blah blah..
The bottom message still stands of what I learnt from my extreme attempt at ascetic recluse.
We should not just fall into into every emotional whim and never push oneself ,never question nor try to do more.. but there comes a point I kept asking
Who is it for truly? Me or a agenda?
What is it for?
What is there to prove?
Beyond the very obvious and (IMO) easy modalities of morality- fulfil your basic needs (not just superficial wants) and give back what you can to the community.
I’m not special for coming to the conclusion I don’t want much, and I have a very good life now, and even so I’m afforded still much luxury then I need.
And I don’t get suffocated by the perception of seeming like a failure because I don’t..
1. Try do every little thing perfectly.
2. Make it my personal issue to “fix” the world.
I could eat “perfectly” again, never use technology, never use any substances, and only spend every second “pushing” but I largely just don’t see why anymore.
Not in a nihilistic way, but just because it seems like another mirage.
It’s easy to analyse into paralysis.
I do muse I can’t do just this one job I forever, a stagnant role plus the questions of applying myself fully.
but again, I work with people same or anew, on a different day, and it provides all I need and opportunities are always when inevitably life changes.
Maybe I should get better education, try to be involved in greater change etc..
Could be too lax by not working myself up on dwelling it, and years can go by, but I’ve worked myself up many times to then panic and decide it’s worthless if I can’t do it.
I don’t understand nothing, but I feel into peace, be objective to see what I need, and silly as it sounds only worry about trying my best.
It’s all I come back to rather than continuing to twirl on questions without an answer, one a brain can end up deciding there’s to many choices or that there is to much uncertainty.
Last edited:
