I would love to hear any ex heroin addict's story on how, months after, further down the road, they got their shit together. Not the getting clean and detoxing, but how a while after, you put your new life together. I am having a hard time finding anything to enjoy, or anything to want in general. I used to have dreams, hopes for certain career paths, close friends, acquaintances, friends just to kick it with, hobbies, things that I just plain loved to do any time any day. I have nothing of this sort. I am just good at waiting to get better, and not doing heroin.
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H&R Moderators: streaM Freak
How does an ex heroin addict make a new 'beginning'
- Thread starter aerne210
- Start date
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Look into getting a grant for going back to school, and look into getting work. 
Project Will
Bluelighter
When I was in rehab I heard a lot about how everything gets better if you stay clean. I was skeptical and thought it was a bunch of brainwashing AA bullshit. I figured as soon as I got out of rehab I would slowly get back into using because, shit, I've been using drugs daily for the past 15 years and couldn't imagine life (outside of rehab) sober.
When I was using I managed to keep a good white-collar job (barely) and hold onto my wife (barely). Everything was horrible - using 20+mg of xanax (or equivalent dose in other benzos) per day and doing a 0.5-1g of H per day. Committing felonies on an hourly basis, hiding the extent of my use from friends, family, my wife... Everyone. It was a giant balancing act that got worse and worse as the years went by. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't think anyone was particularly happy. I thought people just coped with things in different ways - my way was heroin.
Eventually after trying to quit many many times on my own without success I told my wife and friends what was going on. My wife and friends convinced me to go into detox and then rehab due to the danger of self-detox off such a large amount of benzos.
When I look back I realize what I most got out of rehab was the willingness to be vulnerable and ask for help as well as a place to just be sober for a couple months. Having always been a self-reliant person full of pride, being this weak and vulnerable was quite difficult for me. I've always been a closed book and did everything on my own, and in doing so I became an unhappy junkie bastard.
Upon leaving rehab I did the shit I was supposed to do such as going to meetings, attending IOP (outpatient program), getting a sponsor and all that. Life still kind of sucked - I had made a huge mess of everything while using and now I was expected to clean it up without the only coping mechanism I'd ever used, drugs. As I did the "next right thing" each day, life started working out. This happened slowly and there isn't a specific date I can point to and say "that is when shit became good." Over the course of a few months I began to do well at work, treated my wife as she deserves to be treated, paid bills, made new friends, reconnected with old friends and transformed into an actual human being instead of a drug addict full of fear and intense self-loathing.
My last dose of suboxone was in rehab on February 2nd, 2015 - almost 9 months ago now. It is only looking at myself now and comparing it to where I was just one year ago that I see how much better has truly gotten. It was a slow climb but has been worth every step.
When I was using I managed to keep a good white-collar job (barely) and hold onto my wife (barely). Everything was horrible - using 20+mg of xanax (or equivalent dose in other benzos) per day and doing a 0.5-1g of H per day. Committing felonies on an hourly basis, hiding the extent of my use from friends, family, my wife... Everyone. It was a giant balancing act that got worse and worse as the years went by. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't think anyone was particularly happy. I thought people just coped with things in different ways - my way was heroin.
Eventually after trying to quit many many times on my own without success I told my wife and friends what was going on. My wife and friends convinced me to go into detox and then rehab due to the danger of self-detox off such a large amount of benzos.
When I look back I realize what I most got out of rehab was the willingness to be vulnerable and ask for help as well as a place to just be sober for a couple months. Having always been a self-reliant person full of pride, being this weak and vulnerable was quite difficult for me. I've always been a closed book and did everything on my own, and in doing so I became an unhappy junkie bastard.
Upon leaving rehab I did the shit I was supposed to do such as going to meetings, attending IOP (outpatient program), getting a sponsor and all that. Life still kind of sucked - I had made a huge mess of everything while using and now I was expected to clean it up without the only coping mechanism I'd ever used, drugs. As I did the "next right thing" each day, life started working out. This happened slowly and there isn't a specific date I can point to and say "that is when shit became good." Over the course of a few months I began to do well at work, treated my wife as she deserves to be treated, paid bills, made new friends, reconnected with old friends and transformed into an actual human being instead of a drug addict full of fear and intense self-loathing.
My last dose of suboxone was in rehab on February 2nd, 2015 - almost 9 months ago now. It is only looking at myself now and comparing it to where I was just one year ago that I see how much better has truly gotten. It was a slow climb but has been worth every step.
cj
Bluelight Crew
I am kind of in the same boat OP. I have been off heroin and on methadone since May. I can relate to everything you mentioned in your post. I don't have any answers but your not alone.
i was in active addiction for about 12 years...IV for 10. i am now 1 year and 3 weeks cleans. i think a big mistake a lot of people make is that they are just going to magically be better in a week, months or even a years time. most of us spent YEARS fucking our lives up and the majority of us will take YEARS to get to a place where we feel comfortable. a good amount of people will never feel like they reached their full potential...but thats life.
like i said i am a year into sobriety and i am no where close to "having my shit together"....yes i have made a big improvement but i am still not in a position where i feel i "have my shit together". i think the key is to strive to be a better person and let go of all the material and bullshit you or anyone else has put into your head that makes your life "complete". im still working on this. in the end the fact that you get and stay sober is an accomplishment the majority of the people who took our same path will not get. try to be grateful for what you have and the fact that you are sober.
youre brain is most likely playing catch-up with everything atm. i have had doctors tell me my brain wont be producing the adequate amount of dopamine and seratonin for another 6 months to a year. a lot of what you are experiencing (finding enjoyment in anything) is just a product of what you have done to your brain with drugs and i think understanding that is key to your growth. it took me a good 6 months to get out of that "funk"
try to pick up your old hobbies (i got back into graffiti) and try out some new ones...something youre good at. i also think this is key.
find someone to talk to who is farmiliar with the situation (AA and NA are great places for this) you dont have to buy into the program but its a great place to meet like minded people.
i am not one to suggest jumping into a career or school while new at sobriety. I am of the opinion that such things become too overwhelming and will ultimately lead to relapse. i am of the opinion that one shouldnt take that chance until comfortable in sobriety and one has a strong foundation and support system (im at one year and i still dont think i could handle school).
i say all this from my perspective and understand not everyone is me and everyone is different so please dont take it as i am trying to tell you what to do etc.
i pray that you will find everything in life that you are looking for a please feel free to send me a PM if you ever need anyone to talk to or help.
i dont know you, but i fuck with you.
this is good shit right here. A+ would read again
manboychef
Bluelighter
+1 for project will's post. I look back at my journal entries from when I was using. Lots of talk of suicide if I couldn't beat the opiates...lots of self deprecation, and an insane amount of self loathing...which led to me using more. The journal entries I write now are full of hope. I write about what I want, not about what I lost.
I also agree with the whole rome wasn't destroyed in a day and will take a lot longer to rebuild theory. Just stick to your guns and eventually you won't need to fire them as much. I have been very fortunate that my mental health is being treated by GP that cares about me, and is willing to work with me on medications to treat my Panic Disorder, OCD, and major depressive disorder...however, I have had to take his advice and actually seek therapy in order for it to work.
Maybe check out a therapist that you can talk to. It has done loads of good for me.
I also agree with the whole rome wasn't destroyed in a day and will take a lot longer to rebuild theory. Just stick to your guns and eventually you won't need to fire them as much. I have been very fortunate that my mental health is being treated by GP that cares about me, and is willing to work with me on medications to treat my Panic Disorder, OCD, and major depressive disorder...however, I have had to take his advice and actually seek therapy in order for it to work.
Maybe check out a therapist that you can talk to. It has done loads of good for me.
cj
Bluelight Crew
Damn there are some really great posts in this thread.
SmokingAces
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2014
- Messages
- 2,300
That is a great story of recovery man. I can entirely relate to the OP too but this is where I'm heading. Rebuild bridges, focus on fitness health and staying on top. It's boring at times because I'm so used to being out getting wrecked or being on drugs somehow but ultimately feel better for it and the opportunity to open the door to a new chapter of life.
Holy crap... Project will, you have no idea how helpful this was. Of course I get plenty of great advice from this website but you really got it here for me. Especially with a 15 year addiction, reading this and knowing that you can tell things are much better than they were really gives me a lot of hope.
Oh my god, this is what I wanted to hear Memphis. Especially about the jumping into school or work. I have been at home with the parents since I quit iv heroin for for and a half years, afTer sitting around trying to get better and just, pretty much not doing dope for eight months wet thought it would be good to try school again. So I started as a matriculation student with a full schedule but earlier class for me. After only two months I couldn't do it, I started by going to class pretty frequently, doing my home work and what not, but the stay home days kinda built up. And after a while going back to class would be silly with all the time and work I missed. So now, as I have been, I'm just tapering down very slowly of kratom and doing things I kind of enjoy or don't mind to stay busy, lots of yard work, cleaning, art and painting, small projects because with out them I'd be laying in bed all day. It felt really good toread that from you, cause after dropping out of my classes on my first sober semester I really Felt horrible/hopeless. Like maybe I should be able to handle it and I'm stupid or lazy for quitting. But now its kind of like, well at least I gave it a shot ya know and it's not a big deal, a lot of people probably couldn't handle it after my kind of addiction. This was very very uplifting.
As always
great advice zack, honest to god I literally took your advice and called around but with my insurance I ended up at Crouse's recovering addict treatment. They have a lot of detox and inpatient stuff so it was a Little more difficult to find just a one on one therapy for more like PAWS and being clean for some time now. I am gonna go in and talk to them this week. Feeling a lot better already just with the idea that they may be able to help me.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Try try and try again. No one thing worked. At first I messed up more often than I succeeded, although now I succeed much more than I mess up. Focusing on my passions was my guiding light. And making it my mission in life to became authentic unto myself, given my particular skills, tastes, experiences and goals. Coming to terms with the reality that I love altered states of consciousness and am deeply interested in drugs/drug use/misuse was also very, very important.
Out of everything though, finding a community IRL that I could really get into and be myself, where I would continue moving forward and explore and discover that authenticity I mentioned, in safe yet challenging new ways, and bond with like-minded people, individuals who accepted me and were accepted by me, and with people I could honestly look up to and admire, that took a lot longer than anything else in my little journey. Too bad I didn't take to the fellowship. Things would have been a lot simpler.
Honestly wanting to become a better people, that urge was the single most important motivating force to me. The desire to live a better life. Doesn't make it super easy, but it was the only way to go about doing things for me where I could feel genuine - eventually even good - about what I was doing with myself.
This is an interesting thread! Good idea OP
Out of everything though, finding a community IRL that I could really get into and be myself, where I would continue moving forward and explore and discover that authenticity I mentioned, in safe yet challenging new ways, and bond with like-minded people, individuals who accepted me and were accepted by me, and with people I could honestly look up to and admire, that took a lot longer than anything else in my little journey. Too bad I didn't take to the fellowship. Things would have been a lot simpler.
Honestly wanting to become a better people, that urge was the single most important motivating force to me. The desire to live a better life. Doesn't make it super easy, but it was the only way to go about doing things for me where I could feel genuine - eventually even good - about what I was doing with myself.
This is an interesting thread! Good idea OP
tripnotyzm
Bluelighter
Im recovering myself, and finding it pretty difficult to choose a suitable path for the future.
Today i got offered a job interview. I think im turning it down, as its not what i truly want to do.
I have this opportunity now to start fresh and squeeze myself into a pathway that really makes me happy. most people are scared to take the plunge and quit work for their own happiness... i quit my old unsatisfying job because i was too doped up to function there anymore... But maybe in the near future things will take a positive turn and i will find something that i enjoy.
Today i got offered a job interview. I think im turning it down, as its not what i truly want to do.
I have this opportunity now to start fresh and squeeze myself into a pathway that really makes me happy. most people are scared to take the plunge and quit work for their own happiness... i quit my old unsatisfying job because i was too doped up to function there anymore... But maybe in the near future things will take a positive turn and i will find something that i enjoy.
manboychef
Bluelighter
This is the place I went to rehab first. There are lots of good programs, especially outpatient there. It is on james street so it isn't to far from you. Also, it is getting to be that time of year that Ice skating is going to open up there a short walk from SBH. I used to go to SBH to heal my mind, and then I would go ice skating for a little sweat on the brow.
syracuse behavioral healthcare
syracuse behavioral healthcare
nygiants1313
Bluelighter
Hey bud. Keep up the positive mindset. You have your entire life to work a miserable job for the rest of your life lol so why not take the time and push to find the thing that makes you happy? Right?!! Worse case scenario in a few years you take the job your not really interested in if you have too. You will find your way eventually. At least you can say "i went for it, i took a shot."
Not many people can say that.
I wish you best.
tripnotyzm
Bluelighter
Thanks man
Im glad i turned down that job offering, because a way better job got offered to me today.. working for an old friend, great social environment right near Sydney Harbour, good enough money.. I'll feel a little healthier working for a small business like this, as opposed to working in a big factory, packing boxes for giant corporations...
Ugh, money sucks. It's so fucked up how much our lives revolve around the coin..
Im glad i turned down that job offering, because a way better job got offered to me today.. working for an old friend, great social environment right near Sydney Harbour, good enough money.. I'll feel a little healthier working for a small business like this, as opposed to working in a big factory, packing boxes for giant corporations...
Ugh, money sucks. It's so fucked up how much our lives revolve around the coin..
Hang in there. I get what you're going through. It's so important not to give up, and try and stay positive.
I'm an ex heroin, crack and benzo addict who only got back on track this week. Something in my brain just clicked, and I decided I wanted to start living again, and help others who are in a bad way. I'm becoming a recovery worker, helping ex cons and drug users settle back into society.
Also, doing a bit of self-discovery is helpful, finding out the route cause of your addiction. (For me, I had flunked out of uni due to PTSD, eating disorder and tapering from my benzo addiction, and just felt completely worthless with no self confidence. I've managed to overcome it, and realised I'm not the horrible, shit person I thought I was. I realise now, I just need to get back on track, instead of accepting the reality of being a junkie.)
It's not easy, especially when you don't have much of a healthy support network. (I have one person I talk to- my ex who got be into hard drugs. I have no friends what so ever, no close family.) But, once you adopt a positive mindset, I've found nice people and jobs start appearing/ coming to you as a positive, happy person is fun to be around.
Find something that inspires you (music, animals, helping others, even drugs- you could become a drug counsellor) and go for it.
I'm an ex heroin, crack and benzo addict who only got back on track this week. Something in my brain just clicked, and I decided I wanted to start living again, and help others who are in a bad way. I'm becoming a recovery worker, helping ex cons and drug users settle back into society.
Also, doing a bit of self-discovery is helpful, finding out the route cause of your addiction. (For me, I had flunked out of uni due to PTSD, eating disorder and tapering from my benzo addiction, and just felt completely worthless with no self confidence. I've managed to overcome it, and realised I'm not the horrible, shit person I thought I was. I realise now, I just need to get back on track, instead of accepting the reality of being a junkie.)
It's not easy, especially when you don't have much of a healthy support network. (I have one person I talk to- my ex who got be into hard drugs. I have no friends what so ever, no close family.) But, once you adopt a positive mindset, I've found nice people and jobs start appearing/ coming to you as a positive, happy person is fun to be around.
Find something that inspires you (music, animals, helping others, even drugs- you could become a drug counsellor) and go for it.
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