I am having such an internal struggle right now. I've been on mmt for 5 weeks. I have to be clean for my children and am subject to two urines a month and hair follicle testing every 6 months. The problem is saying goodbye to the person i love. He doesn't have to be clean, at this time anyhow, who knows after court in January. Then again who knows if he will even be around. He is a habitual offender with distribution charges, but has a good lawyer. Anyhow, he has proven that he is unable to change his ways and makes things harder for me. I love him but cant relapse and being around him makes it harder on me. He tries to lie for my own good but cant lie to me. I am a drug addict! We are the best liers but see right through everyone else! So how do I say goodbye? It breaks my heart but i know i have to. I only have my kids 50% of the time and spend the other 50 with him. He is pretty much all i have. I can't keep putting myself in situations that cause relapse but am having a hard time saying bye. I know at this point he will not follow through and stay clean with me. We have been going in circles for weeks now and it doesn't last for him. I understand that he needs to pay his lawyer but there are other ways to make money and he is an addict so he doesn't stay away from the product. How do I move on? I feel like I already lost my little best friend (heroine) and now i have to lose him too? We all know that you cant make someone be clean. At the end of the day we are all alone in our addiction. Another thing.... why do i still suffer with cravings at night? I also sweat like a pig when sleeping. I am on 90 mgs of methadone. Will the cravings ever go away? I am a thin woman with no fat and have been blessed with a fast metabolism but is it in my head or am i just not holding? I do sweat and have the yawns and sneezes by morning. So it cant just be in my head right?
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How do you say goodbye when u dont want to but have to?
- Thread starter My3sons
- Start date
szuko000
Bluelight Crew
This is the most difficult part of recovery, having to systematically eliminate all that stands in your way from being clean. There is no easy way to do it or make the feelings go away because although there were drugs involved it doesnt stop real feelings and memories from being produced. It is often hard to pretend like the person you did love died and that there is no getting them back especially when you look at them and see the way things were, so much so it blinds you to the way they actually are.
You must make a decision and the other fact is though there are benefits from either scenario we are talking about your life, not a math problem, there is no one solution there is no right solution. If you feel that being with him will jeopardize your future then you need to ask yourself, "is the bright future clean without drugs brighter then the one with him possibly on drugs?" and dont fool yourself either it will be an on going struggle and there is no way to know if it will pan out the way you hope.
I would never suggest this but i got clean when my partner didnt. For about 1.5 years i was clean then for about 8 months free of suboxone but she was still depressed unemployed and very addicted. I struggled with her because i knew she wanted what was best for both of us and was stuck. She didnt want a future involving drugs but that was what we had become. I took the slings and arrows of everyone in my life telling me she was using me and it wouldnt get better for 2 years i lived the life of a broke junkie while clean, for her.
She is now on her 5th day coming off methadone after gettnig down to 3mg. I can finally say "i told you so" to everyone who said she was using me. Did i know at the time it would work out that way, no. All i really knew was i wasnt abandoning the person i love for something we found together to leave her to die. I would slowly wither away into nothing having foolishly given all of myself to someone else who couldnt get clean. I had to accept the fact that our life together meant me supporting her possibly forever and giving up my chance to self actualize and become who i was meant to, for her. I would never suggest anyone do that because if it didnt work i would still be spending all my money on dope that wasnt mine, it was only after i relapsed that she realized what her heroin use was doing (or something) and got on methadone wtih me. If i didnt relapse we would still be doing the same thing... that was 11 months ago. The only reason this worked for me was because i knew somewhere i was right and everyone, literally everyone was wrong about our relationship. I also can not express what it was like to be in the middle of it all and know your risking your entire future for someone else and i can tell you that will never work out almost all the time.
I can tell you that if you stabilize on methadone the cravings will stop and the withdrawals will too. If you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms that make it hard you should up your dose. You need to be really really strong and trust yourself. You can have a life free of the endless cycle but you have to break it and that is the hardest part. Once you get a new schedule where the set up is a clean productive life you will move further away from this point but you must have the strength to take the first steps.
You must make a decision and the other fact is though there are benefits from either scenario we are talking about your life, not a math problem, there is no one solution there is no right solution. If you feel that being with him will jeopardize your future then you need to ask yourself, "is the bright future clean without drugs brighter then the one with him possibly on drugs?" and dont fool yourself either it will be an on going struggle and there is no way to know if it will pan out the way you hope.
I would never suggest this but i got clean when my partner didnt. For about 1.5 years i was clean then for about 8 months free of suboxone but she was still depressed unemployed and very addicted. I struggled with her because i knew she wanted what was best for both of us and was stuck. She didnt want a future involving drugs but that was what we had become. I took the slings and arrows of everyone in my life telling me she was using me and it wouldnt get better for 2 years i lived the life of a broke junkie while clean, for her.
She is now on her 5th day coming off methadone after gettnig down to 3mg. I can finally say "i told you so" to everyone who said she was using me. Did i know at the time it would work out that way, no. All i really knew was i wasnt abandoning the person i love for something we found together to leave her to die. I would slowly wither away into nothing having foolishly given all of myself to someone else who couldnt get clean. I had to accept the fact that our life together meant me supporting her possibly forever and giving up my chance to self actualize and become who i was meant to, for her. I would never suggest anyone do that because if it didnt work i would still be spending all my money on dope that wasnt mine, it was only after i relapsed that she realized what her heroin use was doing (or something) and got on methadone wtih me. If i didnt relapse we would still be doing the same thing... that was 11 months ago. The only reason this worked for me was because i knew somewhere i was right and everyone, literally everyone was wrong about our relationship. I also can not express what it was like to be in the middle of it all and know your risking your entire future for someone else and i can tell you that will never work out almost all the time.
I can tell you that if you stabilize on methadone the cravings will stop and the withdrawals will too. If you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms that make it hard you should up your dose. You need to be really really strong and trust yourself. You can have a life free of the endless cycle but you have to break it and that is the hardest part. Once you get a new schedule where the set up is a clean productive life you will move further away from this point but you must have the strength to take the first steps.
Thanks for the response. My brain knows what i have to do but my heart doesnt want to accept it. I am not the type of person that blames others for my mistakes and own all of my bullshit. So if I do stay with him it will be my fault if I relapse. Relapsing is not an option. I cannot and will not lose my children. He doesn't have kids hanging over his head so there isn't that incentive for him. However, he does stand to lose his freedom and could be going to jail soon. So it is in his best interest to clean up before his court date. He should be enrolling himself in IOP or something. It would make him look much better in court but again i cant make him do what i want him to do. There is no easy painfree answer here. When i do see him i constantly feel like he is lying to me and holdind out. I know he needs to hold out on me. He knows i will lose my kids and it would be devastating and doesn't want that for me. But I associate him with dope. I know its wrong and its not all that i see but lets face it we used together for two years. My brain gets all crazy and i crave more and get nasty when i am with him now. I know thats not fair but i get jealous that he is high and all relaxed when i am not. Its not all i see him as but it makes staying away from H harder on me. I just want him to be clean and move forward together. he doesn't want to lose me either which is why he lies. He needs to make a decision once and for all. He needs to love me enough to get clean and move forward together or love me enough to walk away. But no more lies. So you think I need to go up alittle l? I dose before work around 7:30 and am fine all day until about 7 at night then i start to get crabby and antsy. I wake up with my hair drenched in the middle of the night and am yawning in the morning. My muscles are tight too and i will sometimes get the sneezing fits. My clinic is a one size fits all type of place so split dosing is not an option. I honestly think thats the answer. I weigh 115 @ am 5"4.5 so I think I am metabolising quickly. I wish i could take 60 in the am and the other 30 around 4. Not an option though.
My3sons, I've read your posts and I beg your pardon if this seems harsh, but this guy is tangled up in your addiction. And he doesn't care about you at all-he's an addict, his DOC is his choice. You need to take care of YOU. He doesn't need you, you do. Your kids need you.
If you walked out of his life tomorrow, he'd be fine. You, however, would not. You'd go back to using. Think about your last post and how much it sounds like dope is the other woman. Staying with this guy damages you.
ETA: it isn't your heart that's telling you this, it's your addiction. How long has it been since you've listened to your heart sober?
If you walked out of his life tomorrow, he'd be fine. You, however, would not. You'd go back to using. Think about your last post and how much it sounds like dope is the other woman. Staying with this guy damages you.
ETA: it isn't your heart that's telling you this, it's your addiction. How long has it been since you've listened to your heart sober?