dopamimetic
Bluelighter
How to stay motivated with a fucked up life, when you lost all you had and whatever you'd do, the next 10 years you'll just work for to get parts back of what you've lost and gave away out of weakness, fear, stupidity? How to get rid of these senseless hurting memories and thoughts? Of feeling alone and of having lost.
It's all and always little mistakes, that other people or institutions take to justify other, bigger mistakes and claims. This makes me feel angry and hopeless, to accept and swallow, which becomes the next mistake. They sum up over time and grow into gross proportions.
I'm on probation with around 10+ criminal records, most either drug related or shit I made while sober as fuck so no visa for other country either, have no job and no papers to get one but so or so they'd take away whatever I'd earn, lost my savings and inheritance - only a minority to drugs, a social worker screwed up health insurance, acted against my will and his promise - fucked credit score so no apartment the next 15 years, hate shared as always trouble (last time found drugs and forced me to flush all or he'd call the cops) - unlimited driving ban (usual practice here, not that I did sth crazily bad) - gf (ex druggie turned conservative) left me cause of having problems with police, almost all my belongings went with her.. she inherited like 900k, not that she was poor.. drug dependence and even more problems with sobriety (would go and suicide myself I guess or be locked up in psych ward but of course I don't tell that).. Yeah, no real friends either these days, some few ones are scattered over the continent but nobody here and now.
All began with my mother being schizo, father absent, no kindergarten, no siblings, no contact to normal people - authorities do their part by makin-g police to put me into children's psychiatry (not like today, was more like a boarding school, no therapy at all but a bunch horribly violent and crazy kids) for 3 years straight until I believed this was normality - then back into regular school where thanks to a neighbour kid all knew about me and mam.. First I had great marks but teacher decided against high school. Then too depressed for an apprenticeship, nobody cared.. I know people go though much worse and some keep their mental health but well that's then not me. Or, dunno, wish I had become some emotionless psychopath
Sorry for rambling
It's just, first I had the anxiety, tension, shyness etc.. Then I managed that somehow but other problems came. They grew and grew and today really without drugs I'd do shit and they want to take them away and people all say it's for my best......
Countless attempts about therapy, meds, integration etc.. Sometimes I think with a little study I could work myself in these jobs. At least I knlin advance what theyll tell me and that it won't work.
It's all and always little mistakes, that other people or institutions take to justify other, bigger mistakes and claims. This makes me feel angry and hopeless, to accept and swallow, which becomes the next mistake. They sum up over time and grow into gross proportions.
I'm on probation with around 10+ criminal records, most either drug related or shit I made while sober as fuck so no visa for other country either, have no job and no papers to get one but so or so they'd take away whatever I'd earn, lost my savings and inheritance - only a minority to drugs, a social worker screwed up health insurance, acted against my will and his promise - fucked credit score so no apartment the next 15 years, hate shared as always trouble (last time found drugs and forced me to flush all or he'd call the cops) - unlimited driving ban (usual practice here, not that I did sth crazily bad) - gf (ex druggie turned conservative) left me cause of having problems with police, almost all my belongings went with her.. she inherited like 900k, not that she was poor.. drug dependence and even more problems with sobriety (would go and suicide myself I guess or be locked up in psych ward but of course I don't tell that).. Yeah, no real friends either these days, some few ones are scattered over the continent but nobody here and now.
All began with my mother being schizo, father absent, no kindergarten, no siblings, no contact to normal people - authorities do their part by makin-g police to put me into children's psychiatry (not like today, was more like a boarding school, no therapy at all but a bunch horribly violent and crazy kids) for 3 years straight until I believed this was normality - then back into regular school where thanks to a neighbour kid all knew about me and mam.. First I had great marks but teacher decided against high school. Then too depressed for an apprenticeship, nobody cared.. I know people go though much worse and some keep their mental health but well that's then not me. Or, dunno, wish I had become some emotionless psychopath
Sorry for rambling
It's just, first I had the anxiety, tension, shyness etc.. Then I managed that somehow but other problems came. They grew and grew and today really without drugs I'd do shit and they want to take them away and people all say it's for my best......
Countless attempts about therapy, meds, integration etc.. Sometimes I think with a little study I could work myself in these jobs. At least I knlin advance what theyll tell me and that it won't work.
GL
