How do you handle grief?

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I am asking since a friend of mine recently died of cancer a week ago. I knew she had terminal colon cancer but she shut herself off from most of her old friends for the last few years from her diagnosis and when the cancer metastasized she did not even have contact with one of her very good friends.

My other friend's father who had stomach cancer did the same thing and he would not even allow my parents who are friends with him and have known him for 30 years to visit. His reason was that he did not want people to remember him in this lifetime (he and his family are Hindu) as being like that towards the end of that lifetime.

Right now I am not taking my friend's death well. I thought I was OK a few days ago but it got worse. When I first heard the news I slept most of the day and I didn't eat much. I did not go to the funeral since it was a grave side burial and they may have had a Rabbi speak there, and it was primarily for mainly the rest of her family.

It scares me since while she was a good friend of mine I'm very sad and reacting in ways I never have when people close to me died or if I did react this way I'm not remembering it, and it will all happen out of nowhere.

No I am not suicidal, and I'm not using any drugs legal (like booze) or illegal to numb the pain I feel. I am not avoiding eating food I'm just not hungry at times even though I've been forcing myself to eat several small meals through the day and fresh fruit. I also am not able to tell if I'm thirsty either even though I have been drinking water and green tea. I just am very sad, and I've been doing things like forcing myself to do a lot of cardio exercise like walking or running daily for miles outside in the sunlight. I don't burn myself out and I don't do so much cardio that I vomit. When I do lifting at a gym I don't over-exert myself and tear muscles.

I am scared since if I react this way about a friend how will I react when relatives of mine die?

I do get up in the morning and I try not to sleep a lot; but I will have trouble sleeping at night. I don't have any hunger but I force myself to eat. My stomach will sometimes hurt, or I'll feel like crying a lot.

I've been avoiding doing things socially with people since I don't have the desire to right now. I got invited to a friend's bachelor party. I am thinking of not going since I won't be in the best of moods, there will be tons of alcohol there, and if I drink any alcohol I will just wind up getting a lot more depressed than how I feel now. I am going to go to the wedding though.

If I am feeling this way I feel bad for my friend's daughter who I grew up with who I am friends with.

I also feel as though my family and I sort of abandoned our friend and her daughter even though our friend did stop contact with people. We did try calling her and even visiting; but both my friend and her daughter did not really want anything to do with anyone.

It sounds corny or maybe even tacky/rude to some but I have decided to write an essay about my friend remembering the good things about her, and send it to her daughter with a sympathy card.

I talked to a good friend of mine tonight who used to work with my friend and he told me not to focus on or obsess over death (in general, not my friend's death) and that's what I am going to do.

How do you handle grief?

 

[herbavore]

Right now I am not taking my friend's death well. I thought I was OK a few days ago but it got worse. When I first heard the news I slept most of the day and I didn't eat much.

It scares me since while she was a good friend of mine I'm very sad and reacting in ways I never have when people close to me died or if I did react this way I'm not remembering it, and it will all happen out of nowhere.

Priest, this is exactly how grief comes---seemingly out of nowhere when you are not even necessarily cognizant of having thoughts about it. That is the essence of grief. It is not even connected to thought. It is a feeling, pure feeling. We are used to controlling feelings with thoughts. Grief is impervious to that. Let it come and when it does let it be. Your friend's memory, her meaning, is honored by your feelings.

I am scared since if I react this way about a friend how will I react when relatives of mine die?

I do get up in the morning and I try not to sleep a lot; but I will have trouble sleeping at night. I don't have any hunger but I force myself to eat. My stomach will sometimes hurt, or I'll feel like crying a lot.

It is natural to be scared at the intensity that grief shows us. It scares us to feel so deeply, to hurt so badly. Again, try to just sit with the feelings of fear and sadness and even anger if it comes up. When you try not to have these feelings they grow in power and intensity. When you can embrace them and sit with them, they have a very graceful way of fading and giving you some relief. It doesn't mean they won't return but they will be familiar when they return and they won't scare you as much.

I've been avoiding doing things socially with people since I don't have the desire to right now. I got invited to a friend's bachelor party. I am thinking of not going since I won't be in the best of moods, there will be tons of alcohol there, and if I drink any alcohol I will just wind up getting a lot more depressed than how I feel now.

It makes sense to want to be more contemplative and to spend more time alone. It isn't necessarily "avoiding" people in a negative sense. I think it sounds very healthy for now.

It sounds corny or maybe even tacky/rude to some but I have decided to write an essay about my friend remembering the good things about her, and send it to her daughter with a sympathy card.

I don't think it sounds corny at all. It sounds perfect. When my son died I was starving for other people's memories, their stories, any evidence that his life had meant a fraction to someone else that it means to me. Even today, when his friends call me or write me or even just comment about him on Facebook it brings me so much comfort. The letters I got from people I still read today.

How do you handle grief?

I honor grief as a sacred bond with my son. I have no specific desire to hang on to the sadness but the sadness does not bother me--I have no need to run from it. When I feel it, I open my arms to it and let it happen. When I don't feel sad, when I can laugh about things he did or said--which I do very often--I open my arms to that, too. It is a journey that you take with everyone that matters to you. It continues after they die, as it would for them if you died first. How beautiful that your friend and her daughter matter to you so much. Feel free to PM me any time if it would help.

 

[RobotRipping]

i've been through some pretty serious grief when i was younger. I had no idea how to deal with it other than a pamphlet I received in the mail. Big thing that sticks out from the pamphlet is that in this state of grief your body will do most of the work. it will slow down, like you are in shock and give you special tools to deal with it. It's so incredibly bad and difficult, and everyone always says this but it's true is that time will heal all wounds.

Expect to feel sad, possibly angry and depressed for a while (2-3 weeks), things will pick back up but for a while, just let yourself be sad, think about the things that make you most sad about it all and cry it all out. Whatever you do, don't ignore it or fight it, it must be experienced, processed and filed away. Don't be afraid of forgetting all the important things about your friend, they will live with you forever. I think you're doing well by keeping a routine and staying active. Now process all those feelings and you are doing as well as anyone can do with grief.

great advice herbavore, always appreciate your responses.

 

[ugly]

Definitely writing about your feelings, your friend, your loss, and other ideas that spring up while you're writing IS therapeutic.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for every one of us, because grief is a horrifying fact of life. I know that unless I die first, I'll have to suffer paralyzing loss. I don't want hurt that bad.

Herbavore is always a comforting presence on BL and especially on the dark side. She's been through that which I cannot even imagine, and she's as graceful and beautiful as ever... moreso even because the perspective in her writing is so deep and so real.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I would just talk about it. I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

How do I handle grief? I take hard periods moments at a time. When the negative feeling peaks at select moments throughout my day I try to move away from it; this best works by connecting with a human. We are social creatures after all.

Sorry to hear that though. I hope you and those you know can find peace.

 

[slimvictor]

Sorry to hear about your difficult experiences, Priest.
Herbavore's answer seems to be right on the money, so I don't have much to add to it.
Except that experiencing grief is one essential aspect of being human.
To hide from it will lead to bad things.
It is good that you are not using drugs to mask the pain.
Feeling it, in all its intensity, now, while it comes naturally, will help you deal with it, and move on.
Peace

 

[xstayfadedx]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I know that's cliche to say and I wish I could say more.... Well all I know is you can never prepare yourself.. you know that someone is going to die but when it happens things just hit you so hard. I thought I could prepare myself... it's hard for me to say it but I knew my boyfriend was going to die. I knew it... I thought maybe since I knew then maybe I could get myself ready but I was wrong in thinking tha t. The day he finally died I ended up losing it. I went from going he's dead to no he's not... I denied and denied. It wasn't until later the next day that I broke down and cried. His death was a shock but wait wait I knew with how he was living and stuff that his time was soon.... I knew it but when it finally happened it felt entirely different...

My best friends father just died in May.... we knew he had cancer and we knew how bad it was but even when he died it was still unbelievable... I saw him laying in his casket and still couldn't believe he was gone... When someone dies out of the blue or not I believe it hits you all the same. Death is something you can't prepare yourself for. We can try but in the end its not entirely possible. After the passing of someone all these emotions hit you and you can stop it.. this is the process of grieving and there isn't a magical pill to feel okay... one day it just happens. I thought I would never feel alright after the death of my boyfriend but then one day I realized it was okay. I don't know how it happened but I finally felt okay. I could think about him without wanting to die or cry my eyes out... I miss him and I always will but I realized life goes on and I needed to live. I think at one point well I know I stopped living at one point but with time things got better.

In the end I believe time heals. The wound is so fresh right now and it's hard but with time you will heal and things will get easier. Go through the motions, if you need to cry then cry. If you need to scream then scream. Don't hold things in because it won't help. You need to let it out and talk about it.. I didn't do that at first and thats what kept the wound so fresh for me.... I wish I just let myself grieve. In order to feel better you need to grieve but just because you grieve it doesn't mean you should stop living and I know you won't but that is a line for anyone.

So talk about things, talk to your loved ones.. even the one who passed on and just because they died it doesn't mean they're gone completely. Your memories with them will remain with you and their life will live on.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Thanks for all of your replies. I am taking it all one day at a time and reminding myself that my friend is in a better place, no longer sick with terminal cancer, and that I have friends and family who are here for me. I have talked to them about her death and how I am affected by it.

 

[Fatjosh]

Its good u dont use drugs thats how i used to cope with grief, a hand full of oxy and it was like "what grief?". Now that im sober its a bit different. The only thing that helps me is to just unequivically embrace the shit out of it. Maybe it is because after numbing myself with opiates for so long that feeling any emotion is theraputic for me but. I think somtimes u have to truely surrender to your emotions, embrace them as part of u. I am sorry for your loss and wishing you the best

 

[J.Wallace]

Not gonna lie, the way I deal with grief is through drug use and suppressing my emotions. The natural way? Through time and patience, understanding the situation and ultimately acceptance. It's how I got through my mother's death, it's how you'll get through your friends death.

 

[Sad Sister]

This helped me as I cried reading this. I am grieving for my brother pasted two weeks ago. I can only cry when I'm by myself. Other times I am numb and feel a deep sadness and unable to feel happiness even with my grandchildren who I adore.

Blue light has been my therapy, being able to read and express my thoughts without people judging me.