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How do you feel about your partner in active addiction?

J

Just.Passing

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 9, 2013
Messages
9
Hi there,

I'm a non user however my ex is. I finally severed ties a few days ago.

This has been a drawn out and very painful decision for me to make. I love him very much. After much thought and effort on my part to be a supportive partner, without any success, I do however wish to move forward with my life.

I have researched extensively to gain a better understanding and to be a better support for him, and this forum has been very helpful to me in gaining an understanding of the true circumstances faced by users. So many thanks for the members who post here.

I would love responses from those who have been or are in active addiction, as to how you feel about the other person (a non user). These could be good/bad/positive/negative feelings, I guess I'm after the feelings that really stood out when trying to be in a relationship with someone.

If anyone is willing to share, it would greatly help to educate me further.
 
I've destroyed a few relationships with drug abuse, if they're ready to quit, like actually quit for themselves, then there might be hope...

However addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful, it's hard to live in th real works when your brain is a slave to a chemical.

I'd suggest al-anon or some similar support system if you're going to stick it out.
 
I've only ever had a brief overlap period between drug addiction and a relationship, but I'll try to answer as best I can anyway.
In my experience, being a drug addict does not change how you feel about the person in any way - it rather changes your priorities. You'll most likely love the person just as much as you ever have (including before you were an addict), but unfortunately the drug might jump to the top of the list and you'll suddenly love it even more. Frankly, most addicts often have no idea just how much they're hurting their partner because they're so focused on feeding their own addiction...it's an extremely selfish life, not always intentionally. You have to remember that drugs and addiction largely affect your brain chemistry and notions of what is appropriate and of what truly matters become very blurry.
Because of that, I simply don't think it's possible for anyone to be in a happy relationship with a drug addict - unless you can accept and be okay with the fact that drugs will always come first, which seems unlikely (and who would want that anyway?). It doesn't mean your ex loved you any less...he just lost sight of what was important. Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship but you probably made the right choice, difficult as I'm sure it must have been. I hope both your ex and yourself can manage to help yourselves and move on from that. Good luck <3
 
Thanks so much for the responses Disraeli and Pagey.

I guess I'm going through that whole, "is there something else I could have done, and if so, I should learn my lesson in case there is a next time".

Unfortunately I was not able to tell my ex in person of my decision to leave him. Every time we meet and get together, although I think we both know the odds are definitely against us, we both have not been able to "break up" face to face because this is not what we truly want.

I have tried calling several times after huge arguments with him, just to make it peaceful again and end on OK terms and say what I needed to say. But on those occasions he has been either high or coming down and it never comes to any form of conclusion (he tries to get me off the phone before I can tell him it's over).

So, as sad as it is, I had to text him. At first it was short and sweet, because I was so angry and hurt it was all I could manage (still being nice). But last night after much thought I sent him another text just telling him how much I love him and being honest as he has major trust issues. Although I never gave him reason not to trust me, I find it hard to communicate my feelings to people and he has had some previous gfs that were awful to him and played up on him.

So I told him that there was never anyone else in the hope of giving him closure as I could not do the decent thing and tell him in person.

I guess that's all I can do now. I'm still very hurt and sad and I think it will probably be the hardest decision I will ever make in my life. Because he really is a wonderful human being. I just wish he felt that way about himself :(

Thanks again for reading and the advice, it's really appreciated.
 
Pagey said:
I've only ever had a brief overlap period between drug addiction and a relationship, but I'll try to answer as best I can anyway.
In my experience, being a drug addict does not change how you feel about the person in any way - it rather changes your priorities. You'll most likely love the person just as much as you ever have (including before you were an addict), but unfortunately the drug might jump to the top of the list and you'll suddenly love it even more. Frankly, most addicts often have no idea just how much they're hurting their partner because they're so focused on feeding their own addiction...it's an extremely selfish life, not always intentionally. You have to remember that drugs and addiction largely affect your brain chemistry and notions of what is appropriate and of what truly matters become very blurry.
Because of that, I simply don't think it's possible for anyone to be in a happy relationship with a drug addict - unless you can accept and be okay with the fact that drugs will always come first, which seems unlikely (and who would want that anyway?). It doesn't mean your ex loved you any less...he just lost sight of what was important. Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship but you probably made the right choice, difficult as I'm sure it must have been. I hope both your ex and yourself can manage to help yourselves and move on from that. Good luck <3
Click to expand...

^I like this

When you're the person addicted to the drugs it seems like you have a huge blind spot when it comes to how it's affecting your partner.....You tend to minimize everything. It must be extremely frustrating to be on the other side of that!

On the other hand, drug users seem to understand each other pretty well, because the idea of the drugs coming first is just implicit among us....I keep my expectations of drug-addicts pretty low and the extreme self-centeredness just doesn't come as any surprise to me anymore!
 
ive fucked up a lot of relationships..
Every time i was with a girl, she'd know i was sick, but still chose to be with me because "im not that heavy with the usage"

after a while of every time were together, having to leave to blow a line, or bang a shot..it always comes down to her or the dope. Every time without a doubt i'll pick dope
its not because i dont love the girl im with, but its because im in love with something else.

im not ready to quit, i dont know if i'll ever be, and im not sure why im not ready.

i refer to addiction in itself, as chasing the dragon..because your always chasing that feeling, of being fine, of being ok..but even when you get it..its never possible to keep. so you being on the side of the sober partner, its almost impossible for you to understand what runs through our heads.

in the present, im in a sort of relationship. i met a girl at work who i thought was really cute, and she has a great personality. we hung out at work, joked around, and would just sit and talk...so i ask her what shes doing after we get off our shift, maybe we can grab dinner? she goes ahh maybe another time, i have to run to town (4hour round trip) and i go umm its gonna be 1am by time we get off? she goes yeah, best time to pick up dope...

so the next day she offers it to me, and to this minute im not sure if she knew i was in recovery or not..
i say no because i havent gotten payed yet...so she gives it to me for free.

i look down at her arms and see a stretch of track marks and realize whats going on with her...so i go into the bathroom and blow the ticket.
There starts a fucked up relationship.
im in a semi-relationship with my dope dealer.

We see doing dope together, as a sober couple would see going to the movies as a friday night activity.

i thought it was bad having a sober girlfriend and having to deal with those issues, but here comes a whole new problem..a girl who uses, and has access to an unspeakable amount of dblock.

the guy your dating, im not sure what hes addicted to..but i say it depends on the substance. if hes say, addicted to faders..i feel he has a lot better chance of success than someone addicted to smack or dope. thats my opinion, but i think those two in particular are a dance with the devil that even after you become clean, will never be totally gone.

i may have gone a little off topic, but thats just some inside perspective from the head of an active addict.
 
Just.Passing said:
Thanks so much for the responses Disraeli and Pagey.

I guess I'm going through that whole, "is there something else I could have done, and if so, I should learn my lesson in case there is a next time".

Unfortunately I was not able to tell my ex in person of my decision to leave him. Every time we meet and get together, although I think we both know the odds are definitely against us, we both have not been able to "break up" face to face because this is not what we truly want.

I have tried calling several times after huge arguments with him, just to make it peaceful again and end on OK terms and say what I needed to say. But on those occasions he has been either high or coming down and it never comes to any form of conclusion (he tries to get me off the phone before I can tell him it's over).

So, as sad as it is, I had to text him. At first it was short and sweet, because I was so angry and hurt it was all I could manage (still being nice). But last night after much thought I sent him another text just telling him how much I love him and being honest as he has major trust issues. Although I never gave him reason not to trust me, I find it hard to communicate my feelings to people and he has had some previous gfs that were awful to him and played up on him.

So I told him that there was never anyone else in the hope of giving him closure as I could not do the decent thing and tell him in person.

I guess that's all I can do now. I'm still very hurt and sad and I think it will probably be the hardest decision I will ever make in my life. Because he really is a wonderful human being. I just wish he felt that way about himself :(

Thanks again for reading and the advice, it's really appreciated.
Click to expand...

It's normal for you to be wondering if any of this is your fault, but you just have to keep telling yourself it isn't and a relationship can't work if one (or both) of the people involved is an addict. It sounds like you tried really hard but there comes a time when he's just going to need to sort himself out first and foremost before he's going to be capable of taking care of and loving another person as much as they deserve.
Again, it sounds like you also tried to break up with him both in person and on the phone, and weren't able to for various reasons...so don't blame yourself for finally resorting to text! From all you've said it really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Unfortunately you really can't hope to help him unless he wants to help himself, frustrating as I'm sure that is.
Sometimes it just doesn't work out, and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Remember to keep yourself busy and to stick to a new routine in the next few months. You can do this <3
 
Thanks so much for everyone's advice, the insights are so much appreciated.

I'm not a hater, sometimes I get really pissed off when I think of the things that have happened. But then again the person I am overall is someone who never wants to take the situation and blame people. I just want to remember the great guy he is and you've all helped me once again to put it into perspective.

I think about it tonight and he really did try and keep me away from the harm and danger of it. He was never purposefully cruel to me and I never caught him cheating on me or anything like that. He never stole from me. I had a good experience, comparative to what I know can happen.

So I guess that knowing that he tried his best will have to be enough. Luckily Pagey I am moving in a few days, completely new area half an hour's drive from him. So I won't risk running into him again or even see him again unless we both actively decide to catch up. I'm also starting a new job. So I guess this will be the new routine.

Thank you for your support and insights and I'll keep reading and will post if anyone wants the outsider's point of view?
 
Just.Passing said:
Luckily Pagey I am moving in a few days, completely new area half an hour's drive from him. So I won't risk running into him again or even see him again unless we both actively decide to catch up. I'm also starting a new job. So I guess this will be the new routine.
Click to expand...

Yeah that's really good. Finding new occupations and new things to focus on is key :)
 
If they were actively using I would break up or tell them to stop and if they did not I would break up with them. My own sobriety is very important to me. If they were able to get sober or stop using there would be no reason we could not continue our relationship or get back together.
 
Thank you for your thoughts DD :)

He does try to minimize his use to me, saying he only does weed. But when he is cracked out he admits he has a problem!

He's not ready to quit. He can't be consistently honest with me or himself. I've begged him to get some counseling or to go to a support group so he can meet people who are struggling with the same addiction.

His response is he knows he needs to stop and it's all in his mindset and he can switch it off if he wants to.

I've tried to explain its more complicated than that and thinking that way will keep the vicious cycle going because you are setting yourself up for self inflicted "failure" if you think you are in control.

He just brushes me off, but I know he knows what I've told him is true.

I think he worries that without anything to curb the pain how will he cope with his feelings. He has been through a lot and he numbs it all out with crack/coke.

I've just found out he has a benzo problem now as he is trying to get off coke and thinks its the lesser evil.

Sorry for the rant, I'm definitely struggling today.

It's horrible to know that there's nothing I can do for someone I love so much.

I hope the pain eases in time.
 
Depends on the drug.

My boyfriend had a tabacco addiction-- I didn't really like that and he quit (so yay!)
My boyfriend also has an alcohol addiction (bartender) -- I bought a new car and make him drive it to work (that addiction is getting better since he HATES drinking and driving-- mwuahahaha).
My boyfriend has a marijuana addiction-- I don't really care about that because he never gets "too stoned" (you know to be able to function).
 
Luckily none of my longer term partners had to deal with me in addiction mode, but my best friend had to and it put a strain on our friendship. I had a host of other problems on top of my addiction, such as an eating disorder, self harming, manic depression, severe anxiety, and a few others -- it was rough. He would watch me get high/wasted, self harm, binge/purge and couldn't do a thing. He was there to make sure I was mostly safe, though, and that meant a lot to me. He was there when I was hospitalized, through much of my treatment, and helped to pick me up the couple of times I relapsed. It wasn't easy to show him how much I appreciated it at the time because I was so numb, but I'm glad he was there.
 
My ex was a weed/coke/mdma addict and it really didnt bother me until things went bad for me.. I am still suffering a terrible comedown from mdma and that's where it all fall down too.. didnt really care about my condition so I had to break up with him.. I really liked him though as I perceived him to be a really smart guy but I guess he only cared more about drugs so I had to end it and focus on my recovery more than anything else.
 
Hi all,

I've heard from my ex today. He said he was in my area for work (he never came to visit me while we were together) and if I wanted to come see him to let him know.

I've moved, so I text him back telling him so. I just didn't feel like being mean would help. I also told him nicely that other than being there to support him clean our interactions are unhealthy and that's all I can do.

He's kind of tried to keep up the texting, he asked where I moved to. I told him and said "have a nice day".

Now he's come back with a, "do you have a bf yet? where abouts exactly are you located?"

Any advice would be nice. My feelings right now: I love him heaps, but he's clearly not in a rehab program is he? So nothing's changed and I just can't go through another toxic experience with him. I've been a total mess everytime afterward and I am still feeling a lot of pain and devastation over the breakdown over the relationship and I feel like I'm finally keeping my head above the water and doing things that are good for me and my wellbeing.

I guess I'm asking how to say nicely to him, to f*** off.
 
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Make it clear that you care about him but cannot continue while he has an addiction. Once he is clean then you would love to get back together again and that in the meantime you feel its best not to continue having any contact.
From that moment simply ignore everything.

Now what I have written is what I got from your posts but maybe you feel differently in whi8ch case you would change the wording to suit but the bottom line is that you need to cut off communication in both your best interests.
 
Thanks so much Dan, I have done as you suggested. Luckily he hasn't replied, so I haven't had to ignore him. I really don't want to ignore him.

This is just shit :( I respect other's opinions, and the opinions on this forum, but my opinion is that drugs fuck your life. Period. And it's devastating to see someone you love so much self destruct.

It's really fucking sad to watch. Just a heads up for people who believe that their addiction is healthy, my partner has no skills to function without them, and has tonnes of problems before and now.

Sorry, just really upset.
 
^It's addictions that are a problem more than drugs :\

It's very sad that your partner is having to go through this and that you're there to witness it. I agree with Dan - just make it clear exactly what your feelings are in regards to the situation (this really doesn't have to entail being mean about it). Being honest is only going to do you both a favour in the long run.
 
My bf was in active addiction for along time, it shattered my essence... My entire world, as a foolish move to keep him so joined in. Now I'm a heroin addict struggling everyday to stay clean. We're still together and in love, he's clean now too, and I'm the one relapsing. How the tables have turned...also being on the other side of things with my ex husband I was using, he was clean n did not want me using. I snuck and became angry, I loved him but I didn't understand why he couldn't just let me have this one thing ! In my mind I wasn't addicted , I still cooked , cleaned, took care of kids, in my mind cocaine enhanced all this. Sneaking n lying brought guilt n shame which when he verbally abused me made me unable to fight back. He became meaner, I became more depressed, we divorced. With my current bf I've used behind his back and am still an addict. I love him and when I get high I love him even more, I regret the times I miss his calls while I'm scoring, I just want to hold him and show him I love him more than drugs.
Until they run out, then it's each for themselves and I would lie, steal and cheat him to get well. Then the love starts over. I often wondered when my bf was using and I was not if he really loved me or if I was a convenience ... I now know he loved me, addiction was just stronger than love
 
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