Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
take the time to look in the mirror and say, "I'm sorry" to yourself. I've done this at least once, and it helped how I felt at the time.
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H&R Moderators: streaM Freak
How do you deal with the guilt?
- Thread starter dognasher
- Start date
manboychef
Bluelighter
This is incredibly good to do. I do it sometimes. I also had problems with self worth due to an emotionally and verbally abusive upbringing, so I actually go Stuart Smalley on it and say "I am not a bad person, I am not worthless, if no one values me, I at least value myself and that is what matters most."
Here is a quote I always said to myself when I started dwelling on the things I did during active addiction; "The moving hand writes, and having written no army, no armada, no cavalry, and no deity can strike a single letter from the verse." It always rang true to me because I have always had a problem with letting go. I tended to beat myself up quite a bit. In codependency they call letting go detaching with either love or anger. One way to detach with love is to just do what is right when you can. Eventually the things you have done right will build up to a point in which they outweigh what is bad. At this point you can look back and realize that you have been an amazing example for your daughter, and shown her a model of what recovery looks like and means.
Dognasher, you know I am your friend as we have exchanged a few PMs, so please take this to heart. From what I have read about you and what I inferred from your private messages is that you are doing everything in your power to do the right thing. That is all you can do. Yes it is hard to not think about things that happened in the past, but you have to realize that you are a much different person now than you were before. In fact you are a different person than you were yesterday. In active addiction we overstep bounds that we would never cross due to the action being completely off track from our moral compasses. This is natural. Now you are actually following your moral compass, and acting on it. As many others have stated forgive yourself. You earned it.
When it comes to finances; you will get back what you had tenfold if you just keep doing the next right thing. Not to mention, money is not everything. Your sobriety is worth way more than all the money you spent on getting high. Right now, I have gone through my savings, I owe upwards of four grand in child support, and I can't afford to do nice things for the people I care about. I don't let this get me down. I know that as I work hard I will get it back, but if I don't stay sober it won't matter at all because I will never have any money no matter how many hours I work.
Also, that is exciting news about April. Obviously you are doing something right so Keep up the good work.
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dognasher
Bluelighter
Manboychef 
It never ceases to amaze me that so many of the addicts whose stories I read on here have the common thread of guilt and beating themselves up...letting go is a huge thing. Very hard to do but I have noticed that most of the people I know in my life who have good coping skills usually are great at letting things go. My fiancee is like this - the man just forgives, forgets, and moves on. I wish I could be more like that. Hopefully I can!!
Manboy your story is nothing short of inspiring and a true lesson in letting go. I really admire it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you should be very proud of yourself for how far you have come, and for coming through it all with such grace.
It never ceases to amaze me that so many of the addicts whose stories I read on here have the common thread of guilt and beating themselves up...letting go is a huge thing. Very hard to do but I have noticed that most of the people I know in my life who have good coping skills usually are great at letting things go. My fiancee is like this - the man just forgives, forgets, and moves on. I wish I could be more like that. Hopefully I can!!
Manboy your story is nothing short of inspiring and a true lesson in letting go. I really admire it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you should be very proud of yourself for how far you have come, and for coming through it all with such grace.
I'll go ahead and assume you didn't set out to have an addiction? Addiction to me is the result of some unmet need or trauma that has not been resolved and people that I've met with addictions have been suffering people before the nightmare of addiction sets in.
I get where you're at with the guilt but that sort of thinking leads people to relapse. If you truly want to atone/make amends then stay clean. I have spoke to hundreds if not thousands of people with addictions and their families and every family member when I ask them what does their addicted family member need to do to make up for all the hurt and annoyance. BUT remember the feeling and store it away for the days your resolve isn't as good and when you start to think fondly of the drugs just remember how you feel and let it reinforce your great decision to stay sober.
May you and your family enjoy your drug free life for many, many years.
I get where you're at with the guilt but that sort of thinking leads people to relapse. If you truly want to atone/make amends then stay clean. I have spoke to hundreds if not thousands of people with addictions and their families and every family member when I ask them what does their addicted family member need to do to make up for all the hurt and annoyance. BUT remember the feeling and store it away for the days your resolve isn't as good and when you start to think fondly of the drugs just remember how you feel and let it reinforce your great decision to stay sober.
May you and your family enjoy your drug free life for many, many years.
whiplashWRX
Greenlighter
Dognasher
You have a good head on your shoulders and you want to do the right thing now that you're clean. You were able to get help before it was really too late. Countless people struggle to get help before they lose their children, their jobs, their wives/husbands. To me that's a victory. No you can't take back the time you lost, but think of the lesson in love it serves to show your daughter when she's old enough to hear about it. The demons you had to conquer for the sake of your family. You don't get sober for no good reason. You did it for yourself and for your family.
Instead of thinking of all the time you missed, think of all the time you're making up for by getting the help you needed when you did. Maybe she missed out on some things in the past, but if you do things right with this second chance she'll have a father at her graduation, at her wedding, and 100 other times that she might not have had you continued down your path
The guilt kills us all, but we aren't ourselves when we are lost in addiction. You have time now. Don't waste it.
You have a good head on your shoulders and you want to do the right thing now that you're clean. You were able to get help before it was really too late. Countless people struggle to get help before they lose their children, their jobs, their wives/husbands. To me that's a victory. No you can't take back the time you lost, but think of the lesson in love it serves to show your daughter when she's old enough to hear about it. The demons you had to conquer for the sake of your family. You don't get sober for no good reason. You did it for yourself and for your family.
Instead of thinking of all the time you missed, think of all the time you're making up for by getting the help you needed when you did. Maybe she missed out on some things in the past, but if you do things right with this second chance she'll have a father at her graduation, at her wedding, and 100 other times that she might not have had you continued down your path
The guilt kills us all, but we aren't ourselves when we are lost in addiction. You have time now. Don't waste it.
manboychef
Bluelighter
+1 for whiplash's post.
It reminded me to stop and recognize what I have, instead of fantasizing about what I don't have or lost.
It reminded me to stop and recognize what I have, instead of fantasizing about what I don't have or lost.
Ds
Bluelight Crew
Man I just keep moving foward in life. Aint got time to sit around and think of all the bad shit i've done in my life. I am only human, I make mistakes over and over and over again.
I once posted a thread about guilt and shame a while back, and since I got it out in the open, I try to learn from my mistakes, and try not to make the same mistakes twice in a row.
I once posted a thread about guilt and shame a while back, and since I got it out in the open, I try to learn from my mistakes, and try not to make the same mistakes twice in a row.
cj
Bluelight Crew
Guilt sucks for real. Its not even like feeling guilty to specific person or instance to me but guilty about destroying myself. You know I still have problems with missing my past. Friends who are gone shows missed ect. I actually feel real down about it today. My birthday is coming up next month ill be 27. I really wanted to throw a party and invite all my friends and shit. But then I realized that would be like 10 people. Then I realized I am starting over. Then I was sad. Now I feel guilt
manboychef
Bluelighter
NeverSickAnymore gave me a lot of helpful advice about feeling shame and guilt.
Something I do to help me not feel so much shame and guilt about things I have done is keeping a journal. I write it out on there because some things I have done I feel should never see the light of day.
Sometimes I go back and read it to remind myself just how far I have come, and it is hard to feel guilt in the face of overwhelming progress.
@crimson. You are in essence rebooting your life. A lot of that has to do with changing your people places and things...ie friends. Your friends that did not use, or are doing well in life are still there...you just need to find a way to reach out to them. It is true for me, and may be true for you, but most of the friends I had while using are just people that mutually used each other for the common goal of getting high. Most of the time I had nothing in common with them other than the fact we used the same drug. This point was made very clear to me when I had to dumb down the way I was talking to have even the most basic of conversations with a few of my "friends"
Something I do to help me not feel so much shame and guilt about things I have done is keeping a journal. I write it out on there because some things I have done I feel should never see the light of day.
Sometimes I go back and read it to remind myself just how far I have come, and it is hard to feel guilt in the face of overwhelming progress.
@crimson. You are in essence rebooting your life. A lot of that has to do with changing your people places and things...ie friends. Your friends that did not use, or are doing well in life are still there...you just need to find a way to reach out to them. It is true for me, and may be true for you, but most of the friends I had while using are just people that mutually used each other for the common goal of getting high. Most of the time I had nothing in common with them other than the fact we used the same drug. This point was made very clear to me when I had to dumb down the way I was talking to have even the most basic of conversations with a few of my "friends"
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
I try to make a real distinction between remorse and guilt. Remorse is what makes us good human beings. Remorse is understanding the impact of things we have done or failed to do that have hurt us or hurt other people or both. We learn from remorse, grow from remorse, deepen our compassion and understanding from feeling remorse. But guilt is getting stuck in endless self-punishment over what we feel remorse about. Guilt is self-shaming and does not really lead us to a deeper understanding or the ability to be more empathetic or compassionate. It may sound like semantics or splitting hairs but I really think their is a crucial distinction. Remorse accepts responsibility and learns from it. Guilt uses blame as a weapon that just encourages numbing, masking or outright running away from the scary pain of changing and growing as a human being.
cj
Bluelight Crew
I have kept a notebook journal off and on over the years but I never thought of using it to store those feelings. I really like that use.
Yeah when I was in my early 20s almost all my friends where using buddies. None are in my life now really. I often wonder if I will have any lifelong friends and does it even honestly matter? I often find relationships have a shelf life in this world. I really like the reboot analogy though because its so appropriate to this social scene.
Let me tell whats not going to help you...
guilt, shame, extreme regrets. These feelings are mostly useless and only serve to push addicts back into using, TRULY!
Based on your post , I worry for you , because I can tell you have got a ton of conflict going on inside you right now...
these overpowering emotional sentiments are understandable but not advised. . . try to keep your head on straight and focus on what you are currently doing that IS working.... even if it is only 3 weeks on subs... focus on that.
guilt, shame, extreme regrets. These feelings are mostly useless and only serve to push addicts back into using, TRULY!
Based on your post , I worry for you , because I can tell you have got a ton of conflict going on inside you right now...
these overpowering emotional sentiments are understandable but not advised. . . try to keep your head on straight and focus on what you are currently doing that IS working.... even if it is only 3 weeks on subs... focus on that.
manboychef
Bluelighter
+1 for this post. There are two questions you have to ask yourself when you are feeling guilty about something that happened in the past.
1.) can I change it now?
2.) will dwelling on it solve anything?
Generally the answers are no and nothing. Focus on what you are doing now, don't let who you were define you. Let who you are guide you.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Admitting to ourselves that, despite our problems and everything we've done, "it isn't my fault," can be just as if not more therapeutic as CH's awesome suggestion. A lot of people would say that "it's not my fault" promotes delusion or something, but the fact of the matter of it is that no one can be held totally responsible for their addiction. Given the role of environment, upbringing and trauma, how could it be our fault?
The more mental and physical effort we put into the good, being positive and constructive, the less we have the time or energy to put into anxiety, fear and shame.
The more mental and physical effort we put into the good, being positive and constructive, the less we have the time or energy to put into anxiety, fear and shame.
DutchBloke
Bluelighter
Although every case is of course a different one...
But this is how I manage.
First of all, you must accept that every person on this earth makes mistakes.
One cannot undo his past actions, but one can try to be better than that in the future.
I like to see it as a scale, if you can outweigh your bad actions from the past with good actions in the future then the scales are evened so to say..
Also a big part is forgiving yourself or at least be confident that one can make up for it, if not you might have a very hard time dealing with your present you.
Like Manboychef said, if you can look back and compare you situation with the past it can be very uplifting and motivating to go on with your life and better actions.
The best of luck, cheers!
~DuBlo
But this is how I manage.
First of all, you must accept that every person on this earth makes mistakes.
One cannot undo his past actions, but one can try to be better than that in the future.
I like to see it as a scale, if you can outweigh your bad actions from the past with good actions in the future then the scales are evened so to say..
Also a big part is forgiving yourself or at least be confident that one can make up for it, if not you might have a very hard time dealing with your present you.
Like Manboychef said, if you can look back and compare you situation with the past it can be very uplifting and motivating to go on with your life and better actions.
The best of luck, cheers!
~DuBlo
manboychef
Bluelighter
from your lips to gods ears dutchbloke. Forgiveness is an amazing thing.
dognasher
Bluelighter
Just an update, I have been clean for over two months now, from all drugs! I have planned my wedding in April, my business is doing way better, I took on two part time jobs to make some extra money, both of which are really enjoyable. I am out of the house more, reconnecting with friends, and most important - spending lots of time with my little one. We bake together every Sunday, and I help her do her homework every week. She has been so great - and I think all the extra loving has been as good for me as it has for her - we do all sorts of silly girl things now, from painting our nails to cutting Barbie hair. And it's wonderful. My life has changed 100% since I got clean. I don't ever plan on looking back, what I almost lost is staggering.