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How do you deal with the guilt?

dognasher

dognasher

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 27, 2013
Messages
214
Location
Denver, Colorado
I've been on a long struggle for sobriety and I think I finally am on the right path. I am on Suboxone and have been for three weeks - I feel so much better, I don't have crazy cravings, and I am able to exercise again.

I was addicted to IV coke and IV heroin. I almost lost everything. I have a child. I have my own business. I know I can't EVER go back to that life or it will all slip out of my hands and so at least now I know that this time is the last time and that part of my life, while it will never go away, is over. If I have to cut off my hands and pull out my eyeballs, I will not get high today. Or tomorrow. But I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

Now that I have a little sober time, I have been dealing with extreme anxiety, sadness, and guilt over all that I have done to my fiancee, my parents...most of all I have crippling guilt over being such a selfish asshole that I chose drugs over my child's well being. I never hurt her, and she's little so she didn't really know anything as far as I know, but the money I spent on drugs could have gone to her...now we struggle just to pay bills and put food on the table, because of me. Because of what I have done, and because I chose to squander my money and my life on drugs instead of being a present and strong parental force to her. I love her more than anybody in the world. I think of her sweet face, and it lights up my whole heart. She's my only child and she's my world. Now I can barely afford to buy her new shoes and my parents have had to help us out with food and bills, and her school supplies. (She's 5 and just started kindergarten).

I try to tell myself that I am doing well, I am picking up the pieces, I walk her to school every morning, pick her up every afternoon, am sober now. I take her fishing, I do her homework with her. I just started volunteering at her school. I tell myself these things but my heart breaks when I think of the fights she witnessed between me and my fiancee over this drug stuff, the mornings where I was too fucked up from withdrawal or coming down from coke and too fucked up to make her breakfast, the times she asked me why I was sick, the time's I snapped at her when I was crabby....it just breaks my heart. It just rips it right out from my chest. I don't know how I could have been so careless with my life when I have this little somebody I love so much, who I carried for nine months and who I promised to be responsible for and raise.

I think now that I am not numbing my fears and feelings they are coming out by the bucketload...and I'm really scared to face them. It's like all the fears that kept me using are still there plus fears about all the stuff I made worse.

My fiancee is wonderful and tells me to stop beating myself up..my parents are wonderful, supportive. But I just can't forgive myself. I am trying, but the guilt just eats me alive. When does it get better?

Thanks for listening.
 
Before i say anything i just want to say, that i was a drug addict myself. So i can relate to your problems. But i don't have any children.
At the time i was fucked up, i simply told my parents.. I take drugs.. So take it or leave it. This is my life, and i do what i want with it.
When i was getting fucked up ( Benzos, opiates and other downers) i mostly tried to disconnect from the world. I didn't take any calls, and tried to isolate as much as possible.
But when you're fucked, it's hard to keep it. But i tried my best in all those years. But maan.. have i done incredible embarrassing things, and lost a lot of people on that.. Made many think i just was a hardcore addict, and wasn't good for anything. When that said.

[Snipped for abuse -- Please note this is a support forum.]

I really hope that you're thinking about your kid from now on. Never to get into using again. If i were in your situation and i started to use again.. I would move away, and let the father and his family take care of the child.. I could't stand the humiliation, and i would know that is was for the better.
 
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Addiction is a dirty bastard.. it drives us to do all these things we would never do. Then it uses guilt and other emotions to try and drive us to do more of these things.

Forgive yourself already.<3 Quit holding yourself up to the standards of a God. We are human beings and we fuck up all day everyday. Its OK:)

The unconscious part of our mind is where the addiction forms and it drives us to do things we never would think of.

Throw out all that guilt and shame.. its does us no good and drives use.

Please consider reading through this thread.. esp the chapter about the elephant and the rider. The unconscious is naturally much more powerful then the conscious.

Amazing work on pulling out of the storm.:D Forgive your elephant.. it thinks it's indestructable, can not reason, has no real concept of consequences, is a bully that's full of manipulation and deceit, and has the maturity and patience of a toddler.

The Divided Self

The Brain and Addiction
 
Oh. My. Word.

How can anyone be so judgemental?

Dognasher.... head up and stop beating yourself up. As you've seen there are plenty of people only too willing to do that for you so don't help them out.

It's brilliant you're getting on track. Keep it up. Smile. Stay sober. :)
 
For me, working all 12 steps (and applying them), therapy, exercise, helping others...

Oh and time. The longer I stay clean, the easier it is to put the things I did as "in the past" and be grateful that I am not working a program of recovery.
 
Hey Makelove - First, let ME say THIS - I didn't even read through your whole post because it doesn't serve anybody and you don't deserve a reaction to it. This forum is not for judging, and do you not think I have judged myself to hell and back? If you think it was easy for me to admit this on a public forum you are fucking wrong and it took a great amount of strength to do so, knowing I would be opening myself up to heartless trolls like yourself.

Way to kick somebody when they are down. But whatever, you have your issues and I have mine, and I'll thank you kindly to stay away if you don't have constructive things to say. Believe me, I beat myself up for this EVERY FUCKING DAY over this.

I do think about my child. All the time. As you know, addiction doesn't only choose people without children. Read around this board a little. I take full accountability for my actions. My child never knew what was going on, never went without anything. I have struggled, but she doesn't know the difference. I'm sure she picked up on some strife and the fact that I wasn't mentally present. I know kids pick up on more than we think they do, but she was NEVER neglected or abused. Never. I would gladly lay down my life for that child. I am a good mother. I love my kid more than anything and believe me when I say that I would kill myself before I would let her go hungry, or let anybody lay a hand on her. I know this subject makes people very angry, hell, it makes ME angry. But clearly you can see I am eaten alive by guilt and it doesn't help my recovery or my child to let it fester. I am trying to find a way to forgive myself and move on.

Neversickanymore - bless your heart. Your post, as they all are, are so helpful and informative and most importantly, chock full of TOOLS I can use to pick up the pieces. That's exactly what I am looking for.

I have been running again - I used to be a marathon runner, and it has helped me greatly. I am practicing meditation, and REALLY working on mindfulness, but man is it hard!

I guess I can't shake the "what - ifs"...my daughter, like I said above, has NEVER been abused, hurt, hit, or gone hungry. I spend time with her all the time, but I just can't stop obsessing over the "what if I lost her?" "what if I would have OD'd in the house?"

It's stupid, I know.
 
Way to go dognasher! Don't pay the troll any mind, I'm sure he was dumped by some chick and now hates women. Your doing the right thing now and that's what matters most. We can't change the past, only look to the future. Look at all you have and be thankful, many have no support but you seem to have lots so that's awesome. Just keep working hard and good things will come. God can see into your heart and soul and he/she knows your struggle and still blessed you with a beautiful child. God never gives us more than we can handle and it seems to me your doing quite well now. Just because your broke and you've let down loved ones doeant mean u can't make it up to them. Live for your love and you'll truly find happyness... Good luck and god bless :)
 
Yes, I did some digging and clearly he leads a tiny little life where judging others is easy when you have nothing to occupy your time. I don't often respond to bullshit like that or send people PMs, but I just sent a whopper. I don't feel good about it and I knew I was opening myself up to this...but it still hurts when somebody tells you that you should have aborted your child. Jeez. Like that helps anybody.

Thank you, Cliffy. I am so lucky that I have lots of support. Everybody seems to have forgiven me and moved on except me! If any good has come out of this, it's that I will spend the rest of my life completely devoted to this child and cherishing every word she says because I know how I took that for granted, and I am trying to make up for lost time. She is little and thank god she may never remember this, and I will also gladly tell her the truth when she is old enough, and I think I owe that to her.

I can live with most everything else I did during my active addiction, except this. I have to dig it out like a cancer or I am in serious danger of relapse. It felt good to get it out, despite the fact that I may have pissed a lot of people off.

I really need to work on forgiveness in general.
 
I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe you had to live that life to become what u were meant to become? Who knows? Someday you will forgive yourself, you'll be a much better mother for it I think. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying your not a good mom now but once u get past all the guilt you'll be like super mom! Don't beat yourself up so much that's no way to live. Be proud that you've turned the corner and that your doing good now. So what u can't buy your kid shiny new things right now, that's not important at all, as long as your child feels your love and your gentle touch each day, that's what your child will remember and IMO that's all that matters. That's true purpose and you've found it...
 
Hey dognasher -- right now, right attitude. For what it's worth, my mom had a drug addiction while she was raising her four kids. She beat it, and we're proud of her, and I wouldn't have any other mom but her. God bless you and your recovery!
 
Just A Guy said:
Hey dognasher -- right now, right attitude. For what it's worth, my mom had a drug addiction while she was raising her four kids. She beat it, and we're proud of her, and I wouldn't have any other mom but her. God bless you and your recovery!
Click to expand...

Thank you. Thank you so much. I really needed that right now. You have no idea how much those few words of encouragement meant to me. <3
 
As an old mentor liked to say, "Guilt is the most useless human emotion. Not only can it be incredibly painful, but it is the most surefire way of accomplishing nothing."
 
Dognasher....good for you girl. Don't put yourself down....addiction is a mf'r and a half. I've been there and back...spent all of my money, am now struggling...I have a daughter and she is old enough to know and understand what I did. I love what toothpastedog posted. Guilt is counter-productive.


It's ok. Take it A LITLE BIT at a time. Just a little bit....You made the break away from that bullshit. That is the hardest part. All the best to you.
 
I deal with the guilt by realizing that the past is the past and that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I also try to be objective in judging myself. I tend to hold myself to a higher standard then I hold other people so I try to have a little mercy on me. I realize that I'm no angel but neither am I a monster. I have done both good and bad and life is not black and white.
 
crimsonjunk said:
I deal with the guilt by realizing that the past is the past and that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I also try to be objective in judging myself. I tend to hold myself to a higher standard then I hold other people so I try to have a little mercy on me. I realize that I'm no angel but neither am I a monster. I have done both good and bad and life is not black and white.
Click to expand...

Crimson, me too. I have SUCH unattainable standards for myself. And you're right, life is anything but black and white.

Things are just really all around hard right now - I am struggling to keep my business afloat, and it is financially affecting everybody, I've been having some health problems during the last two weeks (norovirus AND migraines. yay) so things have been hard. I have stayed sober throughout it all though and feel like I am slowly reclaiming my sense of self worth. I may not have lots of money right now, but I try to make sure I walk my daughter to school every day, buy her little things when I can, and most importantly, be present for her. We've been making homemade Halloween decorations together and it's been super fun to actually be there for her and have a consistent mood. I am finding that the longer I am sober, the better I am at maintaining a steady mood and solid foundation for her. I used to think that drugs made me a better and more energetic mother, but boy, was I wrong!

Every week this stupid fucking addiction is one step farther behind me and it feels so good. For the first time I really can see myself making it through. I can really envision a life without drugs...a life as a better mom. It's really the only thing I want right now - I don't care if I am poor, or a "loser". I just want to be there for that little girl. It's my only focus.
 
Hi Dognasher, it's been over a week since the last post here, but I just thought I'd chime in real quick...

1. The fact that you feel this guilt shows just how much, how deeply, you care and understand how wrong your previous behavior was. This is a huge positive. There are so many people that are so cavalier about such situations. Be thankful that you're not one of them.

2. Guilt is a useless emotion. It really doesn't accomplish anything. I know you know that, but it should be said a million times. It's like worrying about something you can't do anything about - it's just self-torture.

The best thing to do now is to structure your life so that everything you do is for the benefit of yourself and your family. Try to let the guilt go, and look forward. Looking back is what generates the useless guilt. Try to look forward.

I remember you posting a couple months back when you were first getting off your IV coke/H habit. You've come a long way. You have much to be proud for. Don't look back. Look forward. Let the guilt go. Good luck.
 
Wow, what an insightful post Phil. I really appreciated reading that. Seriously, thank you for adding that.

After all, we can't change the past, not matter how much we cling to, ruminate or obsess over it. Understanding guilt requires giving it your full attention, inviting it in to sit at your tea party (as they say :)). In that way we can begin to understand it, understand how if makes us feel.

Through understanding and feeling how we experience guilt as the emotion it is - a useless emotion, but still significant in that it shows your true, loving, kind empathetic nature - we can begin to let go of it, becoming more equanimous in letting it pass through us.

Sooner or later guilt may return, pounding on the door to our being to be let in. And in the same way we can again invite guilt to join us at our tea party (the party that is our self's jumble of thoughts and feelings), feel it as it really is, and let it again pass into and through us. In such a way we may even better understand guilt, while getting better at dealing with how it effects us at the same time.

Thus we become "better" at letting go. We begin to grasp the significant and nature of forgiveness.
 
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Aw man, thank you guys! These posts are so filled with great points that I like to check the thread whenever I am hit with despair. It's so true that guilt just becomes self torture. My fiancee likes to call me The Queen of Self Flagellation...I am a recovering Catholic after all :)

Things are better though. I have to say, I am being a kick ass mom. I am saving money. I am working my ass off. I am dealing with things - really dealing with them - instead of grabbing a bag of dope and shooting up in the bathroom, or not coming into work. I am LIVING. For better or for worse. I was supposed to get married this September, but my addiction derailed that. I just booked my honeymoon to Mexico after we get married...in April. My family gave us $1000 dollars for that. Six months ago they would have rather had their arms chewed off by wolves than give me money. My fiancee was the one who suggested we just go to the courthouse and do it in April. These things say SOMETHING about my improvement. It's up to me to really believe in MYSELF, because clearly other people do, and the self hate is what led me to drugs in the first place.

In February, my business will have it's one year anniversary. How I kept a store open throughout a terrible IV drug addiction I will never know, but I do know that the road ahead can't be worse than the road behind me.

My point in all this babble is that these things are accomplishments achieved in the face of despair that my daughter can look back on and be proud of me for, even after she knows the truth, when I am dead and gone - and if I am proud of those accomplishments too instead of dwelling on all the stupid shit then only good things can come for both me and her. I try to keep this top of mind when things go south. They still go south a lot, but I guess I know how to deal with them as just emotions - not gospel.

Thanks again for your helpful words. Like I said, I read this thread often when I turn down the path of self hate.
 
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