How do you convince yourself that you aren't in control?

[GenericName12]

I have quit abusing various substances many times for weeks/months, only to think to myself, "This time I can control it." and start up again only to realize that no, I can't. I can't control it. I end up bingeing like a maniac after a few days back on. I consider myself lucky to be alive. How I convince that portion of my brain that I cannot control it? I know it is just my mind tricking itself but sometimes it wins.

Right now I am clean and this is what my brain is telling me. "This time is different. You won't abuse it this time." I wish that were true. I wish I could abuse once a week. I cannot. I have tried many times.

Another question. Like I said I have quit various times but never for serious extended periods of time. When does the grief end? It feels like a very close friend or family member died. I wasn't using drugs as anti-depressants because before I started I was a genuinely happy person. When does it stop feeling like I am missing out on all these great experiences? I don't mean the cravings. I know the cravings diminish over time except for the odd flare up which I can control. Everything I see reminds me of drugs.

Sorry if this has been answered already in a different thread. Please link me/tell me what to search if it has.

Thank you.

 

[SkagKush]

Hey Generic Name,

I am sorry to hear about what your going through, and how it is making you feel.

From my experience I believe that this feeling goes away more and more with time. At first you will convince yourself that you can use again with reason, but the longer you abstain the less you think this. I know for myself that I dont even think about using heroin anymore, and I have been off of it for just over a year now. Another part of dealing with this is working on yourself... why do you use? etc... This could be seeing a counselor, meetings or even some personal work.

Best of luck and BL is here for you.

Skag

 

[zen_donkey]

convincing yourself that you are not in control is one of the easiest things in the universe, actually :D
it's as hard as trying to "convince" yourself that objects fall down and not up when you let them fall. What is it that we control? Control is a mere idea, a concept. Taking eating, for example. We say "I am eating" as if it's something we 'do'. When we eat, the food disappears upon entering our mouths; we usually don't even perceive it as it falls in the stomach. Then, digestion magically happens and all the nutrients are released and somehow used by the body. And what about life itself? How long does a body live? As long as the current breath lasts. But not even a single breath is upon our hands; can we ever make sure that we will even have a next breath?

We acquired the concept of control during our upbringing. Setting goals and reaching them, becoming successful, getting pleasure, being happy. Honestly admitting and realizing that we have no control over anything instantly brings this merry-go-round to a halt. This act of seemingly psychological suicide is a path to profound freedom.

it's almost 3am here and I'm about to go to sleep, I hope you excuse the philosophical overtones

 

[Vaya]

Might I suggest that the problem lies within the word "convince" itself? Allow me to explain.

When I got sober, I had to accept the act that, like yourself, I am powerless when it comes to using recreational drugs responsibly. When I was in active addiction, I was always struggling to convince myself of something. Anything. I was perpetually swimming against the current. So, too, was I attempting to serve as both the actor and director of my own life. Disputes between the two characters are inevitabilities in that which we call life. If I were able to, I would likely still be using drugs. But I'm not, because I can't, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am powerless over my addiction.

Powerlessness was a foreign concept to me until I thought of a mountain, for I am powerless to move a mountain. So, too, am I incapable of recreationally using drugs.

The grief will end once you have amassed a solid amount of clean time and begin to witness your life, potential and opportunities bloom before you in ways you likely think impossible at this present time.

You will get there. But please make sure to hang on tightly for the first few months, as they are decidedly the most difficult!

 

[GenericName12]

Hey guys. Thanks for the support and advice.

It's nice to hear that the grief ends. Sometimes I wonder if my situation was different because somehow I managed to remain highly functional as well (obviously getting less and less functional as time goes on) so part of me feels like I barely missed out of life. I suppose that's not entirely true. While I managed to somehow remain successful in my profession (at the end and even now, this is becoming not true) my personal relationships suffered drastically. But in the end I think I was lucky to have stopped myself without losing any significant in my life or more importantly losing my life. My relationships suffered but never severed and I am working hard now to repair them. But I am seriously going to miss the recreational use before it became a problem. I loved the recreational use so much and I miss it dearly.

I am going to try to accept that I am powerless over it which I know that I am. It's just hard to accept. It's hard to imagine. Everyday I remind myself that I cannot use drugs no matter what my brain thinks because I know what will happen if I do.

I hope someday it clicks for me.

edit:

Also thank you skagkush for sharing your story that after a year you don't even think about it anymore. That gives me hope.

 

[Vaya]

I am going to try to accept that I am powerless over it which I know that I am. It's just hard to accept. It's hard to imagine. Everyday I remind myself that I cannot use drugs no matter what my brain thinks because I know what will happen if I do.

I applaud your efforts, my friend. I know that it is difficult. At first, even, it seems impossible!
What helped me was empowering the notion in my mind that I had an allergy to mind-altering substances. When I take a drug or a drink, I don't respond normally - much like someone who is allergic to bees gets stung and breaks out in hives.

I'm powerless over most everything. I still struggle to accept that, sometimes. But then I think of the generalities: I'm powerless over the weather, traffic conditions, the position of a mountain, etc. Start big, then confine the concept to your own life.

You're not a dirty person. You have an allergy to drugs, and in order to remain healthy it is imperative that you stay abstinent from them!

I hope someday it clicks for me.

Practice & Patience.
You will achieve your goal if you continue to employ both Practice & Patience as the taproot towards your new life.

~ Vaya

 

[GenericName12]

Hey thanks for responding.

I'm still abstinent and still struggling with this concept. Starting to get there. Some days are better than others. Today I feel good.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately on my past actions without the clouded mind and it's overwhelming how I couldn't recognize it was a problem at the time. How did I not realize that blacking out everyday for months on end was not ok? The addict mind is a dangerous one!

I like the allergy analogy too. It's true. We don't respond normally. Normal people don't have this uncontrollable obsession over taking another drink/hit/whatever.

 

[herbavore]

^So glad to hear that you are sticking to it! Have you been trying to introduce new interests into your life? I think this can work wonders. Alcohol, or whatever the substance was, occupied a huge space in your time, your thoughts and your habits. When you take it away it does leave a very tangible void and that is on top of all the psychological things you are dealing with in its absence. It is quite literally something that you did--an activity. So introducing new activities that interest you, challenge you, nurture you--whatever you need--is vital. Right now you are still focused on the absence of something you enjoyed and the lack is tangible. You need to fill that void with something that engages you and connects you.

Years ago, I taught art classes in a prison. Most of the guys were in for drug and alcohol related stuff. Most of them put up with all my other projects just because they were so bored and it gave them a chance to spend time with a female but when I brought clay in, they were in heaven. Working with your hands is such a meditative and comforting thing to do. There seems to be no pressure like with the two dimensional arts; you don't like it, you just wad it up and start over. I ran into one of the guys on the outside years later and he told me he went to the local night school and enrolled in a pottery class where he learned to center the clay on a wheel and that he credits that with not only making the difference in his success with sobriety but with changing his life. My long-winded point is that finding something that feels good, takes some discipline and practice, but gives you satisfaction, can go a long way towards reinvigorating your life.

 

[Vaya]

Beautiful response, herby

I'm still abstinent and still struggling with this concept. Starting to get there. Some days are better than others. Today I feel good

This makes me so happy to hear As with all things both difficult and arduous, this is going to take time. I feel a personal sense of gratitude upon reading that you're having better days, and appear to be coming to grips with the effort it will take to remain abstinent. So worth it, IME.

I like the allergy analogy too. It's true. We don't respond normally. Normal people don't have this uncontrollable obsession over taking another drink/hit/whatever.

No, they certainly don't. It Absolutely baffled me that people could behave in such away this dissimilar to me, until it was explained to me in this way. It was at that point that I realized that I was truly more different from others than I had originally expected, or would have allowed myself to believe!

 

[SilverFeniks]

I understand completely. I've long recognized that I have no control over my substance use (abuse), no matter how painfully aware I am of my addctions and the damage it has done to my health (mental & physical), my relationships (or lack thereof) and my career aspirations / wealth.
Despite these constant realizations, any period of brief sobriety is too easily eliminated when I compulsively begin drinking/using again; my memory is so short that I always forget all the reasons I have to stay clean&sober.

Even my #1 homie (/drug connect..) being hospitalized twice this year due to alcoholism-induced pancreatitus wasn't enough to keep me sober for more than a week.

Try to find as many positive distractions & personal improvements as you can, and take advantage of whatever kinds of external sobriety support that may be available to you. Constantly remind yourself of the toll substance abuse is taking on your physical health, mental wellbeing, and advancement in life.

 

[mrflowers00]

i know i am powerless to use drugs in a reasonable way yet i still use it takes a lot of hard work to stop using admitting you're powerless is just the first step

 

[neversickanymore]

This is easy.. but really hard at the same time.. but really easy.. first step is to set something to control.. then fail at controlling it, then fail enough times to admit that you aren't in control.. yea the place we live in in our brains is just an advisor

 

[thedawn]

I get it.
fantasizing about valium right now cuz of bad anxiety.
but I was on benzos for 12 years,enormous amounts,used 3 years to finally get off them...
if I have one I think it doesn't work enough and take another and then I lose count and then
I "deserve"one.I lose control every time.
still I wish I could take just one and relax like a normal person.

 

[neversickanymore]

benzo use IMO isn't addicting.. what drives you to desire the relief they provide?

 

[Travis_Smith]

This is a great question and you are going to get many DIFFERENT answers, all Subjective. Most are going to try to convince you that a support group is the only way. (like A.A.) However, in my experience these individuals are outwardly happy, but when you scratch the surface they are miserable. Once we get hooked on the euphoria that comes from out drug of choice, we are never going to learn to live without it. Because its so easy to re-achieve that feeling. (As easy as getting that next fix.) From my experience the only way to live with that urge, desire, need etc. is to replace it with something else. Weight lifting and fitness are the number one choice I've found that helps us, because working out will give you a natural endorphin high that replaces the high achieved through substances. Also, we like more than just the high but we also like the danger involved. Don't ask me why but we do. So many people are able to control those urges with something like Jet Boats, hang gliding, hunting; you get the picture. What I find interesting about our society is people see it as negative if we like to enjoy ourselves doing substances, but if we switch that rush for the rush of jumping out of airplanes with a little bitty parachute people think we are cool and interesting...

 

[neversickanymore]

This is a great question and you are going to get many DIFFERENT answers, all Subjective. Most are going to try to convince you that a support group is the only way. (like A.A.) However, in my experience these individuals are outwardly happy, but when you scratch the surface they are miserable. Once we get hooked on the euphoria that comes from out drug of choice, we are never going to learn to live without it. Because its so easy to re-achieve that feeling. (As easy as getting that next fix.) From my experience the only way to live with that urge, desire, need etc. is to replace it with something else. Weight lifting and fitness are the number one choice I've found that helps us, because working out will give you a natural endorphin high that replaces the high achieved through substances. Also, we like more than just the high but we also like the danger involved. Don't ask me why but we do. So many people are able to control those urges with something like Jet Boats, hang gliding, hunting; you get the picture. What I find interesting about our society is people see it as negative if we like to enjoy ourselves doing substances, but if we switch that rush for the rush of jumping out of airplanes with a little bitty parachute people think we are cool and interesting...

qft.. cause this is chuck full of truth

 

[lars90]

qft.. cause this is chuck full of truth

for me the greef ended after a good 8 months when i stopped thinking about the drug every day. you should go some place some warm place where the sun shines every day and you can just enjoy every think. just make sure you take a friend with you that will keep you occulied or go with a travel group maybe.
that was the first time i didnt think about the drug every day.

i still think of it allot after 1 1/2 years because my snowy vison reminds me of it every week but i found i dont really connect it anymore.

you have to find something that fills the hole that drugs made and recovering will go faster than you even know. maybe a girlfriend maybe some sport, or maybe just working out every day in the gym (what helped me allot).

peace bro youll do it this time