How do you break a pattern of half a lifetime?

[ColdNorth]

Hello Dark Siders. This will probably be a long ass post but I have nothing to lose in explaining it in detail, I always fall back to old habits with my current resources anyway and this seems like a lucid moment. Skip if you don't want to read a long post about boring personal stuff. My home is a socially awkward country so talking about this didn't cross my mind before reading one of the BL stickies on quitting drugs. That, and there's nobody left IRL who has any idea. I've been stuck in this loop for half my life now and I'm ready to get out.

14 months ago a chain of events started, I'll begin there. I had my last manic episode that escalated to a psychotic break, almost got a friend killed during that and got into problems with the law, like losing my driver's license and a bunch of fines for drugs, drunk driving, shoplifting and being an asshole to the cops and guards. I don't remember any of that nor would I normally act that way. This was following a bad breakup of a long and hellish relationship the previous summer that had kept me going on a binge of anything I could get ever since. That was the 3rd psychosis that winter, I never experienced any until all of a sudden they started happening a lot, along with increasingly bad speech/memory problems, tremors and other seemingly neurological issues. Never found out why but it had been years since the last sober day so that was the obvious suspect.

It was the lowest point for years and I withdrew from life completely. My circle of friends has gone down to 0, at least I don't think of the ass flies that show up every few months when I finish a MJ harvest as 'friends'. Now that I'm more sober everyone seems distant, disconnected from my world even though they probably are just the same as always. They're more like a dream, not vivid at all. I went on medication and quit alcohol, benzos, meth, RCs, everything that played a part in my deterioration (and I've stayed off). It took almost a year to start getting any kind of reason for existing back and I'm pretty sure I will never feel 'normal' again no matter what drugs I do or don't. I knew there was a price. There's no cure for cynicism except a bullet to the head or a world full of cynics, frankly the bullet sounds better.

Slowly the momentum has built up and now I'm at the critical point that decides if I stay in seclusion achieving nothing for the next random number of years or finally manage to break that back and forth pattern with drugs and mental problems. I have been off lithium, down to 0.4mg/day of bupre and very anxious to be done with that sneaky motivation killer for good. Haven't set a quit date but it could be as soon as next week when I have a doctor's appointment. So far no manic symptoms. Went through a few grams of MDMA in the hopes of fixing the opioid coldness but it woke up things in me I had forgotten like love for making music, the sciences and a feeling of being 'awake' again. Those things are infinitely more interesting than drugs and killing time at the computer forever. It's also making me want to socialize but I'm too far gone to rebuild anymore, in this place anyway. I guess everyone needs other people but I don't see that happening anymore. Too many fuckups and drug memories in one place and I really can't feel their presence anymore.

But I've been here before. It can last a few months but it always ends in the same thing, boredom. Or rather a lack of purpose. I'm cause-driven and totally lack any long term planning skills until I actually get involved in something. I doubt it's the drugs, been that way since the dawn of my self-awareness. I was a dedicated straight A nerd who channeled everything into studying until I found substances that let me take a break. I had grand plans when I realized (or was told) we were in the age of computer pioneers and coding wasn't as hard as people made it out to be, but then nothing happened. I'm not a proactive person, couldn't find any direction and just drifted away from everything. That's what it ALWAYS ends in, I can't stand the mental downtime. Unless I take drugs, I need constant amusement and there's none to be had from hanging around my old 24/7 poly friends or people who never look beyond their world or explore their existence. There's just nothing to talk about. I need to get into a natural science, learning about them is one of my oldest addictions (I am genuinely thirsty for knowledge when I'm 'myself') and I'm pretty sure I have the potential to understand. The problem is, I first dropped out of society during high school, which I barely finished with shitty hangover grades. After that it was just downhill in random schools, based on how much student loan I could get and how good their IRC/MUD options were. In a nutshell I can't stand people IRL in large doses unless I WANT to be there. Back then I could still handle them a bit better.

So now I'm 32, unemployed and uneducated even though I've had every privilege of a welfare state available and people who used to try to help. The quickest route I can see to start a higher education is to do about a year's worth of classes which people normally take at half my age before being able to apply to a university. Open university can be joined whenever, but in practice having the basic knowledge fresh in memory is required for learning more. Maybe it sounds lame to some but even the amateurish exploration of the unbelievable complexity and beauty of the universe, discussing it with like-minded insomniacs, seeing for myself how progress is accelerating in all fields of science/technology and living in this possibly last stretch of purely natural human evolution is what has kept me going for years. That stuff is probably interesting to most introverts since the picture we have of the universe only resides in people's minds, we can't directly observe most of it. As long as I don't get proper training I will never be able to contribute much or be happy with myself and thus have no way to break this loop of apathy. Drugs are just too easy when you feel crap about yourself all the time and then you get a chain reaction.

I'm posting in the hope that someone else has gone through this (rarely being satisfied without a stimulating activity when sober), maybe even gotten past it and can tell me how to grow some self-discipline and finally get somewhere in life. All these years on drugs have made me timid and that's the last thing I should be. I want to do it but don't know how to even begin. I have nothing left that I care about except what remains of my mind and if this fails I'll run out of years before I have time to learn anything. This is the point where it always starts falling back apart again. Maybe I've chemically abused myself stupid and will fail anyway but I know for certain that right now nothing else seems 'worth it'. Besides, then all these looong posts I write might then have more point to them

Peace and prosperity to all good-willed folk from the land of the midnight sun!

 

[Cyc]

I won't lie, being in University and taking undergrad courses as a thirty-something can be an alienating experience at first. You will be painfully aware that your new peers have a fraction of the life experiences, and have taken few, if any of the mental journeys that you've endured.

But if you can remove some of the social barriers that you impose on yourself, and truly open your mind to the material, then University as an adult is probably one of the most fulfilling experiences that you can have. Because despite the privileged, full-ride-from-mommy-and-daddy teenagers, you actually have a lot of bright and motivated people around you, who are kind, generous and willing to chat.

As for the drugs, I can't really counsel that. I struggle myself at times between living a normal, sober life, and dabbling in booze and RCs, and it's not always easy. I'd be a hypocrite if I told you it was as easy as just quitting, and not doing it. I think that no matter what, you definitely need to discipline yourself, and prioritize your work before the play. This can be difficult when you're getting off a 3-day bender, your mind and body are screaming, and you have to crack a book and do some exercises for tomorrow's class. But that's part of the balancing act. I think if anything, you need a cooling off period while you get going on this, because the entry process is the toughest part to navigate, and the transition to higher learning can be challenging if you're not used to it. But shit man, if you're smart and committed, you will succeed.

I definitely encourage you to take the steps needed. You might think of maybe applying as a mature student, and skip the upgrading. Just do it. Start making phone calls and make it happen.

 

[ColdNorth]

It would probably be a worse experience in every way without social skills, I hope the feel for it comes back. It could be more a result of avoiding drugs than avoiding people themselves but most of it is self-imposed like you said. The world feels unreal, it's hard to describe but what better time to work on it than summer. It wouldn't be the first fog to suddenly lift.

Thanks for the advice. I'll ponder my options while I sweat off all the poisons, even considering taking a couple of months at a rehab clinic even though I'm practically done with the drug part already. Learning to get back into normal rhythm and to focus for several hours is the harder part.

 

[TJ5]

You sound like me not having the ability totolerate life, especially people well without chemical aid. Although Im not bipolar, Ive always had ADD real bad since I was a kid & it can be rough. Like you, I spent more than half my life on dope. I got clean and sober off everything 2 yrs ago, went to NA, and I noticed that totally clean I lacked the ability to sit and write for more than a couple paragraphs. I had to be up and doing something constantly or I'd get bored quick and it sucked. Fast forward 2 yrs since oficial relapse on meth, only now Im a maintainance user. The shot I take b4 work is just enough to be normal and engage myself without being unable to concentrate. So I feel ya. Its a tough balancing act tryin to integrate dope without wanting more, but the last 6 years Ive had the security of a steady job and Im not willing to give that up. Im already 46, I cant go back to drifting from job to job and place to place. Hard experience has taught me this. As for your education, shit there are tons of Uni classes you can take online! I don't advise struggling with the social aspect right now if you dont have to. Get your w/ds or whatever and your education courses you can take online at home and learn some good study habits, THEN the social aspect. Thats what Id do anyway. Peace. Hope it works out. Life can be such a damn struggle. .

 

[ColdNorth]

You sound like me not having the ability totolerate life, especially people well without chemical aid. Although Im not bipolar, Ive always had ADD real bad since I was a kid & it can be rough. Like you, I spent more than half my life on dope. I got clean and sober off everything 2 yrs ago, went to NA, and I noticed that totally clean I lacked the ability to sit and write for more than a couple paragraphs. I had to be up and doing something constantly or I'd get bored quick and it sucked. Fast forward 2 yrs since oficial relapse on meth, only now Im a maintainance user. The shot I take b4 work is just enough to be normal and engage myself without being unable to concentrate. So I feel ya. Its a tough balancing act tryin to integrate dope without wanting more, but the last 6 years Ive had the security of a steady job and Im not willing to give that up. Im already 46, I cant go back to drifting from job to job and place to place. Hard experience has taught me this. As for your education, shit there are tons of Uni classes you can take online! I don't advise struggling with the social aspect right now if you dont have to. Get your w/ds or whatever and your education courses you can take online at home and learn some good study habits, THEN the social aspect. Thats what Id do anyway. Peace. Hope it works out. Life can be such a damn struggle. .

The balance you've found sounds a lot more realistic to expect than magically being able to drop everything. That must take some epic self control on your part, I can feel the pull of meth after just one session. Comforting to know it's possible!

Anyways, haven't been completely idle since posting. Today is the day I go to see my psychiatrist with my plans and hopefully my last opioid prescription ever. Started a Paleo diet and high intensity workouts, I was surprised to find it makes me feel good even after only just starting and I'm in a smoker's shape physically. Generally nothing feels too interesting atm but sitting around doing nothing seems to have lost some of it's priority so that's promising. Asking for l-DOPA to help quit bupre, maybe that will help speed things up in the motivation department.

Diet, excercise, supplements and talking to people are all new factors here. So far, so good.

Thanks for your insight, something to think about. And good luck to you as well. =)

 

[Asclepius]

Hey Cold North!

There is parts of your OP that I could identify with, especially regarding the personality. I too am very 'cause-driven' and feel completely redundant and inert if I dont have a clearly defined purpose, I believe in, to carry out.

You seem to be really actively making healthy changes in your life, for yourself, am so glad for you.

Best of luck with the Psychiatrist CN and let us know how you are getting on?

 

[ColdNorth]

So I ran out of momentum, so to speak. Psychiatrist put me on sodium valproate and didn't mention the MANY side effects even though he knew that's my main concern. Shortly after starting it, I woke up one morning wanting to kill myself. Finally calmed down with whatever I could find around the house but I had to take a lot of bupre. Some days later (I stopped counting) the feeling hasn't gone anywhere. One moment everything is fine, the next I want to end all life on the planet, the next I'm laughing my ass off and so forth. Instant up/down/sideways/asdfsg. But mostly I've just given up.

Today I got some supplies so I could shoot the rest of it and have been sitting here reading about how to minimize the risks. I've avoided IV for a long time so I'm a bit clueless. Seems there's not much point in injecting temgesic pills though so I don't know what the fuck to do now. Can't afford any better opiates, can't afford anything. I was hoping to stretch what I have left a little longer with IV. A week from now I'll be out of bupre and I fucking dread the thought of going back to what it was like before that. I'll be able to afford things just fine once I get back into that mentality. It really narrows down the list of what money is good for. I've collected enough material stuff since quitting to keep me going for half a year and a currently idle cash generator I won't mention here since I think it's against the rules. The only legitimate way to get bupre anymore is to have a history of IV use and then wait months to get on 'the list'.

I can't stand being conscious, I just want this cacophony in my head to end. I tried to post here in the suicide thread and in general when this happened. Wrote out many posts but I felt like I'd just be attention whoring or wasting everyone's time so they just piled up as .txt's on my desktop. It takes a certain lack of inhibition to post anything whiny for me and I regret it afterwards. Hoped to talk about it with someone IRL but there's nobody to talk to. I really wanted to quit but it's too late. I've used up all the other options and worn out my welcome in this whole shitty country. So I have a week to figure out a source and a way to support the habit which is pretty unlikely considering I can't even get myself out of the house anymore.

This sucks, life has been infinitely better in the last 15 months than for a long time before and I'm convinced I have a legitimate reason to self-medicate. You know, to prevent dying. I'm done fooling myself into hoping for anything better. I just want to drown the noise. I'm out of things to say but thanks for the encouragement handed out here on BL, it really does help a lot.

 

[suessmayr]

It's clear to me in reading your post that you're an intelligent and insightful person. I think you should absolutely get off to uni - do whatever you need to to get in. And you're no way too old. I'm 23 and pretty much every course I take at uni has like a dozen 50-65 yr olds. Everyone loves them and there's no segragation. But even if there were; your concern is clearly with the subject matter and not with fraternity, so what does it matter?

S

 

[Bojangles69]

I'll be honest but this is something I've been thinking about a lot myself lately and I've genuinely come to the conclusion that you can not and will NOT break any long term habits just by thinking about them.

So often I would go into these hyper analytical moods like "what is the magic solution?" or "what am I missing that other people have who have actually managed to change their lives around?" and it seems no matter how I try to twist it or manipulate it in my head the answer is always astoundingly simple. I'm missing one thing, the behavoir. That is all. There is no secret. Theres nothing unique or mystical that I need to do first that will somehow allow me to do what I really need to do. There is no process or coming to terms with anything. And if you find yourself trying to come to terms with change its only cause you convinced yourself it has to be difficult.

All you need to do is change your behavoir. Theres no effort involved at all. Its something you do or you don't and if you find yourself "trying to do it" you've already failed. As someone famous once said "the mindset of a failure is one who always tries but never actually does". I truely believe that. And I think every single day matters. You simply wake up and make the decisions you ALREADY KNOW you have to make. I really don't think its ever rocket science. You really just have to stop thinking about it, stop turning it into something that you think will be hard to do. Is what you are doing now hard? Very likely. You don't think so however because its something YOU JUST DO everyday. Theres a good chance theres almost no thought involved. And I find the aspect of change itself can seem like such an uncomfortable thing, that people will convince themselves that its impossible to do. Just because it feels different. But its NOT impossible because people change everyday.

In summation. Just start doing what you know you need to do. And most importantly when you are doing it, if you start to feel awkward like "this isn't me" then ask yourself if the exact opposite is really you. You never really know either way you will notice. All you have is figments of your imagination and what you believe. So thats usually the point I just detach, take a deep breath, keep doing what I need to, and truely understand that those actions are going to take me to a better more happy place. And theres no room for feeling awkward about that type of change imo.

G/luck!

 

[Marauder]

Hey. I can relate to some of the stuff you've written. First off, I don't know if leaving where you are is going to help how you feel overall. Our current level of happiness is very much constant throughout life. It can change with breakthrough experiences (a strong meaningful psychedelic experience, marriage, having a kid, etc.) Also, wanting to pack up and leave is a symptom of depression (funny that most depressed people have this idea.. me included.)

The social skills issue is due to what? You were social on drugs but now cannot be? Social anxiety? On drugs, I feel my "ego" or self-image inflate bigger than everybody else in the room, not in an unnatural way—it's what I feel a normal person who isn't shy would feel like. I meditate on this and on empathy and try to do what I do and say what I say on drugs while I'm sober. "What would I do right now if I was on methylone in this situation?" etc.

For me, I've struggled to socialize, mainly because I have had a hatred for people and other ego issues. The psychedelics changed me a lot (for the good) in this respect, allowing me to see that my "hatred" for people was actually just a mental illness.

I have problems with motivation and depression and I can't function AT ALL without medication for depression and anxiety. The meds work wonders and I wish I had gotten them back in high school. My issues are not drug induced and have plagued me my entire life. I feel as though due to having these issues early on, I never developed any framework or skill for socializing, which I have had to build up only in the past 5-10 years. It takes a very long time but essentially it's just exposure therapy.

30 is the new 20. If you know how to code, you're highly in demand right now. You don't need a college degree to get a job in this field. But there's nothing wrong in going to school at your age. The only way forward is.. forward. The past is gone and the future doesn't exist except as a projection in your head. A projection that mainly stems from the non-existing past you have.

(Also, you don't need a college degree if you can prove your worth to an employer. Keep this in mind.. I got my job because I had a portfolio I made in my free time because my field is my passion. I didn't earn a degree in it.)

I just got out of a 5 year dysfunctional relationship which I'm starting to realize has done serious damage to my psyche. I try to not look at it as a negative (very hard) but more as beginning anew, not from scratch but with years of experience so I can make better choices in my future.

 

[ColdNorth]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I've been trying to wait for this rollercoaster ride to end before saying anything but I might be waiting when snow falls, so:

It's clear to me in reading your post that you're an intelligent and insightful person. I think you should absolutely get off to uni - do whatever you need to to get in. And you're no way too old. I'm 23 and pretty much every course I take at uni has like a dozen 50-65 yr olds. Everyone loves them and there's no segragation. But even if there were; your concern is clearly with the subject matter and not with fraternity, so what does it matter?
S

You're right, it doesn't matter. Thanks for the compliment as well but even if true, they only become useful with some kind of application. The picture you paint of university sounds very good. =)

I'll be honest but this is something I've been thinking about a lot myself lately and I've genuinely come to the conclusion that you can not and will NOT break any long term habits just by thinking about them.

So often I would go into these hyper analytical moods like "what is the magic solution?" or "what am I missing that other people have who have actually managed to change their lives around?" and it seems no matter how I try to twist it or manipulate it in my head the answer is always astoundingly simple. I'm missing one thing, the behavoir. That is all. There is no secret. Theres nothing unique or mystical that I need to do first that will somehow allow me to do what I really need to do. There is no process or coming to terms with anything. And if you find yourself trying to come to terms with change its only cause you convinced yourself it has to be difficult.

All you need to do is change your behavoir. Theres no effort involved at all. Its something you do or you don't and if you find yourself "trying to do it" you've already failed. As someone famous once said "the mindset of a failure is one who always tries but never actually does". I truely believe that. And I think every single day matters. You simply wake up and make the decisions you ALREADY KNOW you have to make. I really don't think its ever rocket science. You really just have to stop thinking about it, stop turning it into something that you think will be hard to do. Is what you are doing now hard? Very likely. You don't think so however because its something YOU JUST DO everyday. Theres a good chance theres almost no thought involved. And I find the aspect of change itself can seem like such an uncomfortable thing, that people will convince themselves that its impossible to do. Just because it feels different. But its NOT impossible because people change everyday.

In summation. Just start doing what you know you need to do. And most importantly when you are doing it, if you start to feel awkward like "this isn't me" then ask yourself if the exact opposite is really you. You never really know either way you will notice. All you have is figments of your imagination and what you believe. So thats usually the point I just detach, take a deep breath, keep doing what I need to, and truely understand that those actions are going to take me to a better more happy place. And theres no room for feeling awkward about that type of change imo.

G/luck!

That's something to think about, it's weird how hard it is to see simple things sometimes. The last 15 months were driven by such motivation that I didn't really stop to think, I just dived in and the majority of those decisions have kept to this day. Perhaps the lack of momentum is because I don't really want what I'm aiming for. The next couple of months will tell. =)

Hey. I can relate to some of the stuff you've written. First off, I don't know if leaving where you are is going to help how you feel overall. Our current level of happiness is very much constant throughout life. It can change with breakthrough experiences (a strong meaningful psychedelic experience, marriage, having a kid, etc.) Also, wanting to pack up and leave is a symptom of depression (funny that most depressed people have this idea.. me included.)

The social skills issue is due to what? You were social on drugs but now cannot be? Social anxiety? On drugs, I feel my "ego" or self-image inflate bigger than everybody else in the room, not in an unnatural way—it's what I feel a normal person who isn't shy would feel like. I meditate on this and on empathy and try to do what I do and say what I say on drugs while I'm sober. "What would I do right now if I was on methylone in this situation?" etc.

For me, I've struggled to socialize, mainly because I have had a hatred for people and other ego issues. The psychedelics changed me a lot (for the good) in this respect, allowing me to see that my "hatred" for people was actually just a mental illness.

I have problems with motivation and depression and I can't function AT ALL without medication for depression and anxiety. The meds work wonders and I wish I had gotten them back in high school. My issues are not drug induced and have plagued me my entire life. I feel as though due to having these issues early on, I never developed any framework or skill for socializing, which I have had to build up only in the past 5-10 years. It takes a very long time but essentially it's just exposure therapy.

30 is the new 20. If you know how to code, you're highly in demand right now. You don't need a college degree to get a job in this field. But there's nothing wrong in going to school at your age. The only way forward is.. forward. The past is gone and the future doesn't exist except as a projection in your head. A projection that mainly stems from the non-existing past you have.

(Also, you don't need a college degree if you can prove your worth to an employer. Keep this in mind.. I got my job because I had a portfolio I made in my free time because my field is my passion. I didn't earn a degree in it.)

I just got out of a 5 year dysfunctional relationship which I'm starting to realize has done serious damage to my psyche. I try to not look at it as a negative (very hard) but more as beginning anew, not from scratch but with years of experience so I can make better choices in my future.

What meds do you take for depression and how well do they work for you? And can you elaborate on the ego issues in case I'm fooling myself?

It has been a while since anything more complex than shell scripts and more archaic languages (LPC, hah) but self-promotion isn't a bad idea. Maybe I'll see what C# is all about and whether I can even make anything useful.

I don't want to leave because I think it will fix everything but to explore things I haven't seen yet, hopefully forge new relationships and see what could be out there for me (which I should have done a decade ago). I know I likely can't pull it off before getting clean either. The social situation is pretty much due to just not getting anything out of people's company. My social skills are fine when needed, except perhaps a little rusty from abstinence and I never needed drugs to enhance them. I consider myself empathic (possibly falsely), can naturally read body language and anticipate people's intentions/needs from little hints. I just tend to be passive and avoid getting close to anyone. It could be just the ego issues you describe but psychedelics haven't changed that for me. I doubt it though, it's hard to forget the sense/feeling I experiened with LSD and MDMA
<edited: please try to refrain from romanticising/glorifying substances, see TDS guidelines, For those who are trying to deal with issues, illuminating this can make things more difficult, thanks> , and I think everybody has value. I simply can't enjoy most people's company even though I want to. No matter how many people I'm with, I mostly feel completely alone. There's nobody to talk to about my innermost thoughts, people just shrug off the things I enjoy thinking about as trivial and expect me to accept the views of the group. Even the people I once considered open-minded. Most are stuck on the same old routine, same world view, same places and activities as 10-15 years ago and I'm sorry but that makes me feel imprisoned. I honestly have this endless thirst for knowledge and I constantly try to make sure my world view is justified, or change it when new evidence comes along. And plenty of it does s progress just keeps accelerating. Psychedelics have done a LOT of good, in my opinion, otherwise, wouldn't even know where to begin.

I just lose my temper in a few hours of spending time with people, it's been like that since ending my benzo abuse. Short fuse and no impulse control. I too came from a 3-year relationship before having that psychotic winter and it played a large part in destroying my social circle. Just the other day I had to turn down an ex-GF from way back with whom things were interrupted before we could see what was really there (due to being afraid I'd just lose my temper with her). I guess she had heard of my disappearance and we started talking out of the blue (only online though). She could really be what I've been looking for but looks like I won't be finding out. That really kicked me down one more notch, I've been hoping to pick up where we left off someday as it was due to external circumstances and sort of just got buried with time.

I ended up not wanting to inject any more pills at least before I get proper filters and bupre didn't even work as well that way as people had me thinking. Keeping the equipment though, might come in handy one day. But this is getting long and boring, text just comes out at this hour. I should write bad novels for a living. For a Finn it's sometimes awkward to talk about stuff but TDS certainly has wonderful people and you've all been great. Much love. =)

 

[Asclepius]

^Have you disussed your anger/impulse control problems with your Doc or anyone else CN?
...seems like this is interfering with your quality of experience?

Personally, I find I can get very irritable and sporadically, am aroused to rapidly anger/rage from time to time; seemingly from out of nowhere and the fear of this has caused me to avoid certain situations and people, even when I feel the need for company- so this has been a weighty problem for me. :/ Its difficult to handle it when it is triggered from a source/event that doesnt seem to justify the intensity of the feeling. Sometimes I dont want to investigate it; lest I realise my own shadow.
However in your situation, the fallout from the benzo's could be a major contributing factor but it can sometimes help to be aware of what internal thought et processes are there, that may be influencing this behaviour.

 

[ColdNorth]

^Have you disussed your anger/impulse control problems with your Doc or anyone else CN?
...seems like this is interfering with your quality of experience?

Personally, I find I can get very irritable and sporadically, am aroused to rapidly anger/rage from time to time; seemingly from out of nowhere and the fear of this has caused me to avoid certain situations and people, even when I feel the need for company- so this has been a weighty problem for me. :/ Its difficult to handle it when it is triggered from a source/event that doesnt seem to justify the intensity of the feeling. Sometimes I dont want to investigate it; lest I realise my own shadow.
However in your situation, the fallout from the benzo's could be a major contributing factor but it can sometimes help to be aware of what internal thought et processes are there, that may be influencing this behaviour.

Yeah, told my doctor but he has no idea. He likes to attribute everything unknown to drug abuse and he could well be right. But I have the same suspicions as I think you're hinting at. Some deep rooted issues I can only guess at, I do have a few theories, none of which are fun..it' so hard to tell even after being off the majority of the nasty drugs for so long, the mind seems like a mess. Don't let the occasionally coherent typing fool you.

I really don't want to be like that and yes, it's really interfering so at least there's motivation to figure it out. Feels like I've made 0 progress this whole time, managed to snap at my CAT a couple of times today. She's in heat and refuses to shut up. Good thing I have a place to put both cats where they enjoy themselves and I get some silence. Their own private hunting grounds. Also been audibly angry at Asus, Line6 and several software vendors..you get the picture. In some twisted way I'll end up finding I'm angry at myself. I've been up about 30h so it's hard to think straight about this now. But it's a good time for introspection when the brain starts to fall asleep bit by bit.

What you're describing sounds exactly like what I mean. Do you have a short fuse especially in the morning? That's the first symptom I can remember, my poor GF of the time took a lot of crap she didn't deserve when trying to wake me up or saying something, anything that randomly set it off. Feels horrible just thinking about it. When with people I can shove minor annoyances aside until they build up, then it's time to leave or snap. Is your experience anything similar? Do you have any (even wild) theories? I won't get offended if you speak frankly, not if I ask for it anyway.

If I get too tired I'll ban myself from posting anywhere until I've slept. The voice of reason still works occasionally. If so, see you when I return to this consciousness.