Bingo, same shit and now with the popularity of 'tussi', ugh...so many ppl abusing veterinary ket with food colorant aswell.
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
Depression How do people overcome survival instinct to kill themselves?
- Thread starter MuertaMan
- Start date
I can't tell anyone IRL how I feel I'll get committed again but I can say with pretty solid confidence I'm gonna check out before my next birthday, funny how the people you should be allowed to tell about thoughts like this are the ones who just punish you by locking you away. My family will maybe cry a bit but I bet even they will be shocked by how little its gonna matter to them, life surely will be easier thats for sure. The entire basis of being able to succeed is having something to look forward to to keep working for and I just don't see anything like that on the horizon. I dont have a wife or kids Im not leaving anyone behind that depends on me so it really doesn't matter whether Im around tomorrow. Im done self medicating with drugs being the only reason to get up in the morning its a pointless existence where Im doing just that "existing", im not actually living and never will. I could have the best woman and millions of dollars fall into my life right now and it still wouldn't change all the problems with my health. If you haven't found your purpose by my age its never gonna happen, I just want the misery to end.
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
How about that post you made about shrooms. They make you feel great, you did great on them and you finally had a life. I know you said your family threw your stash away but can't ya get more? Seems like shrooms, and not death, is your answer.
Do you get meds for your condition and if you do I'm gonna assume none of them help. Did I read somewhere you were on subs, or no?
Do you have an income so that you can maybe get another stash of shrooms and rethink your plan?
I had grown my own back then and don't trust buying from people, the "what if they are the wrong kind" always ruins my trip so I would have to be able to do that again which is impossible where Im at right now. It would be like trying to get away with it in jail without the warden finding out. I appreciate you and anyone who responded to this because just getting it out in the open helps. I really would like to eat a few grams of them now and see how it would effect me since its been awhile since my last trip, thats what bothers me I at least deserve to have one more go at it and see if a trip would turn my life around but I mean thats a minimum of 45-60 days away.
Last edited:
Fuck it though Im done, I dont want to deal with another day of this and i probably won't see many more sunrises, take it easy everyone who ive talked to for the short time ive been here if Im brave enough and not a pussy you probably wont see me posting here again. Unemployed loser with no money and not even the most entry level places will even respond its done I just can't do it anymore. Theres not a single thing any person could do or say anymore to even spark the smallest amount of hope, I just see faces of someone with a good life who doesn't understand when Im talking to a therapist, yeah of course they think life is good they make 6 figures lying to people all day and teaching them nothing. I can sit here with my head cocked to the side with that stupid fake empathetic look and say "now why do you think you feel that way?", I have an appt tomorrow morning with therapy and if Im still here Im telling her that its my last session im done with all of that phony bullshit.
Bravery is staring this life you’ve been given right in the face and taking it head on. You’ve got to have people in your life you care about that will hurt tremendously in your absence. That’s why I would never go despite cancer, drug addiction, chaotic upbringing, etc, even in my darkest loneliest moments I know if I did I’d leave behind some people that gave a shit about me. No matter what you think, I can guarantee there’s someone who truly cares about you.
I hope to see you message tomorrow, I’ve been liking your posts lately and believe it or not.. I’d like to see ya around more so please rest easy.
-GC
thats awfully nice of you to say to a whiny stranger on the internet, thank you I appreciate that more than you know. Ive been sticking around for the same reasons you listed don't want to hurt family but its getting harder and harder. Ive been having crazy ups and downs lately so my posts are probably all over the place. I just need one little thing to keep me going it doesn't even have to be big just something like a job responds back to my applications to have something to do and work towards and things would improve. Hope you are doing well yourself and not going through one of those dark times, sounds like you know a thing or two about feeling like this too.
Heres a good example of why I just can't stand my family/living situation and is driving me crazy. I isolate in my room to avoid their gaslighting but after sitting up in my bedroom all day I dared to come out and make something to eat since I hadn't all day and was starving. All I did was start boiling water to make macaroni and cheese and wouldn't ya know it thats enough to be accused of making poppy tea/kratom tea/or something to do with mushrooms I was accused of it being one of those things just because I had made tea before. Its literally ruining my sanity, its not fair to have to be in fear of doing normal everyday human activities like boiling water or you may have the wrath come down on you for hours on end being called every degrading name you can think of. So now boiling water is on the list of things I cant feel safe doing, along with taking a long shower (are you using the shower to cover up the noise of a lighter?) going anywhere for longer than an hour or getting a phone call. There are many more innocent things that Im not allowed to do or else it will start a fight. Im really getting to my breaking point where Im afraid Im gonna end up in jail or something worse because of all the tension. I can't afford it but Im ready to break the law in order to start smoking crack again its the only thing that really makes me happy, nothing makes me feel happier than when I have a freshly bought eightball ready to cook up. To feel like someone is always watching you breathing down your neck will make you insane, i just don't understand shitty people like that I don't give a FUCK what other people do and I keep my nose out of their business yet its almost like sport for my family to make me uncomfortable.
Senior Moderator
Senior Staff Account
I know this is not what you wanna hear right now because you're feeling a lot of resentment towards your family for being so all up in your business constantly. But, even though they might not be going about it the best way, their watching your every move comes from a place of deep love, care and concern for your wellbeing. It sounds like they're scared, and they really care about you, and hence don't want you using drugs. I know it's really annoying to have them on your back all the time, but that's a far better thing than to have no one who gives a shit about you. Have you tried talking with any of them about it?
See thats the thing, I want to believe that is the reason that they care or are doing it out of concern but when they say things like "you've ruined our family why don't you just go out to the woods and hang yourself it would better for everyone". That hurts particularly because in a moment of weakness and needing to tell someone I told my mother that my health problems and pain have gotten so bad that I have a rope already tied to a strong branch out in the woods and Im scared what I might do and then I "got help" and was committed for a week and have been in therapy with a psychiatrist and drug counseling. For her to take something I told her in confidence and say something like that makes me doubt they are watching me out of love, I want that to be the reason but its hard for me to believe at this point.
That does sound cruel.. No doubt about that. Is everyone in your family like that towards you or just your mother/parents? Sometimes when our family is that dysfunctional it’s best to find a new one through friends. Do you have any good friends you’re close with?
And you’re not whiny man no worries
this is very acceptable problems to be upset about. Keep your head up and hopefully that job pans out soon. How old are you and where abouts you from if you don’t mind me asking?Ya I’m actually going through a divorce right now, also forced to live back with my folks and my brother. Things have been brighter lol. I have to switch back and forth cuz my family are all a bunch of drug addicts (I’m not much better..) and my parents are by far the worst. So I can very much relate. Every day I have to bite my tongue and pray I’ll get out soon.
All that said, I feel free and like this is a new chapter of my life. It’s these dark times that fuel the fire inside to reach for new heights.
-GC
Iceman1216
Bluelighter
There is Massive amounts of Data that has determined that roughly 5% of Suicide are NOT preventable no matter what the treatment. These people are wired that suicide is a rational and logical solution to where they are.
It has been a long time since I have needed to post the data, but it was readily available in Grad school, and over all these years has always panned out. So there is no survival mechanism there to help them prevent the action.
What we are always taught in this circumstance is too work 110% for and on everyone, because no one knows who that 5% is
It has been a long time since I have needed to post the data, but it was readily available in Grad school, and over all these years has always panned out. So there is no survival mechanism there to help them prevent the action.
What we are always taught in this circumstance is too work 110% for and on everyone, because no one knows who that 5% is
My mom is like a dictator so shes manipulated everyone and whatever she thinks about me they tow the line and think the same. There are glimmers of my dad caring like last night when I was being accused for just trying to make some fucking food and he said "you don't know he was doing anything wrong, you aren't inside his head and you can't pretend to know what his intentions are" but whenever that happens she just verbally beats him into submission so that he has no choice but to deal with her shit or just make it easier and go along with it.That does sound cruel.. No doubt about that. Is everyone in your family like that towards you or just your mother/parents? Sometimes when our family is that dysfunctional it’s best to find a new one through friends. Do you have any good friends you’re close with?
And you’re not whiny man no worries
Ya I’m actually going through a divorce right now, also forced to live back with my folks and my brother. Things have been brighter lol. I have to switch back and forth cuz my family are all a bunch of drug addicts (I’m not much better..) and my parents are by far the worst. So I can very much relate. Every day I have to bite my tongue and pray I’ll get out soon.
All that said, I feel free and like this is a new chapter of my life. It’s these dark times that fuel the fire inside to reach for new heights.
-GC
Im too old for this im 37 and yeah I had some friends at work but we lost contact. Im in illinois. Thanks for chatting too appreciate it. Im just tired of being called a loser addict, both my brothers are addicts but when I say "why do you only call me an addict when they are both addicted to shit" and her answer is that they are good people and support themselves so they arent addicts like me. She does that shit on purpose to rile me up. Also said if I killed myself that "we wont have a funeral for you, we will have you burned and throw your ashes in the trash where they belong" just typing that makes me sick. I thought your mom was supposed to care about you not use you as a mental whipping post while your siblings sit around watching and laughing because they get treated perfect. I have no self esteem but you should see how arrogant and over confident both my brothers are, walk around like they are gods gift to everyone and youre just an extra in life and they are a main character and your only purpose is to be there if they need you to do something for them, I mean its plain as day why they have such arrogance and I have no confidence my mom beat it out of me mentally for as long as I can remember. Im angry but more just hurt because I don't know what I did. I feel like a prick for thinking this but if it ever got bad enough for me to "hang myself in the woods" like she taunted me to do instead just to get her back Id do it from the banister so that right when they came home from somewhere thinking nothings different from any other day they would open that front door to be greeted by my dangling feet, maybe hang a sign around my neck that repeats one of her insults like "druggie loser" just to make it hurt more. Try and get that image out of your head "mom", cuz it will be there forever.
Ya sounds like mom is the main issue, at least your dad sees you even if he can’t verbalize it all the time.
You know when I was growing up I got called a drug loser often, in fact I was labeled that long before I even tried drugs. I was always the bad one compared to my step brother who is only 8 days younger than me. When I lost 20$ once when me and him went to get food, of course I stole it. When my little brother who I love dearly accidentally ran into a pole one night they thought I pushed him, kept saying “just be honest with us.” When I lit an incense in my room one night my step dad screamed every nasty thing he could at me cuz he swore we were smoking weed. He swore up and down he saw me putting a roach out as he walked in. I got kicked out for a couple days over that one. Or the time they kicked me out when I was sick as a dog then took my pills and used them.. The list goes on.
Point is this.. Prove them wrong. I was told I’d never have a good job, I run my own business. I was told no woman would ever want me, I spent 15yrs with (until recently) and married a doctor. While my life is far from perfect especially at the moment, I shut them up real quick. Use that anger and resentment as motivation to better yourself in spite of them.
Have you ever worked in the trades? Tons of work in Chicago area and you’re never too old. I didn’t get started until I was 26, only took me 2yrs until I was on my own.
-GC
You know when I was growing up I got called a drug loser often, in fact I was labeled that long before I even tried drugs. I was always the bad one compared to my step brother who is only 8 days younger than me. When I lost 20$ once when me and him went to get food, of course I stole it. When my little brother who I love dearly accidentally ran into a pole one night they thought I pushed him, kept saying “just be honest with us.” When I lit an incense in my room one night my step dad screamed every nasty thing he could at me cuz he swore we were smoking weed. He swore up and down he saw me putting a roach out as he walked in. I got kicked out for a couple days over that one. Or the time they kicked me out when I was sick as a dog then took my pills and used them.. The list goes on.
Point is this.. Prove them wrong. I was told I’d never have a good job, I run my own business. I was told no woman would ever want me, I spent 15yrs with (until recently) and married a doctor. While my life is far from perfect especially at the moment, I shut them up real quick. Use that anger and resentment as motivation to better yourself in spite of them.
Have you ever worked in the trades? Tons of work in Chicago area and you’re never too old. I didn’t get started until I was 26, only took me 2yrs until I was on my own.
-GC
Ive worked in electrical before but my last job was at a pharmaceutical bottling plant, it was a really good opportunity that I shouldnt have taken for granted. I was doing really well until I picked the crack pipe up again i really wish I could go back to that place. Im not certified in any trade though, I can do rudimentary shit like bending pipe, pulling wire, installing lights and outlets etc but only basic things like that. Im really good worker I just look bad on paper, I got employee of the quarter at the pharm bottling job and for some reason I was really proud seeing that stupid certificate on my wall haha, I wish they would take me back but it ended bad I was in the middle of like a 2 day binge on crack and hadnt been sleeping and didn't want to take another sick day (I wish I would have) and thought bring it to work and dipping out to my car to smoke on breaks and this one dude who always fucked with people said the wrong thing and I snapped and it got bad. I really wish I could take back that mistake.
SpiralusSancti
Bluelighter
Pleas explain how it is determined who are those 5%? As from 100 people committing suicide how can you know which 5 would commit suicide no matter what? And to go from there, if you can determine who those 5 are (and I don’t see any way how that could be possible) is there also time-frame when it was expected for them to commit suicide, was there method that’s been expected in those 5 cases and so on..
You can’t make any study that tried everything on those 100 people, and for the sake of imagined science, even if you could, how do you know that if “everything” was tried in some different order it wouldn’t work? You can’t, you just can’t. I’ll give very simple example – SSRIs, sometimes they’ll prevent person from suicide (as many on BL experienced themselves) while sometimes SSRIs will make things worse (as also many on BL experienced) and switching to other meds, sometimes even to other SSRI works wonders; sadly sometimes it’s too late but those are far from example of – nothing could have been done case – but rather case where some other treatment would have worked.
Every suicide that comes to mind (people I have known or people close to people I know) could have been prevented. Even if it could have been prevented by no other way than stopping cause in past (as molestation), but all could have been prevented. Even in case in which person would not killed himself if a partner didn’t left him and kept putting up with his mental illness, again, it could have been prevented, and almost certainly not only on expense of his ex partner. And so on..
Iceman1216
Bluelighter
No one Knows who the 5% are!!
That is why in mental health we give 110% to all people who show need or even concern. Now a days we have a few more options, but not many. We are all wired different , some a little Off, some in Harms way.
Killing ones self is considered not of sound mind. Yet i have work with people that where doing very well, and never to see them again alive. Many are under the influence of substances, to making comit the deed easier to take?? I guess. Yet some where cold sober, and carried out a meticulous plan. Why could we not put that much effort in to life, rather than death??
BTW: I have been on all the meds you mention, and on two as we speak.
I have not drank for 40 years, all help, but tolerance is a real bitch
SpiralusSancti
Bluelighter
I was told by one psychiatrist that drive to commit suicide, in person who gets it is stronger than sex drive, stronger than hunger or thirst but it lasts very short time. Not suicidal thoughts most people get sometimes, many even often but real...I don’t know better english word for it beside intense drive toward suicide. I guess what he told is correct at least for part of population for who K spray works.
I don't want to do this to my family but I know Im not sticking around much longer, wont happen tonight or most likely not tomorrow but I can just tell Ive checked out, the intrusive thoughts are constant telling me its over and whats there to stick around for, constant illness while homeless roaming the streets trying my best to not get murdered or thrown in jail. This pain won't go away,when something has been going on for 5 years it doesn't just stop it either gets worse or at best might stay how it is now which is unbearable but I know from just dealing with it for so long its not going anywhere and not a single dr will even humor me besides "its anxiety all in your head." Today literally felt like a week just like everyday and I'm already dreading waking up to do it again tomorrow. I have virtual IOP tomorrow morning and Im pretty sure I'm gonna quit and also quit my psychiatrist and other counselors. No more games, if I can round up some money Im gonna have one last go with crack because its something I enjoy and want to feel that again before I go.
I think it's mostly about what thoughts you sanction and what ones you choose not to go with. The better road of enduring is always available.