How do i keep on going... Acid attack + PSTD + Loss of hope

[ActiveA]

About 4 years ago i dropped 4 tabs of double strength blotters with 2 mates, one of them proceeded to have a bad trip and he tried to rape my other friend and tried to kill me when i stopped him. I almost broke my forearm and right knuckles fighting him off. I called the cops, i got maced on acid and traumatised to a hell unlike what most people will experience in their life. Period. People say they've been to hell...

I've breathed it, I've had the feeling of the devil sitting on your shoulder, whispering all sorts of chaotic, horrible hells into my ears for so long now that i can't really comprehend what life was like before it was ripped from me. I have been to the depths of the void.

Life isn't the same 4 years on, i constantly struggle with self identity issues, having to reconfirm base level knowledge of myself, for example, i constantly have to remind myself I'm straight, even though i know i am, and have known for a long time, the option has come up multiple times to test out my sexuality but I've got no interest in the other side. But the thoughts won't leave me alone. I can't hold proper conversations unless I'm intensely interested in the person and overall my life is hell. Socially, I'm either as sweet as a kitten or so dark you'd think i was the psycho out of the movie psycho.

They tried to medicate me and all its done is made me worse. Lately I've been rougher as usual as university has pushed me into examining my suicidal thoughts in a manner i never have before. I have sought help, and all that happens is psychologists push me from person to person and i don't get anything but more trauma from having my trust shattered so often.

To put this in perspective, I'm 20, almost 21. Drop acid man, find yourself, you'll learn so much about the world man, this is what they told me, instead it's just been one brutal, fucked up experience after the next. There isn't a day that goes by when i don't relapse into some level of dispair, but that experience has made me so much rougher. This is tough, but I'm tougher.

I'm just sick of this. How do i keep on going, it's been so hard for so long now. Having faith or hope in oneself is becoming almost impossible.

 

[herbavore]

That was a lot of acid to take and the ensuing nightmare sounds horrendous. How are your two friends doing?

Although I understand how going from therapist to therapist could make you lose hope (and trust) I would keep trying. I have been to numerous incompetent (or competent but not a good fit for me) therapists over the years before finding someone that is really helping me with some very deep stuff.

I can hear the frustration and despair in your voice and I know this must be very scary for you. Is there anyone in your family that knows what you are going through?

I really do believe that your brain can heal from trauma. Make sure that you are eating the healthiest diet possible, getting sleep, exercising and taking supplements like fish oil/flax oil and other neurological supports. Once you feel in control of all the basics you can search out different non-western approaches as well. It's your life, so don't sell yourself short--try everything. I've been helped immensely by acupuncture for all sorts of things.

Good luck and keep posting. If nothing else, know that you have a community of people here that care about how you are doing.

 

[sonicwhite]

Hey man, One time I dropped five X pills laced with acid and I freaked out....Went thru a psychosis for 7 months in jail thinking cannabils and zombies where after me....I still have yet to heal from it but, I have gotten better....I was strapped down and shot up in both forarms to sedated me and I thought they where going to chop me up and throw me off the top of the jail. So I know what this type of pain feels like.....Just try to go to therapists....You not losing it rather your healing everyday. You right when you say the world is shown to you in a instance......I went thru a OCD spike five years ago and I thought I was at Gods Judgment and i was about to be sent to hell. The immense anxiety i felt was beyond what we are able to stand but I got thru it and the younger you are the better things will get. You had something bad happen. I know it sucks and you can't change that but, You learn from your mistakes so you can help others.

 

[neversickanymore]

Life isn't the same 4 years on, i constantly struggle with self identity issues, having to reconfirm base level knowledge of myself, for example, i constantly have to remind myself I'm straight, even though i know i am, and have known for a long time, the option has come up multiple times to test out my sexuality but I've got no interest in the other side. But the thoughts won't leave me alone. I can't hold proper conversations unless I'm intensely interested in the person and overall my life is hell. Socially, I'm either as sweet as a kitten or so dark you'd think i was the psycho out of the movie psycho.

Hey im going to throw something out there.. I hope they help and are intended for that purpose only

I have never met someone that has to remind themselves constantly that they are not something... do you think you are gay?

 

[Ozekat]

Hey Active, man I know what you're going through. I've had some crazy traumatic experiences on both LSD and Mushrooms (respectively) and it is a long process of unravelling what truly makes us tick, what truly we are afraid of.....because when we open our minds with psychedelic I really believe it is all inside of us all along, somewhere in our head and it just comes out all at once during an intense or bad trip.

I recall when I was having panic attacks left and right back in oh, say 2008 or 2009....yeah, it was awful!! But one thing I found that helped was grounding with the earth. I don't now what your spiritual beliefs are or anything, but this can really be applied to everyone even if they are complete atheists....anyway, just laying outside on the grass flat on my back when my gut was feeling like I was on a roller coaster, and my head was telling me death was immanent. And I was stone cold sober back then!! I was afraid to even have a beer, terrified of getting high back then. Yeah, it sounds simple but I swear it worked for me when I was going through this "casting off the transient to reveal the true" --(Nichiren) process in my life.

Rocks are really nice too, just being around anything that is solid and reassuring physically.....anyway I'd lay in the grass and relax until the wave of intense anxiety/panic would race through me....and then it was gone. Its almost like we are so hyped up on the amazing reality of existence we let it pull and tug at us. But trust me man, gravity is there for you.

Anyway I don't have to really do these things anymore in a fight/flight response, but my wisdom has helped these kinds of "seeking grounding and connection to the eternity of life" moments to stick with me through the years. I lost a job once because I couldn't stand to be pressured in front of others.....

What do you do now to connect with things that are both bigger and also not you, if that makes sense??? There is so much stuff to take in, but you got to let it out first, and its always is worth it.