How do I get out of this?

[takingmylifeaway]

alright well, here goes... I've been addicted to opiates for about 3 years now. I can probably skip most of how it started, because I'm sure it mirrors about 10000 other stories, except mine started without pain, just a headache, and someone said "here this is called norco", 1 pill... "Hey can I have a couple more", "hey I'll buy your script off you, that'll give me 4 a day"...... flash forward a year... "Hey New doctor, I swear I have a herniated disk, my last doctor gave me 6 norco a day" "ok, here ya go"... now, to the present. I currently take about 10 norco a day, plus 60-80 mg fast acting roxycodone when I can get it ( about 4 days a week). when I blow through my script in 10 days or so, it's on to the bank account, and buying and taking so much vic 750' s that I make myself sick. I find that I am no longer functioning. I am a COMPLETELY different person than I used to be. I don't pay my bills, having my truck repossessed once (got it back) and things shut off on me all the time. The worst part about it is, I'm not even broke! the money is there, I'm just to lazy, or fucked up or whatever to care about anything at all, to even call the 800 number and pay it when I get the notice. I just want to watch TV. I'm a dick to everyone around me, and have zero emotions. I haven't even shed a single year in years, over anything at all. My house is dirty all the time, my grass is several inches long, my mail stays in the mailbox for 3 weeks at a time, My garbage cans stay by the road all week. I used to annoy everyone around me by being perfectionist with cleaning and keeping everything nice. I've always risen to the top of everything I've done in life. I have been with the same construction management company for 8 years, and have gone from an 8 dollar an hour laborer to a 65,000 a year salaried superintendent. This allows me to basically work whatever hours I feel necessary to get the job done (though they expect 30-60 out of me). for months now, I've been working about 5 hours a week, just checking on the trades in the morning, and lying to them, telling them that I have another jobsite to go to, and just going home and sitting. I am a part time firefighter, who excelled quickly up the ranks before the drugs, and have since lost my officer position, and been passed up for promotion to full time (my dream, EXTREMELY hard to get in Michigan) several times because I can't show up in the morning, and when I'm there, I don't want to do anything. I cannot, cannot cannot get out of bed everyday. I have to set my alarm for an hour before wake up time, pop 2 or 3 10 mg norcos, and a half of a 30 mg oxy, and then MAYBE I can get out of bed in an hour or so (half the time). Right now, I still have my job (which I'm supposed to be at right now), I'm still a Firefighter/medic, and I still have my house... I won't have these things another couple months if I continue this, I guarantee it. It's at that point. Nobody in my life knows I'm an addict, or if they do, they keep their mouth shut. They see me take about half of what I actually take, and believe that I am "dependant" because of my fake, made up back problem. I have never said to anyone that I'm an addict until today. but I certainly am. I have tried to quit before, but always because I was out of pills. I've never really made it past the second day of withdrawl before calling every person in my phone (which doesn't include many friends anymore because I NEVER go anywhere), who then calls every person in their phone until I eventually find someone with some opiates! I'm ready to stop, but don't know how. tapering will not under any circumstances work for me. if I have them, I take them. even as my mind screams no as I head for the bottle. "No, no, no, you're only supposed to take 8 today"... the "fuck It" ALWAYS wins out. It's less the physical symptoms that I worry about for a few days, and more the mental depression that I hear can go months and months before being normal again. I have an incredibly supportive girlfriend made of gold, but she doesn't know, and I could never tell her I'm an addict. My dad is on suboxone for the same thing, and has been on it for years. It turned him into an asshole. my mom is truly dependant on drugs, (to many reasons to list, let's just say she's on her 3 rd spinal simulator implant), and always does everything she can to help her son's "hurt back", because she "understands".. I'm going to lose everything guys, and you're the first place I've turned to for help. So, a few questions to help me past the hard part

kratom? I've heard good things, but that it can be another addiction. would it at least get me past needing pills in my pocket?

robotussin? I've heard it can help with or eliminate the withdrawl

st John's wort?

l thyrosine? I've heard this helps, but can't find it at any CVS, Walgreens etc.

one more thing. admitting to my doctor that I'm an addict, I don't feel is an option for me. while I'm sure she would be good about it, I'm still looking for jobs as a full time Firefighter/paramedic, and medical records are looked at hard, I can't have an "addiction specialist" on there.

What else guys? I have been addicted to overdoing everything I've ever enjoyed (good and bad), and the person I was prior (if I can become him again), I think has the ability to be "addicted to feeling good and succeeding".

What can I do to help my body and brain???

thank you so much for your help in advance, I haven't turned to anyone else, and likely won't. What people think of me is more important than it probably should be to me.

 

[DraVee]

Hello TakingMyLifeAway, sounds to me like you have realized the problem and are ready to give up this viscous cycle once and for all. I am in the process of getting clean after a brief relapse (week or so) and I will share some wisdom which has always helped me in the past. I am implementing strategies this time around such as writing down my goals, seeking help via online forums and support groups, and having a very optimistic attitude for the future.
Here is what has helped me kick the habit for weeks-to-months at a time:
EXERCISE- This is crucial for restoring natural endorphin's and cleaning out all those built-up opiate deposits.
SLEEP- If you have to drink some cough syrup or take another form of OTC sleep-aid in order to get some rest, just f***ing do it all ready! At this point, anything is better than taking another opiate before going to bed. There is no sense in tapering down. Embrace the withdraws and use minor OTC alternatives (and NO, Kratom is not a good alternative)
STOP FOCUSING SO MUCH ON THE QUITTING ASPECT- What you should do rather, is focus your time and energy into what you can and WILL be doing with your new found energy you will be receiving after kicking the habit. Your thoughts and actions will no longer be geared towards the high you get from scoring the drugs and actually being high from said drugs. Where will you direct your attention towards now?
REALIZE ALL YOU HAVE LOST FROM A TINY LITTLE PILL
Best of luck my friend. I have strong faith that both of us have already ended this addiction

 

[mrflowers00]

what if you went to a doctor that can prescribe subutex and paid for it out of pocket so theres no trail on your insurance and don't tell anyone about that doctor

 

[theseeker]

what if you went to a doctor that can prescribe subutex and paid for it out of pocket so theres no trail on your insurance and don't tell anyone about that doctor

This exactly, I'm going to see an addiction specialist this week and am going to pay out of pocket. No insurance, no nothing. There's no trail this way. Get yourself to an addiction specialist ASAP. I'm at the point you're at right now. Let's do something about it.

Look at it this way- you can take care of this problem, right now, at a time of your choosing-OR- the problem will take care of you at what will surely be the worst possible time....it always happens at the worst possible time. Opiate supplies always get interrupted, sooner or later. I've learned this painful lesson one too many times.