how do i begin

[allusional]

ok, i have my own drug issues. i'm in what is essentially a bible college and i have no one here to talk to about my use. which i think makes things worse. that is a topic for another day though.

the issue i want to get at is my uncle. he is way alcoholic. the family strategizes about his drinking and how to get him "cured" all the time. i've not watched a&e intervention, dr drew, or like programs yet but i sense that stuff is influencing the family mind set about things as those kind of stuff come up a lot.

i'll call him uncle rex. uncle rex is a super nice guy and really smart. he helps a lot of folks in the family with computer stuff. he quit driving altogether after his second dwi. his rent and drinking money come from some trust fund. he mostly drnks swill, like steel reserve and boxes of franzia. i think he does some odd jobs somewhere as well.

i'm too junior in everything to have much influence on things. my ma & pop and aunts and uncles are going to be making some decisions i think.

one camp wants to cut him off from ever getting rides from anyone or any social contact until he goes to treatment. the other camp just thinks that he has to be mostly sober and coherent, otherwise tell him to sleep it off.

its actually a big throw down between my ma and dad at times. ma thinks you keep channels open, pop thinks you cut him off entirely until he gets dedicated to doing things right and that we hold him to it.

i think i'm way bad at being clear about this as i can picture someday it could be me. uncle rex has attempted suicide twice before that i know of and my personal feeling is that cutting him off could set something fatal off but i picture too not intervening leading to his death.

i'm not going to be a big influence on what happens, but i think i'll be listened to a little. if someone's use is really unhealthy is cutting them off socially likely the best approach? oh, i like my uncle quite a bit even when he is drunk, he gets slurred and silly but not mean. my biggest problem with his drinking is i picture his liver going out or his falling into a table, passing out and bleeding to death.

should i watch all this addiction oriented television some or is it mostly hype? should he be dead to us until he gets with some kind of sobriety program? thanks bluelighters for any answers.

 

[Syrax]

Those shows generally do not promote the message of harm reduction. But that doesn't mean you can't learn something from watching them.

Your uncle doesn't need people yelling at him, telling him what a fuck up he is, threatening him or alienating him any further.

What he does need is a support system that is going to help him get better. I don't think the state he's in is somewhere he truly wants to be. He just can't see a way out.

I also think there are underlying issues that motivate both his alcoholism and his 2 suicide attempts. Those issues should probably be dealt with by licensed professionals.

Keep in mind that if he's a hardcore alcoholic, the withdrawals can be extremely dangerous so it's not reasonable to think that he can just stop drinking. And of course from a psychological perspective it's very hard to just turn that switch off. Especially when alcohol is so accessible and is being used to treat some underlying issue in his life.

He needs help, that's clear. But you want to approach the situation with as much empathy and intelligence as possible. If he's totally committed to drinking like he does, and refuses to stop, cutting off social ties will do nothing good for him. However, it may reduce the stress on your family. And it's a reasonable decision for your family to make if the stress he's creating is more than they can handle.

Ask yourself which of these descriptions fits your uncle...

1) Deep down he really wants to resolve the underlying psychological issues that motivate his drinking. And he really wants to improve his quality of life. But he needs help in order to do it.

2) He's 100% committed to drinking and is totally uninterested in living any other way. He knows that alcoholism will likely end his life prematurely, but he doesn't care, it's how he wants to live.

If #1 is true, you should be able to sit down with him and intelligently communicate the viable options he can pursue to improve his situation, and what needs to happen in order for him to change his life. That is, you need to be able to fully communicate the treatment options he has both for controlling his alcohol consumption and dealing with his underlying psychological issues.

If #2 is true, all you can do is promote harm reduction by not allowing him to operate a motor vehicle while under the influence, maximizing his access to healthcare and whatever else minimizes the damage of alcoholism.

I hope he really wants to improve his situation. If he does, I hope someone in your family is able to intelligently articulate the options he has to get better and has some knowledge of how mental health services can be utilized to improve his situation.

 

[badfish45]

I think you'd be surprised at how powerful your words can be, no matter your age. Do you and your uncle have a strong bond? If so, you just need to show him that his drinking is affecting the family and that you want to help him. It's very difficult to get an alcoholic to quit, it's kind of like opiates, they're only going to quit when they want to. But it's your job to help him as much as you can. I don't advise dropping him where he is, it won't solve anything. If he has excessive drinking issues, all that will do is make things worse for him, not get him to stop drinking. He's going to need his family's support, but only when he is ready. Maybe convince him to see a psychoanalyst for his suicide attempts, and suggest rehab. Don't force him into anything, he's his own person. You can't keep catching him if he falls, or take charge of his whole life, but make sure that you're always there for him. Family is a powerful motivator in battling addiction. Best wishes to your uncle.

 

[effie]

There has been some really good advice given in this thread. It is such a hard decision - as you say, cutting him off could lead to him becoming isolated and could potentially cause him to become very depressed, and there is the worry of suicide.. where as I imagine not intervening almost feels like enabling and it feels like you are just sitting by watching him self-destruct.

Ultimately I think all you can do is let him know that you would like him to stop, and will help and support him if he chooses to do so. Otherwise, if he doesn't want to stop, I don't think it really matters which approach is taken - it won't make a difference to whether he stops drinking or not; as others have said, he has to want stop for himself. Cutting him off could well make matters worse as it isolates him, so that is something to bear in mind, although I think that if you just sit back and do nothing, it is important that he still knows that you all want him to quit. You know him best so I think you will have a gut feeling for how he would react to being cut off and whether this would be damaging or not. I also agree that you may well have more say in this than you think, especially if everyone is at a loss as to what to do for the best, or are stuck at odds with each other over the best course of action..

It's a really good idea to think about it from a harm reduction perspective I think, and to make sure he is as safe as possible if he does carry on drinking, while offering him the support he needs if he wishes to quit.

It sounds like it has having a huge impact on your parents and yourself too - it's a very stressful situation. While it is important to be there for him, it is also important to take care of yourselves and not to feel responsible for his choices and actions. It can be so hard, but sometimes you need to take a step back and accept that you cannot force him to stop, for your own sakes.

I'm really sorry you are in this position, and I really hope your Uncle decided to stop and that you and your family don't let the burden of responsibility wear you all down. Sometimes you have to accept that you can't necessarily fix someone, you can just support them in what they choose to do

 

[Tude]

The cutting-off, from what I see, isn't done for the addict's sake, but for the family's sake. It's a way of saying "Fine. You're an alcoholic. We don't want to be part of that."

 

[Dave]

^ This. It's the lazy, and heartless, way out. Not to mention that it shows a complete and utter lack of comprehension about how addiction works and why it happens.

I'd say: talk to him yourself. He may think that you don't realize that he's an alcoholic, and your telling him that you're worried for him may help to prod him somewhat more compassionately toward treatment. Maybe even suggest an option or two for treatment?

 

[Kipo]

Man, my cousin (though he is an easy 15 years older) is going through the same thing. Its tough, trying to support him for my family. My advice is to always be there for him. Try and convince him to start drinking less and less, or possibly go to rehab. You dad/family/whoever can drop him out of their life, but it dosent mean you have to. Imo, that is the worst thing you can do. What happened to unconditional love? Love the person for who they are, not what they do.