Stimulants How did I let it get this bad again!!

[speedygirl12]

I am disgusted with myself and my lack of self control !! I swore to myself after a 6 week stay in critical condition that I would not ever let it get this far again , although I am extremely cautious and very clean with my works harm Reduction from this site has been truly a life saver and had I been a member before July things may have been different . Endocarditis was a living hell and its one of the most horrifying things Ive ever went through so seriously take everyones advice and dont be arrogant and think you can beat the odds , unfortunately in the world of IV drug we face all sorts of risks and nobody deserves to die over something that can be prevented . Im sorry I know I got off track after being released I thought things were looking up I got back in treatment and got on subs *2 films a day * and I was actually taking them right .

Things were looking up I was more involved in my home life and things were great with my family, I have truly put them through hell . A month or two goes by and I do what I do best I block out the little shit and its not really a problem until it is a huge problem !! I ran straight back into the depths of hell , my love for injecting crystal meth is insane . At first I was scared shirtless to use the needle again after all I had been through but of course I make my way back to it and that first injection done what it does best and now Im right back to injecting crystal meth multiple times a day , using a ridiculous amount and I know the consequences of how things can get bad very quickly but I feel like Im stuck in a rut I know I want more than this , over the last 4 years of my addiction I have nearly destroyed my veins to the point that its a full time job . I just dont know how to get past this or how to move forward . I feel like the weight of the worlds on my shoulders and Im hanging over the edge of a cliff barley holding on !! My reasons for holding on this far is my child hes 6 and my mother that has suffered just as much if not more from my addiction , shes exhausted and shes tired because not only is she taking care of her life and responsibilities shes also taking care of mine and on top of that she fears what every mother of an addict does and that my luck is going to run out . I will not lie I am very careless and have ignored all my health issues do to having endocarditis, and will have to have my valve replaced and I know what I need to do and the risks if I keep going like I am .

My question is whats the thoughts and the potential success rate of getting clean and remaining clean if I do a long term rehab 6 months to one year ? I have spoken to my counselor and we have found place when I decide to take the step . I know its a stupid question and pretty obvious but whats your feedback on what would you consider the best approach for a 15 year addict who has done many different substances but opiates ? now subs? and meth is the two that I have to have. What are my chances of overcoming this and being able to be a functioning adult sober Im sorry I rambled so much as most of the time I feel like Im alone and nobody in my family truly understands although they try and they are very supportive but they dont truly understand the hold that addiction can have . Any suggestions or inputs positive or negative is welcome . Thanks for taking the time to read this .

 

[Hrubenstein]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. Unfortunately addiction doesn?t care that you had endocarditis, you will continue to use until you make serious changes in your life.

I know many people in recovery for a long time. Some with one or two years some with 28 years. There is a large community of recovering addicts, most of them are not on blue light however.

No addict is beyond repair. I understand the feeling of despair and frankly it sounds at this point you have a death wish. But I think you know as well as I do you still have a lot to live for your kid is so young, still young enough where this won?t be part of their memory.

I would recommend trying to find a rehab. Don?t listen to the negativity, focus on positive success stories instead. We as addicts always tend to look at the rehab failures and pay attention to those.

I lost my best friend after he was shooting up again and got his prosthetic valve infected. Cardiac surgeon would not operate again.

I?m over 7 years and 10 months clean and sober here from iv heroin. Feel free to pm me if you just need someone to talk to.

 

[speedygirl12]

Thank you for kind words and positivity!! I sometimes let my depression get the best of me when I should truly be appreciating another day , and although this is absolutely the most difficult battle I?ve ever faced I know that if I pick myself up and fight that I can make it through this especially with the support from my family and people like yourself . I am truly sorry about your friend , that?s my biggest fear because after having endocarditis and seeing the damage it can do and it?s very risky to pick up the needle again .

I have accepted the fact I cannot do this own my own and nobody wants to go to rehab and leave there home but I know if I make the choice and stay home and continue to keep using the way I am I will be permanently away from home . I think my biggest issues come down to those who say they care and are your friends but they are the very ones that throw it in your face when your trying to stay clean but I have went on a blocking spree and really considering doing away with Facebook.

I have group in the morning and we?re going to go over my options with placements so I am going to take the leap and do treatment to give me a better chance . I?m not sure if it?s allowed but if so I would like to ask you a few questions about your friend that passed and if your not up to talk about it I understand .

 

[Hrubenstein]

You can?t do this on your own. Sounds like you?ve been trying and it has not been successful. Addiction lies to you and tells you you can do it alone, but that will just become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I still have family members throw things in my face but that?s ok. I hurt them. People won?t be so forgiving just because you decided to change your life. You should do it for you not to please other people.

You can ask me anything. It was a sad case but he did it to himself.

 

[speedygirl12]

No I have not been successful. I also get very frustrated when I start to come down and although I?m not the kind of person that likes to fight but I get to we?re I verbally attack those around me that love me and say things that are rude and hurtful and I have no idea why . It?s like I turn into someone who I don?t know but it fades for the most either after sleep or using .

I think that another good thing that will come of treatment is that I will have time to work on me and get to the core of what it is that causes the relapse and learn to love myself .

My question well questions is did he have the surgery right when he found out? How long after the valve replacement was it before he started having complications and what was some of the complications? Was it a painful death as in breathing problems and pain ? I?m sorry if some of the questions are to much and if it?s something you don?t want to answer I understand . I am asking because I have some health issues from my experience such as these little faint chest pains it will go as fast as it comes , my blood pressure runs good but my pulse tends to run high like 108-120 but could be from meth too , I?ve noticed a difference in my breathing as well , before being discharged the cardiac surgeon and another doctor said at the moment I didn?t have to get the surgery but I would and that it?s best to wait until it was absolutely have too . He also suggests a rehab either before or after because they will only fix it one time and that prosthetic had more of a chance of infection .

 

[crystalM]

they say idol time is the devils play thing, I don’t think the desire will go away since it’s a chemical addiction, have you tried doing yoga and meditating on a daily basis? This will bring a sense of calm and clarity, desiring to use is also a thought, with practise in meditation and yoga, may help you observe the thought to use, then let the thought pass while you focus on breathing and calming remedies, I wish you happiness and do hope you manage this challenge with some new actions, perhaps long term rehab, but you have to want to stop totally, once you make the conscious decision to stop, then have tools that you do each day that help you to not mainline.

 

[Xorkoth]

Recovery from addiction is a lifelong process. However that initial period of getting off the drug and reintegrating your life is the hardest step. My best friend was on meth for 2, 3 years (not sure exactly how long). He ended up almost constantly psychotic for the last year and a half, it was horrifying for me and those around him. Finally he agreed to go home to his parents and do a rehab, in a period of not being able to get any and being homeless. He did outpatient and could not keep off drugs, though he was a little better. Then he did a 3-month inpatient rehab, complete with family counseling and stuff to help his family and he better understand each other. He's been totally clean about a year and he still can't remember what stuff was real and what wasn't, but he's pretty much back to his normal self, it seems to me, and is still sober. Those long rehabs, if it's possible for you, are great because intensively force your life into structure and force you to not do drugs. The more time that goes by, the more you come out it, especially when people are teaching you techniques for combating cravings and getting back into the regular world.

Good luck.