How did I get here?

Prayforpills

Greenlighter
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Oct 21, 2016
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I joined this website around a month before Halloween of 2016. I posted a very ignorant question about IVing suboxene, which I just looked over a minute ago and was astounded of how uneducated I was and how another user had commented saying to stop while I was ahead and not get into IVing. I truly do wish that I would have looked back on that post and maybe it would have gotten through to me, because back then I never could have predicted I'd be where I am now. I should of known, yet I was ignorant to the life of opiate addiction and how easily you could become addicted and how quickly it could destroy your life....

So, a lot has obviously changed since that post. Basically, I was inquiring about some injuries that I had got while IVing suboxene when filtering with cotton (stupid, i know) and spoke of how I picked up the habit with a boyfriend and his best friend. They were long time users.
I was using a decent amount of drugs casually while heavily drinking for a good few years before meeting them, yet I had never IVed any nor even ever thought about it. Needles made me cringe and I could barely get my blood drawn without feeling sick and almost passing out. I find myself one night with my then-boyfriend's best friend trying to convince me to try shooting up coke with him. I object, saying I'd rather snort it while he insists I must! shoot up because it feels much more amazing then snorting it. like "nothing I've ever felt before" I'm a curious person and eventually I just sort of cave. My depression is extremely bad at this point and my alcoholism didn't help. I can't even look as he injects me, and he's shaking a storm from the coke he injected earlier. It was an extremely painful experience, yet the feeling after he finally gets it.... it felt at the moment to be one of the best decisions of my life yet ended up being one of the worst.

I'd never used opiates besides hydros before meeting them. The best friend of my then-boyfriend ended up dying a month after that post from an overdose of heroin and xanax that is believed to be intentional. The then-boyfriend gets me to use h with him the night of the death, insisting it's the only way to feel better. I do because I was crying for hours and desperate to avoid the situation. I only use 3 times before the then-boyfriend goes back to his home state. His best friend's mom begs me to not get into heroin. To stop now and have a chance at life and to leave my then boyfriend, who she says is troubled. I do leave him and discontinue using.

I was sober for 7 months shortly after and never thought I'd use again. Met a former user, started dating him, and he relapsed and I did too. Got really bad into my addiction with him for six months, where we really did nothing besides use all day and never really went out bc he seemed to have never want to. we were both getting really unhealthy, especially him. One night when he found out he was getting evicted (bc of needles everywhere in his apt) and we were fighting and i was hinting around at ending our relationship he threatened to try to kill himself and then took a whole gram and shot it, and fell out. I used narcan on him and he fell out again after 20 mins so I had to call the ambulance. The whole thing was pretty overwhelming and I convinced him to go back to his homestate california and get help. He did.

I ended up getting back with the first ex who's friend died after he lied about having a sober place and since i was trying to be sober, he said "I could live there rent free until I got a job"! Also said he was offering as a friend since I did not want to date. He ended up not being sober and was strung out passed out on the bathroom floor when I arrived and he ended up trying to get back with me which I fell for. We ended up using another 7 months and he was emotionally abusive and awful. I wanted to get sober towards the end of it and he kept ruining any chance I had since he was using behind my back and I'd find needles hidden everywhere. He constantly stole from me to support his addiction. I finally left him after he went from emotional abusive to physical and tried to strangle me to death during an argument which left a red mark on my neck, and in an effort to feel emotionally distant from myself after all the hell and emotional drain I endured by foolishly sticking around for all that, I kept using by myself or with friends. Although I know I also used it as an excuse. I feel useless at this point and defeated. I've been using for over a year now with short moments of sobriety. I'm still using, often alone yet sometimes with my best friend. I'm fully addicted to heroin and I don't know how to stop or even how to start picking my life back together ever since it derailed into a self perpetuated hell I lived in while constantly shooting myself up with heroin in whatever co dependent relationship I found myself.

So I'm 25 now. Finally went to rehab 30 days. Didn't get much back emotionally, just got physically better a bit. Went in at 104 ibs. I'm a 5'5" female so that's pretty underweight. Came out over 20 ibs fatter, at my regular weight of 124 ibs because there was not much to do there besides eat. I went back home after they failed me pretty badly and didn't help me set up an IOP so i could move into sober living and then I just relapsed and now I'm strung out alone and feeling completely depressed and unmotivated. I'm strung out typing this knowing anyday I'm going to use too much and end up overdosing since I keep using alone and I don't even know if I care anymore or how to even care anymore.

If you actually read through this and can relate at all, I applaud you and let me know. So anyways, that's my story of how I became a junkie. I don't think I've ever felt so alone :(
 
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Hey i can relate. I'm 25 years old as well & while not heavily addicted to opiates (tho i use frequent enough to get mild withdrawals if i dont use for a couple days) i do any drug, mainly benzos, meth, and heroin. But I'll take any opiate. I also will get drunk if i can't get anything usually from lack of funds. I started casually trying and using different drugs at 18 and each year it's as if I've got progressively worse. I have a legit anxiety problem as well & don't like socialising much if I'm sober. Now I'm 25 just got a part time job at a fast food place living at my dad's on his living room floor. I'm not happy. I was left by my ex girlfriend of 2 years recently and that's only adding to the depression. I pray something is going to change that could turn my life around but honestly I'm not going to hold my breath. I ask the same question, how did i get here? Also where did all the years go? Sigh..if you ever want to talk feel free to message me. I wish you the best as well i can see you have been through a lot.
 
Hey i can relate. I'm 25 years old as well & while not heavily addicted to opiates (tho i use frequent enough to get mild withdrawals if i dont use for a couple days) i do any drug, mainly benzos, meth, and heroin. But I'll take any opiate. I also will get drunk if i can't get anything usually from lack of funds. I started casually trying and using different drugs at 18 and each year it's as if I've got progressively worse. I have a legit anxiety problem as well & don't like socialising much if I'm sober. Now I'm 25 just got a part time job at a fast food place living at my dad's on his living room floor. I'm not happy. I was left by my ex girlfriend of 2 years recently and that's only adding to the depression. I pray something is going to change that could turn my life around but honestly I'm not going to hold my breath. I ask the same question, how did i get here? Also where did all the years go? Sigh..if you ever want to talk feel free to message me. I wish you the best as well i can see you have been through a lot.

I have pretty bad anxiety too, so I can relate to that. I used to abuse my own xanax for a minute although I did not like the black outs and it didn't really make me feel better. So I ended up selling my scripts to fund my h habit since I lost my job in active addiction. I always wonder where did all the years go and can if i can make up for time lost too. I'm trying to go to a sober house soon if I can. Have you ever tried a program? (Idk if you're trying to get sober or not)
 
I have pretty bad anxiety too, so I can relate to that. I used to abuse my own xanax for a minute although I did not like the black outs and it didn't really make me feel better. So I ended up selling my scripts to fund my h habit since I lost my job in active addiction. I always wonder where did all the years go and can if i can make up for time lost too. I'm trying to go to a sober house soon if I can. Have you ever tried a program? (Idk if you're trying to get sober or not)
I'm not technically i guess trying to get sober yet. But the past few months it's been on my mind where it never was before. So i guess that's a step in the right direction. I live in Arizona and the summers here are so hot and there isn't much to do in my city but drugs so I'd have to move away if i really wanted to get sober. Do you have the insurance to goto a sober house?
 
I'm not technically i guess trying to get sober yet. But the past few months it's been on my mind where it never was before. So i guess that's a step in the right direction. I live in Arizona and the summers here are so hot and there isn't much to do in my city but drugs so I'd have to move away if i really wanted to get sober. Do you have the insurance to goto a sober house?

I'm using right now so I'm often conflicted about the sobriety thing too yet I know I won't live much longer should I consider to use the way I do. Yes I do have insurance, however, I only have it until around the beginning of next year because I'll turn 26 and lose it since it's my father's insurance plan. I feel you about the heat though, I live in Texas so it also gets to be around 100 degrees and I feel bored because I won't want to go out. I actually met a lot of people from Arizona in the rehab I went to in Colorado, so I guess it's a popular place for drugs and also a lot of people want to leave it, haha. I'm trying to move back to Colorado bc the weather is so much nicer. I figure if I live in a sober house it'll buy me time to find a place there and they help you with employment so it's not a bad idea if you're ever considering one.
 
Man, everyone who gets hooked on opiates has someone tell them to turn back, and everyone thinks, for some reason, that they'll succeed where no many have failed. Such a similar story, and I'm sorry it's happened to you. :\ Happened to me, too, almost 15 years ago. The good news is, you CAN get better. I've been clean from opiates for 4 and a half years and it's not even something I think about anymore nor has it been for a long time. Of course, it took until I was almost 31. Age 20 to 31.

Well, this forum is here for you. <3 Don't beat yourself up, just move forward.
 
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