How did i become such a doormat?

I hate that I've gotten so jaded. By friends who were not friends, boyfriends who were not in it for as long as I thought they were or who had other motives, by getting stuck in the legal system and misdiagnosed as mentally ill... by things I've done that other people judge when they have no right to. i used to be a lot more ambitious and always doing things.

Somehow I feel I've given up like my life is supposed to be this boring, useless rut. I am not asking for pity. I hate that I am like this, and I do things to change but then I'm SCARED of them, and I never used to be SCARED. I really think my jail and rehab experiences seriously hindered me a LOT more than I ever thought they would. This is like the only place I can say what I really think and read people who are like me or who get me.

Sad that I'm 34 and this site is my current place to think things out... I've gotten so easy to intimidate, I never was like that, ever. I really hope to get past this.

 

Fear is common but many of us simply won't admit it or they aren't putting the right name to it.

Fear has been a part of my life for a very long time. Sometimes its beneficial (but rarely) and finally, as I face my fears, i realize that it was all just smoke and mirrors in the firat place.

(Simon!!!!!!!! Its so good to see you back!!!!!! )

 

And besides, a lot of people use BL as their sounding board/support system/surrogate friends. Nothing to be ashamed of there. You're in excellent company here; pull up a chair and stay awhile.

 

Thanks for the comments, they really help. I think I WILL pull up a chair and join here for awhile %)