bluntedskier
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2009
- Messages
- 192
I am FINALLY seeing a new, very highly acclaimed and (insanely expensive) doc in a week or two to try and get a second perspective/opinion/evaluation on the whole situation.......
Long story short: I have been seeing this guy, super personable, as in like, I can actually text him I want and he will (usually) get back to me about a prescription or whatever is going on. I think that's pretty rare? I know he really does want the best for me, and is CONVINCED I am bipolar (due to just a string of things like getting kicked out of a ski academy/prep school, getting sent to one of those insane wilderness programs, getting in trouble with the police (minor things... all dropped), etc) So I have been on Lithium for a while. I feel like it dulls me in general and makes it harder to be creative/productive - which is what I depend on in life....
But to the major issue and main point of all this.... I started suffering from really bad general anxiety (anxiety without a specific cause?) about a year and a half ago. The last 2 years have been really bad for me for multiple reasons... so any number of things could of triggered this. Personally I don't really understand it at all.
Anyways, around mid-last summer, this anxiety progressed to such a severe level that I had a couple real panic attacks (thought I was dying, rushed to ER etc), where he finally gave in and realized I needed to be put on a benzo.
I began being perscribed to Xanax XR around July 4th of last year.
Now: fast-forward to close to a year later.... I am still taking the XRs, and have to take a minimum of 3 of them a day (6mg) in order not to have w/d, anxiety/panic.
Some days, especially after doing things that I know are detrimental to me (drinking occasionally, taking adderall for work), I'll take as much as 10-12mg of xanax XR.
Sadly, these are like skittles to me. I never "feel" a thing from them.
Here's what is the fucked up part.... I voiced my concern heavily the other day to my psychiatrist about the extreme and dangerous level of physical addiction I am at now. However, he is completely non-chalent about it..... claims that if "hypothetically you had to go cold turkey, you would indeed suffer heavily, maybe even call the hospital at the very worst.... but you would not die... you wouldn't even have a seizure, trust me... it would be hell but you would eventually beat it and be fine"
NOW I don't know what you guys think, but for this Harvard guy who I (or my father to be fair...) is paying *snip* out of his pocket for each of these 45 minute sessions..... [this private practice is out of network] I think THIS IS SOME STRAIGHT BULLSHIT .
Small example..... the other day I had one xanax XR (2mg) when I woke up pretty early (around 7-8am)..... that is enough to make most people relaxed/anxiety free all day long. Let me repeat that again... I had TAKEN 2mg of xanax.
The day went on and I just kept procrastinating driving to CVS (I live in one of the hardest/worst places to drive in the United States) to get my prescription filled. Around late afternoon, I started feeling "weird". I know this feeling all too well. It means time to pop another XR. Well, I just kept being ADD getting distracted, having sex with my gf in the shower... not finding the outfit I wanted to wear etc.... and then it hit me pretty bad. I knew I needed to get that script asap.
Now remember this is only approx 9-10 hours after NOT taking an XR....... As soon as I got in my car and began navigating the insane side streets and 1-ways to get into the main Square, my panic w/d began to come on stronger to the point where I started freaking out. Blasting my horn in non-moving traffic, doing a (baller ass) super illegal U-turn on Harvard St - where a cop (facing the opposite direction across the 4-way intersection) actually put his lights on and began to try and turn around to come after me.
When you are in this state of panic or withdrawal or whatever the fuck it is scientifically.... nothing else mattered to me but getting to that godamn CVS. So thank god I have a nice car and mobbed back off into some side streets like a maze... somehow losing him. (I would never, ever run from a cop!)
Although I don't think I've actually ever had a seizure, I started to have this horrible feeling where I felt like I was about to lose control of my motor functions and start shaking, my reality was all distorted etc...
Sorry for writing so much... got carried away after taking this Vyvanse haha... but yeah it was no joke. I made it to the CVS, and I almost cried after thinking about it.... how this drug has become to CONTROL my life.
Imagine seeing a young, well dressed, friendly, smart looking normal kid at the Pharmacy in the second floor of this CVS sweating face, trembling, pacing back and forth... even trying to bribe one of the Pharm techs with a *snip* bill to hurry up and fill it right then (did not work).... and then after literally whipping a *snip* bill at the chick at the checkout and ripping apart the perscription and chewing up 3 2mg XR pills in front of everyone, no water or anything.....
This is not me. I know I can get off of Xanax.... I just believe that it has to be done the professional and extremely slow and monitored way: tapering by tiny amounts using a very specific chart.... probably taking up to a year in all reality.
To think all I needed before was a little ganja, some powder or a terrain park and my skis.....
I'm going to my apartment in Paris soon for a while and pretty scared about this situation.... He's going to have to give me like a huge ass bottle because I am NOT GOING THROUGH THAT SHIT ESPECIALLY in another country.
/rant/end/thank you
Long story short: I have been seeing this guy, super personable, as in like, I can actually text him I want and he will (usually) get back to me about a prescription or whatever is going on. I think that's pretty rare? I know he really does want the best for me, and is CONVINCED I am bipolar (due to just a string of things like getting kicked out of a ski academy/prep school, getting sent to one of those insane wilderness programs, getting in trouble with the police (minor things... all dropped), etc) So I have been on Lithium for a while. I feel like it dulls me in general and makes it harder to be creative/productive - which is what I depend on in life....
But to the major issue and main point of all this.... I started suffering from really bad general anxiety (anxiety without a specific cause?) about a year and a half ago. The last 2 years have been really bad for me for multiple reasons... so any number of things could of triggered this. Personally I don't really understand it at all.
Anyways, around mid-last summer, this anxiety progressed to such a severe level that I had a couple real panic attacks (thought I was dying, rushed to ER etc), where he finally gave in and realized I needed to be put on a benzo.
I began being perscribed to Xanax XR around July 4th of last year.
Now: fast-forward to close to a year later.... I am still taking the XRs, and have to take a minimum of 3 of them a day (6mg) in order not to have w/d, anxiety/panic.
Some days, especially after doing things that I know are detrimental to me (drinking occasionally, taking adderall for work), I'll take as much as 10-12mg of xanax XR.
Sadly, these are like skittles to me. I never "feel" a thing from them.
Here's what is the fucked up part.... I voiced my concern heavily the other day to my psychiatrist about the extreme and dangerous level of physical addiction I am at now. However, he is completely non-chalent about it..... claims that if "hypothetically you had to go cold turkey, you would indeed suffer heavily, maybe even call the hospital at the very worst.... but you would not die... you wouldn't even have a seizure, trust me... it would be hell but you would eventually beat it and be fine"
NOW I don't know what you guys think, but for this Harvard guy who I (or my father to be fair...) is paying *snip* out of his pocket for each of these 45 minute sessions..... [this private practice is out of network] I think THIS IS SOME STRAIGHT BULLSHIT .
Small example..... the other day I had one xanax XR (2mg) when I woke up pretty early (around 7-8am)..... that is enough to make most people relaxed/anxiety free all day long. Let me repeat that again... I had TAKEN 2mg of xanax.
The day went on and I just kept procrastinating driving to CVS (I live in one of the hardest/worst places to drive in the United States) to get my prescription filled. Around late afternoon, I started feeling "weird". I know this feeling all too well. It means time to pop another XR. Well, I just kept being ADD getting distracted, having sex with my gf in the shower... not finding the outfit I wanted to wear etc.... and then it hit me pretty bad. I knew I needed to get that script asap.
Now remember this is only approx 9-10 hours after NOT taking an XR....... As soon as I got in my car and began navigating the insane side streets and 1-ways to get into the main Square, my panic w/d began to come on stronger to the point where I started freaking out. Blasting my horn in non-moving traffic, doing a (baller ass) super illegal U-turn on Harvard St - where a cop (facing the opposite direction across the 4-way intersection) actually put his lights on and began to try and turn around to come after me.
When you are in this state of panic or withdrawal or whatever the fuck it is scientifically.... nothing else mattered to me but getting to that godamn CVS. So thank god I have a nice car and mobbed back off into some side streets like a maze... somehow losing him. (I would never, ever run from a cop!)
Although I don't think I've actually ever had a seizure, I started to have this horrible feeling where I felt like I was about to lose control of my motor functions and start shaking, my reality was all distorted etc...
Sorry for writing so much... got carried away after taking this Vyvanse haha... but yeah it was no joke. I made it to the CVS, and I almost cried after thinking about it.... how this drug has become to CONTROL my life.
Imagine seeing a young, well dressed, friendly, smart looking normal kid at the Pharmacy in the second floor of this CVS sweating face, trembling, pacing back and forth... even trying to bribe one of the Pharm techs with a *snip* bill to hurry up and fill it right then (did not work).... and then after literally whipping a *snip* bill at the chick at the checkout and ripping apart the perscription and chewing up 3 2mg XR pills in front of everyone, no water or anything.....
This is not me. I know I can get off of Xanax.... I just believe that it has to be done the professional and extremely slow and monitored way: tapering by tiny amounts using a very specific chart.... probably taking up to a year in all reality.
To think all I needed before was a little ganja, some powder or a terrain park and my skis.....
I'm going to my apartment in Paris soon for a while and pretty scared about this situation.... He's going to have to give me like a huge ass bottle because I am NOT GOING THROUGH THAT SHIT ESPECIALLY in another country.
/rant/end/thank you
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