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How close was I to dying?

E

eddy8

Greenlighter
Joined
May 18, 2010
Messages
8
I mostly lurk around here and have learned a great ton and am going to start contributing but i had something happen earlier today that I have to get some opinions about. My question is how close was I from dying earlier today? This is what happened. I am no stranger to opiates and have been using a needle off and on for about five years and am going to treatment at the meadows for my second time in a few days and decided that I would have a couple more runs at it (stupidly) before seriously getting clean...I want off so bad and I am mostly going for my depression related to my mothers death a couple months ago and am not currently physically addicted to any drugs ATM.

This is what happened: I took about twice my normal dose, and had taken about 5 mg of klonopin earlier. I woke up about 3 hours later, on my side, covered completely in puke...like nasty chunky bloody brown puke...it was in my nose, throat, and I was coughing it up for hours. I also couldn't hear at all when I woke up and it was the loudest ringing I have ever heard. If I yelled I could hear myself barely. I felt like I had been hit by a freight train and I was terrified and so upset. I wondered if I had lost my hearing or what damage I had done or how close I was to dying. I am so shaken up by this and can't believe I did that to myself ...I had done it because I was so depressed and wanted to just get as messed up as I could without thinking of the consequences and I feel like I just about killed myself. I feel as if it is obvious, but how close do you guys think I was to killing myself and overdosing? Did I live because I just happened to be on my side? Any idea why my hearing was completely gone for a good 3 hours after I woke up and it slowly came back? God I feel like such an idiot and am so happy I am getting treatment so this can all be over ....please you guys be careful mixing substances...I have done this a long time and thought I knew what I was doing and just about killed myself today I think.
 
Also do you guys have any similar overdoses that have happened? Has it changed anything wjth your using? I am so shakin up right now because I feel like I may have just cheated death...I remember having dreams about my mom before I woke it is so crazy
 
Erikmen said:
Stay off drugs for good man! OD is a bad sign!
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I know man, I am just curious if the reason I lived was because I was simply lucky enough to have landed on my side rather than my back? Was that really all that saved my ass?


And any ideas on the hearing?
 
I'm not sure about the hearing. But yeah had you been lying on your back you could have very well aspirated and never woken up. That's scary. When do you go into the rehab?
 
Ugh damn man, I really feel horrible . My family and girl wouldn't know how to handle that, especially since my mom just died and they don't think I am on drugs .... They think it's just severe depression from the grief, which is a huge part of it. I was upset and just like fuck it, I am taking double to get rid of the pain tonight...that's when it always happens too, with no tolerance. I know this shit and still did it. I am going for a 28 stay in wickenburg on the 27th right after Christmas
 
If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your mom? I did some really stupid shit when my mother was in a coma dying from cancer. I hate thinking about it now but I can't go back and change it. I guess the important thing is, you have a chance now to get clean. It's easy to get caught up in your emotions and just say "fuck it" and stay high. Don't let your grief get the better of you. It hurts so much but you can get through this!
 
eddy8 said:
I know man, I am just curious if the reason I lived was because I was simply lucky enough to have landed on my side rather than my back? Was that really all that saved my ass?
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Maybe your mom was watching over you?
 
T. Calderone said:
I'm not sure about the hearing. But yeah had you been lying on your back you could have very well aspirated and never woken up. That's scary. When do you go into the rehab?
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T. Calderone said:
If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your mom? I did some really stupid shit when my mother was in a coma dying from cancer. I hate thinking about it now but I can't go back and change it. I guess the important thing is, you have a chance now to get clean. It's easy to get caught up in your emotions and just say "fuck it" and stay high. Don't let your grief get the better of you. It hurts so much but you can get through this!
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She also died of cancer. She was 56 and died two months ago. The cancer took her out within 11 months. We all thought she would beat it because it was non Hodgkin's lymphoma and she was young and healthy but that just wasn't the case...my family had enough money for the best treatment money could buy and nothing took hold... The 10 rounds of chemo, stem cell, proton radiation.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom as well man. It is so incredibly difficult, I was best friends with my mom. My mom got me sober 4 years ago and I stayed sober up until these last four months. I completely blew it at her funeral and got trashed and made a huge scene and it is something I have had such guilt over since it happened...especially since she got me sober.

I am going to rehab in a couple days, more so to focus on the grief, depression, shame and guilt more than anything. I am not physically addicted again but am well on my way if I don't get help now.

Tell me how you dealt with it all...were you able to pull yourself up out of it all? What kind of cancer did your mom have?
 
nuttynutskin said:
Maybe your mom was watching over you?
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I believe she absolutely was man, when I was waking up from the overdose I was having dreams/visions of her. It was the craziest thing. I seriously think she saved me one more time.
 
eddy8 said:
I know man, I am just curious if the reason I lived was because I was simply lucky enough to have landed on my side rather than my back? Was that really all that saved my ass?


And any ideas on the hearing?
Click to expand...

It could be. But that would not be a major thing..it´s mostly about the quantity.
 
sounds like you got a valuable second chance my friend!
be grateful and more careful in future yeah? x
 
I love you guys and will not take this second chance for granted. Thank you all so much for the kind words....love and light
 
wow, eddy, that was such a close call. I am so sorry about your mom. My husband has a kind of non-hodgkins lymphoma right now but he is doing pretty well. It's a nasty, sneaky disease though--so seemingly arbitrary with who responds to treatment and who doesn't.

Take care of yourself and let us know how treatment goes. Grief is a long, long process so don't be surprised when you can't "heal" in some magical way that a lot of the literature tries to say you will.<3
 
oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear about that scary experience. sometimes it takes a scare though to get us to stop doing risky things. i've only used IV for a couple months and when i came close to ODing and my ''friend'' who also was the one who always shot me up, stuffed a sub strip in my mouth and took off... that was around this time last year. it scared me so, so bad and made me feel so fucking guilty and awful that it kept me away from heroin and needles ever since.

i hppe rehab works out for you, i really do. if you ever want a friend to vent to or chat with don't be shy.
welcome to BL, hope you post more often. and i also hope that this opened your eyes somewhat. you seem like a smart person. please be safe.
<3
 
I lost my mom over 10 years ago to cancer too. She was 55 and also my best friend. I'm not an addict (only here to learn how to help a friend who is) but I took her death hard, watched her die for 5 years. When she died, I took to drinking heavy. One night I took all the pills I could find, lined them up on the table (while still drinking), and wrote all my loved ones and kids letters. I don't know what happened but for some reason I had a moment of clarity, and rather than taking all the pills, I called the distress centre. Best thing I could have done (and my first experience with a padded room!! lol). Grief is a terrible thing, especially if you're already run down and not quite stable. I like to think my mom was looking over me that night, and perhaps yours was too. Don't be afraid to talk to someone, it did me a world of good. I still miss her, and think of her daily, but I know she'd want me to carry on and not put my family/kids through it if I did ever do something like that. Stay strong, your grief is still very new. It gets better, I promise.
 
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