• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

How can I improve my relationship with my brother?

Pagey

Pagey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 11, 2012
Messages
9,428
Location
The Valley of Ashes
Hey guys,

I've been meaning to ask for advice on this for a while. I'm 19, my brother's 15 and any kind of a relationship between us is virtually non-existent. I guess we were close when we were younger, I took care of him, we played a lot together etc., but in the past few years we've just really stopped talking to each other - started when I got to be maybe around 14, and now that he's a teenager as well it's just made things worse. Like today I just got home (I moved to another country for my studies last september) after not seeing my family since Christmas, he kind of just came up to me, said hi, there was an awkward silence and he went back to his room. It honestly made me feel incredibly sad.
I think one of the reasons things have gotten so weird between us is also because of our relationship with our parents - our mom has been in the hospital multiple times for suicide attemps and I'd taken on the added responsibility but the family dynamic has changed a lot since I moved away. I also have a lot of problems with my father that my brother's never faced and I think this creates tension between us as well.

I think neither of us really know how to fix it. We don't have anything in common at all except that I play guitar and he plays bass - so I've tried in the past to suggest we learn songs together and stuff, but we don't listen to the same music so it's never worked out. About a year ago we started watching TV shows together which was really fun (honestly the closest we've come to bonding since we were kids), but now that I've moved away...it makes me really sad because I feel like I don't know him, he's just this stranger that I happen to be related to. It makes me feel worse that I think he's also quite sad about it as well.
Now that I don't live at home anymore I'm really afraid we're going to lose touch completely, especially since it turns out I'm going to be away in Australia for half the year next year and stuff as well. I'm much closer to my sister, but she's 8 and sees me as a sort of second mom so it's very different obviously.

Does anyone have any ideas how I could fix this? Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
 
^ :\

Meet up, just you and him, and TALK.

It sounds like he's just in that phase, for possibly, no particular reason. I know I went through a phase of completely withdrawing from my family - for no reason. It's something I truly regret.. Talk to him / treat him like he's a friend.. not a kid brother..

The only thing to do is talk to him.. not about any issues you think you two (or your family) may have (that will inevitably happen later) but just talk to him. You say you both play instruments but you don't like the same music.. Ask him what he can (or likes to) play and then learn it.. Talk normally, general chit chat, and the rest will probably come naturally..

<3
 
wait.... he will grow to know or catch up to your perspective.

:)
 
He's only 15, Pagey, so it's gonna be hard. My sis and I are 2 years apart and we didn't become friends until our 20s. We are still way different and can't be around each other for two long or we argue LOL, but for the most part, we are friends. You might have to just give it time. My sis and I became somewhat accidental friends, because my parents got divorced, my mom had custody and was an absolute piece of shit. My sis and I did acid together one day, and that brought us close as an understanding that our mom was a loser and we'd just have to be there for each other. Perhaps your brother will come to you for drug harm reduction advice. lol

But really, I would give it time and just make sure you're always there for him to talk and make an effort to see him. He'll come around.
 
Time is a great healer. Keep looking for things you have in common, or simply introduce him to some new stuff that you think he may like. It's a hard age though - he can't enter into the nightlife very easily, so just let go for a little while, until you see something which would bring you closer.

Keep in touch - think of his sense of humour, and send him youtube vids that made you laugh, or maybe ones that you think would appeal to HIS sense of humour even if you didn't think they were very funny? I been doing this - I've had the same issue myself personally with my own brother - family upheaval has really created some interesting gaps.

Good luck. I will ponder this one some more. Ultimately the effort has to predominantly come from you though, being older and wiser.
 
This is completely normal. Theres is zero a 15 year old boy has in common with his 19 year old sister. I've got the same gap between me and me brother, we went our seperate ways and didn't rediscover each other as people till our late 20's early 30's. Now we get on great. It would be nice if he had a male role model to chat to and discuss stuff with, but don't be upset that these aren't things he would discuss with you, as I say its normal. If you've got a friend who can watch him from a distance and let you know if theres anything you should be concerned about (like hard drugs or crime) that will hopefully help you from worrying too much.
As someone else said keep up a small amount of contact, once every couple of weeks or so, but dont expect a huge response. He'll know you're there for him and thats all that matters.
 
i don't have siblings... but when I was 15 I wouldn't want to hang out with my hot 19 year old sister... cause 15 year old boy brain = "sex, sex, SEX!"

give it time, eventually your relationship will get stronger.
 
I agree with others, that it's a phase, and you'll both grow out of it. Are there shows your both could watch while you are away (maybe you could view them on the Internet)? It's tough to be close to an adolescent. Good for you for trying.
 
I had a similar experience with m younger sister when we were in our early/mid teens. Also the added tension of the fact that I was strung out on opiates most of our teens and was constantly causing family arguments and general tension.

These days I make an effort to reach out and spend time whenever we are in the same area, during holidays and breaks from school and whatnot. When she saw I was making an effort she started doing the same and now were as close as we've ever been.

I've found that I had to take at least half the responsibility for the way out relationship is, and I had to accept her exactly where she is in life, because she has to do the same.

Sibling relationships are very interesting, but honestly my 2 siblings are without a doubt 2 of my favorite people in this world.

Good luck pagey!
 
My sister is three years younger than me and we didn't start getting along until a couple years ago, when she was about 17 (she's 19 now). Although I'm in a fight with my sis now, I have to say that she is probably one of my best friends now and we look back and laugh at how we didn't get along and just didn't really understand each other until relatively recently. We are still in different stages of our lives now but we have both matured.

There is a huge difference between a 15 year old and a 19 year old, especially of different genders. It may be a couple years until you can really relate and bond with him. For now, I would suggest listening to his stories, asking about his day, etc. Even though you don't live together, you can still email, text, etc. Don't bug him and email him every day - give it some time.

I'll let you know if I have any more suggestions :)
 
I agree with the above in that you are in different mental stages at the moment. Time will probably fix things however that may take another 5 years or so.

I think that it wouldnt hurt to maybe use one of your obvious skills and write about how you feel in a letter to him. That way its non confrontational and gives him time to digest it all.

From my experience working with kids this age, they actually have massive pent up emotions, they just dont know how to deal with them, often scared to show them for fear of being considered weak or whatever............but when given the chance to open up by someone they trust then it can be a massive help.

Be sure to be non judgemental of anything that has happenned in the past either between you and him or any other family members.............just concentrate on the relationship between you two and show him in your writing how much you care about him and how much you want to spend more time with him.

It may be awkward at first but that tiny amount of awkwardness is a small price to pay for the joy you can bring to each others lives.

Gooid luck.
 
Simply talking to him will help. I don't mean talking about y'alls estranged relationship, I mean about his interests, what his day was like, something funny you saw on TV, etc. If you have his cell phone number, text him funny shit you find on the internet. You say y'all were close before, so picking up where you left off is the best, imo.

But if for some (stupid) reason he isn't amenable to rekindling y'alls friendship, then you'll have to back off.
 
Thanks for the answers everyone, much appreciated!
I've been trying to talk to him a bit more about random things, funny pics I saw on 9gag (I know he hangs out on there a lot), that sort of thing, but he's just really quiet and unresponsive. But then again I remember when I was his age I just wanted nothing to do with my family whatsoever so I'll just take all your advice and try not to push it too much and accept it'll get better as we get older. Thanks :)
 
not exactly sure why people feel like they need to be best friends with their siblings, i honestly don't think it's very healthy and find it kind of weird when siblings share every part of their lives together

i'm 26, have a brother 5 years older than me, growing up we did a lot of things together,shared friends(even though i was 5 years younger he would always suggest that i hang out with his friends, and these days i'm better friends with his old friends than he is), and relatively got along pretty good

after he went away to college we pretty much stopped speaking to each other for a good ten years,every year we would see each other a few times and are cool with each other, just in moderation, these days we don't talk on the phone or ever share what's going on in our lives, but thankfully we have sports to keep us connecting and we'll exchange texts every few days

as a family member, all you can do is be there for them if called upon, respect their lifestyle/privacy, don't force things upon them specially after they make it clear they are not interested, and never say or do anything that would hurt them or create any kind of guilt
 
It can just be like that with some siblings; but it sounds more like an age phase.

I noticed once you move out of home for an extended period of time, weather it's to a shared house or another country; you interactions with people develop, you might be more open or conversational then you use to be because living arrangement has been dramatically altered. And then when you come home you expect to beable to continue interacting on the same level with your family, but they might be just as they were when you left. Which creates a kind of disconnect.. you see yourself as a whole new person, but they remember you as you were when you left.

I encountered this when i moved back home after living with friends for two years; and to a greater degree when i traveled overseas on my own for almost a year and then returned home. And it shocked me to see both my parents watching the same TV show in seperate rooms; but this is completley normal to them and they've done it for years; sure there's issues there without a doubt but i never noticed it on that level until i moved out. Same situation with my younger brother.. he's quite happy to stay in his room on the computer all day/night.. hang out with his friends, but we share little in common. This unsettled me to begin with because i felt like 'wtf, i can't even communicate with these people' and i tried for a long time but eventually i had to accept this is how they are, and who am i to push it if they dont want it.

I'm not saying don't try, you said you think he feels the same way.. definitely find out, perhaps in a subtle way. And then that's something to build upon.

I don't have much in the way of suggestions, my family's never been an intimate family.. very disconnected emotionally. And i thought this was normal behavior until i moved out.. and realized how open emotionally people could be to each other. But i accept its normal for them.. I guess i sympathize, i returned home 2 months ago after been overseas for almost a year on my own.. and i feel like a stranger, this place doesn't even feel like home to me. I love my family, but i have no strong connection to them and i don't know if that will ever change..

Best of luck Pagey, in the end family is all we have. It's worth trying to reconnect :)
 
I have had this issue with all my siblings. I have 4, two older, two younger. We would have the same awkward moments during the holidays when the family was all together. But the past few months I have really started to rebuild my relationships with them. It all started when I went to jail for 6 months for relapsing while on probation. They all started writing me letters and asked me to call. It was really awkward at first but then it just became natural. You just gotta make the effort to get to know them. I enjoy hearing my brothers and sister talk about their lives. Especially my younger siblings. Just ask about their friends, if they have a lover, etc, etc. I found just making the effort to talk to my siblings even if I don't have anything to talk about brings us closer. Since I am in college I call my siblings every couple weeks just to check in. At first it will be awkward because it is not something that they are used too but it is worth it! When your home offer to take them out to a movie or go do something fun like put put golf, I don't know those are just some ideas. Just come up with fun activities that anyone enjoys regardless of who they are. Family is the most important part of life so work to remain close with them! Hope this helps!
 
Me and my youngest brother are the same age difference as you and your bro, Pagey. A similar thing happened to me, I was always closer to my middle brother anyway growing up, but when I got to my middle teens and started going out, living with my boyfriend and so on, my relationship with my brothers became pretty much non existant. It was strange when at about 18 or 19 I realised I actually wanted to know my bros again, and realised everything had completely changed since when we were kids, and a relationship that had always been effortless had become strained and awkward, and I felt like I didn't know them.

I agree with the other posters though that the teenage years especially are a time of great change, when you're figuring out yourself, developing your personality and your interests. He's coming to that age where he's starting to strike out on his own. I think the difference in mentality between 15 and 19 is probably the most different and significant a 4/5 year gap will ever be, so I don't think it's unusual that you're finding you don't have so much in common. I think you're doing the right thing, and that just making an effort is the most important thing - whether or not he responds, I think he'll see what you're doing and really appreciate that.

I'm 25 now, and my brothers are 23 and 21. Our relationship has completely changed. 21 and 25 is much different than 15 and 19, and I get along great with my little bro now, I think as much as anything, because we're now in more similar phases of life. We're both at uni, we can go out to bars together, we can talk about the music events we go to, and hanging out with him and his girlfriend is just like hanging out with mates. I think you'll find the same thing, that the relationship becomes much easier when you get older, but I think it's really sweet you're making an effort with him, and I'm sure he really appreciates the love, despite a 15yo boy probably not typically being the most able to express that <3
 
It seems like there are a lot of family problems and he's probably going through a lot. Maybe even feels abandoned by you? I think you really need to step back in his life and give him comfort. He's a guy so when they're feeling down they don't really reach out. You as his big sister have to reach out to him. Since you're away and time difference is a pain--why don't you start e-mailing him? Tell him that you want to be close again and want him to know that you're there for him during all this family drama and you haven't left him. Start e-mailing him on a regular basis talking about what you did that day and asking him how his day went. A little conversation can go a long way. :)

He's your brother. You have family in common. You don't really need specific topics to talk about or certain things to do. Just care about his life.
 
I feeel you. I have 1 too, and we use to be like 'this' son. If you're away, the best thing u can do is do what u set out to do. Steel your mind, and leave him to his family (your family) (all of all's family). U guys will always have the reason to be together again, so make the best of yourself now so the next time u see him it'll be as good as it gets. It's just an age thing. Find your inner-child again
 
Everyone is saying that you guys are just at different stages in life and that later on you guys will get closer. But you know what? Life is so unpredictable. You NEVER know how long people are going to be around for. My sister and I were 9 years apart. She died suddenly when she was 11 and I was 20. We had a wonderfully close relationship but I was in London when she died... I was studying abroad. I mean, if you have siblings. If you have family. Cherish those bonds because you can't just assume everyone is going to always be around. I wish I spent so much more time with my sister. So many things I didn't do with her because I was too busy working, studying, hanging out with my friends. Now, I have to live with that for the rest of my life...wishing I had more pictures...more memories. Until you can't make new ones do you realize how precious they are--ALL THE MOMENTS FOR ALL THE YEARS. She's was only fucking 11 and was gone just like that.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top