How being a 1 on the kinsey scale drove me to near insanity.

[psychedelicsoul]

Psychedelic drugs have altered my opinions on sexuality, the brain and the soul. Let me clarify one thing. I'm agnostic, I identify as ex-bi, and I find homosexuality to be disgusting. I'm not hateful of gay people, but the thought of it makes me sick. Whatever reason I decided to change doesn't matter. I did it to cure internalized homophobia, but religion, family acceptance and other things are fine motivations.
I like Lolicon, but only hated myself for liking shotacon. In reality, I was about a 1 on the kinsey scale and almost never saw any gay stuff that wasn't shotacon trap hentai. So even then I vastly preferred females.

When it comes to changing your sexuality, the reason you wanna do it is totally irrelevant. Anything you say about this is true, since morality is subjective. If a gay person thinks they're bad, they're bad. If someone thought being straight is bad, they're bad. If someone thought being left handed was bad, then they're bad. If you think something about you is bad, then it automatically is.
Now, I used several techniques. Psychedelic therapy, alcohol, pain based meditation, social isolation and starvation.
Drugs convinced me there exists a soul. I felt my mind disconnect from the world and from my brain. It was like my thoughts could shape me as a person. So I used DXM, weed, Spice, opiates, inhalants, and any other drugs I could get ahold of. I would stay it my room atleast 16 hours a day and never contacted friends. I tortured myself whenever I had gay thoughts, which wasn't too often. I'd beat myself with a shoe, cut, whip, burn, and do other stuff to myself. I even dropped a pocket knife in my palm and stabbed myself. I would beat myself numb. At first, this stuff didn't seem to work. I did this stuff for 3 months straight until seeing a change in my perception. I looked up to the attempt of Timothy Leary and psychedelic drugs to change myself. I would shout "I deserve the pain over and over while I burn paper on my skin and did the salt and ice challenge. I was determined to continue doing it even if it didn't work. If it was inneffective, I'd planned on simply suffering for the rest of my life that way.

My final plan was to stop eating all together. Every time I have a gay thought, I would refuse to eat for the rest of the day, and berate yourself. I had even planned on purging the food my parents cooked for dinner. I know that dangerous, but I wanted to die anyway.
However, after a while those intrusive thoughts went a way and reappeared extremely rarely. If I tried to do this again, it wouldn't work. Since the thoughts are so rare now that it wouldn't be a big deal if I did this stuff again.

 

[herbavore]

I don't even know where to begin addressing you as a person because your judgments about yourself are so intense, so impenetrable that I doubt anything I have to say will have any effect at all. You have internalized a lot of hatred and disgust and I am sorry for that. I do not agree with your conclusions about "bad". Beating and torturing yourself as a method for changing yourself is no different than beating or torturing someone else to get them to change. Maybe you could think of it like that because you sound like a person that does care about others.

Have you ever heard of the book, The Four Agreements? It's a little slow in the beginning but it makes some good points about how we internalize the agreements and judgments that form society--how they become "reality" when actually they are just agreements. He suggest having only four agreements and listening to your heart and to your body and your open mind about everything else. It might be a good book to read.

 

[psychedelicsoul]

I don't even know where to begin addressing you as a person because your judgments about yourself are so intense, so impenetrable that I doubt anything I have to say will have any effect at all. You have internalized a lot of hatred and disgust and I am sorry for that. I do not agree with your conclusions about "bad". Beating and torturing yourself as a method for changing yourself is no different than beating or torturing someone else to get them to change. Maybe you could think of it like that because you sound like a person that does care about others.

Have you ever heard of the book, The Four Agreements? It's a little slow in the beginning but it makes some good points about how we internalize the agreements and judgments that form society--how they become "reality" when actually they are just agreements. He suggest having only four agreements and listening to your heart and to your body and your open mind about everything else. It might be a good book to read.

Well... you're correct. There's no way you can convince me that what I did was wrong. And I do care for others, however, I would not hesitate to recommend what I did to someone else to try. Even if the person is young. As for whether homosexuality is bad for a person because the person thinks it's bad goes back to subjective morality. Isn't it the individual who forms their own moral perceptions that apply to themselves?

I think my internalized hatred comes from within however. I wasn't taught to hate gay people, I mean the people I knew were mostly homophobic, but I wasn't directly taught that they deserve to die or that I should hate them. So I don't think that's the only source. I feel like my subconscious says to be against it, so I just am.
As for the self-torture. In all honesty it made me feel better. The pain helped lessen the guilt, and after a while became therapeutic. At that point I had to hurt myself more, because it has to be uncomfortably painful to have any effect.

I looked at the chart of the Four Agreements. I think it goes perfectly with what I did.
I felt my "word was impeccable" because I said I wanted to change, so I never gave up on my desires. I also didn't take other peoples criticism of my "choice personally". I did not give into the "assumption" that I was simply wasting my time. And I poured my heart and soul into "doing my best" to change.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Self hate for yourself based on your sexuality, and abusing drugs/cutting, isolating yourself, not eating, etc. are not good things to do. What did your family or friends say when you did this?

Stop using drugs, and get help for your issues now, since if you repress being bisexual or gay, your issues with metal health, cutting, and how you do not like yourself because you're not heterosexual will come back in full force worse if you repress them. Good luck.

 

[Listening]

There's no way you can convince me that what I did was wrong.

I don't think what you did was "wrong". If you wish to change yourself, that's your choice. However, I think you are confused about your motivations and I'm scared that this will all come back to haunt you with a vengeance.

I think my internalized hatred comes from within however. I wasn't taught to hate gay people, I mean the people I knew were mostly homophobic... I feel like my subconscious says to be against it.

This is how you were taught. It's the best, most effective, form of teaching.

Anyway, I'm not trying to judge you for what you've done. I feel bad that you've made yourself suffer like that, but I can relate to it, to an extent. I would like to ask: For how long have you been doing these things? How long has it been since you claim you have "succeeded"?

 

[psychedelicsoul]

Self hate for yourself based on your sexuality, and abusing drugs/cutting, isolating yourself, not eating, etc. are not good things to do. What did your family or friends say when you did this?

Stop using drugs, and get help for your issues now, since if you repress being bisexual or gay, your issues with metal health, cutting, and how you do not like yourself because you're not heterosexual will come back in full force worse if you repress them. Good luck.

If my family had any sense they'd hate me more for being bi than for doing that other stuff.

Also, no therapist will tell you to change you're sexuality. They're sellouts for the politically correct movement. Fuck the American Phony Association. I don't buy into the lies that the mental health industry promotes.

 

[psychedelicsoul]

I don't think what you did was "wrong". If you wish to change yourself, that's your choice. However, I think you are confused about your motivations and I'm scared that this will all come back to haunt you with a vengeance.



This is how you were taught. It's the best, most effective, form of teaching.

Anyway, I'm not trying to judge you for what you've done. I feel bad that you've made yourself suffer like that, but I can relate to it, to an extent. I would like to ask: For how long have you been doing these things? How long has it been since you claim you have "succeeded"?

I tortured myself for about four months. I stopped liking adult males, however, I still like lolicon, which scares me because some lolis and shotas look alike. It wasn't hard to stop liking adult males. However, most of the time I tortured myself was for shotacon. However, lolicon is pretty damn difficult to stop liking.