How bad did your life become during the height of addiction?

CharlesTheHammer

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 8, 2010
Messages
366
Location
Mid-Atlantic USA
I thought this would be a good harm reduction thread because maybe younger drug users could read the examples and see how bad things can get when people become addicted to drugs, then hopefully they can either stop using, or try to control their usage.........;)

For me things got pretty bad from early '98 through mid 2000. I became a daily H addict in Jan of 1998, and I quickly had to move out of the place I was living because I didnt have the money to pay rent. All my $$ was going to H! I first would park my car at a local truck stop and sleep in it. But then, I also couldnt afford car insurance, and my inspection/registration lapsed, so I paid a guy to steel me an inspection sticker. But the sticker was slightly torn, and a few months later, a cop pulled me over and charged me with no insurance. About a month later, I was pulled over in the city about to cop, and a cop pulled me over, and once he found out about me having bogus stickers and no insurance, he impounded my car. That was the last time I owned a car for 1.5 years.:|

From then on, I was on foot and riding the bus. I fortunately had started my own business so I didnt have to commit crimes to pay for my habit, and I got paid every day, but I had to walk from job to job if no bus went by there.:!

From then on, I was homeless, and I stayed at different places. I did try detox in september '98, and stayed at my brothers house for a month, but I went back to using immediately although my family didnt know at first. I then got into a room for rent deal, but moved out in late December '98. I then finally moved to the city. I stayed at a free boarding house owned by an old Ukrainian man, with other addicts, but there was no heat other than the small electric heaters and no hot water. Then the old man sold his house in march, and I was homeless again. I stayed at deserted homes, I stayed with a couple friends who rented a place, but had no electricity, or hot water, etc. They were junkies too. I spent almost the entire winter of '99-2000 sleeping totally outside, right beside the train tracks, in a sleeping bag surrounded by boxes I'd found. I woke one morning to 5" of snow on the ground around and on top of me! :(

Finally I got on methadone in January 2000, but I still used coke for 2 years and 8 more months. I stayed most of that time at a run down room rental in another fucked up boarding house! :\

I weighed around 130 lbs during this time, cause I didnt eat much, as I spent most of my $$ on H..... I wore the same clothes for days at a time, and didnt get a shower for often a week or more when I was completely homeless.....
I remember I got trench foot a couple times, where it was summer, and I was sweating in my cheap boots so much that my feet got sores all over them, and I couldnt hardly walk because of the pain, but I had to walk to work and get dope! I finally went to the Salvation Army to get new(used) boots!:(

Some times in the rain, I'd go to the hospital to get out of the rain, but people in there would know that you were homeless, and they'd throw you out fairly quickly. They even had me arrested just for sitting in the waiting room one time, not saying a word to anyone!:p

I got lucky in that I never got caught with any drugs, and never really got involved in other crimes, so I have a clean record still(except for pot possession in '93). But it sucked!:\

Then, I moved out of town in late September of 2002, and stopped using cocaine, which I was usually doing almost daily. Then, I bought a used minivan for cheap from Goodwill auto auction for $400, and it looked great, ran great, and lasted til I bought a truck 2 years later. Then I bought my first home in 2004. Bought a brand new truck in 2005. Unfortunately, due to the economy and a lack of work, I lost my house last year, and now I share a home with an old family friend. :\

But I'm still clean.........
 
wow, thanks for posting that. it definitely has helped me. i'm not terribly young, but i just started shooting H this year. prior to that i popped norcos, but had been able to kick that and fell into this. damn, it's just after awhile you don't have a choice anymore. i hate heroin! and i've been tapering, but there is a definite wall when you get to the 20 dollar a day mark. no matter what i need those 2 balloons. i told myself i was not going to switch to sub until i was sure it would stick. i am not going to yo-yo for years between the 2.

my career has suffered, and the recession totally perpetuated my needle use. recently i've been able to get freelance jobs again with good performance reviews. hopefully the new self esteem will help me quit forever. my car is totally illegal just like yours was.... stolen stickers and everything. i'm >this close< to getting impounded. i rent out a room in a group house, but if i don't get my act straight soon, that could go bye bye.

i decided to leave town (away from dealers) and stay with a friend while i induct sub and get used to it for a week. i am so scared. i have one balloon left and i leave tomorrow. no one believes that i will actually quit and my AA friends are laughing at me. so i just have to post somewhere so someone knows. i am going to make this work, get off sub in 2 weeks and take my life back!

just funny that you wrote that stuff about your car... could very well be me.
 
^ yep having no money and unable to score crawling around your bedroom is as bad or low as it gets ime, even if your homeless but somehow have a regular supply of opiates everythings o.k. its the mental part that hurts the most whether rich, poor ,clever,unintelligent its the same for everyone i think.with me it was the suicidal depressions and redoing the wash on allready washed filters just to feel the sting, then even more disappointment when it does little or nothing.
 
Stealing checks from my mom to cash for dope. Then buying 4 bags rigging it all up at once trying to die then realizing it wasnt enough and now I was outta dope and money and would be sick again tommorow with even less means to score. Fucked up times thank god for suboxone at least now when I do dope I know the sickness wont last long.
 
well i found myself heading down that road a couple months ago. the lowest point of my life was when i was on oxys/roxy/coke/crack or any other pill i could get my hands on. I was riding around with my boyfriend at the time always trying to score drugs. we stole from every store we went into. we stole everything. the only thing we paid for was cigs, drugs, and gas. I got down to 89 lbs I couldnt eat anymore I would even puke up water. We stole from every friend we knew, including our parents. My parents had to change the locks on the house. We stole gold jewelry, surf boards, lawn equipment, power tools, anything that we could pawn. We broke into my dads house and slept there for a couple days till the cops came and gave us a trespessaing warning. We broke into my grandmas house, stole all her jewelry. He broke into his moms room and stole all her roxys. He stole pills from drug dealers. I sold my iphone and digital camera for crack and pills. We would sleep in motel rooms in the ghetto from the money we would get from stealing. If we didnt steal something we would crash at random friends houses for a couple nights. Weve slept in drug dealers houses. My life consisted of getting high. Thats all it was about, and I didnt care about anything else. We both ended up in jail for VOP's because we were both on probation. Going to jail sobered me up, and now thats its been about 5 months since that time in my life, it doesnt even seem real. It feels like it was all a hazy dream. Most of it I dont remember at all.

Im haunted by this 'nightmare' every day of my life.
 
^lowlow, shit that sounds like rough times, luckily i had enough income to sort of support a h habit, so rarely stole from shops or my parents, no doubt would have though. how are things now clean after jail and if so did you have to let go of your relationship to achieve this? my using as yours must have, has left me with a lot of self hatred which is difficult to deal with straight.
 
My lowest point in my addiction isn't as bad as what has already been written, at least in terms of how I lived, I wasn't homeless during this time but I came close to losing everything, in my mind I did lose everything that was important to me.

I had just gotten out of a live in relationship with my girlfriend and was depressed as hell, I didn't even know how depressed I was until I started to come out of it.

I found the cheapest apartment that I could on craigslist and moved in, I had two other roomates that I couldn't stand, one lived in the living room and took over the whole downstairs area and it basically smelled and looked like a dump. The apartment itself wasn't that bad, I had my own room, bathroom and shower.

Anyway, I was extremely depressed, I lived on a diet of gin and tonic and adderall and any other pill I could find. I'd drink at least a bottle of gin everyday (usually Seagrams, the nine to ten dollar size, anything cheaper than Seagrams and I paid an extra price in the morning) and I'd take as much adderall as I possibly could. I never slept until I would crash, sometimes I'd stay up a few days at a time, when I did crash I'd sleep for up to 24 hours at a time. During this period I slept through Christmas and scared the hell out of my family, I also slept through my Birthday and a handful of important gigs, I was able to keep a couple of the gigs I slept through to my amazement.... somehow managed to convince the employer that I accidentally slept through my alarm and woke up at 7pm and it was all because I'd just had a couple too many beers the night before.

I also developed a bad benzo/ambien habit during this period from when I had to crash, usually I'd be hallucinating by the time I'd decide to sleep. When I look back at all the gin I would drink along with the adderall and the xanax/ambien/vicodin I'd take all at once when I wanted to crash I'm amazed I didn't overdose from the combo of alcohol and benzos and opiates. I remember reading Heath Ledger's Toxicology Report on the news and saying to myself "holy shit, I should be dead, I take that combo nightly"

One of the worst things about this period was just my state of mind, if I wasn't high out of my mind I felt like death was out to get me, I'd wake up shaking with horrible panic attacks and stomach pains, often nauseous and sometimes throwing up.

I rarely ate and lost at least 20lbs and all my friends that weren't drug addicts (and some that were) were very concerned. I amazingly managed to still pay my bills because I work freelance and had some good jobs I didn't fuck up. Besides rent and the most essential bills I spent all my money on alcohol, adderall, and any other pill I could find, usually vicodin. I also frequented the bar down the street quite often, in hindsight my friends at the bar and the adderall probably kept me from completely losing everything. The companionship at the bar and the mood lift I'd get from the adderall were lifesaving at times, even though the adderall was simultaneously aiding me in my quest to destroy myself.

The thing that got me out of it was poppy pods oddly enough, I stopped using the pills and the alcohol and just drank poppy tea in the morning and then again at night. I started to eat regularly again and I gained back some weight and balanced my life back out, I also moved out of that shit apartment. Then my ex girlfriend who I was so depressed over losing came back to me and I was able to taper off the poppy pods. When we broke up again a year later I started using opiates again, they have never fucked me up the way the alcohol and speed did though.

I've never felt as physically/mentally/spiritually ruined as I did during this time. I was just completely hopeless. Some of the people who saw me go through this have never treated me the same since, definitely burned some bridges for good. I just fell apart, I'm amazed I didn't fall apart more when I look back. Ironically enough I was playing bass in a high end Christian Church that payed me very well (I'm not religious) throughout this whole period. I also played bass in some good paying musicals during this time, this income is the only reason I didn't end up homeless, how the hell I managed to not get fired from those jobs is beyond me.

This period of time lasted approximately a year and is the lowest point I've reached thus far addiction wise. It's also the period of time I first started to read Bluelight, I stumbled across it one night when I got a hold of some new pills I'd never tried and was looking up other peoples experiences on them.

Not as bad as the above stories but it was hell for me and made me really look at the way I was living and look into why I was so intent on destroying myself.
 
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wow thanks everyone for posting

my low was the last couple months of my using. i started hanging out w/ a friends brother who was into "harder" drugs that my friends werent really into. i had dappled w/ coke/roxys but never had a full blown habbit. when i started hanging out w/ this kid, my life just started to be all about getting high 24/7.

he introduced me to dope and the needle. and it was pretty much a wrap after that. i had some money but that ran out quick and we turned to robbing, stealing, pawning anything we could get our hands on.

it was a fucking job. he'd wake me up at 10 ish and we'd instantly start scheming about getting drugs/ money, who we were gunna beat etc. i'd just drive around in my car (that had no insurance or registraion) untill we had an opportunity to get drugs or money.

we usually scored about twice a day. we both knew alot of ppl and would either beat them or charge a alot for shit drugs and get good shit ourselves. i pawned parents and sisters jewlery. we sold copper pipe, ac's , washers, dryers, whatever we could find.

i was truly living just to get high and i would pray every morning that this kid would not show up. but he always did and i could never tell him that i didnt wanna get high that day.

at the end he robbed a person and jumped in my car and we both caught 2nd degree charges. i will be going to prison in january with a 3 wit an 85% (around 2.5 years).


i now have over 4 months clean
 
My life for years has consited of addictions to one thing or another,, I tried to stop so many times......

SO much shit happened, it got reeaaallly bad..

Having £80 a day habit with no money or job. Having to wake up every day for years thinking "I fucking need some heroin now" then "how the fuck am i gonna get the money" "Here we go again, I hate myself and want to die" . stealing and pawning, ripping people off, losing any morals i ever had to do one thing --- get more heroin. Trying to hang myself... Overdosing,, waking up in ambulances and hospitals... soul destroying crippling depression, paranoia, from uppers and cannabis, not being able to stop.. Wanting to die every day..Being in agonising pain knowing if i do another line of K i will end up in hospital having a gall bladder pain attack, but not being able to stop.. Gambling away £4k I saved up, not even saving £10 to get a bag of heroin to take the withdrawals away..knowing im gonna lose but gambling everything away anyway especially when dopesick this was the worst..one addiction competing against the other.. Forcing alcohol down my throat while dopesick crying and throwing up everywhere...Stealing from friends and family and girlfriend..

Looking at myself deep in the eyes in the mirror when trying to get a vein in my neck seeing pure fear and desperation and bursting out crying..... This was a real big moment of clarity for me

FOr me it wasn't what was going on around me externally, it was the absolute limit of unbearableness that I couldn't cope with. I mean there were times where I slept in bushes, on the street, in squats, , but some of my worst times ever were materially and where i lived etc were ok. It was when I was fully aware of the consequences, absolutely desperate to stop using , but couldnt do it, that was the serious soul destroying times

:(

my god it was so horrific, I am so happy to be out of the grips of it! 4 1/2 months clean from all meds, booze, drugs, with help from NA! I know a lot of people on here dont like na..I had tried so so so hard to stop myself and other methods, nothing ever worked. So glad I found something that works for me, it really is a miracle, i was utterly hopeless!

:)
 
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Ahhh it was a literal nightmare.

My best friend died when I just turned 17 in a car crash taking my homemade speed/ghb to brooklyn.

That screwed with my head terribly (still does honestly) but rather than try to straighten up I hire 2 people to take his place and wind up expanding my business further.

I was smoking/skulling 5-6 gms of speed everyday. I was also deep in methamphetamine psychosis hearing voices, seeing things, paranoid out of my gord 24/7, depressed, angry, suicidal, and 115lbs soaking wet.

Caught a first degree drug felony for maintaining and operating a CDS production facility, had 24 counts of mdma sales, 2 lab counts, 14 other distribution counts (for the speed/ghb), 4 school zone counts, plus a host of other counts I can't even remember.

Was then thrown into prison with a 7 year sentence at which point my lawyer promised me I would get out in 90 days under a special program called ISP.

My entire livelihood was running on that ISP, and when I had served 90 days and was expecting to go home, I got rejected for the program due to the severity of my charges (even as a first time offender).

I fell into a steep depression in prison, was around a bunch of inmates who despised me for various reasons. I was anti-social, had an obvious mental disorder at the time, was depressed and but also came from a very good family, who also had a bit of money (tiny bit).

That made inmates hate me as everytime I'd get commisary every one who saw me walking bag with bags of goodies/food would usually shout "I want that food rich white boy". I was scared, alone, it was nearing my 21st b-day and while all my friends were just starting to hit up the bars I was alone away from my family and pets in in a dirty shithole of a prison.

Obviously I couldn't handle anymore stress at this point and developed a deathwish. I was so scared of what might happen to me at night sleeping around these animals that I started to develop an even worse chip on my shoulder.

One day after nightime rec was over I found a note on my bunk telling me to enjoy my last night alive. I have never been at such a low point in my life and although I wanted to die I didn't want to be brutally murdered while I slept.

Nightime approached and everyone went to bed while I stayed awake with my eyes open watching the whole dorm from my peripheral vision. I heard some noise coming from the dorm on the otherside and also noticed that my bunky was missing. You're not allowed to get off your bunk and leave the dorm so I had a feeling he was the one who had wrote the note and that he'd be coming back with a friend and a shank.

As my hands started shaking, and my entire body was driven into a panic attack, I got up and literally ran outside the dorm directly at a corrections officer. He told me to stop and I was yelling "help help" at which point I was maced in the face and thrown to the ground and handcuffed.

A search was done that revealed a shank in my bunkies possession, I had literally saved my own life that night. I've had some bad experiences in life (like sexual abuse) but I can't explain how utterly "real" life felt at that very moment. The fear was so raw and like nothing I've ever felt my entire life.

I wind up getting thrown in lock up even though my story to the CO wound up being true. They said I was being targeted by the bloods and if I was left in general pop it would be a matter of days before they came back for me.

For 3 days I sat solitary in a cell crying. By day 4 I lost my mind. And by day 9 not having left the cell for a second my psychosis was being aggravated terribly. Although my mind was blank and I was a great deal traumatized, there was no "human" left inside of me, I didn't think like a normal person anymore and had officially "cracked". Prison broke me on that very day.

Not remembering much at all but this overwhelming impulse to escape, I wound up putting my head down and running at mach speed into the steel door. It resulted in a concussion and me winding up in the prison enfirmary with a broken neck (not the type that paralyzes you though), at which point I was deemed suicidal and transfered 3 hours south into an even more dangerous prison.

Then... don't ask how, slowly after that point of my life things gradually got better. I had been off the drugs for about a year by then, and although I was still a slave to the justice system I was begining to realize that freedom was truely a state of mind, and not the state of your environment. You can be free in prison same way you can be a prisoner in the freeworld. And slowly I'm not sure how, probably with some help from the man up above, I eventually got paroled.

A new life started and most of the nightmares were over. I started building a great life but was still somewhat tormented from the long term side effects of my past drug use. I made it through parole about a year out then very mistakingly had my first true encounter with opiates. I nodded out harder than I can ever remember, and every single bad thing that had ever happened to be just vanished in thin air. No anxiety, no more paranoia, just the ability to live in the moment and feel good.

And of course a nasty opiate addiction came to life after 5 years sober.
Now fast forward another 5 years and although I'm doing much much better, I feel like this is the last demon in my life I need to conquer. And if I don't, I know I have the tendency from my past to do some bad things. I went those whole 5 years for the most part happier than ever, although there was 1 boutt with suicide soon after starting drugs again. But people on here don't understand I'm not just fighting a measily poppy addiction. This poppy addiction is representative of me still feeling guilty for getting my friend killed, its a representation of every negative experience I've ever went through in my life.

And by allowing it to exist in my life I simultaneously enslave myself to my own horrible past. Its like I've been walking the trail to freedom for so many years, and I got to the end of the trail just to be faced by a very angry 500lb gorilla. If I don't kill this gorilla then everything that happened while on that trail will mean nothing. All my successes, all the times I overcame something horrific will no longer hold any value at all.

So I wait at the end of this path, still trying to figure out if I have the courage to attack this animal, or allow him to slowly devour me alive.. untill nothing remains of me but the memory that I never "made it".
 
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Constant depression, lost my job, no social life, maxed out my credit cards, had track marks running down my arms. Being dope sick, coming close to going to jail. Life just sucked so much during those times.
 
the last week of my active addiction, i stopped going to school, i stayed home all day and didn't even get high off my doc. i knew i was going to rehab so i just chilled. the few months before that i was lying and being manipulative, stopped working by my moms and just being a crack
 
statute of limitations - enough said.

even when I'm clean I cannot stay out of trouble for more than few months,if that. Drugs / ignoring the problems that led me to using, have simply put turned me into a shell. I have a good shell , and you crack it - just fuckin empty. How long can you do right when you feel empty?

Be very careful, drugs can steal everything from you, i am JUST now gettin it back.
 
So I wait at the end of this path, still trying to figure out if I have the courage to attack this animal, or allow him to slowly devour me alive.. untill nothing remains of me but the memory that I never "made it".

That was just... wow. Thank you for sharing, take care.
 
Yeah thanks so much for sharing that, bo. I loved the way you talked about discovering freedom as a state of mind, while still in prison.

Wish you well on your journey mate!
 
From then on, I was on foot and riding the bus. I fortunately had started my own business so I didnt have to commit crimes to pay for my habit, and I got paid every day, but I had to walk from job to job if no bus went by there.:!

what kind of business did you have? just curious. it must have been tough once you lost your truck..
 
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Homelessness, jail, divorce, job loss, family neglect, thefts, embezzlement, rehabs, detox, exploitation, lying, probation, and other things too shameful to post. I was jailed about 7-8 times between 16-24 but was fortunate to never go to prison. Have also dodged a couple of possesion charges since then... with good lawyers. It's amazing how you can work the system with a little money and a political connection or two.

Every single bad thing in my life was directly or indirectly related to drug dependence and addiction. Over the course of my life I've been on methadone for [on/off] about 20 yrs and am currently on suboxone. The very worst part is I have six kids who, even though have been well taken care of financially, suffer the emotional scars of having a father who just hasn't been there for them.... especially when they needed guidance and a good example to follow. All of them suffer from low self esteem and various other kinds of neurosis. I'm convinced this is because I wasn't a strong father and positive role model. They are all lucky to have a good mother. So far as I know, none of them are drug users or problem drinkers... yet. But it wouldn't surprise me if one or more eventually take that road.

When you're young and using drugs [day by day] you never consider how the behavior is going to affect you and/or others in the long term. That's what I regret most is not having any vision of the future consequences. Health [mental and physical] and happiness is everything and to waste it away on a life of drug usage is a damn shame.

I graduated college at 28 and had a few high paying jobs and a couple of successful businesses. This allowed me to fool myself into thinking everything was OK... but it never was, other than a few yrs of sobriety. A drug addict with enough money to indulge... simply prolongs the problem and allows further progression. Mainly because it's easier to cover up.

Methadone & Suboxone [for me] have only been 'band aids' which permitted me to function within the law and put on a facade that all is "normal". ORT has it's place and is good for many but it can never replace a self-actualized life of sobriety. I would only recommend it for the long-term... as a last resort.
 
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Running your own business on foot!?!

what kind of business did you have? just curious. it must have been tough once you lost your truck..


I had started out mowing some lawns while working at a full time job, then in '96, I tried working entirely for myself, but a big drought hit in the late spring and summer, so my mowing was cut down to once every 3 weeks or so, and I had to take another job at another landscape company. Then I got unemployment over the winter, and tried out working for myself again, but another drought hit, and I wasnt making money again, so once again, I had to work somewhere else while doing my mowing. :!

But, I had started doing rain gutter cleaning when a lady asked me to do her's out of the blue, and I discovered I could make money faster doing that, but it was more dangerous. I would clean out a 2 story house's gutters in an average of 45 minutes to 1.5 hours, and make $45. I was actually undercharging as I discovered later, but it worked out good. Then, I took too many days off the job I was working at(to do my own work), and I was fired in like late October '97. Then, I started advertising rain gutter cleaning by going door to door and giving fliers, and that became my primary business. I continued mowing as well into '98, but then my car was impounded in like May of '98, and the ability to carry around my mower came to an end!:(

So for the next 2 years, I walked around from job to job cleaning gutters, and I had a ladder stashed at a customer's home in one development, but when I was away from there, I had to borrow ladders from other customers to do the work. One time, my drug counselor in early 2000 was riding down the street, and saw me crossing the road with a large ladder on my shoulder! He told me about it a few days later........LOL=D

I did that job literally year round for a few years, and it sucked when I didnt have transportation, but I managed to find a way to get it done, because the only other option, was to start stealing and shoplifting to support my habit, and I didnt want to have a criminal record, because I knew I'd quit at some point, and I didnt want the record to haunt me forever once I was clean!;)
 
I had started out mowing some lawns while working at a full time job, then in '96, I tried working entirely for myself, but a big drought hit in the late spring and summer, so my mowing was cut down to once every 3 weeks or so, and I had to take another job at another landscape company. Then I got unemployment over the winter, and tried out working for myself again, but another drought hit, and I wasnt making money again, so once again, I had to work somewhere else while doing my mowing. :!

But, I had started doing rain gutter cleaning when a lady asked me to do her's out of the blue, and I discovered I could make money faster doing that, but it was more dangerous. I would clean out a 2 story house's gutters in an average of 45 minutes to 1.5 hours, and make $45. I was actually undercharging as I discovered later, but it worked out good. Then, I took too many days off the job I was working at(to do my own work), and I was fired in like late October '97. Then, I started advertising rain gutter cleaning by going door to door and giving fliers, and that became my primary business. I continued mowing as well into '98, but then my car was impounded in like May of '98, and the ability to carry around my mower came to an end!:(

So for the next 2 years, I walked around from job to job cleaning gutters, and I had a ladder stashed at a customer's home in one development, but when I was away from there, I had to borrow ladders from other customers to do the work. One time, my drug counselor in early 2000 was riding down the street, and saw me crossing the road with a large ladder on my shoulder! He told me about it a few days later........LOL=D

I did that job literally year round for a few years, and it sucked when I didnt have transportation, but I managed to find a way to get it done, because the only other option, was to start stealing and shoplifting to support my habit, and I didnt want to have a criminal record, because I knew I'd quit at some point, and I didnt want the record to haunt me forever once I was clean!;)

cool, thanks for the answer.

Thats impressive, i think most would have resorted to stealing.

good thread, i look forward to more stories!
 
^ yeah good story and shows how hard working some drug users can be, no doubt if he wasnt an addict he would have had a very sucessful buisness. Noob question but in the united states How can you go to "jail "without being in prison? arent they more or less the same thing?
 
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