How Are You In One Word v. I got a feelin'

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I really really want to break my sobriety tonight, and I've been weighing up all the reasons for and against, and all the consequences if I do etc. It's fucking exhausting :|

That really is exhausting. I just wanna say I'm sorry you're going through that, b/c the same mental gymnastics consumed a chunk of my day, and then, after a few hours of peace, I relapsed w/o a second thought. I hope you get through it better than I did :/
 
Thanks so much moe <3
I'm still sitting tight, just riding it out.*sigh*

And thank you too Pagey <3
 
n3o for what it's worth I've been contemplating grabbing some H for about 2 1/2 hours. I could pull it off with the drug tests i have, not like I'd get sick, only problem for me... I'd be betraying everyone again. I fucking am so sick of finding ways to hate myself. My day isn't extremely busy but you can bet i'll do what I can to not end up with that same guilt, it's NOT worth it, no matter what your Drug or drink of choice is. It doesn't sink far to me when ppl say it, but in all seriousness n3o you are one of the most genuinely loving / accepting people I've ever talked to. Remember how much more valuable your life is , to yourself and to multitude of others who come looking for love and you respond kindly. Their is no drink worth it for any alcoholic but christ you are flat out better people than come around often. I promise tomorrow if it wasn't worth staying sober, booze will be around.


fuck now half that i gotta eat about heroin, minus dimples and caring :P...ugh deflect deflect...
 
^ Stay strong TOAW. You are a very strong person inside. Just be true to yourself and others you care about and it will reflect. You make a diffierence.
 
Neo- stay strong and know that u r worth the effort to stay sober. What i have learned from getting sober myself is that nobody is theirself using drugs. U and herb both made a big impact in my recovery, and if u guys had that impact on me without knowing me, if u did that with no motives other than helping somone through a hard time u r most definitely worth the effort to fight to be the sober yourself, but i digress if u did use since u posted or decide u must then dont beat yourself up over it.

Taow- u probly shouldnt buy any H. Hang in thre buddy, u r worth it too.

Today the word is EXCITED i got a good night sleep with just doxylamine last night. I have been using it to sleep, but last night was the first night i slept more than 5 hours without taking a benzo. I am somwhat contributing this to a light dmt trip i had yesterday although i dont know for sure but i know that psychadelics have a way or hitting the brains reset button. I have been seeking this specific drug out as i was not looking for a fun psychadelic trip, i am looking for an epiphany of sorts. Dmt is crazy, it leaves your ego intact which caught me by suprise, i am planning a breakthrough dose soon with the remaining 50mg but it makes me somwhat anxious as dmt is the psychadelic bungie jump, yesterday i made it to the edge but i didnt take enough to plunge out of my body. While it was happening it was a stange feeling of anxiety but i was confident in my ability to overcome it, i saw typical geometric patterns but it was so different than other psychadelis i have done. Does anyone els use psychadelics for enlightenment? I know it sounds cliche but i belive they make u use the parts of our brains that r not normally used.
 
thanks guys - got into some stupid words w my father earlier who is a big fan of perfection, not so huge on progress. I went down the whole "I'll fuck him by fucking me and hurting everyone" .... but I stayed away. I'm going to make mistakes in my life but I do not want to be defined as someone who couldn't ever make his point without heroin. Growing up at 26, it's humbling. But on a day like today where I say fuck off to my addiction, won't lie, I feel like king ding a ling :P
 
Thats good man give your addiction a big fuck you. I know what u mean about the ill hurt u by hurting me thing. Dont go down that path, it only leads to preventable misery. One time i was pissed so i got on my motorcycle in the pouring rain to leave from an argument...almost died and worse i almost fucked up my bike lol....
 
Oh lord, Josh you ride ??? You just opened up like my final sober/clean passion
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- I am very glad you are still with us, if your bike isn't I can sell you one hahahaha sorta jus playin. K - time to stop hijacking one word thread, jus was pumped to not have gotten faded and day is ballin along.
 
^thats fucking sweet dude, very nice..



W.o.t.d~ ok. Maintenance man bought me breakfast.. Its only lil afternoon though, so day could still go downhill.. Trying to be optimistic.
 
Ya i dont ride a street bike yet tho, but i have been considering it, now that im not addicted to opiates i dont have back pain all day from lightweight w/d so i feel like i could ride bent over in an aggressive riding position but as of now im cruising a vstar custom. It was my learning bike. I love adrenaline, whether it is from splitting lanes, skydiving, boxing, cliff diving ect.. but really skydiving is my dream, i have only gone 3 tines but i dream of it every night and riding a motorcycle is in second but comes nowhere close to plummeting towards earth at a buck twenty i smile just thinkin about it. But i am glad u didnt use man, u won that battle and if u win enough battles u will win the war. Stay cool man and ride safe.
 
thx sconnie n josh - dude josh I am still certified to ride 1000cc , i raced for 3 years and taught licensing from 18-21. I'll send you some pics if you want. Get in touch w me man, seriously, off opiates I do MMA and powerlifting all racing car / rally and motorcycle - life is fun again, I am stoked to hear you have some passions back in your life, it took me forever to care about anything or anyone aside from heroin. Keep fighting and ride as long as you can bro.
 
Im down to see some pics man i love powersports. I really need to get into working out opiates have made me weak as fuck. But ya i am being pulled in so many directions with all the money im not spending on drugs. Its like i can afford to be passionate about things, life is as u said fun again but its more than fun its essential, if i didnt get to reward myself every day with the money i save i would not have such an incentive to stay clean because i love $$$$.

This made me think about how much adrenaline masks opiate w/d symptoms when i was on day 7-8 and i was kinda starting to feel better i was riding all day because when im riding theres nothing els life only exists in your visor that field of vision is all there is. I live in the valley in california i swear there is not many things that r more beautiful than riding down the highway watching the sun set behind the hills, feeling everything. the tempeture change as u pass orchards, bugs peppering your as they come out in the masses at dusk, the smells of everything u miss when riding in a car. I could go on forever but ill stop my sentimental rambling.
 
Excited! Begin moving into the new apartment tomorrow. Were just talking all of our stuff there tomorrow. Then on Saturday is our "official" move in date. This is great :)
 
^ Dude that is dope - I am in between apts and I can't wait to have my own spot call home, can't beat it. Congrats and best vibes on you guys. Just think about what kind of amazing memories may come from this move for you? It's wicked exciting to think about like that for me atleast !

Josh - my brother and my sis in law live in south cali, it truly is unbeatable for public roads those valleys are beautiful. I was stuck on a cbr600rr but it was still a blast, I am going to be traveling riding a lot this upcoming year so seriously PM me if you would want to ride and we can map out routes - I know some awesome BL'ers who ride, nuthin better! I'm going to PM you about the lifting and what not, feeling weak during PAWs esp is brutal, but you are strong as fuck you are staying clean. If you hold up that end I can promise you you will get results that will make you look forward to every minute you train and lift.
 
Overjoyed

I just got married just two months ago, I have a wife who loves me, spent the afternoon smoking weed and playing wii, watching on tv law and order special victims unit, dr house, the simpsons, I have a good job, I have no debts and today I just received my fortnightly payment, I'll take care today some dmt online.

In this cloudy day is more beautiful life
 
I am Down for some riding man, i am hoping to swoop up my buddies ninja 900 when outdoor season is over and i cash out, cause if u came right now i would be lost in your dust my bike is kind of a big bike small engine like i said it was my learning bike. Its funny that u r like ya i had to ride a 600rr like its childs play i got on a 2010 and it was my first time on a sports bike and those bikes r somthin els man i shifted into second gear and got the front end up accidently which gave me the adrenaline i like so i turned atound and got the fuck off because it wasnt my bike and i was scared i would wreck my boys baby lol. Its way too tempting to crack into that throttle like yeeeeee! and as far as working out i hope i can get to the point where people really enjoy it i have friends who work out like beast and they r mma fighters and they r always tellin me to come work out with them. And u r right i am strong as fuck...mentally now i just have to make my body match my mind, i have the right body shape that if i worked out like my buddies id basically b a straight boss.
 
grateful - life puts the answers in front of my face each day and as I accept the right thing, even if it is harder, I am finding so many areas of my life have been built up. Slowly I am making more and more friends who I at very least are down with me even though I certainly have baggage. And somehow I really have for the first time felt content in my own skin, even though I still see everything i want to change inside and out, I am able to smile and know that nobody can take my confidence in freedom found in honesty. So grateful.
 
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