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how are you in 1 word ?

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searching for answers, these episodes leave me dreaming that I just close my eyes and it ends. I hate my mind I cannot believe how hard this has become. I will never quit, but I am severely hurt by my family and honestly I feel so alone.


props to purple_cloud for legit being a great friend - damn good choice having her as a mod on BL.

props to this community too for real, I would be terrified to have no out let like this when I am in this state of mind :(
 
WAITING....Waiting another two months for my post surgery phase to be over...WAITING to start working, to start making new friends (I lost mine in the last year), WAITING for something to happen to make me feel alive again...
 
^ been there. Just hang in there Powdakilla. :\

theartofwar said:
searching for answers, these episodes leave me dreaming that I just close my eyes and it ends. I hate my mind I cannot believe how hard this has become. I will never quit, but I am severely hurt by my family and honestly I feel so alone.
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^ I know exactly what you mean. It is hard dealing with family. It can make or break you. Literally! :!

Doing the birthday thing. Great day....I am reflecting on me, and I am not very used to this. Feels good tbh. <3

Unwinding
 
Confused, not really sure what to do with myself lately. Likely cause I'm out of school and work and am losing my mind.
 
Like a fiend

I went a bit nuts on MDPV and Mephedrone the past few days. Went and signed up for mental health/outpatient treatment earlier today.

Now I'm back home, fiending like a motherfucker. I put my GF through so much and I feel like a complete dick but I still can't help looking around for little pieces of MDPV. Which in turn is pissing her off even more. I don't know what to do.
 
incredibly_stupid
after everything various family members have done, i should know better than to believe anything they say. like a dumbass, i try to think they can change.
but ppl don't change. a liar keeps lying. a thief keep stealing.
and i'm a total idiot for spending so many years hoping for change. not my responsibility now and i should have hit the road 8 years ago when my legal responsibility ended.
glad i'm headed north in a couple weeks. there will be much less emphasis on vacation and more on relocation. it's a shit time to sell real estate but this place is paid off, just taxes and insurance so it's not gonna stop me from leaving.
i really wanted to believe friggin' brat was being straight up. but somewhere in the back of my brain i knew, i knew he was full of shit.
-izzy
 
^You alright ZAP? :(


izzy66 said:
incredibly_stupid
after everything various family members have done, i should know better than to believe anything they say. like a dumbass, i try to think they can change...
i really wanted to believe friggin' brat was being straight up. but somewhere in the back of my brain i knew, i knew he was full of shit.
-izzy
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Sucks to be let down when you give people the benefit of the doubt. Dont be too harsh on yourself Izzy hun, giving people chances to redeem themselves is a good reflection on your character-doesnt mean you are stupid. You're right about saying 'enough is enough' though. <3

glad i'm headed north in a couple weeks.
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Consistent electricity suppy? ;)

ATM: Stifled :|
 
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happy - took everything I could but I went to a ptsd support group last night, broke down in tears and just let it all out. Today is beautiful out, meeting my friend for lunch she'll be by in few :).
 
Asclepius said:
Consistent electricity suppy? ;)
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lol, yeah electric that actually stays on is one major benefit.
----
i have to put many miles between because i cannot stay here and watch the death spiral. i have to get in a healthy place w/ positive people asap. i've given my entire adult life to a child i no longer recognize. at this point all i can do is hope he gets a grip before he ends up dead. it absolutely rips my heart out. i wanted to believe he was being honest but he hasn't looked me in my eyes for months and that's a big thing to me.
i've done all i can do for him.
i have no idea how many years i have left and i'm going "home" where there's a positive environment and reliable electricity.
thanks, Asclepius.
-izzy
 
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