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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

how are you in 1 word ?

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scared
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NSFW:
im in pain 24/7, sitting standing walking laying stretching bending breathing bathing fucking waking living. its awful but i dont take pain killers for it anymore as im "used to it" and the "it" that was is more then i allow myself to remember - while for 20 months its was horror, enough to now be trying to settle in as PTSD - thats okay, whats not okay is that the entire time, i was treated like a yelping stinking useless dying, dog who was/is a lying seeker. now the resource i rely on medical marijuana is being put under the light as something i use for "fun or recreation".

now, i am not a lying seeker, but am labeled as one who is also now "paranoid", ive had a tooth infection for about 5 months - had it worked on and told to have it removed after paying anyways 5xs more then having it removed 2-3 months a go - its poisoning me because this is what happens with infections, especially in those with autoimmune disorders. if iim found dead which would take a while out here (because there would finally be peace and quiet in others life) im saying here that this is to be looked at as to the cause with no contributing factors or self inflicted harm. this is a nuisance and bother to others, a situation disrupting their life; if even only momentarily its toooo much to put up with or trust - especially as a "paranoid individual", and yep as paranoid as this sounds, this the final catch-22 for me, as i have chosen to deal with them to even at some of the most profound extremes, and here we go again, or i any-how any way.

- this is going to kill me if nothing happens - or rot my brain lymphnodes and heart in the meantime, this is what happens with these things, it could really shut me up to have my jaw removed - it just is this way, this is natures course of action, by cause and effect - simple - but mentioning this and a desperate need for at least anti-biotics is "paranoid" what if when the pain comes back to over the top again? again, i sat here for 20 months waiting for actual help through diagnostics, pain relief, a healthy mental out-put... annnd NO has remained the only consistent answer still for 3 plus years. the medication and help i did receive, i can not even comprehend the destruction of still after 6 months of its un-coiling.

i have no insurance or money for a while yet, asking for this to go to the doctor would be a fight, asking for a ride to the doctor is a fight - asking for help in general is a fight - getting to help is also a fight - i cant even get to the store to feed myself properly, buy the food, or do the things i am court ordered too, it was a battle of explanation as to why i might need my klonopin during w/d...

these critical life altering circumstances i fuck with every day- i do try and do what i need to, but i just cant do it like this as is with the means available -my only transportation thinks this stuff is in my head - what will be in my head is all this shit as i sit my ass in jail, sick like i cant explain in any rational terms besides magnificent constant sickly pain and that just sounds kooky, but what else can i say... yes, on a scale of one to 10, ill give it a nine because im not leaving much room for surprises after all this - and i honestly do realize that here is worse, and people in worse pain, i am only lucky enough to speak/scream, to be able to explain it, if that makes any sense.
 
stellablue said:
Ready.....
Click to expand...

there is nothing we are ready for, because everything can and does always change, as long as we can accept that; we will see the most positive aspects of ourselves amongst all the change, and what comes from a hand full of loose change after holding onto it tight enough, then letting go?

a single more more pliable containable denomination which is easier to hold onto and keep along with all the change that makes it up.
 
HeWhoHowls said:
homesick.

Iv been away from Long Beach for about a month n ima go visit friday(2 or 3days away)
It cant come sooner
Does anyone else who find themself in a new home have those dreams where theyr back in the old home n wake up with crushing sadness??
Click to expand...

I would have the most vivd dreams I was was hugging my boy while I was sleeping, and when I woke up and he wasn't there I felt that sadness...

When I came home a few days ago I had the same dream, but when I realised he was actually there this time, it was euphoric <3
 
Stillprocrastinating.

All things considered though, today went far better than expected. Just a bit more stress tomorrow, and then it's smooth sailing for a little while.
 
finally...

NSFW:

surprise surprise ! now i find that remicaid annnd humira are both blackboxed medications...? for so familiar reasons.
lol - right, what the hell do i or other sick sacks care..?!?
weZ toast anyways.

do i want to sue them?
no, i do not want their money, and i doubt any attorney i could find would want to do so, because it would be the right thing to do.


it is very difficult to just, brush this off -
advocacy - people should be warned of these things, and if suffering a bizarre out of no where chronic negative reaction - the prescribing doctor should try and do something, or recommend someone who can, not treated like a walking talking contagious half-witted septic cancerous blood disease themselves.


simple fact and not paranoia - simply - my life and not a nightmare.
 
^Whoa. That's crazy. Glad you got off of it!

My word: Mixed
I'm sleepy and yet not.......maybe lazy.
I'm also sad b/c I'm about to go to work for the last time with the team I came in with.
I will be with my new team after that.......scary days ahead.
 
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