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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

how addiction has changed my personality and why i wanted to get addicted

T

takeitpersonal

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 30, 2012
Messages
16
hey,

I've been shooting heroin and whatever else for a while after a relatively late initiation into the drug scene (which I'm pretty thankful for, all the drugs where I grew up were shit!). Recently I met up with an old friend and we basically goaded each other into using more and more and getting fucked up all the time, which was fun but it drained all my money and I couldn't really function normally so I decided/was pushed into treatment (by my neeedle exchange). "Heh, why not?" I thought, "at least I'll save some money and function more normally for a while" even if I didn't want to quit properly.

I've been fairly honest with my keyworker, which resulted in being bumped from bupe to methadone as I am still using (only say, once a week) and they got really pissy about it. I don't know much about how treatment works but I got the impression from reading on here that many people use on top of their scripts? I kinda get the feeling I'm treated differently because I'm not toothless smelly and old (no offence to anyone). Anyway, my keyworker asked me to "think about what I want from treatment, you can't just use this to avoid withdrawal when you have no money" which is pretty much all I wanted.

So, yesterday I banged a load of speed all day and didn't have any h on the comedown so was just smoking weed and got into a weird comedown/paranoid/withdrawing (I use some of my sunday take out on saturday so am left without)/weed headspace and realised why I do what I do. It didn't start of this way, but this is how it is right now. Most of my life I've been a fucking pussy, afraid to stand up for myself, afraid of what I want, afraid of what other people thought, and I wanted to change that. Not meaning, I use drugs to be confident or something, meaning that, the junky mindset is one where selfishness is paramount, and so by getting that myself I've become more selfish. I kind of fell into heroin thru an ex partner, and have just run with it.

Addicts are very good at being selfish and manipulating, so I've been observing how they act and trying to learn from it, and being pushed into it as an inevitable result of addiction. I'm sick of being naive and being used. I got a call the friend mentioned earlier and they went into a long thing about how they could see me changing (for worse, in their opinion), about how they were sick of being selfish and using everyone around them yadda yadda and how they had to stop shooting (I taught them). Great, so it's working.

I'm not really sure what I want from treatment though. Like every addict, yeah I want to quit, just not right now. I realise that continuing just leads to nowhere. Being more selfish has actually raised my self esteem (door mats are invariably self-loathing) as I don't feel like shit, so I don't let people treat me like shit. I want to stop sticking needles in my body and quit smoking as I now care about my physical and mental health whereas before I didn't. I know there are other ways to raise self esteem, but addiction as an experience was something I wanted to go to. You can't really comment on it without having been there.

Don't trust any addict.
 
sounds like the "want to quit but not right now" is because of the physica/mentall withdraws.
ask yourself what is stopping you from quitting?
sounds like you want to quit, so get a good regimin for quitting and give it a try.
 
I am going to have to end some relationships with users or I won't be able to quit, which will be difficult. I'm not sure if I'm done with heroin for ever, but right now I just want a break, I want to be free from any opiate or drug beyond drinking and smoking weed a couple times a week, and get off these anti-depressants I'm on. This is because I don't have the money, am just a bit bored with shooting, and my body and mind need a break, and I've returned to studying (which I stopped before I became an addict) and I really can't focus when on heroin.

My plan is to stay off heroin, smoked or shot, or any opiate, and just be on the methadone for a few weeks, so that not using is now normal. Then switch to bupe and taper off, and remain opiate and needle free for at least a few months.
 
There is no good future for you if you continue relying/using/enjoying drugs. I would encourage you to make amends with drugs, and if needed, binge on them until you have had your fill, THEN GET OUT. Throw away all your paraphenalia, drop your using/buddies, and embrace life on life's terms. I really believe addicts (especially younger ones) can come out on top of theirs addictions and benefit from the mind altering experiences they had ONLY if they know when it's time to hang up their hat and STOP USING DRUGS. If you give up the drugs a few things will happen:

You'll have more money
You'll sleep/eat/ and look better
Your self-esteem will rise
Your confidence will rise
You'll start caring about how you look and act more
You will be more able to think clearly and make important decisions
You will have less embarassing experiences, low-lows, and never feel a hangover/comedown again
You will wake up in the morning eager to start the day and excited
You will be able to stick with things consistently (brushing/flowssing/ exercising)
You will do better in work & school

I'm about 100 days sober now, and I look back on the struggle to give up alcohol and heroin and just beam with happiness because none of it was in vain. I a m so much happier today and it's a lasting happiness that is there with me at the end of the night and with me when I wake up in the morning. I was addicted to using, and kept trying to use drugs/alcohol to cure my boredom and that spiritual void in my heart. I had what people in AA call "a spiritual awakening" when I realized that I could be used to help other addicts find a better life through sobriety. All of a sudden, my life had purpose, a purpose bigger than myself. And now I'm able to live sober, 1 day at a time, because I have such a good support network and I hang around people who don't drag me down or shove their bad habbits onto me.

I'm 27 and IMO that is the perfect time to give up the lifestyle. Because I have given up drugs/drinking, I'm going back to finish my Bachelor's degree, am starting volunteer work, and have a great career lined up. I'm exercising regularly/sleeping regularly/ and eating well. I'm single and free, with money in my pocket and a roof over my head.

And everyday I'm clearing away all the wreckage of my past (paying off debts, apoloigizing, helping others/ crying/ griveing whatever). It feels SO GOOD to be moving forward and improving as a human being instead of just spinning my wheels and driving my life into the ground over and over again. Things just keep getting better and better so long as I stay sober. I don't even drink because I'm an addict and have chosen a straight-edge lifestyle for the rest of my life. I retired from the druggie lifestyle and I would encourage you to do the same. The first 60 days will be very hard but if you make it past those 2 months you will never feel better and probley look back and wish you'd done this sooner. Do a U-TURN my friend, do a 180 turn and discover all the natural highs, buzzes, and peace that comes with sobriety. IT IS SO WORTH THE STRUGGLE!!
 
Thanks for you post, I will read it in more detail later as I'm just out for NYE (happy new year everyone btw).

One of the things I have planned is, to go skydiving with the money I would have spent on drugs, (will take about a month), as a reward for one month clean.
 
Especially since it seems like in becoming an asshole you also became a drug addict.

You say you're happy you're not a pussy anymore and that you're selfish, but how in gods name can you say that if you simultaneously have a heroin addict and want to quit? How can that have raised your self esteem when you're in this position?

Clearly somethings not lining up here.
 
It seems like you are using drugs as a means to feel like you have control over your life, or at the very least, as a learning experience about how to gain control over your life. Drugs are indeed a tool we use to exercise control over our bodies and get what we want, from medicine like Advil or penicillin that helps us deal with painful and/or deadly medical conditions to recreational drugs we use to have fun and enjoy ourselves. Personally, I feel like using illegal drugs is a personal victory of getting what I want in the face of adversity. But don't let that victory cloud your judgement on the effects an addiction might have on your health and opportunities in life. You can rarely if ever actually trust opinions about drugs and this is a difficult circumstance of subjectivity that can compromise your self-awareness.
 
I dont feel like addiction changed my personality and l definantly didnt want to become addicted. But for whatever reason god or the universe or whatever you believe wanted this to be part of my human experience. I was 29 when l touched heroin for the first time and l had a lot to lose, which ultimately l did. My experience with addiction has humbled me greatly, and l dont ever think l will take anything for granted again. Sometimes you have to experience the bad to truly appreciate the good.
 
thanks get2think but I don't think I'm ready to go totally drug-free just yet...hope it goes well for you.

SixStrongLines said:
becoming and asshole is not the solution to being a pussy..
Click to expand...

Yea I know. As I said in the beginning, I was in a pretty weird mindstate when I wrote that. Now I've had time to reflect I don't think it's as drastic as I put it. I have gradually started having greater self-confidence from not being depressed, concurrently with my use increasing (due to moving/availability) so I have also become selfish in the addict sense.

I want to quit opiates forever (that sounds so horrible though!) and am currently ok on only 30mg methadone, but can't stay like this indefinately.
 
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