House of Light &
the Morbid Punchline.
8/14/04
A cluttered house, full of open sexuality,
natural and care-free, and I envy
a life I was close to but now seems
lost to me, so far from me,
as I'm left dead cold
but strangely, still breathing,
as I'm watching
all their skins so close:
no bars between them;
childlike but gone that
useless innocence,
free in sex and life
and endless affection
and here I sit, cold,
numb and disconnected
just as before:
and I can't, I won't
take this anymore.
Nothing's fair.
I see it now, the
universe has no justice
but still it seems to have
that sick sense of humor (that's
become so familiar by now) and
my reccurrent situation is
the fucking punchline:
it's the fact that I'm here again,
the fact that I'm left behind,
numb and disconnected,
just as before:
that I'm left dead cold
but strangely, still bleeding:
a passive witness
to the good life.
And in this cluttered house of light
I feel like the dark, tiny center of the universe.
Life shows me all I can't have
just to draw out my torture.
Well fuck this, I want to go home,
lock myself in my room,
just keep to myself forever,
for-fucking-ever.
It was bad enough before
when I didn't know what I was missing
when I wanted a life so solitary,
to overcome the instinctual,
to engage in self-overcoming
but it all changed with her,
I couldn't help myself
and how I felt
and now I feel as if
I've been fooled, led into a trap,
took the bait,
been manipulated
into committing my own
emotional suicide:
I feel cornered and
abandoned through circumstance,
perpetually killed by desires,
both base and trancendent.
And I'm sorry, my two friends,
I just can't be happy for you.
I'm too overwhelmed at how I'm
sad for me and angry at
the dream you both are living.
And I'm sorry, dear, I can't smile,
not with you over there
and with me here, stuck in this again,
dwelling on who and what I lost,
dwelling on my lost liberation,
perptually reminded of
what might have been
had everything, for once,
just turned out right...
like all the life that surrounds
this dark center here
in this cluttered house of light.
the Morbid Punchline.
8/14/04
A cluttered house, full of open sexuality,
natural and care-free, and I envy
a life I was close to but now seems
lost to me, so far from me,
as I'm left dead cold
but strangely, still breathing,
as I'm watching
all their skins so close:
no bars between them;
childlike but gone that
useless innocence,
free in sex and life
and endless affection
and here I sit, cold,
numb and disconnected
just as before:
and I can't, I won't
take this anymore.
Nothing's fair.
I see it now, the
universe has no justice
but still it seems to have
that sick sense of humor (that's
become so familiar by now) and
my reccurrent situation is
the fucking punchline:
it's the fact that I'm here again,
the fact that I'm left behind,
numb and disconnected,
just as before:
that I'm left dead cold
but strangely, still bleeding:
a passive witness
to the good life.
And in this cluttered house of light
I feel like the dark, tiny center of the universe.
Life shows me all I can't have
just to draw out my torture.
Well fuck this, I want to go home,
lock myself in my room,
just keep to myself forever,
for-fucking-ever.
It was bad enough before
when I didn't know what I was missing
when I wanted a life so solitary,
to overcome the instinctual,
to engage in self-overcoming
but it all changed with her,
I couldn't help myself
and how I felt
and now I feel as if
I've been fooled, led into a trap,
took the bait,
been manipulated
into committing my own
emotional suicide:
I feel cornered and
abandoned through circumstance,
perpetually killed by desires,
both base and trancendent.
And I'm sorry, my two friends,
I just can't be happy for you.
I'm too overwhelmed at how I'm
sad for me and angry at
the dream you both are living.
And I'm sorry, dear, I can't smile,
not with you over there
and with me here, stuck in this again,
dwelling on who and what I lost,
dwelling on my lost liberation,
perptually reminded of
what might have been
had everything, for once,
just turned out right...
like all the life that surrounds
this dark center here
in this cluttered house of light.
