Mental Health Hopeless

[watermelon14]

Let me preface this by saying I don't expect anyone to read this or care, but I just need to get it off my chest, so here goes.

About two years ago, I started using illegal drugs with my best friend. Heroin, fentanyl, meth, you name it, I used it. I thought I'd found the answer to all my problems (I've struggled with extremely severe depression for as long as I can remember). I was in heaven: shooting up heroin all day and snuggling with my boyfriend all night.

Fast forward to the present, and now 1) that boyfriend has left me, won't even talk to me, 2) my best friend overdosed and died about a month ago, 3) my depression has gotten worse than I could have ever imagined and I think about suicide every day.

Now, before you get too worried, I'm not about to go kill myself. Yes, I think about it, but I'm not at the point of actually acting on those thoughts. However, I do find my depression to be unbearable. I am full of self-hatred - it's all my fault that I lost the love of my life, my best friend, and that I've disappointed my family.

I don't know where to go from here. The only times I feel somewhat okay are when I'm on drugs, so I'm constantly going back to them even though they've ruined my life. I feel like I don't deserve to live, there's no point in me staying alive - I've got no responsibilities, nobody who relies on me, I don't even really have any friends at all.

The reason I'm posting this at all is that I hope that maybe, just maybe someone will comment and say that they've been here, where it's truly unbearable to get through every day, and that they've been able to get past it, that it does get better. But I'm worried that's just not the case with me - nothing is looking up in my life and I have no drive to change that.

Anyway, I hope whoever's reading this is doing okay, at least. Thank you for reading.

 

[Britt_bratt]

Hey watermelon,

You are not alone. Our stories are frighteningly similar. First and foremost PLEASE DONT GIVE UP! It really does get better!!

I spent most my life an addict I've been clean for 4 years then went on a "7 month bender" and lost everything .. again. My job, my relationships/family, my money (in a disgusting amount of dept) and mostly my sanity.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your best friend, no one should ever have to go through something so horrific. That has impacted your mental state tremendously and it's a very hard and dark spot to get out of, but you have two options, let it consume you and put you deeper into drugs and depression or let it be a(awful) learning experience to get out of That lifestyle and make her proud of you and your accomplishments, I know she doesn't want you to hurt anymore.

I'll be lying if I said you just need to get off the drugs and things will magically get better cause it won't, but quitting the drugs is the first step of claiming your happiness and life back. They only give you a false sense of happiness for some time then they completely turn on you and become a living hell and reeks havoc on your mental state.
Have you ever thought about going to counselling for addiction/depression? I thought it was all bullshit till I decided to give it a try when I had nothing else to lose, and it truly does help over time. Also, if you can talk to your doctor about medications for depression, it can be a life changer..

I know the feeling about having no motivation or desire to live or continue on, but you must try and push yourself to get out there, even if it's just going for a walk or a trip to the mall, if you are not working trying to find a little job or even volunteer somewhere can really help pick up your mood and give you the sense that you are needed and wanted and although you may not want or are scared to over time it will give you a great sense of accomplishment.
It's important to talk to people you trust about your feelings, even if it's just on this site..
once you start to rebuild and work on feeling better mentally things will eventually fall into place, you will meet some great people on the way and I have no doubt that you will also meet an amazing guy! But you need to focus on yourself and your needs and learn self love and you will attract some great people.

These things will take time and you will have to work at it but life can be truly amazing and beautiful on the other side, please don't give up!!
Someone once told me "do/think positive and positivity will follow" I thought that was a load of shit then I tried it one day and was speechless. When I started changing my mindset and pursued positive living all these amazing things started coming into my life.
If you wanna talk about anything, I'm hear to listen! I hope you have a better day today and know you are not alone and there are people who love you, no matter what smile beautiful

 

[SebastianSkip]

I’ve ‘been there’. Over a year, daily, obsessed with ending my life. Seriously, only thing I could get really into was planning how I was going to kill myself and then getting really frustrated with myself for not doing it. I was convinced I was a worthless piece of sh*t, it was excruciating.

But it finally passed.

I’m not even sure why or how exactly but it did and while I don’t really know how to live yet I’ve learned how not to be self destructive and give myself a break. Life is easy in comparison.

If you can make it to the other side of this, there’s something really freeing about having been so low. I really need to read mythology again because there are hero journeys and I think it’s something like that. We travel to the darkest places and know things others don’t, when you get to the other side it’s not so much that everything is ok and good but it’s different. I’ll never feel that pain again, I know this. I don’t know how I know it but I just do.

Whatever you think makes you awful or unworthy, it’s probably a massive distortion. People f*ck up in all sorts of ways but it doesn’t make you a bad person or deserving of suffering. You’ll have a compassion and understanding that alone will make you a positive force in the world.

You can get sober and volunteer or just be nice, patient, listen to others. You definitely need help tho and it may require asking multiple people multiple times until you get what you need but it’ll come.

In the meantime, I bet there are other things you enjoy. For me it was comedy.

Fwiw, I suggest keeping things as simple as possible. Did you bathe, brush your teeth, eat? Try doing these things slowly and purposefully and give yourself credit for doing them. When we’re in these places the simple things are accomplishments and each basic task of self care a building block or step towards the next.

It’s ok if you live minute by minute.

Sending well wishes! You are not alone.