The following is my account of getting clean. It's written quite informally and may be a bit hard to read, so I apologise. I may add a bit of background too at some stage and go into more depth of my experience in rehab too. I can say that I was an utterly hopeless junkie, I was destroyed mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and it took me to get to this point before I finally asked for help and went to a 12 step rehab, followed suggestions and continued to do so. I will keep updating this with my progress every few weeks or so.
I would love it if this blog could give someone else in a similar situation I was in some hope. As for me being given hope was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.
My journey
After going up and down on my dosages, researching and trying out loads of different (failed) detoxes/cold turkeys, by the time I went into rehab I was on:
70ml Methadone a day
600mg to 1700mg Heroin a day
1 bottle of wine a day
2 or 3 Blue valiums most days, but not physically hooked on em
I had my last use up, then went into rehab. They gave me 70mg methadone on day 1, then 50mg day 2 then 30mg day 3. No more opiates after this!
They gave me lofexidine on the first 5 days (10, 8, 6, 4, 2), but the first 3 days I was on the methadone anyway so it was pointless really, there was no arguing with the doctos though! They gave me librium for those first 3 days too and a zopiclone on one night after complaining of no sleep for 10 days! Also at one point as well when I was saying to them I was gonna do a runner, they gave me Largactil (chlorpromazine) which actually really helped for about an hour.
It was the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. I was so fucking sick. Lieing in the bathroom puking and shitting, but far more concerned about having massive unbearable physical aches and pains, my legs Killing me, whole skeleton trying to escape my body, pouring in sweat, absolutlely freezing cold, mentally at the absolute limit of unbearableness, can't be even slightly comfortable in any way or form or relax at all. After the puking and shitting stopped, pain feels worse in legs, cant really describe it as pain, but just UNbearable feeling. Like if you were held under water and you get to the stage where you are so desperate for air it's unbearable and stay at that stage forever. Total fucking hell. 100% awake, experiencing all this for 12 days 24 hours a day, not 1 wink of sleep at all in this peroid. Start to get 20mins to 1 hour of sleep after day 12. ABsolutley NO energy, still restless cant sit down, cant stand up, can't lie down. Cold, weak, achey, fluey, emotional, feeling of doom/despair. Eventually after 21 days starts to get a TINY bit better. Getting a bit more sleep, falling asleep about 4am and waking up at 6am in a cold sweat feeling like shit. Slowly the symptoms go away, like really fucking slowly...
All of this knowing with one quick hit in an INSTANT it would all go away!
Fuck me, it was absolute hell. Hardest thing I've ever done. NEVER again!!!!!
41 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.
I am sleeping ok-ish now, but still no energy and a bit achey. Emotionally I don't feel good at all. Very unbalanced. Cannot see myself coping if this is what I am gonna feel like all the time. I am sort of struggling through the days, constantly looking at my watch wanting it to be time to go to bed. I am still in a bit of euphoria though having my feelings back. I have been on extreme highs and lows. Laughing for the first time and crying. Listening to music in a different way, depressed, wanting to use. Just all over the place. But I have faith that if I persist and follow the suggestions given to me I will be OK.
97 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.
Physically I feel fine now and I'm sleeping well. Mentally I am feeling better and better. The last 3 months have been very much ups and downs, more downs than ups, but slowly getting more of a balance. Can't wait to see how I feel after 6 months or a year of being totally clean. Does seem ridiculous I haven't given my body a rest like this in 12 or 13 years!
119 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.
Physically fine, sleep not so good, but I think it's due to living in a noisy hostel. Do seem to get random attacks of lethargy in the afternoons about 4 - 5pm, but perfectly managable! Been through some more ups and downs. No using thoughts that went past the line, learnt a new technique, as all my using thoughts are quite visual, I first of all turn it black and white, then I try to picture it as a photo then let it float away in the wind. Somehow it does help me! Had some moments of high senses of well being, really feeling content, which is a first for years, which is lovely! Laughing more, and feeling more connected to the world and able to connect to people better. I go to meetings, and it is great for my confidence, self esteem, etc, speaking more and more and gaining a nice group of (clean) friends. The low points aren't too bad, as I have now got people I can phone and talk them through. Getting a bit 'bored' sometimes, but I know its because I'm not doing anything, starting some volutary work soon which I think will do me good! Then when 6 months clean I've been given oppurtunity to work in a substance misuse charity, which will be great, as I love helping other addicts! Generally I feel 'ok' most of the time with 1 or 2 times in the week where I feel really good and have good fun and a laugh, and maybe 2 or 3 times where I get a bit depressed, but nothing I can't handle. 4 months clean tomorow, very proud of myself for doing this as I really was what I thought a hopeless case!
5 months 2 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.
It feels like the last time I edited this journal was much longer that a month ago. I have changed so much just in the last month! The ups and downs are much more balanced now. A bad today for me feels like a good day a few months ago! I have had a few little periods of feeling "whats the point" but I feel stronger getting through thm and in general I have a pretty consistent level of 'alrightness'! I have had some moments (glimpses) of pure joy and lots of laughter and happiness, which is just amazing, truly not felt like this is years and years. I am working a recovery program and I attend to group therapy sessions twice a week, a na meeting every day and I now have a sponsor who is an amazing man (25 years clean). I was so so cynical of 12 step groups before i got clean but they really help me and I am very much up for living a life based on spiritual guidelines.
I've started working a couple of 4 hour shifts voluntary at a book and music shop. It was suggested to me in my group therapy. I was like "Why would I want to work for free??" but it really feels good doing it, a new feeling I hadn't experienced before, giving something back, having been a taker all my life. It is great for my structure too. I no longer have that feeling where I am waiting for the day to end. I enjoy my evenings and cherish my time. The big thing for me was being able to have faith in something, even if in my head I felt I could prove it otherwise. Taking on suggestions of people who have experience with what I am going through, without saying "Yeah, but..." has been the best thing I've ever done. All throughout my life I was determined I could do everything by myself and that I knew the answers, finally I was beaten by the drugs into a state of reasonableness and asked for help. Since that day I began such an amazing journey that is the most positive thing I have ever done in my life!
I've also applied to go do a degree next September in 'Mental Health Nursing and Social Work', I have the required UCAS points to get in, so here's hoping. I feel it the perfect course for me, leading to a job that I really feel I would be good in and be able to help people with all sorts of mental health problems including addiction. The NHS pay for the whole thing too which is great. Very excited about this!
If someone had said to me 5 months ago I would be doing what I am doing, feeling the way I am feeling, have the new (clean) friends I now have in my life, have just applied to uni, I would have called them crazy!
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Thanks for reading, I will continue to update this every few weeks or so.
Oh also... Here is a recording of a speaker at a CA meeting I found very inspirational and very powerful. Really helped me on my journey listening to him so I thought I would share it here: http://xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=download&id=785
I would love it if this blog could give someone else in a similar situation I was in some hope. As for me being given hope was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.
My journey
After going up and down on my dosages, researching and trying out loads of different (failed) detoxes/cold turkeys, by the time I went into rehab I was on:
70ml Methadone a day
600mg to 1700mg Heroin a day
1 bottle of wine a day
2 or 3 Blue valiums most days, but not physically hooked on em
I had my last use up, then went into rehab. They gave me 70mg methadone on day 1, then 50mg day 2 then 30mg day 3. No more opiates after this!
They gave me lofexidine on the first 5 days (10, 8, 6, 4, 2), but the first 3 days I was on the methadone anyway so it was pointless really, there was no arguing with the doctos though! They gave me librium for those first 3 days too and a zopiclone on one night after complaining of no sleep for 10 days! Also at one point as well when I was saying to them I was gonna do a runner, they gave me Largactil (chlorpromazine) which actually really helped for about an hour.
It was the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. I was so fucking sick. Lieing in the bathroom puking and shitting, but far more concerned about having massive unbearable physical aches and pains, my legs Killing me, whole skeleton trying to escape my body, pouring in sweat, absolutlely freezing cold, mentally at the absolute limit of unbearableness, can't be even slightly comfortable in any way or form or relax at all. After the puking and shitting stopped, pain feels worse in legs, cant really describe it as pain, but just UNbearable feeling. Like if you were held under water and you get to the stage where you are so desperate for air it's unbearable and stay at that stage forever. Total fucking hell. 100% awake, experiencing all this for 12 days 24 hours a day, not 1 wink of sleep at all in this peroid. Start to get 20mins to 1 hour of sleep after day 12. ABsolutley NO energy, still restless cant sit down, cant stand up, can't lie down. Cold, weak, achey, fluey, emotional, feeling of doom/despair. Eventually after 21 days starts to get a TINY bit better. Getting a bit more sleep, falling asleep about 4am and waking up at 6am in a cold sweat feeling like shit. Slowly the symptoms go away, like really fucking slowly...
All of this knowing with one quick hit in an INSTANT it would all go away!
Fuck me, it was absolute hell. Hardest thing I've ever done. NEVER again!!!!!
41 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.
I am sleeping ok-ish now, but still no energy and a bit achey. Emotionally I don't feel good at all. Very unbalanced. Cannot see myself coping if this is what I am gonna feel like all the time. I am sort of struggling through the days, constantly looking at my watch wanting it to be time to go to bed. I am still in a bit of euphoria though having my feelings back. I have been on extreme highs and lows. Laughing for the first time and crying. Listening to music in a different way, depressed, wanting to use. Just all over the place. But I have faith that if I persist and follow the suggestions given to me I will be OK.
97 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.
Physically I feel fine now and I'm sleeping well. Mentally I am feeling better and better. The last 3 months have been very much ups and downs, more downs than ups, but slowly getting more of a balance. Can't wait to see how I feel after 6 months or a year of being totally clean. Does seem ridiculous I haven't given my body a rest like this in 12 or 13 years!
119 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.
Physically fine, sleep not so good, but I think it's due to living in a noisy hostel. Do seem to get random attacks of lethargy in the afternoons about 4 - 5pm, but perfectly managable! Been through some more ups and downs. No using thoughts that went past the line, learnt a new technique, as all my using thoughts are quite visual, I first of all turn it black and white, then I try to picture it as a photo then let it float away in the wind. Somehow it does help me! Had some moments of high senses of well being, really feeling content, which is a first for years, which is lovely! Laughing more, and feeling more connected to the world and able to connect to people better. I go to meetings, and it is great for my confidence, self esteem, etc, speaking more and more and gaining a nice group of (clean) friends. The low points aren't too bad, as I have now got people I can phone and talk them through. Getting a bit 'bored' sometimes, but I know its because I'm not doing anything, starting some volutary work soon which I think will do me good! Then when 6 months clean I've been given oppurtunity to work in a substance misuse charity, which will be great, as I love helping other addicts! Generally I feel 'ok' most of the time with 1 or 2 times in the week where I feel really good and have good fun and a laugh, and maybe 2 or 3 times where I get a bit depressed, but nothing I can't handle. 4 months clean tomorow, very proud of myself for doing this as I really was what I thought a hopeless case!
5 months 2 days clean of all drugs, meds and booze.
It feels like the last time I edited this journal was much longer that a month ago. I have changed so much just in the last month! The ups and downs are much more balanced now. A bad today for me feels like a good day a few months ago! I have had a few little periods of feeling "whats the point" but I feel stronger getting through thm and in general I have a pretty consistent level of 'alrightness'! I have had some moments (glimpses) of pure joy and lots of laughter and happiness, which is just amazing, truly not felt like this is years and years. I am working a recovery program and I attend to group therapy sessions twice a week, a na meeting every day and I now have a sponsor who is an amazing man (25 years clean). I was so so cynical of 12 step groups before i got clean but they really help me and I am very much up for living a life based on spiritual guidelines.
I've started working a couple of 4 hour shifts voluntary at a book and music shop. It was suggested to me in my group therapy. I was like "Why would I want to work for free??" but it really feels good doing it, a new feeling I hadn't experienced before, giving something back, having been a taker all my life. It is great for my structure too. I no longer have that feeling where I am waiting for the day to end. I enjoy my evenings and cherish my time. The big thing for me was being able to have faith in something, even if in my head I felt I could prove it otherwise. Taking on suggestions of people who have experience with what I am going through, without saying "Yeah, but..." has been the best thing I've ever done. All throughout my life I was determined I could do everything by myself and that I knew the answers, finally I was beaten by the drugs into a state of reasonableness and asked for help. Since that day I began such an amazing journey that is the most positive thing I have ever done in my life!
I've also applied to go do a degree next September in 'Mental Health Nursing and Social Work', I have the required UCAS points to get in, so here's hoping. I feel it the perfect course for me, leading to a job that I really feel I would be good in and be able to help people with all sorts of mental health problems including addiction. The NHS pay for the whole thing too which is great. Very excited about this!
If someone had said to me 5 months ago I would be doing what I am doing, feeling the way I am feeling, have the new (clean) friends I now have in my life, have just applied to uni, I would have called them crazy!
----------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading, I will continue to update this every few weeks or so.
Oh also... Here is a recording of a speaker at a CA meeting I found very inspirational and very powerful. Really helped me on my journey listening to him so I thought I would share it here: http://xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=download&id=785
xoxoxoxo Bella
lol