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hopeless case?

jasperkent

jasperkent

Bluelighter
Joined
May 19, 2015
Messages
7,436
Location
Chattanooga, TN
I'm 56, been using since age 12, alcoholic/poly-drug addict(DOC is opiates, but will take whatever ya got). Been to inpatient treatment 7 times, outpatient 5 times, 4 halfway houses. Been to thousands of 12-Step meetings and tried religion, psychotherapy/psych meds, everything else I could think of. Longest clean time: 2 miserable years.

I just can't seem to stay clean&sober. Can't live with drugs; can't live without 'em. I am seriously considering suicide-- anything is better than this.

Any suggestions? Anything at all? Please?

I am unemployed & using a public library computer, so if I don't respond right away don't assume the worst. On the other hand, death is starting to sound real cozy to me.

Sincerely,
jasper
 
there is no such thing as a hopeless case. I too started early, and opiates are my drug of choice. The only time that hope is given up is at death. Don't kill yourself. There is a very good chance that you can turn things around.

The only thing I can say about enjoying your clean time is you need to find something that you enjoy doing. There has to be something you enjoy in your life.
 
Examine what you have tried and do something different imho. I found light jogs through the forest with a bit of meditation most every day to be far more effective against anxiety-driven relapses than AA meetings ever were. Good luck Jasper!
 
You got this man take it from a alcoholic addict there's no hopeless case I was told by friends and family that I would be dead by 18 I'm 19 sober and loving life. If I can stay away from drugs and alcohol you can do it been to rehab twice and mental hospitals once you got this man.
 
manboychef said:
there is no such thing as a hopeless case.
Click to expand...

NSA already quoted this but I'll quote it again because I agree with it very, very strongly. There's no such thing as being in too deep with drugs that you can't climb out, in my opinion. You can choose to make different decisions vis-à-vis drugs regardless of your age or prior history of substance (ab)use. You can always try something different.

Don't commit suicide. Especially not over something as ultimately trivial as drugs.
 
Don't feel bad - I am 24 and I have been to literally to 29 institutions since 2010.
I still have not given up. You should not either.
Much love.
 
I know for certain, for myself that it is childhood trauma that I have to deal with as well as identifying all of my social problems. Using drugs at an early age I never learned to deal with my problems or grow as a person. I am selfish, irresponsible, socially and emotionally retarded and have a horrible time connecting with people. I don't require a large group of friends to have fulfillment but I do depend on having one or two good friends and I am just really over baring and have a horrible sense of boundaries. Maybe I have a little bit of Aspergers and Borderline Personality Syndrome? Even with that I can get help, go through therapy and work on all of these issues to be able to find fulfillment in life and stop all of the self destructive behaviors that effectively keep me from attaining happiness.

I believe that treatment resistant addicts may also find this sort of honest look at themselves, identifying all the factors that lead to the use of drugs to cope and stamping out negative behaviors and associations, will help them get out of that constant relapse cycle. It's not just abstinence that is required, it is a complete and total breakdown of oneself and rebuilding yourself from the ground up that will allow us addicts to attain peace and acceptance and allow us to acquire that natural selfless state of empathy and appreciation for ourselves and the people around us. Being able to form relationships where we can nurture others and get that back without the constant desire to fill the void with exogenous stimuli which deters us from finding pleasure and fulfillment through natural persuits such as intimate relationships, friendships, working towards goals in life and the endogenous reward system being enough.

Drugs over ride our pleasure centers which are there to motivate us to do positive things in life, fulfill biological urges, find joy in the appreciation of people and the beautiful symbiosis that happens when we care about others more than ourselves which in turn fulfills us. When drugs become the main priority for an extended period of time we stop experiencing these things the same way and we become less driven to do them. It comes back with time but patience and immersing yourself in a completely different way of life will encourage neuroplasticity and the autopilot drive to just get high fades over time it is just absolutely crucial that you do absolutely everything you can to work on yourself and build a fulfilling life for yourself and learn poaitive coping skills when the temptation comes. I am rambling but it is possible and you can do this, you just have to let yourself and not give up. Never wallow in self pity or negativity although that is the hardest thing to do when you are experiencing shame and have self image issues.
 
Wonderful creative writing Ligaturd, don't be so hard on yourself. As for the topic of the post I'm keeping my mouth shut.
 
I never lasted for long with just 12-step meetings. I am convinced that due to the neurologic changes in the brain brought on my opiates, I need additional chemical help. Subs didn't work (because I am too much of a sneaky dopefiend) and I jumped on the clinic last April. Now with 3 carries weekly it is easier to deal with. In my city, one goes to a different, smaller clinic after 3 carries. (I've been a doper since 1969. Now I am 63.)

I spoke today at AA and will never mention being on MMT. (My dose is 60mg BTW, going to 50mg in two weeks.) Generally, people do not care except for those who get an ego boost by putting people down.

Went back to drinking a few times and that's surely a relapse for me. Nicely, I quit smoking last July 2015. I have a special place in my heart for struggling dopefiends who are trying to get clean because I am one. An hour walk a day helps me with depression; can't wait for spring. Being able to tell the truth strengthens me. I can do that on Bluelight. God Bless my friends. Michael
 
Again, thank you all for the great suggestions. I am really struggling hard and it helps to hear that it may not be too late.

Bless you.

Peace&Love,
jasper
 
Got an appt. to start on Suboxone next week. I know it's just another addiction, but it's gotta be better than the constant dragon chasing that I'm doing now. It's a start. Wish me luck.

Peace&Love,
jasper
 
Thats great. And do not look at it as just another addiction. Some ppl have problems with depression because either due to abuse or genetics are constantly slightly below average with regards to dopamine/seratonin levels and you need a bit of help to function as everyone else. It is true that you can conquer it with proper mental strenght and detemination but that takes time and effort and many dont ever achieve it because they relapse first due to the pressure to be clean above all because of all the stupid stigmas and BS society has put on people using drugs to function.

Maybe you approached it wrong all these years, looking at it as this evil thing, anything to stop using. I think it should happen organic, you take sub. for example as long as you feel like you need it and slowly progress towards the state where you either quit or replace it with something lighter like pot while at the same time you need to structure alongside your life, you need things to look forward to, ppl to hang out with, meditation (check theravada buddhism meditation practices) as suggested above also works wonders, hobbies.

And when and if you feel like you can function without it then you quit. Until then, you might need it to get to that point. Let me ask you this, if you had all the money in the world, would you still try or want to quit or not?
 
Good food for thought, Placid. Had I been rich, I'd probably be dead by now. In my teens and 20's I was seeking extreme experiences. I took whatever I could get hold of and took life-threatening quantities. Now I would be perfectly content to just feel okay. Okay is nice.


Went to the clinic today and much to my surprise I had the option of methadone, which I took. It's cheaper than sub and of course doesn't have the horrible taste. They started me on a relatively small dose and I feel pretty good. Not high, just pleasant. It's probably like what normal people feel when they are simply having a good day.


Peace&Love,
jasper
 
I'm a few years behind you, but the same basic story. Got 5 years sober once, the last several of which were sheer misery. I don't think suicide's an option, but, as you say, the outcome doesn't sound so, so bad. But I'm still trudging forward in hopes of brighter days ahead. Whether those days are with or without drugs, I don't know, but I'm hopeful that the gloominess is only temporary.

To quote a song "I'd rather ride a rollercoaster than a merry-go-round".

So many times I end up at the bottom of the roller coaster thinking "this sucks", but then I get lifted, or maybe I pull myself back up to the top, and then things are good. And while i know it'll dip again, I also know that I'll end up getting past it again, if only i have a little bit of hope.

But as for the drugs and drink? I don't know what to tell you. I've resolved to not let others opinions bring me down. I honestly almost feel like those are the only things that have enabled me to live for as long as I have. So if that's the medicine i need to take to get by, then that's what I'll do.
 
666ras~

You and others here have made several good observations. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one in the world who sees things the way I do.

I'm on day 4 of methadone maintenance (only 40mg/day) and I'm feeling pretty comfortable & not craving anything else. I am drinking 4 or 5 beers every evening, but that's a lot better than the former half-gallon of liquor daily. I plan to wean myself off the beer, too. I kinda miss smoking weed, but it's not worth the risk of a dirty urine screen at the clinic. No big deal.

Peace&Love,
jasper
 
placid space said:
Thats great. And do not look at it as just another addiction. Some ppl have problems with depression because either due to abuse or genetics are constantly slightly below average with regards to dopamine/seratonin levels and you need a bit of help to function as everyone else. It is true that you can conquer it with proper mental strenght and detemination but that takes time and effort and many dont ever achieve it because they relapse first due to the pressure to be clean above all because of all the stupid stigmas and BS society has put on people using drugs to function.

Maybe you approached it wrong all these years, looking at it as this evil thing, anything to stop using. I think it should happen organic, you take sub. for example as long as you feel like you need it and slowly progress towards the state where you either quit or replace it with something lighter like pot while at the same time you need to structure alongside your life, you need things to look forward to, ppl to hang out with, meditation (check theravada buddhism meditation practices) as suggested above also works wonders, hobbies.

And when and if you feel like you can function without it then you quit. Until then, you might need it to get to that point. Let me ask you this, if you had all the money in the world, would you still try or want to quit or not?
Click to expand...

This is really really good advice. Couldn't have possibly said it better myself. The most successful recovering addict are those who's recovery happens organically, who focus on being as kind and gentle with themselves as they possibly can. That isn't an invitation to use, as using isn't being kind to one's self. But rather, not just trying to beat the square peg into the round hole over and over again, hoping something will miraculously change, well, that is addiction my friends (doing the same thing, expecting a different result - it's actually a great argument for the efficacy of MAT).
 
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