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Hopeful.

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Run2421

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2017
Messages
15
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText]I've used drugs and alcohol in some form or fashion since I was about 14 years old. However it wasn't until I was a junior in high school that I truly discovered the wonders of opiates. (I say wonders because I had no grasp whatsoever of the horrors that came with them at that point.) after getting my wisdom teeth removed I was prescribed a prescription for hydro 5mg. I remember laying in bed just absolutely loving how it felt. I believe I was only 16 or 17 then. (22 now) From that point forward it just steadily got worse. My friends took them too and I'd take them randomly whenever they came into our hands but after I couple times we would start actively seeking them. Forget parties all we wanted to do was "chill and vibe". The worst part is that my parents saw this as me being a good kid instead of going out and getting MIPS DUIS and what not. It's quite ironic looking back. After a few years of recreational use turning into daily use and then dependency I finally realized I had a problem and wanted to change. I moved away from my hometown and all my friends and connects and went to live with some family I had further north. After moving I successfully quit cold turkey (mostly bc I had no idea where to get anything and I came clean to my family about everything, left myself with no choice pretty much.) and started going to meetings weekly while getting a job and saving money and starting to work out. Everything was on the up and up. I completed the program I had enrolled in and got my sobriety coin and everything, after about 8 months I moved back home. Things were good for awhile, I got a different job and started going back to school. I took An oxy again probably a month back into being home, and a couple more times in the months to come, however this time I knew what drugs did to me and was determined to keep it under control. I'll be okay if it's only once in a while I told myself, and it worked, for awhile. However slowly but surely use increased and before I knew it I was using harder opiates than I ever had previously. Snorting dillys and panda while taking oxy and hydros whenever I could get it. However I eventually blew through my savings and ran out of money to support my habit that had once again spiraled out of control and was left to face every addicts worse fear, those unbearable, hellish withdrawals that come with quitting heavy opiate use. [/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText]I am now about a week clean and almost completely withdrawal free and I think I really will never put myself through this again. I am pretty determined. [/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText]This time around I was able to finally conquer the inevitable WDs by using (very sparingly), kratom and xanax. Kratom is a leaf that binds to the same mu receptors in your brain as opiates do, just much less intense. I found this to be a miracle in helping fend off the physical WD symptoms; such as RLS, sweating, and cravings. Kratom doses are usually recommended at about 3-5g. I took them in capsules. However I didn't want to create another habit of abuse this time so I took the least amount possible at once which was only taking 1 capsule (1g) at a time. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText]While Kratom helped with the physical part of my WD the psychological part was still an entire separate monster to deal with. That's where the doses of xanax have helped tremendously. When I take them I try and only take .25 mg. At a time. And usually only twice a day if I can help it. Doing this for the first 7 days to help cope literally worked absolute wonders. I know I have a long way to go in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle but the progress I've made so far feels good. I'm determined to live my life a different way, and having quit one time already I can remember how it feels when your head fully clears and you no longer are constantly bogged down by the thought of getting high. Any advice aside from the generic na meetings and what not that I already know about (and will probably utilize to some extent) would be greatly appreciated. Reading other people's stories always helped me when I was feeling dark. I hope this can possibly reach somebody. There is hope. You can win. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText]Godspeed.[/FONT][/FONT]
 
I almost wish I would have titled this thread something different maybe In hopes of getting some more support. This afternoon a wave of despair has hit me and I've done my best to cope without taking anymore Xanax or even smoking any weed. Fuck. Everything just seems so grim. Feeling like I'm back in the dark.
 
Seems like this more or less will be a journal for myself but that's okay as I find solace in going back over what I've written.
Update: smoked just a little bit of weed, feel worlds better. We'll see how the rest of the night goes. Still have HW to tackle.
 
Hey look, you have you're entire life ahead of you! You are only 22, really glad you have 'noticed' something was going on with you earlier then later..ya know?

There's a little something that our brains go through called paws,'post acute withdrawal syndrome' where we are pretty much a quart low on oil in our brains, and it takes time before our brains are healed from all the stress we have put on it.
So. That being said, keep up the good work and staying away from those opiates,and hard drugs. Just be really careful with the xanax, and kratom use. A little is okay if you can handle it, and not let it set off the 'phenomenon of cravings',I don't really recommend you keep using it,but hey if you are happy with it then I am happy it works for you. :)
 
Thanks for the insight D, yeah I'm young but for me i guess the biggest downer is I feel I should have more accomplished than I do already, I've always been the confident and capable type, and at first the opiates only amplified those traits in my personality, but over time I've found that when I'm without them it strips me of those qualities as well.
Also I totally hear you. I don't know if I mentioned but when I've taken the kratom it's only been 1 capsule at a time which is actually 2 grams under the recommended dose. It definitely doesn't get me high or set off any kind of "reward" and I definitely don't want it too as I know how that works. & ive tried to do the same with the Xanax by only taking .25 at a time once and maybe at most twice daily, the individual doses total only an 8th of a Xanax bar. Which was kind of my whole goal was to take it simply for its medical purpose, to reduce anxiety and depleted moods, but I didn't actually want to feel any "rush" or "high" from either of them as then I feel I'm just replacing substances and avoiding the inevitable reality, I have to tolerate and function as a sober minded person. Thats the goal at least. Thanks for insight, honestly just knowing people read and reply is comforting.
Godbless.
 
I bet you could regain that confidence a lot easier once you are without the xanax and kratom altogether. Benzos have a way of creeping up and causing more anxiety than they ever treated so really go carefully there and never stop cold turkey.

But the best thing you will ever do for yourself and your confidence is to eschew the habit of harshly judging yourself. If you treat yourself like you would your best friend--encouraging the good habits and the good traits and trying to understand and empathize with those that seem detrimental to him(or her)--you can really be able to see rock solid progress in your self-esteem. You get enough pressure to always be achieving, always be succeeding at something from the outside--why do it to yourself. Having goals is wonderful but feeling the pressure to perform is grueling and usually leaves people feeling empty in the end. <3
 
Honestly man I'm not too worried about the Xanax just bc I've abused it before and that lead me to hate it. Like actually despise the feeling it gave me in my stomach and the taste in my mouth. That's why I take it in such small doses only bc I don't even wanna "feel" it. That is some of the best advice I've ever received though, about looking at yourself as you would your bestfriend. Truly. Thankyou for the insight I'll do my best to think of those words, especially during the low swings. Can't thank you guys enough for the advice and kind words.
 
Like others have said once you fully quit and have some sobriety under your belt the cravings will be far less. For some reason I would get severe cravings when using and immediately after quitting, but once I hit the 1-2month mark I noticed my cravings were more socially geared, like I missed hanging out with friends and getting high together rather than missing the feeling of being high. At about 3 months now, I really don't feel like I miss being high anymore. I've been around people who are intoxicated and it just seems like a bigger hassle than its worth. Personally I know I can't use without causing more problems than I solve with drugs.

Getting clean is one things that I truly do not regret nor do I feel that I will ever regret it. There are definitely some things that I miss about getting high but when I was getting high all the time there were things I missed about being sober.

It may be a battle but I doubt it will be one you regret fighting, it hasn't been for me.

Like herbivore said, treat yourself like you would your best friend. Beating yourself up won't benefit anyone. Believe in yourself even if you fail, remind yourself that emotions will pass even if you feel like they wont. Things can get better with time if we work toward a positive future.
 
So far no Xanax or kratom at all today. Hasn't been the best day but I just keep telling myself it was better than those first few days.
 
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