EcHo EcHo
Bluelighter
Previous Title: Childhood -- Adulthood - Husband - Father - Widower - How do I fix this..?
Growing up I was your average kid. I had what I needed and fortunately much of what I wanted. At the age of 16 I tried my first drug, which few consider an actual drug at my age now, and I left it at that. One thing I always wanted was a family, I knew that even from a young age. I'm likeable and loveable by nearly everyone of all ages, backgrounds, and walks of life.
However at the age of 18, 3 weeks after I graduated high school, I was in a MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident) and sustained several severe injuries, notably a skull fracture and brain hemorrhage resulting in a coma and subsequent amnesia after awaking. It was like living through childhood all over again with the benefit of what I'd learned through life experience not being taken away, instead the loss of knowing what emotions were and how to handle them, what they meant, how to tell which one's to trust... I made it one year before running into a high school acquaintance that could tell something was wrong, we were at a club, I love to dance, he offered me something I knew nothing about and I took it not knowing any better. Four days later it wore off, I'd found my way to easily accept emotions and do with them what I wanted. For the next 3 years I spent my time trying every form of drug/medicine in existence.
I spent the following 18 months trying to get my head on straight and discern reality from dreams, imagination, and hallucinations. Once I felt confidence and ambition within myself again I moved 5 hours away with no family to be dependent on or friends to dissuade my pursuit of mental stability.
Two years later I moved back to a city I loathed due to a broken heart. Girlfriend left me for someone she'd met online that lived 20 hours away and left her three kids with their dad 10 minutes away from my house. I haven't seen the kids since the weekend before she left. I needed a complete overhaul of living environment, not to run but so not to be buried alive by grief & history. I made plans to go to college and study medicine, meaning anatomy for the most part. I wanted to become an X-Ray Tech and continue school while working to also become a R/N. I knew this would take between 3-4 years and another 1-2 years to save up to move, I planned on moving from the U.S. to Australia. With everything planned and school starting in 6 months I moved back to a hell I left behind.
As the 6 months went by I'd found work and saved up money, I kept to myself, exercised, studied what I'd be taking in school because it was the profession I desired. Month 7 I started school. I talked with my professors about my plans & goals and asked them how I could excel. My study group was a doctor that took Anatomy II yearly just to keep it all fresh in his mind and two nurses, both with years of experience under their belts and taking the classes to further their nursing careers. The end of month 7 I met Katie. On Valentines day she showed me the magnitude of her drug problem. I had just turned 27, she was about to be 22, and her son was 2 1/2. The beginning of March Katie asked me to help her quit. She was afraid of losing her son completely and her own life in the process. At her age I was in the same situation, minus having a 2 year old to take care of. I couldn't walk away and say no, and for more reasons than I care to share at this point. The last time I remember going to school was the middle of March 2007.
Yes, I knew I would get pulled in with her. No, I didn't get pulled in or down so far that my goal eluded me. It took us 5 months to get her clean and physically healthy.
2 months later we found out we were pregnant and due the end of April. After everything we'd been through together we loved one another without question. Her son, Brad, was 3 years old now and loved me as a father. October 20th, 2007 Katie and I were married and the beginning of May our daughter, Emily, was born. I was working as a mechanic and making $2500 a month. She was working at Golds Gym as a receptionist until into her third trimester. My joy came from having what I'd wanted to begin with, a family of my own. Then we let two people interfere in our family and our marriage that we should have never listened to, my mother and her father, two control freaks neither of which liked the others child. Katie & I were ripped apart and my son and daughter were with her, where I never knew thanks to her father. It made no sense why he would hide them away somewhere nor why I couldn't get any help from the sheriff's department, local police department, state police, or DHR (Department of Human Resources), aka CPS (Child Protective Services). My mother hid it for over a year and a half, but one day told me what she'd been doing to my in-laws vehicles and houses as well as anything else she could effect to show spite and malice.
Less than 3 months later my family and I were picking up the pieces. 30 days later Katie and Emily were in a MVA. The car did several barrel rolls, Katie was thrown from the car, Emily wasn't hurt in any way at all. The news called it, "A Miracle In The Midst Of Tragedy." With her departure began a custody battle, a fight between grandparents that I would have to quell alone, and my own struggle with emotions that had now become more than I could have known how to handle before amnesia, which I still hadn't fully recovered from.
6 months later, arising out of despair and confusion, began my second battle with a drug I chose simply because it reminded me of Katie.
I got over cravings and addictions years before, didn't take long to overcome them again, but I was left simply wandering, "What do I do now, how can I fix the mess I made while trying to destroy myself?"
I made sure my daughter was safe, I haven't seen my stepson since the week before Katie's MVA, I'm honest so everyone knew what I was doing because I told them.
I had destroyed most of who I was, for the last 16 months I've recovered my mind but at the cost of sloth and my daughter having her father.
Right now I'm crying, because for the first time I've put this into words and although I've been vague to 15 years worth of details I've left nothing out and my story is one of much pain and loss, I made decisions and choices, I lived them, but my daughter doesn't have to, not any longer. My mother in-law and I stay in touch because she's got custody of my daughter. I can see Emily and talk to her whenever I want, now that my head is back in the game I want to know how to pick up our father-daughter relationship and do what I need to do for her & I so we can know one another again, she still calls me daddy, we still get along and have fun, but I created a gap in time spent together that's left a hole and if I don't fill it then I won't be part of her every day life, as a father should be in my eyes. In the last 16 months I've only seen her half a dozen times. I haven't seen her often due to lack of a vehicle and I moved in with my dad, an alcoholic, my step mom, and my sister to help me and to help them. My father isn't allowed to be around my daughter as my mother in-law and I agreed.
Any stories of similar circumstances, any advice, any opinions, any help, anything at all, please share it.
One of you, One of us, None of them,
EcHo =o)
PS - The Dark Side & Sober Living, neither seem to be the proper spot for this, should I just blog it? This has my Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor, Psychiatrist, Psychologist, church family, and a handful of chat friends throwing suggestions at me left and right but they're somewhat random aside from the 3 professionals advice, which included a note that there is no book or guide on this sort of thing coming from my stand-point.
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It just dawned on me I'll be doing exactly what you said, I'm listening to my daughter, hence my desire to show her (teach her) I'm here and a parent fights for their child, through which I'm learning what and how to share this with others.