hook ups always turning into piles of shit

[venus_]

hi im female, recently broke up with my boyfriend i guess, about a couple months ago. i just went through a realization where i do NOT want to belong to anyone and i want to brave the world with all its uncertainty and betrayal and sexual disaster again i suppose... because thats better than being trapped i guess. i love him but he doesnt love me and im done waiting for him to appreciate me. if its there its there, of course we are still involved with each other and i believe if were meant to be then we will be, simple as that. i am done making my feelings match an obligation.

so theres this guy i was fooling around with and now its over. he actually has a gf. i really dont want to be with this guy, i just think hes hot and i like the way he looks at me and the way he pokes me with his fingers.... really thats it though. hes a really cool guy and a good kisser and we hooked up multiple times but i NEVER got off once. i just felt liek the foreplay stuff kind of accelerated too quickly and i was stupid and just went a long with it... but now i feel like a pile of shit...

he basically has told me that we arent a good match and that its too much effort to get me to come. like wow, thats rough to hear. the trouble with me is that this happens damn near every time i hook up with a guy, no exceptions. like what is a girl to do to get some sexual satisfaction without the guy getting down on his knee and professing his undying love and ever lasting patience ? cuz thats really not what im looking for right now. but a little more patience and open mindedness about what it takes to get a girl off would be nice.

hes said that hes had many experiences where the sex just goes fast and its hot and theyre having amazing mutual orgasms in five minutes. must be nice. i just feel as though i am a big let down and i know that honestly i am. to him anyways. thats what he wants, and theres no damn way i can give any guy this at this point... and this is what im dealing with..

im a lone girl now and i would like to think satisfaction and a nice intimate encounter is possible without a relationship, in fact thats what i am seeking without any doubts or kidding myself about my real intentions. but how do i go about doing this when this is how it always ends up? i feel like men want quick and easy sluts if they want something that is only sexual, in fact there is no doubt about this. but this is not how i am and i am now at a very depressing state and i dont know how to handle myself or how to feel.... i know what i want but who the hell wants to even bother with me, being like this ? i just in general deal with alot of anxiety and nervousness and guilt about all of this, feeling like i have to apologize alot for not being easy to please, and its all just embarrassing and shitty....

this guy attempts to assure me but i know its only because hes trying to be nice. point blank problem here: how do i deal with this happening and is there any hope for me being satisfied outside of a relationship ? in a world with men like this? please people this is a sensitive issue dont be rude.

 

[munki]

Sounds like you are probably among the majority of women who are not able to have orgasms from intercourse. You probably need extended oral pleasures in order to get off. A good friend of mine is like this. She only really gets off if someone goes down on her for a while, never during intercourse. Her own boyfriend occasionally gives her guilt trips about her inability to come instantly after he puts his cock in her. Some women can come that way, but definitely not all. I just watched this documentary that said something around 70% of women are not able to orgasm from intercourse.

That guy just seems like he doesn't want to do any work. There are plenty of guys out there who really love going down on a woman, and will do so for as long as it takes for her to come, preferably multiple times.

 

[paranoid android]

Find a guy that's good at eating out and getting you off that way. Problem solved then maybe

 

[sleepy]

Venus - first, you are extremely hard on yourself for being a normal, woman. most women don't get off by some dude's dick poking in and out of them, frantically, while they cum in thirty seconds. it's just not the case: outside of male created porn, it's just not the case. there are plenty of men out there who pride themselves on their abilities as lovers, but for whatever reason, you're not attracted to these men at this time, or they you, or a bit of both? i don't mean to "blame the victim"! just know that you're not abnormal, and these ideas that these men you've been w/, that they've, in turn, focused on you, and thus found a criticism, is a manufactured reality, not based on real women, or their bodies.
best of luck - try to cut yourself some slack. and while you're licking your wounds, maybe it makes more sense to hang w/your girlfriends, or cultivate those relationships, then go back into the dating game when you're strong and more able to not take anothers' inadequacies personally.

best of luck
g

 

[venus_]

thanks guys it was honestly at many times a fun experience..... but it was so difficult to have to explain to him what i needed and i swear im not sure if he really understood i dont think he ever did lol. i was pretty obvious about it too, i just literally think that maybe he had never ever been with a girl like me, as in the other chicks did get off super easy.... which like makes me feel kinda worse lol, but also its easy to see why it would be tough for me to be the first one he met, cause that almost seems like thats what it was like, or else he jsut was being lazy. ... which would be lame....... lol....

if i eve rhave sex with someone i always desire to be made to coem in other ways first i have no idea why.... but its mostly because i dont even know if i will come with them during sex.... and i do believe that if i come with them other ways it makes me just more believable and comfortable having sex with them, i think they might acutally make me cum....'

but he never wanted to spend enough time on the foreplay like what a classic fuck up lol..... oh well.... i just cant believe that in the modern day and age a guy wouldnt suppose that a lady might be like that and prefer to be at a time in their lives like i really feel like he didnt get it or was just play ing dumb... he would like act like he got what i was saying, but he didnt really wanna act on it....

 

[Thou]

theyre having amazing mutual orgasms in five minutes. must be nice.

5 minutes of sex is by no means 'nice' in my book. It's not even decent. It's a waste of condom and or/20,000 potential little Jerries and Vickies.

When you find the right sexual partner I have a feeling you'll know how gratifying it can be to have longer sessions.

I don't mean to play the drug card as I'm always being called out on it, but this is, after all, a harm reduction centered recreational drug website. I'll elaborate on this point after make this one;

Personally I've found the best sex to be with not necessarily a confirmed 'partner', but a seasoned, intimate friend lets call it. This wouldn't be a roll of the dice get laid type thing, as it seems like you're looking for [a bit] more than that that, even if its not an official relationship.

Unfortunately, these things can sometimes take time. You might get lucky and find the right guy who enjoys sex as a spiritual release rather than a novel kick. I wouldn't necessarily call this rare but I'd agree it certainly isn't going to find you.

The reason I mentioned drugs is because, in my personal experience, with the types of lovers I've mentioned who are empathic, devoted, and fun; drugs are typically used to augment and extend the integrity of the experience. This can be done with any of the traditional psychedelics or even the newer compounds if you're versed in those disciplines as well.

Fucking on 2c-b, Ketamine, Lsd, Mushrooms, etc. all created a drawn out, radical, primal, king-hell experience.

The reason I mention these things is because you say you have trouble achieving orgasm with men. Most men are selfish and won't alter themselves to help their women, I say most, and I AM generalizing which is wrong, but I'll still do it. Men are pricks and they can go fuck themselves.

The dominant culture has pharmaceutical products that act to withhold orgasm. These are awful and unnecessary. I've found that any of the classic psychedelics will not only increase tactile sensation and libido but also extend intercourse by an hour or so, given that you don't rush into it too soon. That's the only trouble, is you'll have to deal with a few hours of fun before getting to...

a few hours of fun. Essentially. How, hideous a calamaty.

Now I am Having a bit of fun here and I understand that not everyone wants a 6 hour hurrah every time they want to go to bed. For this I recommend either tantric/meditative or yogic practices, or shorter drugs.

5 meo DALT comes to mind quite swiftly I must say, and I've already mentioned ketamine. In and out in forty five minutes.

More like, in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and etc.


Bout' forty five minutes.




Now mind you the only problem I've run into is on MDA/MDMA type drugs. They seem to make orgasm impossible for men which I myself don't personally consider all that terrible (especially for the women ),

Find friends. Don't go out to bars and try to get laid. That's trashy and yes I'm editorializing. You get what you pay for, in time and money, respectively.

 

[venus_]

do u think that guys would think its lame if a chick only wanted to do stuff other than sex.??

im not kidding in every hook up guys push for sex it seems like.... and i just dont wanna do that even by now.... like really its to that point. its not that i dont enjoy it but i need to feel 100 percent comfortable with the person.... otherwise i cant relax really, sometimes i can if its very new and its fun sex but never orgasm from it. i just wish guys were naturally different... it almost seems as though a girl literally has to like wrestle with them a bit to slow down and theres always so much explaining at times.

i guess maybe i should have realized the sex styles of me and him and what we wanted... he wanted something quick and easy and i wanted something slow and simmering.... although just for the sake of casual sex in both cases...


but do you seriously think that most chicks cant get off regularly from sex?? i mean ive read the data too and find myself there now in my life.... but honestly it seems like to me guys always want to find out right away if u can come that way and i just hate having to go through that and back them up.... i wish theyd get it. they do this to the point where its like they almost believe that you probably can... and then its like k, back up buddy its awkward having to pull away wether its just emotionally or physically .

like seriously!!! im done having actual sex with guys other than my ex. do you really think guys would be down with this? you guys suggest finding a guy who will eat me out..... it seems like guys dont really desire this in the natural discourse of things, like as if theyve mostly got i dont know how to work it pussy eating phobia or something. and i make sure im shaved and not smelly so i dont know what the issue is with that. ive asked point blank but it really seems like guys expect women to respond so quickly....

to be honest im not really open to experiencing sex on drugs... i find myself feeling really uncertain about sex when im too high and i doubt i could come in that state any more easily lol... i just get a general feeling of more anxiety because im high but thanks for the suggestions..

 

[Changed]

Personally, I prefer eating pussy to fucking. I can jerk off if I want to blow my load without the risk of pregnancy or messing with contraception. Making a girl cum 10 times in a row with my tongue and a finger is way more satisfying for me-- most anybody can get hard and shove it in.

Then again, most guys probably aren't going into a hook-up looking to munch on your box.

Sounds like you're not really sure what you're looking for at this point-- maybe take a break and come back with a clear goal for yourself sexually...

 

[severely etarded]

Have you tried doing the work on top?

 

[GenericMind]

It sounds like you've basically thrown in the towel with sex. I certainly wouldn't do that yet. I've encountered my share of women that are difficult to make orgasm, but that's because every woman is different. I don't expect to roll in there and expect to have them flooding the bedroom with gushing waterfalls immediately because it takes time to learn a woman's body and what it responds to, what it likes, and what it needs. Solving that puzzle together is what CREATES the excitement in the bedroom imo.

Ideally what you need to do is find a guy that A) Isn't so selfish in the bedroom and B) Is eager to put in the effort to learn how to give you an earth-shattering orgasm. Unfortunately, in the realm of "hooking up" that might be hard to do. Most guys just want to get their nut with a hookup and care about little else. If you can't find a guy that is willing to work to get you off, you can still enjoy yourself during these hookups. You just have to try a little harder.

Remember that you hold some pretty powerful leverage, something that men do almost anything to get at. Don't be afraid to be more assertive and ask for things that will help you reach satisfaction. Most guys will go along with almost anything to get it in. If they can't hit the right spots, bring a small vibrator into the equation. Some guys aren't aren't afraid of toys. Also, masturbate(a lot) and experiment with different kinds of fantasies, paying attention to the one(s) that get you off the easiest. If the guy isn't stimulating your mind properly, block his dumb ass out and use those in your head to do it yourself. Don't be too shy to direct his mouth/tongue/hands/dick like a traffic cop if you have to. "To the right a little", "A little faster", "Not so hard", etc.

In the end, sex is what you make of it. Since you're not looking for a relationship you can't expect every guy you hook up with the be Mr. Awesome Sex Machine or to know how to push your buttons. If his magic stick is made of lemons, squeeze some lemonade out of that motherfucker.

 

[sleepy]

It sounds like you've basically thrown in the towel with sex. I certainly wouldn't do that yet. I've encountered my share of women that are difficult to make orgasm, but that's because every woman is different. I don't expect to roll in there and expect to have them flooding the bedroom with gushing waterfalls immediately because it takes time to learn a woman's body and what it responds to, what it likes, and what it needs. Solving that puzzle together is what CREATES the excitement in the bedroom imo.

Ideally what you need to do is find a guy that A) Isn't so selfish in the bedroom and B) Is eager to put in the effort to learn how to give you an earth-shattering orgasm. Unfortunately, in the realm of "hooking up" that might be hard to do. Most guys just want to get their nut with a hookup and care about little else. If you can't find a guy that is willing to work to get you off, you can still enjoy yourself during these hookups. You just have to try a little harder.

Remember that you hold some pretty powerful leverage, something that men do almost anything to get at. Don't be afraid to be more assertive and ask for things that will help you reach satisfaction. Most guys will go along with almost anything to get it in. If they can't hit the right spots, bring a small vibrator into the equation. Some guys aren't aren't afraid of toys. Also, masturbate(a lot) and experiment with different kinds of fantasies, paying attention to the one(s) that get you off the easiest. If the guy isn't stimulating your mind properly, block his dumb ass out and use those in your head to do it yourself. Don't be too shy to direct his mouth/tongue/hands/dick like a traffic cop if you have to. "To the right a little", "A little faster", "Not so hard", etc.

In the end, sex is what you make of it. Since you're not looking for a relationship you can't expect every guy you hook up with the be Mr. Awesome Sex Machine or to know how to push your buttons. If his magic stick is made of lemons, squeeze some lemonade out of that motherfucker.

lol! :D
that is great advice! i second that. maybe if you "took care of yourself" more often, then you'd have some good fantasies ready to go in your head. that's what i do and i hadn't even really realized it until reading this post.

and if whipping-out a pocket vibrator on a hook-up is a bit much, as i don't think i'd have the balls to do it, you can always just use your hand. if i'm with someone who isn't a brilliant lover, i know i can usually either tell them what i need, like GenericMind said "traffic cop" style, and/or roll over on my stomach and use my hand while they do their thing. most guys seem to like in when you do that anyway, but then you have to make sure they don't like it so much they blow their load before you've cum. when i'm with someone for the first time, and we haven't "figured each other out", i basically tell him that i need to cum before he does. it sounds kind of bossy, and the truth is, i don't like being bossy, REALLY, i like being TOLD what to do, but in mundane situations, where it's just plain stranger sex, i do what i have to do so i enjoy myself. as another poster said, you have more leverage that you may appreciate. use it! and it may be actually LESS work to put out more effort while you're IN the sexual situations, rather than before or afterwards, trying to figure men out... if that makes sense.

good luck
g

 

[Lysis]

venus, I dont have any experience or great advice, but I just read your OP thinking "fucking aye right, girlfriend." LOL

 

[Thou]

and i don't think white women should be calling each other 'girlfriend!', okay? Stop pretending to be black! And no matter what color you are, "you go, girl" should probably go! Right along with "you the man!" "hey, you the man!" oh, yeah? Well, you the fuckin' honky.

- george carlin

...

 

[Lysis]

Girlfriend is black? Who knew? I thought it was a latina thing.

 

[sleepy]

i too, thought it was a Latina thing, first. . . . oh well. we shouldn't get too PC, on this lovely forum, IMHO.....