Well now. I journal. Yea, I journal. I have my little book. I scribble my honesty in it. I talk about my day. It's nice. But, I'm bored with it and I want to type instead. And I actually want someone to read it. Why not? I don't hide shit any more. Not from family, friends, or whoever. I've learned that whatever I hide will eventually have to come out some way or another.
How's that for an introduction? No background or history. That's perfect for me. Today is a random day, so I can just start typing whatever I feel like. My name is X. It's X because I like that letter and I hate my name. Why is totally irrelevant. So, let's get this thing going.
Let's talk about fantasy football. I'm a winner. My league hates me because I have influence and use it. Fuck them. If they want to whine, let em. I don't care. I made the best trade ever today. I got the best football player in the league for two under-performing, young players. It's all about what you have to give, not what you're willing to pay. Nobody else in the league had to firepower to grab this guy. So I do it and everybody gets super pissed off. One guy, a good friend of mine at least I thought, talked about quitting. Gotta love those sore losers, especially those that like to repeat their ineffectiveness year after year. That guy pays the same amount of money to play as I do. I really love fantasy football, so this will be a repetitious subject for this blog.
Also, today was the third Wednesday of the month. Every third Thursday of each month, I get "my" buprenorphine. How I get it is irrelevant, but I get it. Bupe has allowed me to live a much more normal life over the past year or so. I was such a dickface before that on opioid pain meds. I didn't steal, but I was the world's biggest liar. You know? I'd just lie to everybody for no reason. It became so bad I started believing my lies because I had to remember so many and all their depths. Pathological lying is pretty intense. It's like living in a world that's perfect for you, awful for those who care about you and completely false. This type of lying goes hand in hand with illicit/hidden drug use. I could get soooooo high and socialize without anyone ever knowing.
I think a lot of people believe they can do this as well. I don't know about that though. I have a few friends who have said, "yea, when I was on heroin, nobody could tell but i was fucked up." Well, I didn't crush their delusion, but you could tell. Everyone could. The only reason I know about how effectively I hid my habit was because of my intervention. It wasn't really an intervention, it was the reaction I got when I came clean about abusing pain pills. My family and my girlfriend were TOTALLY caught off guard. I had money, I slept regularly. I mean, I'm really not trying to glorify my using but I was a fucking amazing liar. And it sounds like I'm proud of it.
I am more ashamed of this than anything else in my life, including my small(ish) penis and lack of sexual ability. Now, years later, I am still treated like a criminal. I never stole anything from anyone. I didn't need to do that to maintain my lifestyle, had a good job. Now though everybody is always skeptical as to whether I am actually clean. I purchase drug test strips in bulk off of ebay just to show my family. They were so hurt by the extent to which I went to cover my ass. I really don't know if they'll ever really trust me again.
I don't want to talk about this kinda shit all night tonight. Today was a fun day. The high was seventy one degrees outside. I went to the local park and played disc-golf. I scored three under par. That's the kind of thing that I wish I could think about and want to write about all the time. I want to talk about my great job and how well it's going with my fiance. But, I don't have that right now. I paid a price to get away from abusing drugs. It cost a lot, but it was totally worth it. I think that's all I have for tonight though.
Final thought: Fantasy Football is not for the weak. It's a social game and social skills certainly come into play. The weak are meat and the strong do eat.
How's that for an introduction? No background or history. That's perfect for me. Today is a random day, so I can just start typing whatever I feel like. My name is X. It's X because I like that letter and I hate my name. Why is totally irrelevant. So, let's get this thing going.
Let's talk about fantasy football. I'm a winner. My league hates me because I have influence and use it. Fuck them. If they want to whine, let em. I don't care. I made the best trade ever today. I got the best football player in the league for two under-performing, young players. It's all about what you have to give, not what you're willing to pay. Nobody else in the league had to firepower to grab this guy. So I do it and everybody gets super pissed off. One guy, a good friend of mine at least I thought, talked about quitting. Gotta love those sore losers, especially those that like to repeat their ineffectiveness year after year. That guy pays the same amount of money to play as I do. I really love fantasy football, so this will be a repetitious subject for this blog.
Also, today was the third Wednesday of the month. Every third Thursday of each month, I get "my" buprenorphine. How I get it is irrelevant, but I get it. Bupe has allowed me to live a much more normal life over the past year or so. I was such a dickface before that on opioid pain meds. I didn't steal, but I was the world's biggest liar. You know? I'd just lie to everybody for no reason. It became so bad I started believing my lies because I had to remember so many and all their depths. Pathological lying is pretty intense. It's like living in a world that's perfect for you, awful for those who care about you and completely false. This type of lying goes hand in hand with illicit/hidden drug use. I could get soooooo high and socialize without anyone ever knowing.
I think a lot of people believe they can do this as well. I don't know about that though. I have a few friends who have said, "yea, when I was on heroin, nobody could tell but i was fucked up." Well, I didn't crush their delusion, but you could tell. Everyone could. The only reason I know about how effectively I hid my habit was because of my intervention. It wasn't really an intervention, it was the reaction I got when I came clean about abusing pain pills. My family and my girlfriend were TOTALLY caught off guard. I had money, I slept regularly. I mean, I'm really not trying to glorify my using but I was a fucking amazing liar. And it sounds like I'm proud of it.
I am more ashamed of this than anything else in my life, including my small(ish) penis and lack of sexual ability. Now, years later, I am still treated like a criminal. I never stole anything from anyone. I didn't need to do that to maintain my lifestyle, had a good job. Now though everybody is always skeptical as to whether I am actually clean. I purchase drug test strips in bulk off of ebay just to show my family. They were so hurt by the extent to which I went to cover my ass. I really don't know if they'll ever really trust me again.
I don't want to talk about this kinda shit all night tonight. Today was a fun day. The high was seventy one degrees outside. I went to the local park and played disc-golf. I scored three under par. That's the kind of thing that I wish I could think about and want to write about all the time. I want to talk about my great job and how well it's going with my fiance. But, I don't have that right now. I paid a price to get away from abusing drugs. It cost a lot, but it was totally worth it. I think that's all I have for tonight though.
Final thought: Fantasy Football is not for the weak. It's a social game and social skills certainly come into play. The weak are meat and the strong do eat.