motherofearth
Bluelighter
Hello TDSers,
Sorry to begin this thread w/ the typical disclaimer: but if it needs to be merged I am sorry for creating the extra work for the excellent mods here.
That said, I've been a very big baby most of my life. People actually do perceive me as street smart and, I dunno, not worldly, but well-lived might be the way to put it. When in fact I've lived under the nurturing auspices of my parents up until this very point in my 27th year of life. I've lived at home w/ a handful of exceptions I will list here:
1. Utah at age 16 for a reformatory camp.
2. 6 weeks living on my childhood best friend's couch at 18
3. 6 months destroying an apartment my parents paid rent on for me. I paid the security deposit, so there was some justice there at least.
4. 2 years in the California Bay Area earning my BA - all paid for by a trust fund my grandfather left for me. (I know, I'm the scum of the earth trust fund kid who soaks up his privilege, gets hooked on heroin and whines about it - if it wasn't drugs there'd be something else about which to whine. There's another reason I hate myself. Boo-hoo). The point is, I cut a check for rent here, utilities there, text books over there. No real world skills I can think of.
5. Another apartment during grad school that ate away the rest of the trust fund - my blossoming -> booming opiate -> heroin addiction landed the deathblow to it.
After that last apartment I shared for a year w/ my brother was vacated in Nov. 2011 I've been suckling the teat again. But to keep this short, my chipping, to flirting w/ the precipice of full-blown addiction, back to chipping, and so on has decimated my credibility around my folks' place. I've not worked since January 2012, aside from a two month stint at 7-11 back from Feb-April. I've just been getting high, feigning looking for work, scratching my ass, not shaving, letting myself go. My parents enable me - to what extent I can't objectively say, and it probably doesn't matter in terms of precisely qualifying and quantifying it. Of course, I call myself all kinds of disparaging names over it, but continue to use their good intentions as a way to live this life-style of deflation.
Well, the milk and honey have run dry. No more for me. If I don't find work by Saturday my keester is landing on the curb. Jesus, I said keester. Emotionally, I'm pretty balanced over this one: I mean, this is deserved. I am pretty sure I feel genuine guilt over taking so much advantage of my folks for so long. They are both just flat out great people, and just like my education being squared away financially for me, I just totally take it for granted. Part of me really isn't so sure they are actually going to tell me to go. Or within a week they'll be beckoning me back. If that is the case, I shouldn't go, right? Because I know I'll just find ways to exploit the people I love (I'm beginning to question if I actually have the appropriate concept of love and if I'm capable of it) all the more. I am thoroughly disgusted in myself, of that I am sure. There is no question in my head if I believed in suicide I'd be gone. Fortunately, or unfortunately (depends), I just have an innate aversion to suicide that goes beyond the evolutionary response ha ha ha. It is philosophical, or moral, or spiritual or something, and I can;t define it - but WRONG just permeates the entire subject, so here I still am trying to figure it out.
So really, I was hoping to get some insight on homelessness. I plan on taking a sleeping bag, keeping a certain amount of room for food and books, and that is really all I want to carry. I live in San Diego, so the beach is the obvious choice. I just want to take a month or so to sleep wherever I can get away w/, read a whole lot. reflect and write, and then come back. Not to my folks house. But figure something out w/ what I hope is a new found perspective. Also, I will be kicking drugs in the early stages, but I don't think my withdrawals shall be all too severe, but anyhow there is a strong likelihood I'll be holed up in the forest somewhere away from man as much as I can manage just getting the shit outta my system. Did I mention I'm gonna read a lot of books. A rereading of Brothers Karamazov is a necessity.
Anyway, suggestions bluelight? I'll be eternally grateful for any pitfalls you help me avoid
Love you all, oi, oi.
EDIT: Oh yes, I forgot to mention I am very fearful of being robbed, raped, and/or murdered. I only have a fold out knife w/ a four inch blade I've only ever used for practical applications. I don't have any training in wielding it in a combat situation. And I really am as fearful of hurting someone (yes, even an attacker) as I am of being injured/killed by one. Some harm reduction in this area (if any exists) would be quite appreciated.
Sorry if all this just comes across as naive and stupid, especially for a 27 year old.
Sorry to begin this thread w/ the typical disclaimer: but if it needs to be merged I am sorry for creating the extra work for the excellent mods here.
That said, I've been a very big baby most of my life. People actually do perceive me as street smart and, I dunno, not worldly, but well-lived might be the way to put it. When in fact I've lived under the nurturing auspices of my parents up until this very point in my 27th year of life. I've lived at home w/ a handful of exceptions I will list here:
1. Utah at age 16 for a reformatory camp.
2. 6 weeks living on my childhood best friend's couch at 18
3. 6 months destroying an apartment my parents paid rent on for me. I paid the security deposit, so there was some justice there at least.
4. 2 years in the California Bay Area earning my BA - all paid for by a trust fund my grandfather left for me. (I know, I'm the scum of the earth trust fund kid who soaks up his privilege, gets hooked on heroin and whines about it - if it wasn't drugs there'd be something else about which to whine. There's another reason I hate myself. Boo-hoo). The point is, I cut a check for rent here, utilities there, text books over there. No real world skills I can think of.
5. Another apartment during grad school that ate away the rest of the trust fund - my blossoming -> booming opiate -> heroin addiction landed the deathblow to it.
After that last apartment I shared for a year w/ my brother was vacated in Nov. 2011 I've been suckling the teat again. But to keep this short, my chipping, to flirting w/ the precipice of full-blown addiction, back to chipping, and so on has decimated my credibility around my folks' place. I've not worked since January 2012, aside from a two month stint at 7-11 back from Feb-April. I've just been getting high, feigning looking for work, scratching my ass, not shaving, letting myself go. My parents enable me - to what extent I can't objectively say, and it probably doesn't matter in terms of precisely qualifying and quantifying it. Of course, I call myself all kinds of disparaging names over it, but continue to use their good intentions as a way to live this life-style of deflation.
Well, the milk and honey have run dry. No more for me. If I don't find work by Saturday my keester is landing on the curb. Jesus, I said keester. Emotionally, I'm pretty balanced over this one: I mean, this is deserved. I am pretty sure I feel genuine guilt over taking so much advantage of my folks for so long. They are both just flat out great people, and just like my education being squared away financially for me, I just totally take it for granted. Part of me really isn't so sure they are actually going to tell me to go. Or within a week they'll be beckoning me back. If that is the case, I shouldn't go, right? Because I know I'll just find ways to exploit the people I love (I'm beginning to question if I actually have the appropriate concept of love and if I'm capable of it) all the more. I am thoroughly disgusted in myself, of that I am sure. There is no question in my head if I believed in suicide I'd be gone. Fortunately, or unfortunately (depends), I just have an innate aversion to suicide that goes beyond the evolutionary response ha ha ha. It is philosophical, or moral, or spiritual or something, and I can;t define it - but WRONG just permeates the entire subject, so here I still am trying to figure it out.
So really, I was hoping to get some insight on homelessness. I plan on taking a sleeping bag, keeping a certain amount of room for food and books, and that is really all I want to carry. I live in San Diego, so the beach is the obvious choice. I just want to take a month or so to sleep wherever I can get away w/, read a whole lot. reflect and write, and then come back. Not to my folks house. But figure something out w/ what I hope is a new found perspective. Also, I will be kicking drugs in the early stages, but I don't think my withdrawals shall be all too severe, but anyhow there is a strong likelihood I'll be holed up in the forest somewhere away from man as much as I can manage just getting the shit outta my system. Did I mention I'm gonna read a lot of books. A rereading of Brothers Karamazov is a necessity.
Anyway, suggestions bluelight? I'll be eternally grateful for any pitfalls you help me avoid
Love you all, oi, oi.
EDIT: Oh yes, I forgot to mention I am very fearful of being robbed, raped, and/or murdered. I only have a fold out knife w/ a four inch blade I've only ever used for practical applications. I don't have any training in wielding it in a combat situation. And I really am as fearful of hurting someone (yes, even an attacker) as I am of being injured/killed by one. Some harm reduction in this area (if any exists) would be quite appreciated.
Sorry if all this just comes across as naive and stupid, especially for a 27 year old.
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