Hole of misery

I've been trying to find a job for awhile now. Not much luck. Looks like there won't be any presents from me this year. I really have this obsession with dying lately. "Suicidal ideation" I believe is the term. I feel like I'm in a hole with quicksand. I just keep falling deeper and deeper in it. I can't get out. I try to provide, but I can't. I feel like I'm in a tunnel, but I can't even see the slightest bit of light at the end. It's just black. I'm not sure why I am here. I don't think there's much reason for my life. I feel like if I just kill myself, I would be one less human being; the world is overpopulated anyway. All I can think about is death, and how relieving it would be to be gone. I have pretty much lost all my desire to live. I don't have anything to say I'm proud of. I don't have any friends in life. I'm all alone.

I don't know what else to do. I do know a few ways at my disposal that are certainly fail-safe, 100% chance I won't make it. I need to find a REAL purpose in life, soon. If I don't my fate is certainly sealed. In the meantime I'll just keep buying $1 lottery tickets and praying for a Christmas miracle I'll never get. A JOB!! That's all I want for Christmas. But it's next to impossible. I haven't even had success landing shitty part-time minimum wage jobs. If there is a God, maybe (s)he'll read this and take pity, and help me out. I'm really trying, but I don't remember feeling this hopeless in my life. I feel like my time's up. It's over. I just need to move on. Nothing is ever going to get better.

Wish me luck.

 

Dude, good luck. I know exactly how you feel about the overpopulation thing but get this, the world is overpopulated with dumb mean people, and you're a smart nice person, enough said.

have you found any ways (chemical or otherwise) to avert a depressive episode/ help you deal with your depression? Usually I just try to listen to the saddest music I possibly can and cry and get it all out but sometimes it isn't that easy.

when you feel like you wanna die, remember the happiest moment of your life.

I remember over the summer, I was REALLY depressed and emotionally fucked up (went to jail, GF of two years cheated on me multiple times and totally fucked me over, lack of self worth/esteem, serotonin downregulation) and one morning my brother and his friend invited me to go to this gorgeous farmland near us and smoke a joint laced with DMT.

I was a little nervous because I was so depressed, I wasn't sure if the DMT would rub me the right way. But surely enough, about 20 seconds after the joint went out all my problems seemed so miniscule. "why am I depressed??" I thought, "I'm extremely lucky to be a young, healthy, smart, alive individual living in one of the wealthiest parts of the planet!"

then stuff just like 'I love the world and the world loves me, humanity is a beautiful thing" and so on.

When I get depressed I often try to remember that state of mind, unless it's something really specific getting me sad (like the GF) then I just gotta take my mind off it and get over it which is much harder to do that expected.