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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

HO-HO-HOpeless...

:! I fucking can't believe this...I just typed a BOOK of a post and POOF! It's gone. I can't pull up the auto save to restore content.

Herby...It was all about our shared love of home, hearth and garden. I promise I only went "dark" for a couple of paragraphs!

I needed a friend, after watching mine be lowered into the ground this morning. He's better off, but no less of a loss for his family and friends.

It's hard to look away without looking across country to more impending death. For now, he remains a TROOPER.
 
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Hey DixieChik. I really hope you feel better. I do have a suggestion for you and that is, try to think positive. Although it clearly ain't positive, you know, the mind is a powerful thing! One thing I learned from pharmacology is, the placebo effect is actually very powerful! If you believe you're gonna be okay, chances are, you'll be alright. This may be the scientific explanation for why God listens to the prayers of Christians. Now, I think their prayer themselves didn't do jack shit, but since their mind was calmed down, they were able to get physically well too. So, that's what I want you to do! Think positive! Calm down. You're gonna be okay! Don't think about "oh what if this or that". Don't think about it! Just think positive thoughts and calm down. Can you do that for me? Stay positive and have a nice holidays DixieChik!! I'm here for you, don't be sad.
 
Yes!!! Thank you for the thread. For weeks it's(tv ads,songs) made me check myself for my obviously lagging. I don't even have a tree. Not one present. I blame it on tapering (from methadone) and now 6th day of detox. I've been all over emotionally today. But I do appreciate each of you sharing. Hearing it is one thing but feeling it is another ;) as we all know!
 
Speaking of Solicitation, 13 posts spread across half of BL in 20 mins advertising weed, oxycodone ,Heroin,etc. And the phone number was the area code 5 miles away from mine. Before I even fully processed it I had the number highlighted and ready to paste to notepad before actual intelligent thought began to take place. It's one thing to go looking but when it falls in your lap it seems tougher to shake off.
 
Jekyl Anhydride said:
Speaking of Solicitation, 13 posts spread across half of BL in 20 mins advertising weed, oxycodone ,Heroin,etc. And the phone number was the area code 5 miles away from mine. Before I even fully processed it I had the number highlighted and ready to paste to notepad before actual intelligent thought began to take place. It's one thing to go looking but when it falls in your lap it seems tougher to shake off.
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Yeah, it's hard keeping up with these assholes that come here to advertise drugs. I'm glad you were able to withstand temptation and I hope we got rid of the jerk fairly quickly. It seems as fast as we ban one IP they just get another.
 
herbavore said:
Yeah, it's hard keeping up with these assholes that come here to advertise drugs. I'm glad you were able to withstand temptation and I hope we got rid of the jerk fairly quickly. It seems as fast as we ban one IP they just get another.
Click to expand...

BL Mods are awesome and had everything sterilized within 30 mins. You guys are the pillars that elevate BL to excellence.
 
:X Haven't been able to post for a few days. Prompt keeps saying "your message is too short...blah blah blah". I finally gave up and copied my long post to paste. That doesn't work either.

Testing, to see if this posts.
 
:! This was typed on Sunday, I think.

Thank you, deadendgame...I appreciate your encouragement. Believe it or not, I am one of the most positive, "mind over matter" people you would ever want to meet. I do power through things that would make others melt under pressure.

I have been "adulting" since I was 6 years old (yep). I was actually grocery shopping/writing checks for my mom by first grade. I had my first job by age 10 in a grocery store deli. As I got old enough to be "legal" working age, I moved to cashier. I worked there after school, weekends and summers to put myself through college. Hard work and mental fortitude got me out of a horribly abusive childhood.

My education/degree opened a whole new world to me, doing what I love. I continue to work full time, regardless of the pain which is quite real. It only hurts when I'm breathing! Stage 4 disease @ 22 years post cancer surgery has left me with intractable pain in my vaginal/rectal canal...not to mention GI crippling issues.

I exist daily with the sensation of being violated (raped) with a serrated edge knife twisting in my vagina/rectum. Disease/surgeries mutilated me. It can't be fixed...for over 2 decades now. That's TMI, but my reality.

I do focus on what is good in my life. I am BLESSED through all the pain and sadness, disappointment and heartbreak. I truly am. Right now there's a roaring fire in the fireplace. My husband and I are sitting here with the fire, the Christmas tree, our Dalmatian and Kitty curled up nearby. The NY GIANTS are playing. We're watching with our pom-poms and foam fingers, as this is our HAPPY PLACE.

We spent the last 2 days helping my niece and her family move. It's been a marathon @ 7 days before Christmas, as they have little ones who still BELIEVE in Santa. We drove 2 hours home last night, in tornadoes, followed by freezing rain, exhausted to the point of no return. We felt so happy, though, that they ARE in the new house with all bedrooms and kitchen set up. She was able to get her Christmas tree up, as well as her mantle décor complete. The ELF appeared "off the shelf" and on the tree by Saturday morning. ALL is good there. I am happy that we could help.

Now, back to reality...I could barely move my back, neck, hips and knees to get out of bed this morning. I go and go like the energizer bunny, then crash and burn. I won't go into the GI issues that are winning the war once again. I will work through it. I always do. The alternative is death by my own hand. I'm not quite there yet, but it looms heavily.

:( UPDATE: SO MUCH has happened since this post was written a few days ago. You just can't make this shit up! Details to follow, if this post makes it.
 
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8o WOW....That copy/paste attempt finally worked.

We were so relieved, but exhausted, that we got my niece's family moved last weekend. On Sunday night we thought "okay, we'll have a few days before Christmas to meet our other commitments".

Well, NO...That didn't happened. We spiraled into the abyss with a 3:00 a.m. phone call on Monday. My great nephew (their 24 year old son) lost control of his truck and was killed on impact. His father went out looking for him when notified of his missing at midnight. He found where he left the road and could see his crashed truck off in a deep ravine. He says he felt such relief when his son was NOT in the truck. He THOUGHT he'd walked away looking for help. As he shined his flashlight, he was gutted by the sight of his son's body wrapped literally around a tree. He was broken and mangled like a rag doll. He'd been thrown through the passenger side, though he was driving alone. Apparently he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. He'd been drinking/drugging with his cousin. He left the house at 7:00 to run to the store. The cousin didn't call of his missing until midnight. He appeared to have been there a while, as temps were in teens and he felt frozen.

Even now as I type this, I feel so sick for my niece and her husband.

They've not told their 6 year old son, and their 12 year old really has no grasp of the reality that is death. They didn't want the little ones to lose the magic of Christmas. They wanted them to participate in the planned events, including their train ride on the "Polar Express". They asked my husband and me if we would escort the kids because they could not EVEN begin to go through the motions of joy and magic and BELIEF...We dressed in our Christmas pajamas and tried to give them memories that will last forever. We smiled and laughed and sang along, holding back the urge to vomit out our grief. The kids had such fun, and were never the wiser. I am grateful for that.

We were planning to attend the funeral on Wednesday, but offered to keep the kids entertained at their home instead. We felt that would be the most beneficial for the parents. It was an exhausting day, but again we made it full of memories for them. The funeral was HARD on everyone. It will forever change their magic at Christmas. My nephew is a fire and rescue veteran, yet he's struggling with his feelings of being helpless to rescue/save his own son.

There had been tremendous father/son conflict since his return from the military. The guilt of those heated conversations weighs heavily on his dad's heart. Ultimately, the drinking/drugging/driving took his life.

UGLY CRY...brb
 
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Oh my god, Dixie, I cannot even take this in....your first post and then this horrible tragedy. I am so, so sorry. Your poor, poor nephew having his relief shattered by the terrible sight of his son's body. I know that one. That cuts deeper than anything I have or will ever experience. In this time of grief just remember that families and friends are everything. Nothing helps alleviate the pain. There are no words that can undo the loss. But all your actions towards each other do count for so much. After my son died people stepped in and literally held us up for a month. At the time, I could not even really feel gratitude--there was nothing but my broken heart. But in reality, those acts of very practical kindness from people who themselves felt lost and heartbroken themselves, became the love that allowed us to not only continue living, but to live with the little ember of joy still alive within.

What you are doing now, even in your own grief, is what being human is all about. The little ones know something terrible has happened. Finding ways to talk to them on their own level is important. Working with little kids I saw a lot of deep confusion in them when tragedies happened. They often interpreted the need to protect them coming from the adults as something that "should not be talked about" and it could morph into shame for them as they, like everyone else, try to come to grips with a terrible loss. I think taking them on the train was a wonderful and selfless act by you and your husband. They feel safe and loved and that is what is most important. I hope that they will come to you with their questions--I know that you of all people will be able to help them navigate their own grief. I think of it this way--they do not even have some of the understanding that adults have to help shape their thoughts. Adults will try to think their way out of the abyss of longing for the deceased. Children do not even have this layer of protection for their hearts.

I am so sorry for your family. You are a true giver and so is your husband. Take time for yourselves in all this and cry, cry, cry. Tears are the most honest response. I just wish you were close so I could give you a hug.:(
 
:| Good stuff, Herby...as always. Thanks for the pm, as it was much appreciated!

Safe travels...Miss your sweet presence here already.

(((HUGS)))
 
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