HO-HO-HOpeless...

[herbavore]

Whether you do or don't celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Milad un Nabi or Kwanza or a completely consumer-centric bastardized version of any of the above, the holiday season can be truly stressful because of the focus on the image of big happy families doing things together in complete harmony. Suicide rates go up in this season for a reason: people have difficulty being able to emotionally withstand the bombardment of advertising that bludgeons them everywhere they go that serves to make their lives look like failures compared to the images of all this uncomplicated joy and festivity.

So this is thread intended to share the gift of support with each other; a place to share strategies for diffusing tense family situations, a thread for venting if you need to, asking for support if you need some and generally a place to get away from bad Christmas music and frantic consumerism and relatives with agendas. Consider it your island of sanity in the temporary madness.

If you are looking for a more playful side of the Holidays to participate in, try the Festivus forum which should be up and running in the community section very soon.

 

[pandas]

Great idea, herbavore!

The stress starts well before December 25th (or your religion's holiday date). We've already had Thanksgiving and some stores were open on Thanksgiving Day for holiday shopping! Macy's was open from midnight to 2:00 a.m.! Then there is Black Friday, Cyber Monday and shopping through Christmas Eve. I haven't started yet. In fact, I don't like shopping and crowds make things more stressful. I solved that by having my SO shop for me and I do online shopping. Stressor eliminated.

Stress can trigger a craving to use. I used to create (or try to) a "Hallmark Christmas," which we all know isn't realistic or even real. I ran myself ragged decorating, shopping, and cooking. Guess what became a habit of mine while cooking? A few glasses of wine. Food and wine go together, right? Not anymore for me. I will keep alcohol out of the house like I do everyday. We cater in food. It tastes great and no one is slaving over the stove. No "food and wine"'for me!

Think about where you will be spending Christmas and will your DOC be in the environment? Will egg nog with rum be served? Does your favorite cousin like to get high with you - stepping outside for a smoke. Be mindful. Decide now how you'll handle that. "No" is a complete sentence.

If your family uses your DOC - think about whether that is something you're ready to be around but abstain. Create a trigger strategy. You may need to not attend if you're early in recovery and the hosts aren't willing to abstain.

There often holiday parties. For me, I'd have a hard time being at a holiday party with an open bar. Same trigger, will your friends that use be there? You may have dropped contact with them, but be prepared if you do see one. If it's a party where people smoke marijuana and it's your DOC, prepare now.

if you celebrate Christmas at your home, you have control over the environment. Your DOC will not be there. Let your guests know, if needed. This is a good situation because there will be no trigger.

Triggers - Cravings - Risk of Relapse

 

[pandas]

Cravings are something we need to deal with. Sometimes people say their triggers drive them crazy. Cravings are apart of recovery. I decided recently that I would use Radical Acceptance as to cravings. I've calmly accepted cravings happen. Struggling mentally over cravings compel a person to use. I think, "oh, there's a craving" right now. Then I relocate to another room. Do a task, etc. It helps me. Go check your mailbox. Wrap a gift. Distraction techniques help the craving dissipate. I like to change where I am, too. Get outside to walk the dog. Run a load of laundry. Grab a book and find a cozy spot to read. Try Radical Acceptance and Relocate.

 

[pandas]

Christmas can be so lonely for a lot of people. If you won't be with family, can you spend the day with a sober friend and celebrate?

Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Rent a movie. If you are religious, attend church. Make a phone call to a sponsor, friend, or other support. Attend a meeting if there is one held and you go to AA/NA.

A friend of mine isn't religious and Christmas isn't important to her. She works every Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Or, switch it up. It can be a good experience. One year, my SO and I skipped celebrating Thanksgiving. No pressure. Like a staycation. Go see a movie.

When it comes down to it, a holiday is just another day. You are in control. There's no rule book on holidays. I checked. lol :0

 

[DixiChik]

It's the "most wonderful time" of the year, right?

I'm no Scrooge, but my health is screwed.

I suffer with disease that has robbed me of everything, except my dark sense of humor. Actually, even that is waning after decades of pain.

I can't tolerate pain meds, as my bladder and bowels are choked by disease and adhesions.

I've tried Kratom, but suffered a partial bowel obstruction.

I'm trying MMJ, with less than stellar results. I jump through hoops to get it...then basically have to settle for whatever strain I can get.

It's not the PAIN that will kill me. The despair will.

I know that I am blessed, yet I feel cursed. I need only look around me to see how others have it far worse than me. I have 2 close friends (under 60) who are dying...one with prostate cancer...one with ALS.

My dad died in 2001. My mom is 90+ and lives in a nursing home because I am unable to take care of her. Well, I could have sacrificed my so-called life (and my husband's) to take her in. I chose not to. I'm okay with that.

I've spent 11 years overseeing her healthcare, feeling as though I needed riot gear just to visit. She's wicked. Did I mention that? She's now bedridden, blind in one eye and needs her food pureed.

My 5 older siblings, with extended family, have "ghosted" my mom (and me). They don't even come around for the holidays. My husband (36 years) and I spend them alone with our Dalmatian and kitty. It is a lonely and a sad time.

Anyone is similar misery need some company?

 

[badfish45]

I don't think you're alone in this sentiment. Holidays tend to be a time where we expect happiness, probably to a fault. It's easy to forget all those who are suffering out there, because many times the holidays aren't always a happy time for people. And along with the expectation of happiness that can make you feel miserable. However I don't think you should qualify your suffering compared to others. No matter what degree, suffering is suffering and you certainly don't deserve it. I think you'll find many other people on this forum out of contact with their families as well. It is nice you have your pet family and your husband with you.

I know how you feel because I have spent birthdays and holidays alone and it can be a horrible feeling. I try to act cliche and look for the best in each situation, as hard as that may seem.

 

[DixiChik]

Thanks, badfish...That's why I didn't delete this attempt to start this thread. I'm sure there are MANY who are feeling less than jolly. Perhaps we can share our feelings, whether good, bad or indifferent.

I feel empathy to anyone who feels loneliness or pain and isolation. IMO, holiday marketing slays an already wounded soul.

I go through the motions. I too try to look for the best, and I fake it til I feel it. I try to sugar coat turds and pretend they're truffles!

I try to spread tidings of comfort and joy to those less fortunate (and totally alone). Believe me, a daily walk through the halls of a nursing home puts life in perspective. We spend our lives trying to be successful. Those residents deserve to feel significant. I am thankful that I can walk out, get in my FJ and go back to my home. They can't.

As stated, I AM blessed to have a loving husband. He's the reason I stay on this planet, although I feel he'd be better off without me. He says otherwise.

Santa, all I want for Christmas is to be able to eat or sleep or poop. All 3 would be swell!?!

 

[herbavore]

Hey Dixie, I started a thread for this very feeling/time of year because you are definitely NOT alone in the experience. I'm going to merge this if it's OK with you (but your title is better so I'll merge mine with yours.)

 

[ShardHunter]

Dixie, I'm heartbroken to hear your story and I'm saddened to share mine is similar. I never want to say that. I've lost ~50 pounds; no one knows why. I have chronic fatigue fibromyalgia (which is doctor speak for "we don't really know what the fuck is wrong with you")...disability has denied my claim 3 times, even with the attorney and the seizures and migraines so my fiancé is the one supporting us, my two kids and his son with his ex. My pain has gotten so bad, he requested FMLA and the dinks at his job fired him (they "accepted his resignation" which he never offered and yes, we know that's crazy illegal but with all our other shit...that's just one more line item on the agenda). I'm pretty sure the mold in the house we're renting is what's making me so sick or at least exacerbating it, but since I don't have an income, my housing assistance program is reluctant to approve a move. See this fuckhole in which I'm trapped? It's almost comic but I'm telling you, if I were watching this show, I'd change the channel.

 

[DixiChik]

Hey Shard...I'm so very sorry for your suffering and your worries.

I've even been trying MMJ for several months now. It's not practical for me, as I work full time and feel as though I'm on 24 hour call for my mom. It's also not legal here, so more trouble to get than it's worth for me. I use it some at night and on weekends just for a temporary escape.

I've never used drugs for recreation. I don't want to get high. I want to "get up" without primal screams of pain.

SO MUCH is expected (demanded) of me all year long. The holidays "present" more expectations than I can reasonably meet. Yet I do.

Herby...No worries! Merging is all well and good. I didn't realize you'd started a similar thread.

 

[paranoid android]

Chances are i will be spending Christmas with my brother and Dad and probably visiting a few relatives. Christmas is actually better now that my Mom never bothers visiting as bad as that sounds. But if she can't be fucked visiting us i certainly am not going to cry about it cause fuck knows she ruined enough Christmases at this house. I only visit those worth visiting which means avoiding everyone on my Mom's side of the family except my Grandparents. Not having to put up with my crazy Mom and even crazier fat cow of a aunt decreases my drinking and drug use over Christmas by a good bit actually. I would honestly rather spend Christmas alone then with people i can't stand.

Christmas is a fucked time though and it used to make me properly miserable.

 

[cj]

I hate going to my relatives and seeing my same age cousins who all have careers and there own houses while I am unemployed living at home. Makes me feel so ashamed for my mom who tried so hard to make me successful make excuses about why I am such a loser.

 

[deadendgame]

Hey DixiChik. Your life really sucks ass. I feel so bad for you, I want to be there for you. You can always message me or something. I'll listen to whatever problems you have. You don't have to be alone. In fact, none of yall have to be alone. I been around bluelight long enough to understand yalls plight and tribulation. the fact of the matter is no one outside really understand how it feels to live a fucked up life cuz it hasn't happened to them yet. The thing is I am a human being and I have feelings too. If you treat me like shit now and shit happens to you later down the road and you ask me for my help, I will tell you to go fuck yourself. Yeah, I don't know what I am gonna do for Christmas. I don't have any friends so I reckon I'll camp out at home

 

[Red Moon]

I already did mess up. On Thanksgiving I took a bit of my DOC (had some on hand because unfortunately I also do actually need it). The first dose was just because I was anxious. No problem there. My brother was bringing over a new girl that I didn't know... or so I thought. I did actually know her from online. The world is crazy small. At some point I decided I might as well take "fun" doses. You know, the bad kinds when you find ways to justify just taking all of it even though you know you still need it for days that are not today. Just because you think you could be having a better time. That you could be funner, happier.

I think part of the reason I justified it to myself was because I knew I had a psychiatrist appointment coming up. But less than a week before that appointment (which I've been waiting for with great difficulty for months -- I've realized that I need these meds to calm down after my therapy sessions if I want the therapy sessions to be worth anything) I got a call saying that the psychiatrist cancelled that appointment and that I need to reschedule. The closest time they could reschedule me, even with my own completely free schedule, was exactly a month later than the original appointment and with a different psychiatrist entirely.

I'm going to have some money soon, so I'll be able to restock after that mess-up... But now I have an appointment that's scheduled after both Christmas and New Year's. I wonder if I will be able to learn from my mistake for those two holidays or if I will find that this psychiatrist doesn't want to keep her appointment with me, either. The struggle to appear normal and okay to others is just way too much, sometimes.

 

[DixiChik]

Let's just say "Don't shake my family tree!" It's filled with NUTS. I think we all have issues with our families. I wish I'd had the courage and fortitude to get the hell as far away as I could. After marriage, my husband and I dreamed of relocating FAR away, but...My nieces and nephews were new. I loved them too much to leave them. I was always made to feel responsible for my parents, too. So I take ownership in the fact that I built my own prison.

I take inventory of my life and come up short...way short. I've given much of myself away, and continue to do so. I care more about others than I do myself. I fight these feelings of being used, and the resentment created. I make excuses for those who are not there for me when I need them.

My hubby of 36 years is my "ride or die"...would give me the world if he could. He knows he can't relieve my pain and despair, though he often asks, "Baby what can I do to make you feel better?" I answer "Love me through it. You're all I need".

I am also suffering through some dental surgeries for 2 weeks now. Not that we ever have disposable cash, but for fuck's sake...$3000+ right here at Christmas? We give of ourselves (time and service and food) to our SENIOR PEEPS who are otherwise forgotten. We dress like elves and deliver food baskets. It's such great JOY to help others. It helps us feel less alone.

I keep each of you in my heart. Hey...virtual Christmas at our house? We'll have the fireplace roaring, with comfy chairs for all to put their feet up and relax. There will be food and drink...maybe sausage balls, hot wings, meatball sliders, chips and dip...wine or moonshine will keep our spirits bright!

​Let's keep this thread rolling...I KNOW others are feeling overwhelmed! Let's all share and offer support to our cyber sibs!

 

[Erikmen]

I don't think you're alone in this sentiment. Holidays tend to be a time where we expect happiness, probably to a fault. It's easy to forget all those who are suffering out there, because many times the holidays aren't always a happy time for people. And along with the expectation of happiness that can make you feel miserable. However I don't think you should qualify your suffering compared to others. No matter what degree, suffering is suffering and you certainly don't deserve it. I think you'll find many other people on this forum out of contact with their families as well. It is nice you have your pet family and your husband with you.

I know how you feel because I have spent birthdays and holidays alone and it can be a horrible feeling. I try to act cliche and look for the best in each situation, as hard as that may seem.

Nicely put. So do I.

 

[badfish45]

Let's just say "Don't shake my family tree!" It's filled with NUTS. I think we all have issues with our families. I wish I'd had the courage and fortitude to get the hell as far away as I could. After marriage, my husband and I dreamed of relocating FAR away, but...My nieces and nephews were new. I loved them too much to leave them. I was always made to feel responsible for my parents, too. So I take ownership in the fact that I built my own prison.

I take inventory of my life and come up short...way short. I've given much of myself away, and continue to do so. I care more about others than I do myself. I fight these feelings of being used, and the resentment created. I make excuses for those who are not there for me when I need them.

My hubby of 36 years is my "ride or die"...would give me the world if he could. He knows he can't relieve my pain and despair, though he often asks, "Baby what can I do to make you feel better?" I answer "Love me through it. You're all I need".

I am also suffering through some dental surgeries for 2 weeks now. Not that we ever have disposable cash, but for fuck's sake...$3000+ right here at Christmas? We give of ourselves (time and service and food) to our SENIOR PEEPS who are otherwise forgotten. We dress like elves and deliver food baskets. It's such great JOY to help others. It helps us feel less alone.

I keep each of you in my heart. Hey...virtual Christmas at our house? We'll have the fireplace roaring, with comfy chairs for all to put their feet up and relax. There will be food and drink...maybe sausage balls, hot wings, meatball sliders, chips and dip...wine or moonshine will keep our spirits bright!

​Let's keep this thread rolling...I KNOW others are feeling overwhelmed! Let's all share and offer support to our cyber sibs!

See this right here is what inspires me. You have some much capacity for love and giving inside of you and despite what you're going through you don't forget your empathy or sense of true good. You probably make a lot of peoples holidays a lot better, but you deserve one yourself Dixi! You do much more to give than I ever do and it certainly is something I'd like to see myself active in!

See you gave me the gift of self awareness

 

[DixiChik]

You're too kind! I sometimes get the "pooch mouth" and feel sorry for myself.

My friend with ALS died on Sunday. He will be buried on Friday. His suffering is over, as it was more horrific than death can ever be.

My friend with end stage prostate cancer (and his wife) sent my MMJ this week. She got her caregivers card since he's unable to make the round trip any more. They've been a BLESSING for me to try MMJ since pain meds kill my gut. I cannot continue to burden her, as she is losing him.

He's fallen twice lately, injuring his shoulder and now his ankle. They found a package from Santa on their front porch last Friday. It's a pimped out hot rod red "walker/seat" combo with all terrain wheels and hand breaks. They both squealed with glee like 2 kids over the phone!

She told me that she made coffee Saturday morning, with intentions of serving him when it was done brewing. She looked up to see him bringing her coffee, using the "seat" of the walker for the serving tray. She said he was grinning ear to ear. That's my brotha from another motha, no doubt.

Smile until ugly cry...BRB

 

[herbavore]

^I'm sorry about the loss of your friend, Dixie. ALS is just pure torture it seems and I am happy for his release but sad for all who loved him. Your other friend sounds incredibly full of life despite his prognosis. His wife must be going through hell knowing she is going to lose him.

The walker was a brilliant gift. I second what Badfish had to say: you are amazing.

 

[DixiChik]

Badfish...No halos here, my brotha. I just try to BE the change. Sometimes I "be" so pissed off, I could go Negan and "Lucille" some mofos.